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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've just been threatened

657 replies

Mitmoo · 03/08/2011 01:37

I've had the garden turned into a camp site and three children sleeping in tents aged 14. They were fast asleep by midnight. I've just had an elderly neighbour knock the door, I've left the outside security light on so they have light, it is mainly on my back garden but lights up around a little bit not
much. The children felt safer

He has told me to turn off the security light as it is keeping him up. I said don't be ridiculous it is 1 o clock in the morning and close your curtains.

He says it is a hot night and he shouldn't have to close his windows. I say leave your windows open use your curtains to block the light.

He says, if you don't turn off the lights I'll be back at 3 am and you wont like what I'll do, there are consequences and you wont like them"

I feel like that is a threat, one of the children heard it and was scared, I've woken all three children, got them inside and left the light on.

AIBU for thinking this w shouldn't be allowed to make veiled threats, scare one child and force me to get the other two in from their sleeps in the garden just to make sure this tosspot doesn't follow through with his threats which he says will happen at 3 am?

The kids and me were asleep, it was just the security light, it's not like they were causing any trouble.

What do you think? Excuse typos sleepy typing.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 03/08/2011 09:07

An autistic kid may require a night light, but whats wrong with a 60w globe. Recreating Stalag Luft is a bit OTT in my view.

RevoltingPeasant · 03/08/2011 09:07

bella I get what you are saying about the OP's son being autistic, but do you know that the NDN doesn't have his own health needs?

E.g., my dad is only 63 but has already had a double hip replacement. During recovery he found it VERY difficult to sleep, often only 30 min at a time or less, for months on end until everything healed up okay. He went totally nuts when some neighbours set off fireworks at midnight on May Day - to them it was a one-off party but for him unfortunately it was the ONE night he'd actually managed to get to sleep normally in weeks.

I think it is very possible that a person of that age has difficulty sleeping and this might really be driving him round the bend. And the OP doesn't seem to have explained her reasons to him, just told him he was ridiculous.

pictish · 03/08/2011 09:10

Agree about those security lights being a pain in the arse - they're very bright! Why do you need them on for 14 year olds anyway?

But also agree that the neighbour wasd a twat.

YA both BU.

TiggyD · 03/08/2011 09:10

Your neighbour should have threatened you.

You should make sure your lights light up your garden.

The children sound incredibly wet if the need a bloody great floodlight at night. Torches are what you have camping.

You were unreasonably rude in your response to neighbour.

You were unreasonable and spiteful to leave the light on.

You lose by 3 unreasonables to 1.

TattyDevine · 03/08/2011 09:12

The neighbour was wrong to threaten you - he may have just meant that he was going to break the light or something - he wasn't necessarily making physical threats. Either way, that was wrong of him.

However I think you are being very, very unreasonable to have brought the children in, thus ending the camping thing, yet left the light on which you knew was annoying him. Its almost like you wanted him to carry out his threat so you could get him in trouble - you like a personal crusade, do you?

At the point you realised it wasn't happening, you should have turned the light off, and spoken to him at some other time (in the cold light of day after a good night's sleep, perhaps) and negotiated what he would be able to tolerate for future sleep overs.

But now you have yourself a little feud on your hands...shame, it sounds like your hands are already full. Anyway I hope it does resolve itself, and that he hasn't done anything nasty.

TiggyD · 03/08/2011 09:16

You are also being unreasonable in going off and starting another thread to justify yourself with different reasons instead of coming back here. You asked what we thought and we told you. If everybody says you're being unreasonable you might just have to accept that you were being unreasonable.

GnomeDePlume · 03/08/2011 09:17

I've read through both threads. IMO the best way forward now would be for Mitmoo to go to the neighbour's house and give a strictly limited apology:

'Mr Neighbour, I'm sorry that my security light disturbed you last night BUT you coming to my house in the early hours of the morning and making what sounded like threats frightened me. If I feel frightened like that again then I will call the police'

Then walk away, dont engage in any sort of discussion.

The point about living in a neighbourhood is that you have neighbours. To make that tolerable then a bit of give and take is required. This means tolerating your neighbours, your neighbours tolerating you and both sides acting with consideration to the other.

If you want perfect silence and perfect darkness then go and live in the middle of a large field.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:21

TiggyD The children sound incredibly wet if the need a bloody great floodlight at night.

That's not a nice thing to say about autistic kids really is it!

TiggyD · 03/08/2011 09:29

She didn't say anything about autisic children. Re read the op.

Andrewofgg · 03/08/2011 09:32

His need for his night's sleep and some circulation of air on a hot night is independent of the youngster being autistic. Leaving a security light on all night is grossly inconsiderate.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:33

YOU reread Twiggy. A link to another thread she wrote has been posted further up. Her son (and possibly his friends) are autistic.

CupcakesandTwunting · 03/08/2011 09:33

Oh I might have known there'd be mitigating circumstances not mentioned in this OP Hmm

Blatherskite · 03/08/2011 09:33

I've now read both threads and I still think the Op is being unreasonable.

It's obvious that the Op and her Son have had a hard time and that the camp out was a big deal and very special to them both but that does not mean that the neighbours need to be kept awake all night - twice in the space fo just a few days - to allow this to happen. If the boys needed light then the Op needed to find a way of providing that which didn't disturb the neighbours and if she wasn't aware that the light was disturbing them, she certainly shouldn't have left it on out of spite after she was told.

It's a shame that the second sleep over was spoiled but it would perhaps not have had to have been if the Op hadn't been so rude as to call the neighbour ridiculous and perhaps instead explained the situation and promised to find an alternative light source for the next sleepover? Or to try turning the light off seeing as the boys were all asleep? He's probably worried that this is going to be happening every other night for the whole of the 6 week holidays and couldn't cope with that thought - I know I couldn't! I doubt the threats would have been made if he felt he was being listened to and not fobbed off with being told to close his curtains.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:35

Andrewofgg Needing more light is NOT independent of the youngster being autistic.

I'm not saying that she should use the security light (I suggested an internal house light) but all the people going on about how wet the kids are and why do 14 yos need a light anyway, are getting on my nerves!

Lucyinthepie · 03/08/2011 09:35

camping night light

Laquitar · 03/08/2011 09:37

I am very Shock at this thread.
In my street most people leave the garden lights on every night for security. I thought thats common [confussed]

If you want darkness you shut the curtain. What about public street lights, passing cars, the moon, the stars....?

CupcakesandTwunting · 03/08/2011 09:39

If the OP, herself, hasn't expressed that the reason that the light was left on was due to her son being autistic, I think that everyone would be wise to stop speculating as such. You're all being incredibly defensive on her behalf when you don't even know that that is the reason.

If it had have been the reason, I would have imagined the conversation with the neighbour would have gone more like this...

Neighbour: "Your light is keeping me awake, could you turn it off please?"

OP: "Do you mind if I don't? My son in camping in the garden and his autism means that he needs a light on. Sorry."

Just a thought.

TiggyD · 03/08/2011 09:44

WhoseGotMyEyebrows: My name is Tiggy, and adding stuff to support your case is one of the classic dodgy internet argument tactics. And did I mention I'm disagreement-phobic? Therefore everybody has to agree with me about everything.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:48

My name is Tiggy, and adding stuff to support your case is one of the classic dodgy internet argument tactics.

What's that supposed to mean? If you are implying that she mentioned the child being autistic to win the argument then you are wrong. She only mentioned that in another thread which someone else linked. She started the other thread before this one, so unless she has a time machine . . .

CupcakesandTwunting · 03/08/2011 09:48

I disagree with that post, Twiggy.

CupcakesandTwunting · 03/08/2011 09:49

"In my street most people leave the garden lights on every night for security. I thought thats common"

Really? I bet your street gives off more light than a floodlit football pitch.

Bizarre.

MumblingRagDoll · 03/08/2011 09:50

I tink the OP didn't wat to allow herself to be dictated to....but security light arent needed for teens.

As I said about the 10 year olds camping....it's too young to be left outside all night....it just is. On a Guide camp there are adults present.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/08/2011 09:52

MumblingRagDoll but security light arent needed for teens

So not even for an autistic teen? Is there really that little understanding of SN on this forum?!

CupcakesandTwunting · 03/08/2011 09:58

Look, the OP hasn't said whether the light was left on because of her son's autism. Can you stop getting outraged by unclear facts, please, Eyebrows?

Playing Devil's advocate though and assuming that the light was left on because of that reason, OP should have explained the situation to her neighbour instead if calling him "ridiculous", which isn't on. So, she is still BU and it changes nothing. You can't talk to people like that.

TiggyD · 03/08/2011 10:02

I respond to the information given by the poster in the thread I'm on. I expect an OP to give all the relevant facts about the case on which I'm asked to give my opinion. I do know a bit about autism and have worked with autistic children. Their abilities and needs vary massively. From the OP's other post "Son is autistic HF, and spends loads of time on his own fishing and golfing and I so want him to have friends. He's spent so many holidays on his own on golf course and fisheries but he gets on well with the adults. He is kind of older than his years." I don't know what her son thinks about the dark, but I'd be surprised if he really needs a huge floodlight as opposed to torch or camping lantern.