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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not pay for this takeaway meal?

352 replies

TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 10:20

Okay, quite prepared to be told IABU on this one, but I actually think I'm being reasonable on it.

My cousin has got annoyed that she is not invited round to my house much. She has come for lunch before, but when I see her, which admittedly is not really that frequently, I generally meet her in a park (which is about halfway between our houses) so that DS and her DD can play together. I will pack a picnic if the weather is nice. But my cousin wants to come for dinner now, and I've arranged it for Friday night.

I'm reluctant to have her here in the evening mainly because she is usually miserable and rude. She has never made much of an effort to get to know my DP and the evening will just be uncomfortable and a total bore. Fortunately, the children do actually play nicely together, so DS will have a buddy for the night! I am okay with the fact that she's coming round, but I am annoyed about her comments about the food.

DP is a brilliant cook and has offered to do something that would suit everyone, adult and child. This was my preference, as we are largely a vegetarian household (I am veggie, DP eats mainly a vegetarian diet, as does DS, DD just about to start weaning). We thought if the weather was nice, we could even do a barbecue and eat in the garden.

But my cousin has rejected this idea and wants to come round for a takeaway. She has made it clear that she expects DP and I to pay for her and for her DD. If we'd invited her round explicitely to have a takeaway, I might agree with her, but that's not it. Not only that, but her DD is a very fussy eater and will according to her mother, probably only have chips. If that's ever the case with DS, we will let him have chips, but they will be oven chips, and I will do them at home for him. He will eat with us and have them served at the same time, so he wouldn't know they weren't from the takeaway (not that he'd care). Aside from the fact that I am being expected to pay for the takeaway, I have now been told that it would be unfair for me to cook oven chips for my cousin's DD when we would be having a takeaway, so I should be ordering a portion of chips and a couple of things for her to try. Again, I am being expected to pay for all this.

This is in addition to the fact that she won't get a taxi home (she doesn't drive) so DP or I will have to drive her and her DD to their place, meaning one of us will not be able to have a drink with dinner. Not such a big deal, but it's bugging me with the other stuff.

AIBU to tell my cousin that if she wants to have a takeaway, she will be expected to make a contribution that covers her and her DD's share? And that unless she does, DP will make dinner?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 31/07/2011 11:31

Just tell me when and where Grin

HerHissyness · 31/07/2011 11:31

Stop asking her permission to hold a BBQ, and to get her to and from your home.

No-one else acts like this FGS, really.

You are holding a BBQ, if she wants to attend, great, if not, no biggie!

Go pick her up, but then BOTH of you can drink, and call her a cab, don't give her a choice in the matter. If she's not happy with that really that is her issue! You have done more than 99.9% of posters on this thread would do even for our direct family. Seriously, even ONE off remark at my hospitality and she'd never get invited again.

IF she kicks off, or is anything less than gracious, then you really need to sit her down and tell her right off for being so hideously entitled.

ChristinedePizan · 31/07/2011 11:33

Ooh thank you. I will bring some squeaky cheese kebabs :o

pigletmania · 31/07/2011 11:38

Tidy I am Shock with her rudeness and entitlement. Why are you putting up with such horrible behaviour, I would not expect that off my ASD dd aged 4 let alone a grown adult! I would telephone her and tell her that its off, and that she is being very rude, and that you have something better to do.

muriel76 · 31/07/2011 11:40

DP is really a very good cook, and he says you are all nice and can come round for a barbecue anytime

Bonza! Thanks very much. Am I ok for a lift home after? Grin Grin

Original poster
TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 11:40

Ooh a MN party! We have quite a big garden, this could be fun! Grin

I will update you all when I have spoken to her!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 31/07/2011 11:43

God I wish my dh would cook anything! He cannot even boil and egg. Yes we will come round please Smile tell her that she should grow up and that she cannot use the past as an excuse, if I did that with my SN there is noway that I would have gone to uni and got my undergraduate and postgrad degrees. FFS Tidy don't put up with that shit

chirpchirp · 31/07/2011 11:57

Just another ideas to stop her in her incredible rude tracks.

Phone her a few hours before she is due to arrive and explain that as it's been such a lovely day that you and DH have already enjoyed a glass of vino or two in the sunshine so you won't be able to offer her a lift Wink. I would imagine at this point she will probably decline.

BlimminEck · 31/07/2011 12:21

when she gets there, just make sure you and OH have a few glasses of wine, then there will be no talk about giving her a lift home

Shutupanddrive · 31/07/2011 14:28

Bet she comes with no money, so you will end up paying for her taxi home too! Cheeky cow, of course YANBU, and can you please let us know what happens? (yes I'm nosey!)

G1nger · 31/07/2011 14:35

If she comes with no money, make clear it's a loan that has to be repaid when you next see her.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 14:36

Would it be horrible to suggest she walks home if she has no money on her? If I say what I'm planning to say, I really need to follow through on it.

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 31/07/2011 14:37

Failing that her dd can have a sleepover and she can walk two miles home!

Shutupanddrive · 31/07/2011 14:38

X post! Smile

G1nger · 31/07/2011 14:38

That could be interpreted as a little unreasonable - unless of course she prefers that option to repaying you a taxi fare loan...

HeIsSpartacus · 31/07/2011 14:39

I always used to have to get taxis to stop for cash for me Blush (it is a bad trait, always have cash now I have DC and sadly rarely the opportunity to get taxis now I have mended my ways) - is there a cashpoint in town the taxi can go past en route back home?

Original poster
TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 14:52

She won't pay me back though, I can see it now. She will think that because she's been at my house, I should facilitate all that that involves, including getting her home. She will say she'll pay me back to make sure I give her the money, but she will avoid giving me the money later, because she will still feel that I should've paid.

I think she may be resentful of what we earn. We don't have masses of money, but we can pay the bills and have some left over, and I always find myself very conscious of mentioning that in front of her. She will either get the 'it's alright for some' attitude or she will become grabby. She works part time and I know money is tighter for her, but not so much so that she can't afford some luxuries.

I hate that I can't just have her round and it be about enjoying each other's company. She is just rude.

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 31/07/2011 14:59

If money is tight for her, why not ring in advance and say "we've got some BBQ stuff in the freezer, so just going to cook that for us, save us all forking out for take away" emphasis on all!!

and "DH and I are really looking forward to spending the evening with you, relaxing with a few glasses of wine...why don't you and DD stay over, save you having to think about a Taxi?"

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 31/07/2011 14:59

emphasis on "you" Grin

G1nger · 31/07/2011 15:01

She sounds like a real pain in the bum. Hence my earlier advice on printing out this thread to show to her... Or raising it directly in conversation "I love you and love spending time with you, but...". You really would be doing her a favour.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 31/07/2011 15:02

That's a nice idea, but she won't stay over because of her dog, and I can't have him in the house. Although I could say it as a way to lead into the "save you having to think about a taxi" bit!

Money isn't as tight as she likes to make out sometimes, she forgets I can see all her pictures on FB. She lets my mum pay for everything if they ever go out together and she's on a tiny pension. That makes me bloody mad, that does.

Grrr. The thread is bringing out all my grievances with her.

OP posts:
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 31/07/2011 15:12

Seriously - why?
Just have her daughter over sometimes, you don't have to entertain this grabby, entitled PITA in order for your kids to have a relationship. Just say no.

Maryz · 31/07/2011 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2011 15:17

I would send her a text saying "Thought about the Chinese but DH refuses, says he wants to do a BBQ. He'll pick you up at 7pm but as we'll all be drinking, you'll have to get a taxi back. Don't bring anything with you - we have wine in."

Then get your DH to pick her up. He should say "Got your keys? Got the number for a taxi? Got your purse?" before he starts to drive back with her.

If, when the time comes for her to get a taxi and she asks for money for the taxi, your DH should look SHOCKED and say "You don't have any money? How did you think you were going to get home without any money?" Then you should say "We don't have any money on us - we used it all getting the BBQ food and the wine. Don't worry, the taxi driver will wait whilst you get your purse from the house."

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 31/07/2011 15:20

Cancel it. She is being a selfish bitch. I think you are unreasonable for pandering to her. She needs to be told that she does not run the show and should start being more thoughtful and considerate. You and others are allowing her by acceptance to be a pain in the arse, and it is not doing her DD any good as she will follow by example.

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