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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I have managed to get to 39 without ever coming across 'fat prejudice'...

165 replies

joric · 02/08/2011 08:50

....until I found Mumsnet???
I have always been fat and can honestly say I had no idea that people thought so badly of people who are overweight.
AIBU to think that not everyone thinks we're disgusting, smelly freaks ( based on my positive experiences with friends and strangers over the years)?

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 02/08/2011 18:20

Having been both slim and now just a couple of stone overweight, I can honestly say people do treat you differently. It is very subtle but it is there & I'm sure people don't even realise they are doing it.

InstantAtom · 02/08/2011 18:28

Yes, this is absolutely true. In fact I have considered not losing weight so that it will be easier to tell who is genuinely a nice person.

I can honestly say people do treat you differently

NevermindtheNargles · 02/08/2011 19:08

I think it's hilarious that we're all supposed to be gutted that there are men that won't go out with fat girls. So if you married a man and put on a couple of stones it would be ok for him to dump you?

Are skinny women all over the world lamenting the men they missed out on who prefer larger ladies? Of course not, only fat women are supposed to cry into their cheesecake about men who don't find them attractive.

Each to their own, but I prefer a man who loves who I am, not what I look like.

AuntieMaggie · 02/08/2011 19:27

I've noticed it on here too and its made me feel really shitty about myself at times.

I'm a size 18/20 and have been on a diet for as long as I can remember. My weight is partly my own fault and partly due to medical reasons. But people don't know that its hard for me to lose weight because of medical reasons and that its taken me 2 years to lose the 2 and a half stone I have. According to mumsnet people just look at me as fat and disgusting.

I walk 5 miles every day, as well as doing other exercise but I'm classed as lazy.

I eat less/better than anyone I know and yet I'm seen as greedy.

And to top it off because one of my medical conditions is hormonal I have a sweat problem so that just adds to the way people look at me :(

Some of the nicest people I know are on the large side and not one of them is any of the things that mumsnet accuses them of being.

Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 19:45

Face it... some people are just Bitches

Sewilma · 03/08/2011 10:57

TimeWasting The Consultant was a man. He had a female student with him - what a great mentor Hmm

Can't believe the stories on here. What gives people the right to judge others and deliberately embarass them in public, it makes me so angry. It's hard not to let the remarks get under your skin but I try to imagine what sort of life these people must have where belitting someone else is the highlight of their day. Yes, I might be overweight but these people are stuck with their nasty little unimaginative lives and will probably never know what it's like to truly love and be loved unconditionally Smile

kenobi · 03/08/2011 11:18

Just wanted to add (and hopefully reassure?) those people who've been shouted at by drunks and teenagers - I was of average weight but I still occasionally got abuse from those two sections of society. My crime? I'm 5'11 and I was wearing heels, making me about 6-6.2.

Seriously, the ONLY thing it reflects on is the gross stupidity of people in groups. Don't take to heart the words of a smelly hormonal 14 year old or a man who is probably going to shit in his own bed later that night because he thinks it's a good idea to drink 12 pints (which in itself shows how farking thick he is).

But the obsession with weight on these boards - god yes. And it's not just adults. If I see another thread about how dreadful it is that children's clothes are so big in this country, and how awful it is that they have to buy darling 6 year old Delilah clothes for a 4 year old because she's so slender, I'm going to reach through the computer screen and commit violence.

Last but not least, I am currently a size 14/16 and my mother can't bear it. She genuinely believes that my DH will walk out on me if I don't lose weight, suggesting that that's the ONLY reason he's with me Hmm. I pointed out that her two slimmest friends were the ones whose husbands cheated on him, which made her very cross Grin

As for the doc who said you'd get a husband if you lose weight... wow, just wow...

AuntieMaggie · 03/08/2011 12:46

"will probably never know what it's like to truly love and be loved unconditionally " agree - I can wholeheartedly say that my DP for all his faults has loved me fat and thin(ish) and said he would still love me if I doubled in size.

AuntieMaggie · 03/08/2011 12:47

I was called fat all my teenage years when infact I was thin but just more developed than most teenagers, which itself comes with its own perception that you're easy...

Anyway, now I am fat but am so angry with all those people that called me fat when I wasn't and damaged my self esteem Angry

upahill · 03/08/2011 12:53
  • ScrambledSmegs My mum is a fattist . When I had difficulty losing the baby weight it was directed at me. It is horribly demoralising to have your own mum suggesting that you are fat and revolting (linked in her mind, not mine). Admittedly she has body issues and is the size of a sparrow, but it's hard to remind yourself of that when the words coming out of her mouth are so hurtful. She thought she was being kind.

Oh, and I went up to a size 12/14. *

You must be my sister!!!

I live about 200 miles away from my parents and yet she still nags me about my weight down the friggin phone!!

I have gone up to a 14 and boy doesn't she love reminding me!!!

mumwithdice · 03/08/2011 13:24

I would like to give you all some possibly useful information. I am a SAHM now, but for a long time, I studied bioarchaeology.

I have looked at over 1000 skeletons, both male and female and do you know what I noticed? Some people really do have larger bones than others. And before anyone jumps in with "But in the past . . .", these skeletons were from a medieval cemetery.

Further to that, I know we all tend to worry about our hips. Women will always have slightly rounder hips than men because our pelvises are differently shaped as we need the larger gap to push a baby through. The pelvis is the most reliable way of sexing a skeleton because the difference between a male and a female pelvis is so marked.

So, when anyone has a go, keep these things in mind. Hopefully, this little bit of info will be seen as supportive. I meant it to be.

Original poster
joric · 03/08/2011 19:51

Kenobi/auntiemaggie- I love your posts

Mumwithdice- they absolutely do, I agree... DD is at least two years bigger in clothes than her age- she is the right height for these clothes and she is solid. Her young friends are tiny and she looks at least 2 years older than them. She is not slender and she is not fat either but I fear that other children will see her as 'fat' because she is bigger than them.

OP posts:
qwepoi · 03/08/2011 19:59

I come from a family of skinnies and as such have never really understood why some people are large, it's just out of my experience. Obviously I know some medical conditions cause weight gain, but if it is just due to overeating I just can't imagine why people put up with being uncomfortable and risking their health, is it not extra hard work on the feet having to carry a lot of extra weight? I'm not trying to be faceatious I just genuinely can't imagine what it be like.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/08/2011 20:01

It's crappy qwepoi. But you get to a point where losing the weight is such a monumentous task that it seems impossible so you put up with it. In my case anyway.

Sewilma · 03/08/2011 20:02

AuntieMaggie - I have experienced so much of what you have, my heart really does go out to you and I have to say that you sound lovely. Wish there was a emoticon for a big hug for everyone on this thread! x

Original poster
joric · 03/08/2011 20:05

Qwepoi- I can imagine that as I think some people are naturally really petite- yes, it's harder on your feet I'm sure- I would love to be light- I only really realised how different people are when I had DD who was as heavy as a ton of bricks when she was a baby compared to friends babies who were as light as a feather!! :)

OP posts:
Wallissimpson · 03/08/2011 20:39

The bottom line is though, that medical conditions aside, the majority of people who are overweight are so because they have too many calories going in and not enough exercise to burn them off.

No one was overweight in the POW camps. No one was overweight in the workhouses and backstreets of Victorian London.
Yes, people have different metabolisms, bone structures and pre disposition to being large or small. Some people have to work much harder to be slim than others, that is all very true.

But if you consume more calories than you burn you will be fat. The key is to ensure our children stay slim, healthy and active, don't let them get fat .A fat child is more likely to become a fat adult.

About partners, of course our partners love us regardless of our size. As we do them but I do believe we find certain shapes and sizes more attractive or more of a turn on. I will admit that I would struggle to fancy DH fat. He's always been slim and I like slim. And he would struggle to fancy a fat me. Love - yes, fancy - not so much.

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 20:49

Wallis, one a grand scale, of course eating more makes you fat, eating less makes you thinner, but it is easy to bollocks up your metabolism by starving and binging. Under-feeding children is likely to lead to them becoming more overweight in the future than if they'd been left to their own devices in the future.
Better a bit of 'puppy fat' now than a binge eating bulimic later.
Caution is therefore very important when 'ensuring our children stay slim'.

Wallissimpson · 03/08/2011 21:06

Why is not letting kids get fat translated as underfeeding?
Mine are all like sticks. They eat and eat and eat. But they don't eat too much crap and they walk, cycle, run, ride, swim, climb, explore etc. As kids should.

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 21:09

It's a big risk. Women under-feed themselves a lot, I don't think everyone has a real understanding of what their own or their childrens calorie and nutrient requirements actually are.
If we put pressure on mothers to 'deal' with their children's obesity without ensuring that people know what that involves it could make things worse.

NevermindtheNargles · 03/08/2011 21:16

I knew eventually people would start coming on here to tell us all we should eat less and exercise more.

But it is true, some people do have to work harder than others to stay slim. I slimmed down for my wedding, it meant not having a drink, never going out for a meal, and spending all my days obsessing about what I was eating. It was a miserable time, but hey, at least I wasn't offending anyone with my hideousness.

For some people, that is the choice. It certainly is for me: slim and miserable, or fat and enjoying life.

Wallissimpson · 03/08/2011 21:19

Do you really think women underfeed themselves Timewasting?
Wherever I go, the complete opposite seems to be in evidence. Anywhere you go to these days, you see more overweight people than thin or underweight. By far.

timidviper · 03/08/2011 21:23

I find it worrying that our children are subjected to this constant barrage of weight propaganda. Healthy eating messages are fine and proper but when they're combined with the spite of the gossip magazines, newspapers, etc it's a dangerous cocktail.

I do agree that fat-ism is the last bastion for the knobheads who now find racism, etc no longer acceptable.

As for bring a fat catholic being the worst thing I'm not sure, I reckon as a fat scouser I might top that!

Wallissimpson · 03/08/2011 21:26

I find it far, far worrying that so many children are fat and getting fatter, timidviper.
The number of children with weight issues connected with undereating are minute compared with the sheer number of fat and overweight kids. that is a real, serious concern and public health issue.
The are children born today whose lifestyles and diets mean they will not live as long as their parents. That's morally obscene.

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 21:48

Wallis, yo-yo dieting is the best way to get fat.
I see lots of women, even women my size trying to survive on 1200 cals or much less a day for instance who are basically messing their metabolism up and giving themselves psychological issues around food. They will nearly all put back on all the weight they lost plus a good amount more. Next time they try to diet it will be harder, and they'll end up fatter again.
Underfeeding, ie dieting, followed by the inevitable binge is how lots of people get so fat.

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