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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to remember fondly when weddings were one day events...

80 replies

excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 07:51

standby for a bit of a rant, I didn't sleep well and was woken by a text from this friend.....

My friend is getting married in Scotland (where we are from but neither of us lives anymore) in September and I am a bridesmaid. She was a bm for me last year and was absolutely horrible but i'm trying to not hold that against her. The issue is that I will be 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time and we have just been given the itinerary - she has picked a hotel for us and reserved rooms for the thursday night as they are having a groomsmans dinner, the friday night as they are having a rehearsal dinner and the saturday for the actual wedding. The room on Thursday is £120, Friday is £140 and she is paying for Sat. The men are going on a whisky tour on Fri followed by golf - £60. Girls are off to a spa £50. Not to mention petrol money to get there and back and 2 pretty maternity dresses for the dinners and a gift. I have no idea how we are going to afford this.

Is it unreasonable to think that there is no need for all the other bits - which clearly as a bm I am obligated to attend - and it really only needs to be about the day??

OP posts:

Cheria · 03/08/2011 10:10

Yes it is no joke. I have been invited to two wedding this year and both had the bank details on the printed invite. It's what people seem to do over here. THEN when we got to the first wedding there was a notice board with an evelope pinned to it for cash or cheques. I think coming along with an actual wrapped and personally chosen gift would have been considered rude.

In OP's place I wouldn't go

PrincessJenga · 03/08/2011 10:14

I think you're going to have to say 'no' tbh. The other BMs won't hate you for it (& do you care anyway as you don't know them?) and anyone with any sensitivity at all will know that someone who's 7.5 months pg is short of cash & energy! I went to a wedding as a guest at that stage and the bride & groom bent over backwards to ensure myself and the other pg ladies there (a surprisingly high number of us!) were well taken care of. I felt absolutely fine & didn't need the fuss, but it shows how friends would normally treat pg guests.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 10:39

I just love these threads. They are just so outrageous. I would just say i'd see her on the Sat and ask what time to be at the church/hotel.

When i got married i had 3 bm's. we went shopping and i gave them £250 budget each to choose a dress they liked (didn't have to match) that they could keep and wear again. (it turns out they all chose the same dress anyway). Then just told them the time to be at my house to leave for the wedding. We organised all transfers for guests between the service and reception. Had a choice of 3 menus. wine and champagne with dinner and on arrival and a free bar till 11pm.

At 1 bm's wedding she had a service and reception on opposite sides of london - we were all left on Hamptstead heath in our finery wondering how to get there.

The other bm had the most shambolic wedding, she hadn't organised anything and we spent the day running round doing everything. she didn't even thank us (in fact she was rude to everyone).

And the 3rd bm is now living with my husband!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2011 10:42

Given that she's a sorry excuse for a friend, and the other bridesmaids are not your best friends, and how she behaved at your wedding, I'd probably not necessarily politely back out of being her bridemaid altogether.

Seriously, you've got far more exciting things on your plate in September.

Or, given what she did at your wedding, tell her on the Wednesday and leave her to foot the bill of the hotel room she so presumptuously booked?

slugger · 03/08/2011 10:47

Sorry OP but I am PMSL at the idea of a bridesmaid saying to a bride about her wedding dress 'if you like it, then that's good'

Absolutely just do the one night for her wedding and none of the other things. It is a ridiculous amount of money.

Ephiny · 03/08/2011 10:50

In my experience most weddings are one day events, at least the ones I've been to . I've never even heard of a 'groomsman dinner'...

It does sound a bit outrageous to expect people to give up so much of their time and money and travel If I were you I'd make an excuse to skip the 'buildup' and just turn up for the actual wedding. Especially as she's behaved so awfully in the past, you really don't owe her anything.

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 10:57

Agree with princessjenga

You had her around three days before your wedding

Now she's asking you to do the same

I wonder why

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 10:59

Spuddy bean

Your bridesmaid ended up with your dh?!?

Details please

sunnydelight · 03/08/2011 11:00

My jaw has just hit the floor Spuddybean

iloveroses · 03/08/2011 11:20

Bloody hell, Spuddybean ! Details please !

Original poster

excitedLJ · 03/08/2011 11:28

cj she stayed with me for free - it cost her nothing. If it was help she needed it would be a different story.

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 03/08/2011 11:42

Thank you lachesis Hope you don't think I was being rude, just genuinely curious.

I think the answer must be one-upmanship then. That and the amount of coverage of sleb weddings, which give people ideas above their station!

Like the childrens party. What happened to 10 friends, at home, playing pass the parcel and having jelly and icecream?

Perhaps we should start a trend of taking these things back to basics!

slugger · 03/08/2011 11:49

Ideas above their station

I think if the bride and groom want a three day hoo-hah for their wedding, that is up to them. But they should fund the lion's share of the cost of it and accept that not everyone will be able or willing to attend.

I am not into extending weddings or big birthdays myself and so don't arrange them. I agree that ten friends at home playing pass the parcel and having jelly and ice cream is lovely and there is nothing wrong with it. But equally, fancier stuff is too, provided it's the host's treat!

slugger · 03/08/2011 11:49

Sorry, that should be 'extended' weddings

DoTheStrand · 03/08/2011 12:08

Was about to type out a long thoughtful reply then read Spuddybean's post!

Anyway OP, I agree with Ruby and Cleverything re the spa - there are lots of treatments they won't do for a pregnant woman unless the therapist is trained in maternity treatments.

Also agree with missing the Thursday night. Not sure I would miss the Friday night unless the wedding is late on the Sat - if you have any travel problems on the Sat morning it will be even more stressful for you.

Re the maternity dresses, have you got any friends who have had children who could lend you one or two dresses? Most women I know went to at least one glam event while heavily pregnant - it would save you a bit.

I don't know why so many brides put the expenses on the bridesmaids now - I always thought that if you asked someone to be your bridesmaid they were doing you a favour. A friend of mine who has been a bridesmaid a zillion times says that she is always made to pay for her shoes though, which seems a bit odd. (She has perfectly normal feet as far as I know).

MaureenMLove · 03/08/2011 12:22

But that's the whole point Slugger. It's absolutely fine if someone wants a 3 day do, but not to expect your guests to have to foot the bill.

If I had had thousands of pounds to throw at my wedding, I would have done. However, we didn't, and I was insistant that it was all inclusive. Therefore we down scaled accordingly.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 03/08/2011 12:29

Either pull out completely or just do the one day.

A 3 day wedding is ridiculous. They're expecting people to use 2/3 days holiday, possibly 4 if you work in a sector that works weekends. Then they expect people to spend ridiculous amounts of money to do so

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 12:29

I have posted about this before so apologies if i'm repeating myself and boring you and high jacking the thread...but yes my best friend since i was 3 is living with my now exH.

A year after we were married he announced he didn't want children (altho that's one of the reasons we got married after 10 years of living together). Then i walked in on him and best friend ini bed together at my parents house (we were all staying in the same room during a do. Me and H in bed and bf on floor). They went off to bed early, about 10 mins apart and when i walked in they were clearly sitting up in bed doing stuff in undies and bf leapt out of bed saying 'we weren't doing anything' .

They assured me she had just laid in the bed as the floor was uncomfy and i beleived them. 4 weeks later we separated for a break and i was desperate to get back with him - pouring heart out to bf about it all, telling her all about sex life etc.

Anyway, a few months later he called to say he had something to tell me. That him and my bf were in love. They didn't mean it to happen but it had just overtaken them (i had been out with bf the night before!). He said the lying to me was tearing them apart and they had to tell me so they could feel better! And apparantly poor bf was often in tears about it!!!

blah blah blah all very eastenders.

33goingon64 · 03/08/2011 12:46

IME the bride can lose sight of what's actually at stake when organising a wedding. My 'best woman' (just had the one) organised two hen dos for me, one was a weekend away (a b&b in uk, no £ activities so no extra costs) and the other just a pub lunch for those who couldn't make the weekend away. She asked if she could skip the pub lunch herself as she was short of cash and had come to the weekend away. I said of course she could and completely understood (in fact she came anyway).

However she did make several references to the cost of attending the wedding. It was in France and costs for her were flight and car hire. I paid for her 3 nights accommodation, food for 3 days and her dress. I was a bit at the time about the fact that she kept referring to the cost, and she hadn't done anything to help organise the wedding itself. She even made a bit of a noise about coming dress shopping with me a second time. But she is my best friend and i know that on reflection she weighed up what she could afford and I actually admired her for being honest. It didn't spoil it for me.

But, op, your 'friend' sounds like a bloody nightmare and I think you should speak up sooner rather than later about what you are prepared to fork out for and what you will be skipping. Perhaps with hindsight you should have declined the invitation to be her bm but now you have agreed I think you should go through with it, unless you are prepared to lose her friendship totally (maybe you are?!).

lovecat · 03/08/2011 12:49

I'm completely face:palm about both LJ and Spuddy's stories! How awful!

YANBU, and you would be entirely reasonable if you pulled out of the whole debacle, at 7.5m pregnant (congrats, btw!), you don't need the hassle or the expense.

Happy Anniversary!! Me too, 20 years ago today at 3pm :o

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 12:50

Add message | Report | Message poster excitedLJ Wed 03-Aug-11 11:28:16
cj she stayed with me for free - it cost her nothing. If it was help she needed it would be a different story.

Presumably she took time off work though?

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 12:54

Spuddy that's awful, do you still see her?

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 12:56

cj haha NOOOO! of course not! in fact none of my friends now speak to me since it came out - they all new and now just being near me makes THEM feel bad!

She however still wants to be friends.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 12:57

*knew

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 12:58

oh god both new and Knew look wrong!! which one is it?!! apologies.

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