To wonder how I have managed to get to 39 without ever coming across 'fat prejudice'...

[joric]

....until I found Mumsnet???
I have always been fat and can honestly say I had no idea that people thought so badly of people who are overweight.
AIBU to think that not everyone thinks we're disgusting, smelly freaks ( based on my positive experiences with friends and strangers over the years)?

Threads like this make me sad. I'm not overweight, my BMI is 20, but I eat well over 3000 calories a day because I am greedy. The only reasons I'm not overweight are that I do a LOT of exercise (running, swimming, netball) I'm vegan so don't eat dairy, and that youth is on my side (I'm 20). Most of my family are overweight though, and I know if I were overweight I would be judged for eating so much whereas as I'm thin it's somehow cute and funny.

Lots of skinny people have high cholesterol and eat crap, or like my best friend never exercise because they don't put on weight anyway. These people are unhealthy too, I think it's dangerous just to concentrate on the overweight. Wallis I assume you also visit threads about smoking, alcohol and drugs and give those people a good earful? Or do people like me who exercise every day and need the attention of doctors every few months for injuries annoy you too? I think a special kind of prejudice and judginess is reserved for the overweight.

There's no denying being overweight is bad for you, but overweight people aren't stupid, they know that. It's also not the only public health problem this country has. We should take steps to get people eating the right foods in the right portions and exercise, but concentrating on the 'fat' aspect doesn't really help anyone, it victimises the overweight (many of whom have issues with comfort eating) and ignores the poor diets and lifestyle choices of everyone else. It divides the population into 'fat people' and 'healthy people' and continues an obsession with food. I agree that it's horrid to see overweight children but I'm not sure warning them away from being 'fat' all the time is helpful. A general approach to sensible eating and regular exercise is much healthier.

And healthy food also needs to be cheaper. I do some voluntary work at a secondary school and one child informed me you can buy fried chicken wings on the way home for £1. I personally would like to see junk food taxed and the money gained only used to subsidise staple healthy foods: seasonal fruit, veg, lean meat and fish/high protein meat substitutes e.g. quorn, wholemeal bread/rice, semi-skimmed milk. I think a lot of people would like to eat healthier than they do but protein is quite expensive and carbs are cheap.

When you see someone that's massive how can you do anything but feel sorry for them, noone wants to be really heavy.....

I fully agree that family (and family friends) making comments during childhood make massive impacts upon a child. I was constantly got at until I was about 10 for bring too skinny, then I developed early and started to put some weight on and it went the other way. I have ended up with huge issues surrounding eating etc. I don't eat as much as many, I have a busy and energetic lifestyle, but am still overweight. I am not happy as I am, however other people's opinions often do more harm than good. I don't feel the need to comment on the appearance of others, as people have their own reasons. Knowing what I have been through, I cannot judge.
However, when people foist their opion on others, I do feel they invite reciprocation... just curious Wallis any mentioned the term patronising to you recently?
Clearly fat is hard for us to battle with. Attitude adjustment seems to be an equal struggle for some. I would love to see the reaction, if we were to say a thin person should just get on with it and eat more to get to a 'healthy' weight. It's an equally stupid and thoughtless concept.
Both my children are slim and very active. I had no issues caused by weight in pregnancy, although the consultant seemed almost disappointed that I couldn't be labelled with some issues to fit the stigma they like to apply to fat women during pregnancy Interesting to note that fat women get a harder time than fat men too
If you genuinely only have concerns for someone's health, keep your comments to yourself, as most of the time they will do more harm than good. When I am happy, I lose weight without struggle. If I could maintain the happiness, I have no doubt I would continue to lose. This is not the case for everyone, I do not presume to know another's situation, but I do know I would not wish to make anyone feel as bad as people have made me feel.

noncuro excellent post. Thank you

Continuum Leaves people at the same time desiring of sympathy for their own circumstances while at the same time increasingly incapable of feeling it towards others because the norm has become criticism instead of compassion.

I do see this all over mumsnet, not just in relation to fat... Some of the most vicious posters have posted elsewhere about their own troubles.
I do feel quite empathetic towards people usually ( if anyone finds me unduely harsh- pull me up on it!!) because life can be a struggle for a lot of people.

Pingu - I relate to everything you have said- I look at photos of myself especially in my teens and I can't believe I thought I was Really fat- like you, I'm tall and stocky rather than tall and willowy. The size of clothes I wore and my weight was above average.
Funnily enough , my mum ( same build) lost a lot of weight after becoming a widow - on the charts she was 'overweight' and wore size 12... She looked painfully thin.
I think my best size for my height would be 14/16... For some people that would be obese- it's all relative.

"Maybe people are just being turned into uncompassionate bastards because of the relentless assault of media. Sneering newspapers, gossip mags continually criticising celebrities, the effects of so many and so many years of reality shows which invite you to laugh at and criticise others."

I agree with this. I hate magazines though. HATE them. I identify with anybody who feels judged. I can sense it in them cos I feel it myself.

lilmissminx I agree fat men do not have the same issues as fat women.

My friend came round 2 days ago and cried because she had put on weight. She is now a size 16 on the bottom and a size 12/14 on top. She isn't huge at all, just 'normal' but she is used to being very slim.

She is going on holiday in 2 weeks and can't get into her summer clothes. She was upset and said so to her husband. His attitude was 'well you will just have to slim down then won't you. You have put on weight and need to lose it.'

Her husband is HUGE. He makes me look slim. He looks as though he is 9 months pregant with twins. Yet he felt it was totally okay to request his wife to lose weight.

yes but she was the one upset about it, she thought she looked fat and wanted to lose weight

maybe hubby is comfortable being fat and doesnt want to lose weight

noncuro I really like your post :)

lllmissminx - if we were to say a thin person should just get on with it and eat more to get to a 'healthy' weight. It's an equally stupid and thoughtless concept.
Are people who are naturally thin or those who are anorexic treated badly? I genuinely don't know.. Maybe they are?
In my last post, I said that when my dad died, mum lost a lot of weight- Guess what I did?!!!!!

Pingu!!! :o

pingu - firstly, I totally identified with your post re childhood etc

secondly - husband you just mentioned reminds me of a man I know (he looks just as you described. He declared, to all in the pub, that he'd be glad when his wife had given birth as he couldn't possibly fancy her while she was fat (!)
I was v pleased when one of his fellow drinkers drily pointed out that his wife might start fancying him again, once he had his, as there were clearly twins in there!!!!
Just desserts anyone?!

lllmissminx :o :o :o !!!

Joric - some people are criticised for being too thin. I had a friend like this growing up. She can literally eat as much of anything as she likes and NOTHING happens (aside from feeling a little sick!) With someone who used to be bigger, they are able to put on the weight so it's slightly different. I think you were meaning to encourage your Mum to try and return her life to normal rather than judging her appearance though? Or am I misunderstanding?

I don't eat a lot in quantity, it's more the wrong things. I wish with all my heart that I liked salad, and vegetables etc. But I really can't stand many of them I also have a bad habit of getting through most of the day before I realise I hvaen't eaten anything at all. None of which is good.

Oh this is par for the course. I had a man comment to me that I'd better start running again. The BELLY ON HIM

I have a theory, that almost EVERYbody has some area of their life that they're not on top of. Be that their financial affairs (spending out of control or large debts) or social awkwardness, eating disorders, being unable to stick at something & follow a path and achieve a 'goal'............... VERY few people have it all sewn up regardless of what htey might think when they are being keyboard warriors

Bandwithering - did he mean you should start running in order to get as far away from him as possible???

yeah! I think his point was that I was no longer 'in shape' and I should watch that. ALL said without a trace of irony though. Men shmen!

lol... My Mum once said, that the trouble with (larger) men is that some of them fail to look at their side profile in the mirror and from the front don't always realise they are not the athlete they think. Women tend to be harsher judges of themselves.
She didn't mean all men, she was referring to a rather judgemental 'gentleman' who really shouldn't have been throwing stones in his glass house....

Oh God the stories about DHs remind me of that terrible ad for Special K which was on when I was younger. Possibly in the early eighties:

Perfectly normal-sized woman in bikini about to eat cereal.

No-oil-painting of a husband says, "you can't eat that!" in shocked tones.

Woman replies, "it's okay, it's only Special K"

Implication being that all women need to diet all the time. Just because they are women.

Going back to OP's observation on MN vs RL: People tell what they honestly think on MN, which is very often not the case in RL.

I know very few fat women and have never told any of them what I think about it. Why would I? However, I will tell my thoughts on a MN thread about fat. Why wouldn't I?

Sewilma and Joric - thank you :o

Totally agree about the comments people make to children affects them. I was always made fun of for having a fat bum - it was big, in that it stuck out becasue my pelvis is tilted backwards, but now it is fat. I spent years dressing trying to hide it and beinf conscious about it.

My two nieces hava a year between them - one eats everything she can and is stick thin, the other hardly eats anything and yet is chunky despite constantly being on the go running around and stuff. Work that out. People probably look and think the bigger one over eats but she doesn't at all if anything we sometimes struggle to get her to eat and always have. She's also the one that loves healthy food. She is also the spitting image of my sister at that age which makes me think that genetics play a huge role. People have already made comments to her at school (she's 6) and so it's already begun.

Joric "Are people who are naturally thin or those who are anorexic treated badly? I genuinely don't know.. Maybe they are?"

I don't know about treated 'badly' necessarily but if you're thin people seem to think they have just as much right to comment on your body. My stepmum is very overweight and constantly tells me/family I must be starving/bulimic to stay this size. It's very annoying! I think people who are unhappy with their own size, whether that be big or small, just have a compulsion to comment on other peoples' bodies. My body isn't perfect but I see it as a machine for running/swimming/jumping/catching and if it's doing its job don't worry about anyone else's (unless I get played against someone 6 foot tall in netball!)

I am called , " Skinny cow, skinny bitch, no wonder you're cold you're so thin, stick legs " etc etc.

I have never in my life called anyone a fat anything.

Pingu, I could have written your post about childhood. I was 5,11 with 36C tits by the time I was 14. From the age of 12 onwards grew into being a woman so fast, I sometimes couldn't get up in the morning as my body had used up all its energy growing.

At school I felt like a heffalump. I was simply larger than everyone, quite simply scaled up, and like you, I started to eat to disguise it. I wasn't at all ready to be a woman. From the age of 15 onwards I looked like a Purple Ronnie drawing: stick arms and legs, fat belly and tits. My mother spent most of my teenage years prodding me and sighing in changing rooms.

At age 18, the weight just... fell away. I don't know where it went. And by this time I was old enough to deal with my height and tits and not hide them, though it took me a very, very long time to love my body. At 24 I weighed just under 10 stone and my BMI was 17%.

I think I escaped the curse of an eating disorder, for two reasons:

1. My dad and two brothers took me exactly as I was. In fact they couldn't care about my size. big? small? - meh.
2. My mum's comments come out of a place of love. I know that sounds weird, but she genuinely feels that the thinner I am, the better my life would be. It stems from her mother, who was very slender and used to prod away at mum and her sisters (mum was also chubby as a teen and slender in her 20s, you'd think she'd have learned). Thing is, I know, I absolutely know she loves me and she is enormously supportive in all other areas of my life. She'd just like me to be a size 8, or at a pinch, a size 10. It's also a class thing for her - being overweight is very non-U.

WallisSimpson - thank you for making my prophecy come true ? I knew someone would come along and stealth boast about their lovely slender child. I should put me comment on the 'things people always say on MN' thread.

And... losing weight really isn't as simple as 'just do it!' after a certain age.
I am currently a size 14/16 due to the fact I work full time, have to socialise after work (food and formerly, drink) and want to spend the rest of my spare time with DD and DH. I'm also 9 weeks pregnant.
Until I was 30 I could eat literally anything and up my exercise amount for a few days and it would disappear as if by magic. Now I have to fight for every pound, and you know what? It's not worth it. I have a job I love (which includes reviewing restaurants), I have a toddler, I have friends and a life. I can climb up both sets of escalators from the piccadilly line at Holborn, that's good enough for me.
Frankly: Fuck the fact I'm carrying a few extra pounds. Seriously, fuck it. There really are more things in life, you know.

Wallis - surely you should understand then that things are not black and white. How would you feel if someone here turned around and said 'well it's your own fault you should just eat more. More calories, more weight. Simple'

It doesn't work like that. People have different metabolisms, different needs. My point was that you have a simplistic attitude towards this subject. Have a read back and see what you think.
Please bear in mind your own words before wondering why you may have irked people- quote "The bottom line is though, that medical conditions aside, the majority of people who are overweight are so because they have too many calories going in and not enough exercise to burn them off."

I totally identify with the content of this thread. I also have weight issues although at the moment I am a size 12/14 and nearly six foot so well within my BMI atm. I have been size 20 -24 as well. I was chunky as a child and really believe that my weigt issues have something to do with my mum. When I was growing up she constantly went on and on about my weight (she is petite size 8/10) and now that I have lost weight she cannot seem to go on about how beautiful I now look but would look better if I lost another stone etc.

She also does not stop going on about calories, saturated fats etc and telling my kids that if they are fat at ten they will be fat forever, such that my 12 year seems to be developing body issues. I always find that when she is around I just cannot seem to eat without wondering whether she is thinking about how much I am eating as she always cannot seem to stop going on about oh I cannot eat this because it is too fattening, what is in this etc etc. I just constantly feel judged. I do think that she means well but wish she would just shut up about weight issues and get on with it. There is more to life tbh

You are so not being unreasonable