To feel very upset that I wont ever know what it feels like to give birth naturally?

[SchrodingersMew]

I've had a horrible couple of weeks. Had problems with fetal movement, hospitalised as they thought I was developing pre eclampsia and now almost unbearable pain due to Hypermobility Syndrome and the weight causing problems with my hips.

From the start I have wanted a very natural birth; only G+A, water birth, skin to skin etc. But was told yesterday while I was in MAU that they don't recommend I birth naturally and also not to go to 40 weeks as it will cause too much damage to my body. So I will be booked for a Csx sometime between 36 and 38 weeks.
They have also referred me to the psych team as they think I will get PND due to not coping with the pain, I don't know if this is also a reason for telling me to go earlier as I am obviously not in a decent state of mind and had a bit of a break down in the hospital yesterday.

I know I should be relieved that I now will have a date and that I will be in less pain but I can't help to feel upset that I wont know what it feels like to experience a vaginal birth. I have been reading all the birth stories on here the past couple of weeks and it has been getting me excited.

I know I am probably being UR and should just be gratefull that everything is being done to make sure me and DS are safe. :(

Oh, and spinal was fine. I was terrified too, but really it was fine

Liege No, "waffle" on as much as you like. :) It has been great to hear so many other view points and stories about this.
It is definitely making me feel more at ease and rather not alone when it comes to my feelings.

I'm glad that it doesn't bother you now and also glad you and your DS are safe. :)

Rolling I was an idiot and watched cs and spinal videos yesterday.... I nearly fainted!

Sorry, Schrodinger, I didn't read the whole thread.

CS does sound horrific, as cutting up an internal organ should. The torture I am talking about is the writhing in pain and crying day and night because of this incessant pain. I did not have this at all with the CS.

I'm sure all will go well and you will be holding your baby wondering why you were so upset with the thought of a CS

Cote It's okay. :) I really didn't realise this thread would get so many replies and realise it's hard to read through!

I'm sure hoping it will. :) I have this complete fear that the spinal will stop working though....

A couple of years ago I had the contraception implant removed and the anesthetic failed, I told the Doctor that I could still feel pain and she didn't believe me, said it would be fine and literally stabbed the scalpel into my arm. Terrified of something like this happening.

You know, the other thing is I think you will be fine whatever happens. I hope of course that you either get the VB you want or a really positive ELCS experience.

But - if you do a CS and feel upset about it afterwards you will be able to accept it eventually. What I'm trying to say, in a clumsy way, is that those feelings are completely valid and you will ultimately be able to deal with them and let them go in time. I totally understand how it feels though and will likely be in the same position as you shortly. But you're doing the right things in advance to be (as far as you can be) mentally ready and you will be OK however it turns out.

You probably already know this but they check really carefully before they start that you can't feel anything (I was a panicker about this and made them test me again and again!) and it's a pretty quick process with the anaethetist (sp?) with you the whole time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I was upset that I'll never know the feeling of being pregnant and giving birth (using any method) and if someone in your position having a difficult pregnancy had siad "Oh really you're not missing out on anything at all its can be terrible" then I nod and smile politely but secretly I'd think "yes well thats all very well for you - you have been pregnant and you have given birth to a child".

And it may be that the feeling doesn't go straight away after you have your child - that you can feel both elated at having your child and resentful that it didn't happen the way you wanted it to. And I think thats OK isn't it? Its OK to wish things had been easier/more run of the mill/more the norm - it doesn't negate the joy you can feel about your child in anyway.

What I have come to realise (with many long years of experience!) is that we all have a differnt journey in life, every life is unique and the specific events that happen in it gain a degree of perspective over time. I still feel occasionally mildly wistful that I adopted DS and that I couldn't have given birth to him but really no more than that. It is part of our story now and is a part of both of us that makes us who we are and not Fred down the street.

We'd all quite like a perect life surrounded by garlands of daisies but in the absence of that happening I think posting on here to reassure yourself of the validity of the requirement for a CS and demystifying it as much as possible is a sensible thing to do.

Don't dismiss how you feel - its OK to feel upset when plans don't work out but it doesn't have to be the defining thing about your initial motherhood.

Rolling It will definitely be ELCS, my hips are far too fragile for a VB I think. :(

I think I will feel upset and grieve a bit but I'm sure it will get better. Plus I'll probably be too busy to think about it!

About the spinal. Is there not a chance it can slip? Or that the anesthetic could fail? In which case, would I need a GA? I am only wondering this because of the previous failed local attempt.

Oh KewCumber :( I feel very guilty when I read stories like yours. It's amazing you have stayed so strong.

No no no it absolutely wasn't meant as a guilt trip. I am very very happy with my life and my lovely DS. But it used to bug me when so many people used to tell me how I wasn't missing anything being pregnant - its such an easy thing to say when you haven;t had to deal with the disappointment of things not working out the way you wanted them to and I never found it very helpful. LIke I wasn't alowed to feel regret for what might have been. Like the adoption cured my infertility and it was disloyal to my DS to wish I had been able to get pregnant. Its bollocks. Its OK to feel disappointed and scared and asking for other peoples experiences here is a good way to start helping yourself take control over what must be a scary time for you.

I cant tell you what to feel and if you need to mourn not having a vaginal birth then please make time for that (esp before your baby arrives).
FWIW I cant have a vaginal birth either. Had first child by planned c section. They really left options open until very end but then decided I had to have a planned c-section. After the c- section surgeon and consultant both said they were very relieved they ahd made that decision and definately not safe for me to risk an emergency c section by going into labour.

Because I knew that planned c section was most likely outcome of my preg I deliberately kept a distance from the natural birth literature. I read a bit but always thought its ok if I dont do this.

And now I think its a real red herring. A c section is only a failure if you see a vaginal birth as a success. In my book success was both of us alive, both of us well and babygirl lovely adn pin with a high apgar score.

Also my c section felt special. I had a really great surgeon, because it was planned. And it was peaceful and special. (It cant help but be special because your baby will be born). The surgical team was amazing, really lovely to us. We held her immediately, I did skin to skin while they stitched me up. We had a screen up so I didnt see them cut me open. I think that was a good decision as altho I was curious to see the operation (I love stuff like that!!) it wasnt something I needed to see on that day. What I saw was the magical sight if my daughter being lifted up and our eyes meeting for the very first time. (still wells me up)
Yes, the scar takes longer to heal, but I think you have a better chance of a good clean cut with a planned c section than with an emergency one. And its only a few weeks longer. To be honest a whole lot less traumatic than the scary prospect of trying a vaginal birth and it not going smoothly. An emergency c section for me would have been a really risky thing, not something I need to contend with in the first few days of my daughter's life.

Plus there are other benefits, because we had a set date we could make the absolute most of my H's paternity leave. Rather than blowing a chunk of it sitting at home with contractions. My H took a morning off for the op. then a few halfdays while I was in hosp, so we had loads of days left for our babymoon. Plus you are up and about immediately almost, its just heavey lifting and driving that you cant do. And who wants to do heavy lifting anyway?

Anyway this is v long and involved but I wanted to let you know and explain why I really really dont have any regrets about the c section. I hope it helps a bit

Kewcumber I didn't for one minute think you were trying to guilt trip me. :) Just that it made me feel a little guilty for moaning about method of birth.
It's great that you are happy now and obviously it is completely normal for you to be upset over not being able to get pregnant.

Firsttimer It does help. :) And thanks for that post. Reading the positive c section stories and the realization that I will have a date and time and hopefully wont be in pain is making me feel a little calmer.

And you're right about the heavy lifting. :o

Mind you, my family wont even let me carry shopping bags!! Mind that might be because my wrists and thumbs keep dislocating. I think it makes them feel a bit nauseous to see! :)

Good, I hope you find a balance with your situation that lets you be happy

I've read a bit of this thread now and was wondering about the feeling that your body is deficient whcih sounds very central to what you are going through. My query is whether a lot of that feeling actually comes from how bad you are feeling physically at the moment. It must be v painful and frustrating. Maybe some of your anguish will be solved by just not being pregnant anymore and therefore losing that sense of your body being 'useless' (or at least a good chunk of that feeling) rather than by performing the physical feat of labour and v birth.

Its just a query. I know I felt much better after the birth (c section) because I lost a huge amount of weight in the days just after (about 20kgs). I was really incapacitated before the birth and only coped with that because I had set myself the very minimal goal of getting her into the world alive. I have been told since my late 20s that I would be lucky to conceive and lucky to bring a pregnancy to term. So my goalposts were somewhere else.

Altho I do think thats v hard when theres all these glowing pictures of pregnancy, people doing light exercise, eating fruit, limbering up for birth and you are barely able to waddle to the toilet and back. I really focused on giving myself permission to fail at all that and just say this is me, this is what I need to acheive and I am succeeding at it. I spent my early 30s buying pregnancy books in second hand shops whenever I saw one, as a promise to myself that I would have a baby one day. During my pregnancy there was nothing I hated as much as those damn books, all those damn stupid pictures. Ugh!

Firsttimer You could possibly be right. I have a total hatred for my body at the moment as it refuses to co operate with anything I want to do. I've even started having to get DP to push me over in bed at night. It's just too painful to turn. :(

I'm really hoping that this will get better when I'm not pregnant anymore, before I got pg I thought I would love being pg but sadly that just isn't the case.

I guess I'm possibly also looking at labour as something to prove to myself that I can make my body work IYSWIM?

I think you are probably very right.

And the day I found out I was pg I bought the MN books..... Fecking horrific! Reading about people dreaming of labouring strange animals and such!

I think I would feel the same as you in your situation, but believe me, vaginal birth HURTS!

I remember wishing someone would say "Right! That's it! She needs a caesarean!" At least that way I would have got the epidural I had BEGGED for three times.

I also remember wondering why, when everyone had told me "You forget all about the pain the moment the baby is born!", I didn't forget about it for several months afterwards.

I've not read the whole of the thread so I'm sure this is just a repetition of what others have said - but I had to stick my two-penneth in! :)

I haven't read the whole thread but just to add - I've never felt a contraction let alone given birth naturally and I've got two children. First time was an EMCS and it was a stressful and horrible time but all ended fine, and I have a beautiful three year old DD and it really doesn't matter that she was prem and in hospital, let alone that she happened to come out the alternative route.

Second time I went for an ELCS - and it was so chilled and absolutely lovely. Honestly, I just get all blissful about my baby coming out and holding him whilst still lying there in theatre, and then as soon as I was back in recovery the midwives cuddled him in to me and he fed for a good forty minutes and then he slept and I just looked down and cuddled my beautiful boy and thought how perfect he was and I really couldn't have cared less that he'd been born by a CS.

Your body is making a baby! It is making a fully-formed human being, brains, nervous system, kidneys... It's made eyelashes!!! How amazing is that!

You are amazing and you will have an amazing baby that your body has made - just like that - without going to special classes or anything

YouDoTheMath I know it would hurt but I think I am probably underestimating how much it could hurt.

Pooter I'm glad you were all fine. :) I'm hoping mines is as chilled and nice as yours. :)

Firsttimer "It's made eyelashes!!! How amazing is that!" :o That made me think too much!!

OP just wanted to say it is crap when your body let's you down on doing things the regular way. I've had RA for 12 yes now and I still have moments of breaking down and bawling about it's crapness but there is nothing I can do about that so for the majority of time in between those tears I just get on with it albeit sometimes in slightly more round about ways because well I don't have a choice and crying is draining. When I was 1st diagnosed I had counselling which was helpful , it looked like at the time I might have to give up on my dream career. I didn't, I just found a different way of getting to my goal and actually the slightly different path gave me some interests I may never have had otherwise.
I never felt robbed of my natural birth but I do often feel robbed of 'normal' stuff like being able to hold and cuddle my DS when I'm having a bad flare

I have come back to this thread. And what I am about to say to you, is going to be very harsh. But I hope you will accept that it is said with the right intention.
I think you need a reality check. I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee. And just be grateful that even having a bloody child.
And we all have sympathy for you. But how much longer are you going to wallow in this self pitying nonsense ?

You know what ? I wanna look like Julia Roberts, Cindy Crawford and Yasmin Le bon. All beautiful with legs up to their armpits. But you know what. I don't. I'm 5'2'' and look more like sandi tosvig (apparently, it is a MN joke).
You can't change this. So just accept.

I have been diabetic since aged 1. all my life. my pregnancies were fraught with danger, scans every 2 weeks. And like one of the other posters ( InFlames) , who was also a diabetic, the al-naturale birth was never going to be an option for me. I was always going to be wired up.
Its all very well wanting something. But sometimes you need a reality check.

Yesterday, it dawned on me how much my diabetes controls my life. I work and work and work, using a pump and a sensor. And there is literally nothing more than can do for me, other than islet transplant or a pancreas transplant. And yet I feel so fucking ill, with swinging blood sugars, despite all my efforts, and this isn't something new, (I have the best UK consultant) it has been like this for over 2 years. I have chronic fatigue and how I manage at all is beyond belief for all my friends and family. I had my driving licence taken away 2months ago, almost wrongly, due to night-time hypos. And it has been so stressful.
And yesterday I made some comment to dh, about how life wasn't supposed to be like this. And he told me, that this is the bloody way it is.
And once I'd had a sob. I realised that it was true. You need acceptance of not what you want and you unrealistic expectations, but to what your life actually is.And I think it was that realisation, that made me think of you, OP.

So Op, has had severe pain. Prob more so than me. But I get her. But I hope that my harsh reality check, will help you to get this into perspective.
Although my post has been harsh, I hope you realise thta it it sent with the love intended.

Strawhat said :
"Life is full of things that you would have wanted different, and full of things you wouldn't change for the world."

You need, like I did, to have a good sob. then accept, and just get on with it.

There are all sorts of things in life that we just can't change. And getting upset over those things we can't change, IS POINTLESS.
And next time i moan on and on and on about some such thing, feel quite entitled, to give me a good kick up the arse !!

Oblomov, I know what you're saying but the fact is the OP is upset about this and is processing it in the best way for her. That way is through talking which is incredibly reasonable. I saw your thread about losing your license and thought how stressful it must be for you. I think you got plenty of support on that thread didn't you? Some of those people that were supporting you have probably had potentiallymuch worse things happen to them.

Although I think your post was well meaning it was somewhat insensitive. OPs feelings are very common and can contribute towards PND. She's doing her best to process these prior to the birth of her child which may help prevent PND which can be incredibly debilitating. Her post, and the replies may help multiple women with this very common situation.

Oblomov - just wanted to say hope you get some sort of easing of your diabetes-bloody horrid to live with- and hope your DC are all well and healthy. With you the triple exhaustion!

I have been avoiding this thread because I felt like you. And I still do sometimes although it's 4 years since DS was born. But we were both in danger if I had tried to give birth vaginally so I did what what right for both of us. The team were brilliant though and read out loud my birth plan for a CS which really helped me feel in control of the situation (even though I really wasn't).

I think it's absolutely understandable to grieve for missing out on part of the experience. Allow yourself to. But showofhands' post is completely brilliant and she's absolutely right. Try and hang onto that x