Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not pay for this takeaway meal?

352 replies

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 10:20

Okay, quite prepared to be told IABU on this one, but I actually think I'm being reasonable on it.

My cousin has got annoyed that she is not invited round to my house much. She has come for lunch before, but when I see her, which admittedly is not really that frequently, I generally meet her in a park (which is about halfway between our houses) so that DS and her DD can play together. I will pack a picnic if the weather is nice. But my cousin wants to come for dinner now, and I've arranged it for Friday night.

I'm reluctant to have her here in the evening mainly because she is usually miserable and rude. She has never made much of an effort to get to know my DP and the evening will just be uncomfortable and a total bore. Fortunately, the children do actually play nicely together, so DS will have a buddy for the night! I am okay with the fact that she's coming round, but I am annoyed about her comments about the food.

DP is a brilliant cook and has offered to do something that would suit everyone, adult and child. This was my preference, as we are largely a vegetarian household (I am veggie, DP eats mainly a vegetarian diet, as does DS, DD just about to start weaning). We thought if the weather was nice, we could even do a barbecue and eat in the garden.

But my cousin has rejected this idea and wants to come round for a takeaway. She has made it clear that she expects DP and I to pay for her and for her DD. If we'd invited her round explicitely to have a takeaway, I might agree with her, but that's not it. Not only that, but her DD is a very fussy eater and will according to her mother, probably only have chips. If that's ever the case with DS, we will let him have chips, but they will be oven chips, and I will do them at home for him. He will eat with us and have them served at the same time, so he wouldn't know they weren't from the takeaway (not that he'd care). Aside from the fact that I am being expected to pay for the takeaway, I have now been told that it would be unfair for me to cook oven chips for my cousin's DD when we would be having a takeaway, so I should be ordering a portion of chips and a couple of things for her to try. Again, I am being expected to pay for all this.

This is in addition to the fact that she won't get a taxi home (she doesn't drive) so DP or I will have to drive her and her DD to their place, meaning one of us will not be able to have a drink with dinner. Not such a big deal, but it's bugging me with the other stuff.

AIBU to tell my cousin that if she wants to have a takeaway, she will be expected to make a contribution that covers her and her DD's share? And that unless she does, DP will make dinner?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 10:49

Gwen, she is about two miles away. We live at one end of town and she lives at the other. It's not a big town obviously! She could get a bus, I don't know why she won't. There's a stop just around the corner from our house and I think it goes into the road next to hers. She gets buses to do her shopping (etc), I think she just doesn't want to get a bus in the evening. It's not like she'd have to go in an unfamiliar area though, we both grew up in this town.

It probably is our fault (our meaning the whole family) for indulging her in the past, but it's been mainly because we do love her DD. My cousin had a tough childhood and I think that's what her attitude actually stems from. But I don't think that excuses her.

OP posts:
squeezemebakingpowder · 31/07/2011 10:51

I just can't imagine the conversation where someone tells me that; 'No I don't want the BBQ you're planning, I want a takeaway and I want YOU to pay for it! Oh and I don't want to pay for a taxi home so as you both drive one of you can give us a lift eh?'

Are people actually that rude?

Shock
muriel76 · 31/07/2011 10:52

Tidydancer, in the nicest possible way, this is one of 'those' threads which never ceases to amaze me! I can't believe how your cousin is behaving but equally cannot believe she has been 'allowed' to get away with it for so many years.

I'm surprised you even have to ask, of course you are not being unreasonable, but if you give in to her demands you are being a doormat. Sorry.

Have the BBQ, pick her up if you want but let her organise her own way home and ignore any sulks or comments.

Personally I would find an excuse to cancel but you sound like a much nicer person than me Smile

TheBolter · 31/07/2011 10:58

I really have no time for rudeness in my life, whoever it's from. OP I think you need to develop a bit of angry intolerance that can be reserved for times such as this!

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 10:59

I wish I was making this up Squeeze!

Basically, once the arrangement was made, I called her to say DP was going to make something, and was there any ingredient she or DD didn't like? I said if the weather was good, we could eat outside, or actually have a barbecue. She then said something like 'Oh I wanted to get a Chinese'. Stone silence from me followed by splutter-like noises. Then all the stuff about her DD and the chips came about when I said when we have a Chinese, DS usually won't eat much, so we just do him some oven chips rather than getting takeaway chips (waste of money and they are usually fried). After that, she mentioned that she can't afford a taxi home (she can, she just doesn't want to pay for it), so what time would we be able to drop her back? Etc.

If I wasn't related to this level of rudeness, I wouldn't believe it either.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 31/07/2011 11:00

Tinydancer - I think you'd actually be doing her a favour by standing up to her, this sort of behaviour will lose her friends - people who aren't family and don't have that bond to force them to put up with this sort of diva act with her will drop her if she's like this with them.

A tough childhood is an explanation for her bad behaviour as an adult, but an explanation and an excuse are two very different things.

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 11:02

The stupid thing is, in almost all areas of my life, I don't even come close to being a doormat. I am not combative and I don't pick fights, but I am not a pushover. I will fight my corner. But I am so used to keeping the peace and having my cousin sulk, that it's just become normal to make allowances for her. As I said, she had a tough childhood, so I think she expects people to be nice to her because of it. She's in her 30's, that can't be her passport for life.

I should toughen up with her, but I worry she will tantrum and withdraw her DD's close contact with the family if she doesn't get treated how she currently is.

OP posts:
Ambergambler · 31/07/2011 11:02

She's being a brat because she has been allowed to get away with it. The rest of your family will probably be eternally grateful if you stop tolerating it. You shouldn't put up with her, at all. Next time you could always invite her dd for a sleepover or a play date without her after all! Grin It doesn't do her any favours to allow her to continue as a) she will get worse the more she gets away with b) it sounds like she is single for a reason and an attitude adjustment may amend that situation, and get her off your back into the bargain.
You should not have to do anything you are not comfortable with, particularly in your own home. She needs telling straight. She must know that she is not behaving well on some level.

catgirl1976 · 31/07/2011 11:03

Take no notice of me tidy. I am a door mat :( DO what everyone else says and good luck!

squeezemebakingpowder · 31/07/2011 11:05

I think if I were you, I would just tell her the BBQ is going ahead, so let you know what she and dd like, and say you'll pick her up and she can arrange a taxi for the way home! Make sure she's clear that you're NOT paying for the taxi because she could turn up on the day with no money!

Good luck if you go ahead, but maybe you can be the one who starts putting your foot down on her selfish behaviour!

Ambergambler · 31/07/2011 11:05

Xpost! She probably will tantrum, because she thinks it's how to get her own way. Let her have her hissy fit. If she withdraws contact, let her calm down a while and then offer a play date or similar. If she is so deaperate to come to your house now, she will soon cave in. Is the desparation to come to you because someone else has put their foot down with her by any chance?
Please don't let her blackmail you with the threat of witholding her dd. Even if she does, I'll bet it won't last.

G1nger · 31/07/2011 11:06

Yes to what Colombia says about the taxi. I also think you should consider another couple of people over and making it a bigger BBQ. How old is she, that she hasn't learnt how to treat people yet?

squeezemebakingpowder · 31/07/2011 11:08

Agree with Ambergambler.

RabidRabbit · 31/07/2011 11:09

Absolutely ridiculous to even think about pandering to this adult brat.

Tell her you are doing a BBQ, and that some other friends/family are now invited and you can't afford a takeaway for all so your DH is doing a BBQ. You will both be having a drink with your dinner so she will need to book a taxi or get the bus. If she doesn't want to come, that's fine, and you will see her at the park again one day.

Gobsmacked at the cheek of some people!

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 11:11

I'm not sure why she's so desperate to come round. The cynic in me wonders if she's just wanting a free meal, but I don't really know. Trust me when I saw she isn't poor. In the last week, she has paid for theatre trips, a visit to the beach and a farm outing. If she is able to pay for all that, she can't plead poverty to me and have it be anything but disingenuous.

I will certainly offer to have her DD for a sleepover, that's an excellent idea. I wouldn't mind picking her up and dropping her off the next day, and DS would love her staying over.

G1nger, she is 34.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 31/07/2011 11:12

sorry but how in the hell does someone reach adulthood and retain this kind of behaviour? How can someone have so little self-awareness?

scarletfingernail · 31/07/2011 11:15

Call her and tell her you have decided you will be doing a bbq on Friday evening and ask if there is anything she does not like.

If she mentions the takeaway again, tell her again that you've decided you're having a bbq. And let that be the end of it!

With regards transport I would say something along the lines of "both DP and I will be drinking Friday evening. One of us is happy to pick you up but you will need to make arrangements to get yourselves home" When it comes to the evening if she starts scrounging for money tell her you have none in the house.

All being well she'll back out before Friday when she realises she's not coming for a free takeaway. Cheeky cow.

You sound much nicer than me. Frankly I would be calling her to say it's cancelled and just stick to the usual meeting in the park (but I wouldn't really look forward to that either).

G1nger · 31/07/2011 11:17

Even if you all continue to accept this behaviour in her 30s, by the time she's 50 life's going to become much harder for her. It's really not cute or anything by then... I'm sure she did have a difficult childhood, but if you love her then you really would be doing her a favour by printing out and showing this thread to her. She'll explode in the short term, but remind her that you love her and you want to continue to have a good relationship, with mutual consideration, into the future. You come across really well on here.

NattersAndMutters · 31/07/2011 11:21

Uninvite her

I need my reading glasses, I thought at first that said 'Urinate on her'

BTW what's the deal with the chips. Chip-shop chips are totally different from home-made oven chips, and having them once in a while won't kill your child. Let him experience this British culinary tradition Grin

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 11:22

You are all so right, and thank you very much for your posts. I will give her a call and say it will be a barbecue and that she will not have to contribute anything. I am only just back to drinking again post-DD, so I would like to have some wine with dinner. I think the offer of a one-way lift is okay, isn't it? I don't want to give her any reasonable grounds to gripe at me.

DP is really a very good cook, and he says you are all nice and can come round for a barbecue anytime. Grin

OP posts:
Sheepling · 31/07/2011 11:22

Just a diplomatic idea, but maybe suggest having a bbq at yours, maybe DP could be looking forward to it or something, and then throw in "If you really want a chinese, maybe we could come to you for one next week?"
She sounds rude but I've found with family members its better to avoid confrontation.
As for the taxi - tell her either you and DP will prob have a drink and give her a taxi number!

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 11:24

Oh DS has some fried food sometimes, believe me!

The deal is just that it's a waste of money when I have a bag of oven chips at home. I stick some of them in the oven at the same time as ordering the takeaway normally. I don't mind him having the odd bit of fried goodness, it's just a waste of money to get chips with a takeaway!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 31/07/2011 11:26

I would tell that she is welcome, you are cooking-if she wants a take away instead that is fine, but getting it and paying for it is up to her.

eurochick · 31/07/2011 11:28

Is she five? This sort of self-centred rudeness is usually seen around that age.

Feed her whatever you prepare. Make sure you and your husband both have a drink. Hand her a taxi number.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/07/2011 11:30

Forgot to add that she is mad, I absolutely love a BBQ. Yummy big burgers and onions and cheese and sauce and mmmmmm.... Where do you live? :o

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.