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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
BoysRusxxx · 06/08/2011 19:36

Piggle, I think UWBU but i think there is more to it. You seem a bit judgy if im honest..Maybe this isnt just about you co-sleeping without asking sil first. She may have picked up on the fact you dont agree with her dd sleeping in separate room and correct me if im wrong but also her feeding methods??

PacificDogwood · 06/08/2011 19:37

My word, this thread is moving fast! Obviously touching a nerve in lots of us.

There are so many facets to this situation:

-leaving a v young baby who has not been well with somebody else over night
-parenting choices
-spur of the moment choice made by the OP
-reaction of BIL
-etc etc

There is a danger of overthinking/analysing this: it was one night, all is well, upset will hopefully settle. Time will move things along, as it does.

And: what do some of you think can possibly 'happen' when you are sleeping next to a baby, in a double bed, not sharing a duvet/blanket?? Other than that you are very aware of every snuffle/grunt/cough/movement - and of course lack of... There's co-sleeping and then there is co-sleeping.
The OP was experienced and knew what she was doing. She was not putting her DN at risk IMO.
BIL's reaction was OTT, rude, but fair enough, I rememeber being near psychotic with sleep-deprivation, so he deserved some slack.

pommedechocolat · 06/08/2011 19:38

I agree with you BoysRusxxx but was too much of a wuss to say so.
I think this whole thread has a whiff of 'If you don't co-sleep and bf then you are a Gina Ford type dictator' about it.

diddl · 06/08/2011 19:39

OP-hope you come back as I´m really wanting to know how they would have slept if baby hadn´t.

And if they could have, what were you supposed to do all night if she hadn´t?

diddl · 06/08/2011 19:42

Well maybe OP is judgy-but then why did ILs ask her?

And tbh, I find it odd that a lactose intolerant baby isn´t being bfed-unless the intolerance was discovered too late & that a 6wk old baby is in her own room-still-despite having never(?) settled.

HildaOgden · 06/08/2011 19:42

Piggyleroux,how would you feel if,for some reason,someone else was minding your breast fed,co-sleeping child,and your first sight of the baby next day was of them lying alone in a cot drinking a bottle?

Would you feel that your parenting decisions were being disrespected?

Thats how your sister-in-law felt .That's why she got pissed off.

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 19:46

But Hilda if the baby was happy I don't think I'd have yelled at anyone.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 19:49

I don't think I'm being judgey at all.the baby slept well when she was close to someone. Fact. She woke up when put down and sensed that she was alone. Fact.

I dozed all night, never fully going under. I have spent the last 16 months co sleeping with my own ds and have mastered staying in one position and not moving all night without being aware of it. I made a decision at the time on what was best for everyone and co sleeping was the best decision at that moment. I would not have done if I thought there would have been the slightest risk of harm coming to my dn.

Bil lives in a four storey town house. Baby is on first floor, they are on fourth floor. They have a monitor which they turned off last night so they could sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 19:50

Also, I don't see how this is the same as ff a bf baby Confused

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 06/08/2011 19:51

Hilda - the sil asked the op to take over the parental role for one night. The op did a damn good job - I certainly wouldn't be lining up to look after somebody's else's newborn all night - especially (and obviously) without the power of breastfeeding to help me! She didn't do it exactly as the sil would but the most gracious response would be to say thank you and think again in the future.

shandyleer · 06/08/2011 19:51

I'm totally with the OP on this. I do feel for the SIL, really I do. But, baby is only 6 weeks old, not BF and husband is around. She will have been tired, yes, but no more tired than most other new mums. Yet SIL and BIL felt tired enough to ask another mum (still BF herself) to put herself and her family out in what I think is quite a big way.

SIL must have trusted OP enough to have asked her in the first place, yet when job is done OP gets shouted at for her efforts. Even though its evident that SIL doesn't co-sleep, she didn't specify to OP that this was something not to be done at all costs - even though she knows that co-sleeping is something OP does do. SIL wanted one night of sleep, OP facilitated one night of sleep, no one came to harm - and OP gets slated.

Northernlurker · 06/08/2011 19:52

x posted. They are sleeping two floors away from their newborn on a regular basis? I find that unusual.

Did sil have a hard labour?

nethunsreject · 06/08/2011 19:53

yanbu at all.

if they are cracking after 6 wks of no sleep, parenting is going to be a hellish shock for them.

BahHumPug · 06/08/2011 19:54

They are sleeping on the 4th floor when she is on the 1st?! And she's 6 weeks old?! Bloody hell, no wonder that poor child cries. She needs to be near people, she's been in a womb for 9 months and now she's all alone.

They're making a rod for their own backs - all these sleepless nights could probably be solved in an instant, as you've proven.

blowthewindsoutherly · 06/08/2011 19:54

"Bil lives in a four storey town house. Baby is on first floor, they are on fourth floor"

What was the purpose of adding this line?

Because I doubt a 6 week old baby can sense the difference between being alone in a room on the same floor as their parents and being alone in a room on a different floor to their parents.

I didn't think it before, but the inclusion of that piece of information alone leads me to believe that perhaps boys is on to something.

belgo · 06/08/2011 19:55

If they are sleeping two floors above the baby no wonder they are knackered by climbing up and down those stairs all night.

InFlames · 06/08/2011 19:55

Maybe I was harsh when I said judgy, maybe not - to put it another way I guess....

Did you have something that was VERY VERY important to you when your DC were tiny tiny babies and you were tired and scared and anxious piggyleroux?

If sleep is their 'thing' then they will have sensed that you do it differently, and believe that your way is right (which is totally ok, obviously) and may have felt judged by you doing something your way with their baby. Not that what you did was necessarity wrong, but that their feelings are understandable? Add into that the points about co-sleeping being promoted as a VERY BAD idea by HCP's, plus their desperately (as I think we all are for our PFB's) trying to find the right way for them as a family... I guess anger was inevitable?

nethunsreject · 06/08/2011 19:56

and they sleep on a different floor?!

they are setting themsleves up for failure if they think a 6 wk old baby is going to sleep for any length of time, especially in a different part of the house. i speak as someone who spent the first 5 mths of ds2's life with him only able to sleep on my chest. it was hellish at times, but you get the child you are given.

HildaOgden · 06/08/2011 19:57

Anniversaire,I suppose it depends on a lot of factors.I personally would have been delighted with a night's sleep at that stage so I wouldn't have shouted at her myself,I probably would have kissed them because I love my sleep more than having any principlesHowever,if the sister-in-law feels that the op is 'forcing' her own style of parenting on the new parents,then yes...I would be narked too.It seems Piggyleroux has strong views on what the 'right' way to raise a baby is,I'm just doubtful that she herself would tolerate any family members over-riding her wishes regarding her own child.

Piggyleroux,how would you feel if a family member made your child sleep alone?Happy?Grateful?or livid?

DuelingFanjo · 06/08/2011 19:59

have you rung her to apologise yet?

I don't think YWBU exactly but I can understand why SIL was annoyed.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 19:59

Sil has been sleeping on the same floor in a different room on some nights when dd is particularly restless. I agree, no pint in adding that.

OP posts:
annieversaire · 06/08/2011 19:59

It's the stair climbing that is killing them

If they had a cot in their room they would not have to wake up properly when the baby did

there are levels of slumber and you have to go through quite a few in order to negotiate stairs. If you have a cot by your bed it's only one level up from co sleeping and plugging baby into your breast whenever it wakes, which can be done when practically remaining comatose

lady007pink · 06/08/2011 19:59

YANBU
I think your SIL is very ungrateful, you went out of your way to help. She should be down on her knees thanking you!

I wish I had an SIL like you!

VelvetSnow · 06/08/2011 19:59

Seems like the couple are cutting off their own noses to spite their faces so to speak, with all this wanting dd to get used to being on her own.

they have to make trips up and down stairs every night (whilst half asleep) and dd seems to want to be with a human! (and i say that because she settled with her auntie, so any human contact seems good enough for the poor wee thing)

OP, your BIL & SIL just need to stop being eejits and take the baby into their own room, they will immediately feel the benefit.

halcyondays · 06/08/2011 20:00

Why on earth is she sleeping 3 floors away from them? Seems very odd. I know plenty of people do have babies in another room from early on, but surely you'd have them in a room close by. Most 6 week old babies are going to wake during the night. What did they expect?