to not pay for this takeaway meal?

[TidyDancer]

Okay, quite prepared to be told IABU on this one, but I actually think I'm being reasonable on it.

My cousin has got annoyed that she is not invited round to my house much. She has come for lunch before, but when I see her, which admittedly is not really that frequently, I generally meet her in a park (which is about halfway between our houses) so that DS and her DD can play together. I will pack a picnic if the weather is nice. But my cousin wants to come for dinner now, and I've arranged it for Friday night.

I'm reluctant to have her here in the evening mainly because she is usually miserable and rude. She has never made much of an effort to get to know my DP and the evening will just be uncomfortable and a total bore. Fortunately, the children do actually play nicely together, so DS will have a buddy for the night! I am okay with the fact that she's coming round, but I am annoyed about her comments about the food.

DP is a brilliant cook and has offered to do something that would suit everyone, adult and child. This was my preference, as we are largely a vegetarian household (I am veggie, DP eats mainly a vegetarian diet, as does DS, DD just about to start weaning). We thought if the weather was nice, we could even do a barbecue and eat in the garden.

But my cousin has rejected this idea and wants to come round for a takeaway. She has made it clear that she expects DP and I to pay for her and for her DD. If we'd invited her round explicitely to have a takeaway, I might agree with her, but that's not it. Not only that, but her DD is a very fussy eater and will according to her mother, probably only have chips. If that's ever the case with DS, we will let him have chips, but they will be oven chips, and I will do them at home for him. He will eat with us and have them served at the same time, so he wouldn't know they weren't from the takeaway (not that he'd care). Aside from the fact that I am being expected to pay for the takeaway, I have now been told that it would be unfair for me to cook oven chips for my cousin's DD when we would be having a takeaway, so I should be ordering a portion of chips and a couple of things for her to try. Again, I am being expected to pay for all this.

This is in addition to the fact that she won't get a taxi home (she doesn't drive) so DP or I will have to drive her and her DD to their place, meaning one of us will not be able to have a drink with dinner. Not such a big deal, but it's bugging me with the other stuff.

AIBU to tell my cousin that if she wants to have a takeaway, she will be expected to make a contribution that covers her and her DD's share? And that unless she does, DP will make dinner?

Sue, we could probably still do the barbecue, depending on the angle of the rain! We have a retractable cover (don't know if that's the right name for it!) that shields several feet of the garden, so we could conceivably have a wet weather bbq! That said, plan B would probably be DP cooking something yummy!

Good point though, because I'll have to make sure we have enough stuff in!

Doing the shopping tomorrow night, so I am taking suggestions for the menu! Normal bbq food, but I need ideas for nibbles and pudding stuff!

Oh right thanks guys . Tidy you can remind the cheeky moo that if she wants a takeaway she can bring her own. Make sure you drink lots and don't have any money so that she has to order a taxi and pay for it herself!!

The text could be something like "Don't forget we'll be having a drink so you'll need to make sure you have enough money on you to get a taxi home."

If you think she'll deliberately forget to bring money add "It'll save you having to go via am atm on the way home as we don't tend to keep cash in the house."

My sister is exactly the same. I understand the situation totally. With anything else, I am no pushover but to the bewilderment of my husband, she treats me like dirt constantly. Very annoying and selfish and like your cousin, she would kick off or blank me when I don't give in to demands. Case in point: At 8 months pregnant, she expected me to drive herself, her husband and 13 year old home at about 11 oclock at night from a Christmas night party. Alone. Her house was about 12 miles away and we live in a very rural area. I refused saying that I was not going to do this and actually put my foot down for once in my life. Why would I? Her response was that "you aren't drinking, you could do that", and that I was so selfish!!!!!! Then she slammed the phone down and I didn't hear from her until a week before Christmas - probably wanted the presents!!! Thank God I didn't drive her home - it was really icy and the snow was terrrible!

My friend has the same problem with her sister. What is it with female relations? And like your cousin, excuses have always been made for her. So much so it infuriates my DH!!!

Completely understand your predicament, have been there myself so many times.

"so won't be able to lend you any." should be added onto the end of that last bit.

Oh and she has never offered me petrol money for the thousands of times I have driven her somewhere!!!! Expects my husband to drive even though he would like a break as he drives for a living. Her response "DH doesn't like driving"! Thank God I suppose, an accident waiting to happen that one!!!!

Oooh excuse me for venting my spleen!!!!! Very cathartic that!!!!

Jesus just tell her that you can pick her up but not take her home as you and your husband would both have been drinking.

You're most welcome to vent Kitty! Sometimes it helps just to get these things out there!

Excellent idea for the text Chaotic. I am not going to text her tonight, I'll give her until tomorrow or it will look like I'm chasing her, and I really don't want to give her the upper hand. I will text her casually tomorrow about the lift stuff, and make it seem like it was an afterthought that I just remembered to mention.

I figure that if the bigger deal I make the lift into, the more it will seem like I think I'm in the wrong, because I'll look like I'm trying to win her round, when I've got no reason to do that.

Tidydancer - have you thought about getting nibbles from the Chinese takeaway? ;)

This is another one of those 'how did that situation happen?' threads!?

She says - I want to come to your house for dinner, not meet in the park. Wouldn't you say... but you've never invited us over for dinner!?

She says- You'll be paying for a takeaway then?
Wouldn't you say-No, we're doing a BBQ. We're not paying for a takeaway as we've just had a large gas bill/credit card bill/aliens cloned my bank details.

She says-I haven't got any money for a cab, so can you collect me/take me home?
Wouldn't you say-No, we're going to get blind drunk and haven't got any money since the alien card cloning incident. We can rechedule when we've both got some money.

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and not the sort of person I'd want to talk to all evening even if she paid for the whole takeaway and her cab fares there/back herself! Does your DH want to spend his time with her?

Honestly; if she wants a chinese-why doesn't she bloody have one tonight-tomorrow night-at HER own house?!

She's being a pain in the arse, but you are doing her no favours by enabling her to do so.

Teacher, I know, believe me, I do! It's a stupid situation and I should never have allowed myself to get sucked in the way the rest of the family do. The value of hindsight....there are probably many reasons why the dynamic is the way it is, over the years she has periodically distanced herself from the family and has got into situations that have caused concern. Why we all tolerate it now and why we pamper to her? Her DD is probably the main reason. And yes, I know, we should call her bluff, but it's hard when we are worried about her withdrawing the child from the family.

Anyway, from this thread and much much thought on the subject, I really think the best way to change things at the same time as not inducing a rift in the family, is to subtley retrain her and manage her expectations, until she is perhaps not so demanding. It might not work, but I think it's worth a shot to change things without a confrontation.

G1nger, a Chinese theme snack selection....I like it!

Good luck with that!

Just out of interest; does she have many friends? I can't imagine anybody putting up with that such an attitude of entitlement!

No she doesn't really have that many friends, which is probably not surprising. I don't think she treats them how she does family though.

Or perhaps she doesnt start out treating them like she does the family, but as she gets closer to them and more relaxed with them, she ends up treating them the same way.

An ex friend of mine was like this. I joined in with her when she was slagging off her family for being so foul to her, because to me she was kind, generous with what little she (appeared) to have, fun, funny and generally a delight to be around. Then after a couple of years she started asking for more and more favours, and giving less and less back. Money became an issue with her borrowing and never paying back, but she did appear to have less than me and I didnt mind helping her. I found out later that she acutally earned more than me! But in a friendship you dont count these things, we all have times where we take more than we give and then other times where we give more than we take, it evens out. My lightbulb moment was the time when I asked her to babysit my baby for 2 hours when she had already said that she wasnt doing anything and she refused because she said she might not want to on the day. Her exact words I forget but it was something like "I might not be bothered so its better I say no now than let you down later isnt it?"

I wasnt asking so I could go shopping or something, it was my grandads funeral and the only other people I could ask would be at the funeral. This was less than 6 weeks after I had babysat both her kids (one a baby a few weeks younger than mine) and driven her on a 60 mile round trip twice (so 120 miles for me) so she could attend her aunts funeral.

It was then that a comment made to me when I picked her up from the funeral hit home. Her own sister said to me "oh, she has got you running around after her now has she?!". She said it in a jokey way but she had obviously seen it all before. She became an ex friend after that.

Still Tidy does not mean you have to be a walkover. You still have to be assertive and make it known that her behaviour will not be tolerated, it sounds as though she is using her dd as a weapon. She knows that you all love her dd, so is underhandedly using her as bait for her demands iyswim.

Bogeyface I had a friend like that too. Their loss though aye?

Curiousmama
It really is! :)

Although I wonder if you have the same problem as me now. She has made me very sensitive to the giving v taking thing, in that I worry that I am being like her if I am having a bad time and am asking alot of my friends. I suppose thats good in that I never take the piss, but I did get a bollocking from my best friend very recently, for sending her flowers after she listened to me for days on end when I found out about my Hs affair. She said she didnt need flowers, just to know that I trusted her enough to talk to her was enough!

I love her! :)

No I'm fine with my friends we give and take Like on Monday I gave a friend highlights/lowlights, she gave me reiki and a reiki bed!!! I'm so happy about that in case you can't tell? I do reiki too and it's good for massaging.

So sorry about your situation It's good you have a friend you can talk to they're so precious.

bumping for a nosey.

whenever you are ready OP

I'm not the only one hovering then...............:o

Op is probably too busy downing enough wine so that a. she doesn't have to drive and b. she's too drunk to care about relative whining about how she wanted a Chinese takeaway

OMG... its Friday... tonight is the night.... come on OP, update us now

I am here. I have wine.

It was interesting....