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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to remember fondly when weddings were one day events...

80 replies

excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 07:51

standby for a bit of a rant, I didn't sleep well and was woken by a text from this friend.....

My friend is getting married in Scotland (where we are from but neither of us lives anymore) in September and I am a bridesmaid. She was a bm for me last year and was absolutely horrible but i'm trying to not hold that against her. The issue is that I will be 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time and we have just been given the itinerary - she has picked a hotel for us and reserved rooms for the thursday night as they are having a groomsmans dinner, the friday night as they are having a rehearsal dinner and the saturday for the actual wedding. The room on Thursday is £120, Friday is £140 and she is paying for Sat. The men are going on a whisky tour on Fri followed by golf - £60. Girls are off to a spa £50. Not to mention petrol money to get there and back and 2 pretty maternity dresses for the dinners and a gift. I have no idea how we are going to afford this.

Is it unreasonable to think that there is no need for all the other bits - which clearly as a bm I am obligated to attend - and it really only needs to be about the day??

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 03/08/2011 07:57

Presumably that is the 'hen do'. If it is in addition to a hen do then it is a bit OTT. Could you stay somewhere cheaper on Thurs, fri? do you have to pay for the dinners or are they footing the bill?

It sounds quite civilised to me, but if you can't afford it then you need to tell her.

vigglewiggle · 03/08/2011 07:58

Oh, and why was she horrible at your wedding?

MaureenMLove · 03/08/2011 08:05

I think you'll have to tell it like it is! Tell her you can't afford to do everything. It's far too much to expect guests to spend the national debt on their wedding as well! that's their job!

If I invite people to celebrate with me, I foot the bill! In fact, 20 years ago, this very day, I did! And we footed the bill!

Original poster
excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 08:15

hi vw, no that's not the hen do, thats the week before but I have already said I defo can't do that. I think asking if I can stay elsewhere is what I'm going to have to do but (and I know this sounds silly) I don't like that the other bms will know I can't afford it. At this stage she says dnners are paid for but i think the costs are mounting as originally she was paying for the rooms on Fri too but thats changed now.

her as a bm is a long story so i hope you're sitting comfortably (or are v bored) - she stayed with me for few days before and refused to help with anything that ran into the night- needed beauty sleep. Accused me of mistreating dh coz the poor man had to work and was still asked to help out with favours etc. Made me spend an entire day choosing shoes to go with her dress then rearrange my plans to fit in a fake tan for her (she is known as the orange bm and this is the only thing she apologsed for!). The day itself she refused to have her make up done by the lady i hired so locked herself in th bathroom while me and my other 2 bms did some last minute table bits and bobs. When i was all dressed etc she said 'it's very 'you' so if you like it that's good' - she clearly wasn't impressed but could have tried to act it! lol! then she got a bit drunk v early and said 'god will you all stop moaning, it's better than bein fu*ing cold' at the top table as we were all talking about how hot we were. She then told the best man that there is no point worrying about his speech - it'll be shit anyway- in front of top table...she had never met him before! She then made a joke about dh and i being swingers in front of his grandparents and when i ignored her she started actually shouted at me 'it was a joke, j.o.k.e, what is your fuing problem??' to the point her bf had to calm her down. Then about 2 hours later she came up to me on the dancefloor and said 'seriously, what is your fu*ing problem with me?' i told her i thught she had acted inappropriately and she threw her champagne on the floor and stormed off! I just broke down in tears - i really had had enough by then and was so disappointed more than anything.

Phew - that story is much quicker to tell than type!! bet you wish you never asked!

OP posts:
redexpat · 03/08/2011 08:17

I would say that it's her wedding, so she can do as she pleases. HOWEVER it's very presumptuous to book a room for someone else at that price.

Is there a travellodge nearby? And please dish the dirt on your wedding...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/08/2011 08:18

Yet another bride spending other people's money for them..... YANBU. Duck out of all but the main event.

redexpat · 03/08/2011 08:18

ooh x post

Original poster
excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 08:19

Ooh happy anniversary Maureen!! I think I will just have to say it outright - i have sort of tentatively hinted that we may not be able to do everything but haven't mentioned hotels yet. Will chat with dh today and try to budget properly - still got lots and lots of baby prep to do too so will need a spreadsheet methinks!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 03/08/2011 08:19

And you're friends which this woman because...?

Please don't say it's because she's usually a lovely person, because from your explanation of how she behaved on your wedding day, she sounds like an utter fuckwit.

Tell her you cannot make the Thursday or Friday night, but that you will see her on the Saturday, and if she tantrums about it, let her. After the wedding itself, I'd not bother with her again/

redexpat · 03/08/2011 08:20

I'm sure you could use this as material for a film if you have the inclination! Grin

ZillionChocolate · 03/08/2011 08:21

Does sound excessive. I wouldn't like to spend that much on hotels for a wedding, bridesmaid or not.

Geordieminx · 03/08/2011 08:27

"no I'm sorry I can't make that, I will be there on Saturday morning/Friday night."

You know I used to love weddings but I don't know whether it's me turning into a grumpy old woman, or the way weddings are these days but I DREAD them!

We went to one a while ago, cost us the best part of £1000, with time off work, petrol, hotel for 2 nights and a gift, and all the while I'm sitting there, talking to 2 people I know there, thinking I could have had a fab weekend in Barcelona for the money that this has cost. Grumpy? Yes. Ungrateful? Probably. The next wedding invite I get I am going to send a card and present and be done with it!

Rant over. Grin

SmethwickBelle · 03/08/2011 08:31

Just be clear about what you can and can't afford - a three day run up sounds excessive, not least when there is a separate hen and stag do.

qwepoi · 03/08/2011 08:31

Just say you can't make it till sat am. I don't think it is that U to have a rehearsal the day before (you or DH work?), so maybe when she says you need to be there you'll say you will see what you can rearrange. Then maybe stay on the fri night. Or even better she'll sack you as bm and you'll never have to speak to her again! Thurs evening completely OTT.

Original poster
excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 08:33

fliss I would like to say that but the other bms are all good friends with each other and I'm not so am going to be left out as it is - don't want them thinking i've upset her too and it being awkward on the day. It is one of those friendships where we are friends coz we always have been but realistically we no longer have a single thing in common so I won't be too surprised if it fizzles out. I suppose I just always think it's a shame when you lose friends you've had for years.
redexpat tell me about it, I spent half my honeymoon saying I was never gonna talk to her again! I have only recently been able to laugh about it!! It was unbelievable, I'm not even sure what the worst bit was!

OP posts:
qwepoi · 03/08/2011 08:34

Have you considered just not being her bm?

Collision · 03/08/2011 08:36

After the performance at your wedding I would not have agreed to be her bridesmaid at all!

She is very rude and not a real friend imho. I certainly would not spend all this money on someone so vile. I might spend more on a family member.

I think you should step down from bridesmaid duties altogether and tell her that you will be heavily pregnant and you have been told to rest and not get too stressed and just go to the wedding if you have to go.

Personally I would have defriended her after my wedding.

You need to have supportive kind people in your life and not ones who are so unsupportive and selfish.

vigglewiggle · 03/08/2011 08:46

Thanks for indulging my noseyness. She sounds like a complete nightmare and was possibly jealous of you on your big day.

I would just hold your head up high and state clearly what you can and can't afford to do. You might find one or two of the other bridesmaids might follow suit. Behave impeccably on the day (as I'm sure you would) and then run for the hills!

MaureenMLove · 03/08/2011 08:49

You don't lose touch with real friends, despite the distance or lack of common ground. She's just not worth it. She behaved appaulingly at your wedding! Shock I wonder why she then had the nerve to ask you to be her BM? Very peculiar behaviour! Perhaps she was secretly jealous that you were getting married? Still doesn't excuse her though.

Anyway, I'd not worry about what other people think about your finances. That's just you being too proud. Let's face it, you've already said, you have nothing in common with her or the other BM's, so what does it matter. Any woman with any sense, would surely understand why, at 7.5 months pg, you are a bit short on funds!

I've got a wedding to go to in November, which is also going to cost a fortune. Outfits for the 3 of us, plus the cost of the hotel, at over £100 a night, plus a present, plus evening drinks. The 'do' is over 20miles away! So many people will have to either stay over or someone's got to drive home! I know it's their day, but if you want people to celebrate your day with you, then surely, you've got to consider them everso slightly! Afterall, these days, there is a strong possibility that the guests are probably paying for your bloody honeymoon! (Oh, I'm starting to rant now too! Grin)

What happened to the good old fashioned wedding, in the local hotel or church hall, with all food and drink layed on?

Twinkiesmum · 03/08/2011 08:55

She acted like a selfish bitch on your wedding day, refusing to do anything you wanted and made it all about her, TELL her what parts you'll be participating in and brooke no further nonsense.

pigletmania · 03/08/2011 08:57

After that behaviour at your wedding that would have been the end of our friendship. I would never have agreed to be her bm, she sounds like a nasty cow.

Original poster
excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 09:02

Thank you ladies, am feeling so much better about telling her that I can't afford it etc now. I always feel surprised at peoples reactions when they hear that story but thats coz I'm numb to it now- i forget how shocking she actually was. I am feeling somewhat less concerned about upsetting her/rocking the boat than I did before.

Will chat with DH when he drags his lazy ass up wakes up and decide what we can and can't do and look around for other hotels in the area.

Thanks again

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:09

Oh my God! She sounds . . . I don't even know what the word is! She pretty much ruined your wedding! It even sounds like she set out to do that! Dump her! Fuck her wedding! Angry

Scholes34 · 03/08/2011 09:14

I'm really surprised you've agreed to be her bridesmaid, bearing in mind her behaviour at your wedding. Even if you look for a cheaper place to stay, I doubt you'll save much money and it will only make logistics harder and give the impression you're being awkward. I think you've only two options, to either do everything or withdraw completely. You can save money by not buying the two new maternity dresses.

When I received a recent wedding invitation from a former colleague, I asked myself whether it was worth the petrol . . . and decided it wasn't so we didn't go.

sunnydelight · 03/08/2011 09:24

And you're her BM why? After that performance at your wedding I'm surprised you're still talking! I think I would come up with a reason for not being able to go up on the Thursday night, and join in from the Friday instead (just make sure you do it early so you don't get charged for the hotel room on the Thursday anyway). She's probably strop no matter what you do so you can either be honest and say you really can't afford it or come up with a lie so spectacular even she can't challenge you Grin