to remember fondly when weddings were one day events...

[excitedLJ]

standby for a bit of a rant, I didn't sleep well and was woken by a text from this friend.....

My friend is getting married in Scotland (where we are from but neither of us lives anymore) in September and I am a bridesmaid. She was a bm for me last year and was absolutely horrible but i'm trying to not hold that against her. The issue is that I will be 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time and we have just been given the itinerary - she has picked a hotel for us and reserved rooms for the thursday night as they are having a groomsmans dinner, the friday night as they are having a rehearsal dinner and the saturday for the actual wedding. The room on Thursday is £120, Friday is £140 and she is paying for Sat. The men are going on a whisky tour on Fri followed by golf - £60. Girls are off to a spa £50. Not to mention petrol money to get there and back and 2 pretty maternity dresses for the dinners and a gift. I have no idea how we are going to afford this.

Is it unreasonable to think that there is no need for all the other bits - which clearly as a bm I am obligated to attend - and it really only needs to be about the day??

DON'T GO!!!!!!!!

I would not have even gone to her wedding let alone be her bm. She was not afraid to spoil your special day, you don't be afraid to do what's best for you, and ignore the selfish cow.

YANBU. We had SILs wedding last weekend and there was a meal on the friday night, we all had to go and decorate the venue on the saturday morning, the wedding was saturday afternoon/evening and then there was lunch on the sunday! Needless to say it cost an arm and a leg ("but its famileeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" says MiL ) and the guests had well and truly run out of small talk by the sunday.

Frankly it sounds as if you do not owe this woman anything.

Unless she's paying for all the extra nights and outings, I'd just tell her firmly that you can't afford it and just do the minimum of what you have to do as a bridesmaid. What a nasty selfish cow.

So why are you still friends with her?

YANBU. I long for just one wedding which doesn't have at least one of the following points:

• bank details on the invite so we can directly transfer the present to their account (over here in Europe everyone is doing that) - asking for money as a gift is one thing, providing bank details to me is just crass
• not needing to sleep overnight in an expensive hotel
• enough decent food - FFS if you are on a budget invite fewer people - don't scrimp on food and drink. When DH and I got married we had no money so invited just 8 guests but we all had really good food and drink

Oh, and you'll be 7.5 months pregant? There's your excuse for not going at all - it sounds like my idea of hell at any time let alone when pregnant.

Can I play devil's advocate for a minute? She stayed with you for a few days before the wedding & helped with favours etc? Is there any chance she got the idea that the wedding party all get together for a few days before the wedding from you? To be fair, her plans (dinner, spa etc) all sound lovely if you can afford them and want to go

It sounds like you can't/ don't though so I'd play the pregnancy card if I was you. "Sorry darling friend, I would love to be there, but I'm getting v tired recently & I find it very hard to sleep anywhere but my own bed so I'll just come up on the Saturday morning."

some warped sense of loyalty Whosegotmyeyebrows??

as in I have a warped sense of loyalty , not you

I am so angry on your behalf . See I've got my angry face on!

Yeah that did confuse me for a minute

rubyrubyruby i'm really not trying to be either of those things - just cant afford it really and do think its a little OTT

Bank details on the invite
Have these people no sense of acceptable behaviour whatsoever? That is beyond tacky.

The idea of a rehearsal dinner is very American. We went to a wedding in the States recently, with three DCs in tow. There was a rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself and a post-wedding brunch on the Sunday. The groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner, the bride's family, plus the bride and groom, paid for the wedding, and the bride's sister hosted and paid for the brunch on the Sunday. The guests who had travelled considerable distances didn't begrudge the accommodation expenses because there were no out of pocket expenses except a pay bar from Friday evening to Sunday lunchtime.

If a bride and groom want to embrace these aspects of a wedding, they should do so in full and arrange for the events to be funded accordingly.

. . . and the pay bar was only for the meal on Friday evening.

@ bank details Cheria! That is so wrong!

Why has it all spiraled out of control, do you think? Is it an American thing? Like these proms the kids are having these days? Is it because so many people don't live local to each other anymore? Who knows...

I'd like to think though, when DD gets married, she and her partner and me and DH, will pay for everything. I stand by what I say again, in my first post. If you want to invite people to celebrate with you, you make them feel welcome and comfortable and actually want to be there and not feeling like they have to be there, out of some loyality to family or friends!

I am so going to get off my soap box now! I really am turing into a grumpy old woman. I'm off to celebrate my 20 years of wedded bliss, by cutting the grass and getting something out of the freezer for our tea!

rubyrubyruby i thought you might have but just wanted to be sure
princessjenga she wasn't really much 'help' but i see your point. Perhaps these things presented as 'options' would be fine but it is the presumptuous nature of it that makes it difficult to say no to IYSWIM

If someone had spoken to me like that on my wedding day, I simply wouldn't have any contact with them again. Personally, I would cancel, saying I will be 7 1/2 months pregnant and it's going to be too much. She will never speak to you again, but that will be a blessing anyway.

Any attempts to negotiate down the days/ the hotel/the stuff she has planned will just be seen as you two not getting on again. If the friendship means a lot to you, I think you have to suck it up now, if it doens't, I'd use this as the opportune time to quit the whole thing.

I would definitely skip Thursday, the extra night at the hotel, dinner and clothing isn't really worth it. Use your pregnancy as an excuse (although I guess she'll be the kind of person so be upset about that, since that is another attention-grabbing exciting live event you have 'beaten' her at).

I think it's fair enough to want you at the rehearsal though, but at least you'll 'only' be paying for one night at the hotel and one dress. Plus everything else, obviously.

Surely you can't travel if you have high blood pressure late in the pregnancy. She's hardly going to appear with a monitor! Could be your get out of jail free card.

'Is it an American thing?'

No. Americans don't usually do two-tiered weddings with 'breakfasts' and 'evening dos' because it's legal to be married after 6PM. Many weddings are therefore held in the late afternoon or evening with a cocktail party and dinner straight after.

Everything paid for, too.

I don't understand why you speak to this woman at all but I'd bow out of this whole thing, never speak to her again and have a weekend break somewhere nice instead.

Then again, I'd have never spoken to her again after her behaviour at my wedding.