To feel very upset that I wont ever know what it feels like to give birth naturally?

[SchrodingersMew]

I've had a horrible couple of weeks. Had problems with fetal movement, hospitalised as they thought I was developing pre eclampsia and now almost unbearable pain due to Hypermobility Syndrome and the weight causing problems with my hips.

From the start I have wanted a very natural birth; only G+A, water birth, skin to skin etc. But was told yesterday while I was in MAU that they don't recommend I birth naturally and also not to go to 40 weeks as it will cause too much damage to my body. So I will be booked for a Csx sometime between 36 and 38 weeks.
They have also referred me to the psych team as they think I will get PND due to not coping with the pain, I don't know if this is also a reason for telling me to go earlier as I am obviously not in a decent state of mind and had a bit of a break down in the hospital yesterday.

I know I should be relieved that I now will have a date and that I will be in less pain but I can't help to feel upset that I wont know what it feels like to experience a vaginal birth. I have been reading all the birth stories on here the past couple of weeks and it has been getting me excited.

I know I am probably being UR and should just be gratefull that everything is being done to make sure me and DS are safe. :(

Sorry if 'the only thing that matters' phrase annoyed you, Trina. I am afraid I did not 'cough and pop' (LOVE that phrase!) Truth is, I should never have been asked to give birth naturally. I had a major accident when i was 19, broken vertebrates in back, and smashed pelvis, and i was in hospital for a long time. I was always told I should never attempt to give birth naturally, and then when I got pg, had lots of MRI scans etc and the final decision was I could try and 'we'll see how far you get'. At the time I was pleased, because of the fore-mentioned fear of spinals.

The birth I am afraid did not go the way I hoped, but DS and I both got out of it okay, thank heavens. I keep telling myself that the only thing that matters is that we are fine...... because that is thankfully true. But there is a bit of me that is just so angry that I was never flagged to be a c-section from the beginning.

We are thinking about maybe trying for another next year, fingers crossed. And I have already started a separate savings account for the Portland, just in case they try and make me have a VB next time. There simply is no way.

Schrodinger, I really promise you.... having medical intervention does not make you less of a woman or less of a mother. :)

Summer - I hope it didn't come across that I thought you had 'coughed and popped' . It's just that that's the srt of person I usually hear that from.

I know there are plenty of women who have had the section and don't mind. (My midwife being one, no help from that quarter at all :() I'd said from the outset with this pregnancy that I almost wished it had been twins or breech or placenta previa: SOME medical reason other than a shitty pelvis that took the decision out of my hands and made it 'not my fault'. As it is, 'my body is just plain crap' is the only reason I need a section this time and needed one last time and I can't get over that. I got over it to a certain extent after DD, but current pregnancy has made it all more raw again.

And noble - no, not at all, sorry. If you have to be carried over the finish line of a race you don't get the medal, because you haven't finished the race. You get the 'prize' (baby) but you don't get the sheer rush of 'breaking the tape' (she says all knowledgably, like I've ever run 100m, let alone 26 miles...)

But Trina, in your case it wasn't a matter of having the winner's tape snatched from your grasp, it was never there for your race. Your race had two routes, one where you died, and one where you lived to raise your baby. You took the winning route. You are a winner of your race.

My family has a history of 'crap' pelvises too. It also has a sad history of women dying in childbirth. But there's another option these days.

YANBU at all :-) I had a planned induction at 38 weeks because of preexisting diabetes. I was there for 38 hours, contracting every 3-5 minutes, and did not get going so ended in EMCS. The spinal caused a few problemsd but did not hurt one bit going in, the problems were in part because it was an EMCS -so shouldn't affect a planned spinal or epidural.

Despite a few problems, the c-sec has nothing but happy (if hazy!) memories, at all. He was handed to me straight away for a few mins before the BM testing (because of diabetes) and was fed antenatally expressed milk while in theatre, the midwife helped latch DS on in recovery and we had skin to skin, and recovery was relatively OK - though rest up lots, unlike me, and watch for any infection - I missed mine completely as tummy numb, thank God midwife checked wound after! I used Lavender and Tea Tree oil in my bath at about 5 days, which was lovely and soothing.

Perinatal psych are, in my expereince, great - I've worked with several teams in my job and they have all been very supportive and very understanding. They won't force you into any options you don't want and are unobtrusive in terms of being supportive rather than controlling. I'm not suprised you're struggling at the moment - it sounds like you're having a very very difficult time.

I wish you ALL the luck in the world with your birth and hope it all goes well
:-)

I also get what you're saying about the medical intervention for seemingly EVERY part of what should be a natural event - with diabetes, I had appts every week, sometimes 2 or 3 times, from 10 days pregnant! I always knew that the birth would be medical, continuous monitoring and limited by IV insulin on a sliding scale - and I didn't care, after 10 years of being told I'd never get pregnant and such high risks during the pregnancy. The only thing that got right on my tits was one very very insensitive friend who kept telling me what a 'terrible shame' it was that I couldn't give birth at home with only a twig to chew on for pain relief (not quite bt you get the drift of it) - at about 36 weeks I had a screaming meltdown at her and she soon shut up :-) (was same friend who told me over and over that I was 'ruining' my birth by finding out the sex at the 20 week scan...then that she was 'very jealous' that I got to have 'all those extra scans' as it 'wasn;t fair and should be offered to all women'...)

You have every right to feel angry or sad or mournful - but the birth is a tiny tiny part of the next ... well lifetime of Motherhood, in my humble opinion :-)

Good luck. Again :-)

I had a vb and really don't remember anything good about it. It is just a blurr afterwards, the only memories I have are bad. I needed quite a lot of medical intervention following it due to damage caused. I dearly wished I'd had a csx. I didn't go into hospital expecting this to happen - that's just it, you don't know how it's going to pan out.

I agree with the poster further up, it's all about what happens after the birth really to me.

Inflames Thanks for the post, your friend sounds like a bitch btw! I've had people tell me not to find out the sex as well and how it will "ruin the surprise" which I don't really agree with as it was a surprise at the scan!

I'm sorry you had such a hard time and very happy you eventually got to have your baby. :) It must have been tiring dealing with the diabetes at the same time and all those appointments. :(

Luckily I have a very flexible job :-) The care I received was excellent which helped, and I also had a shouting match with 1 doc totally unreasonably because of carpal tunnel - I was v v sleep deprived!! But the c-sec was honestly lovely and they are good at still allowing first hug, skin to skin etc. How long have you got to go?

By the looks of it I will be sectioned at 36 weeks as I'm not coping and the pain is becoming unbearable, so just less than 6 weeks! Getting a bit nervous but it really will be a relief!

I've had some problems with Doctors as well, as some don't really understand what HMS is. Gets quite frustrating. But I understand how it feels to be sleep deprived and just wanting to shout at everyone. :o

Btw, is your name after the band?

I suggest you go onto u
YouTube, look for Miley Cyrus and life's a climb, really listen to the words (listen to it in the bath if you can). The song is one of my favourites when I'm feeling down.

My first pg went like a dream but as soon as I stepped into that hospital, it was a nightmare. I only realised it was their fault when I had my son in another hospital 2 years later. I felt like I'd failed. I hadn't failed, DD is the most amazing person I have met (although her brother may take her pole position soon).

It would affect you more if they had to do an emergency csx, emergencies really mess with your head. It is going to worry you whilst you wait for your slot but try to take a radio and a puzzle book or reading book so you are occupied.

I wish I had had a csx with DD so elected for an ecsx for DS, it was too quick (labour lasted a mere 95 mins) but I didn't need to worry.

Every birth is different and so is every pg. Best to go with it. Anyway, your body might take over and go into spontaneous labour early (but not too early we hope).

Yep they're amazing :-) have met all several times and have several IF tattoos :-)

You're on the home straight now! Does pain relief help at all?

Catwoman Thanks. :) And I shall have a listen to that song.

95 minutes is bloody quick!

And hopefully I don't go into labour too early, plus I don't think they could get me to theatre on time if I did. I've been told that I would probably have a rapid birth and I know my Mother with the same problems barely made it to the hospital even though she went by ambulance!

Inflames Yep, less than 6 weeks now, definitely nerve wracking.
And no it doesn't help at all. They have me on 8 co codamol a day and ibuprofen gel and pregabalin and it's just not helping. :(

I haven't seen IF, heard a few songs but they're a bit too guitary for me. My ex loved them though. Personally I like my music a little louder. :o

God you poor thing no wonder your struggling :-(

Louder....hmm Rise to Remain are my current face loud band would def recommend ;-)

I think there is so much pressure on women to "get it right" when it comes to giving birth, that it must be difficult to separate your own, genuine, heartfelt wishes from the expectations of those around you.

I had about the easiest labour and birth that it is possible to have. I was held up at the post-natal NCT meeting as a glowing example of natural birth. Everyone told me how well I had done, as though it was some sort of competition.

The truth is that I got very lucky. I don't didn't do better than someone who had a cs, or an epidural or a long labour. I didn't try harder, or bring more skill to the process or anything lke that. I just had an easy, fast labour to cope with and a baby who was so keen to get out that I barely had any work to do.

However, I still find it very difficult to understand women who say that they enjoyed every minute of their birth. I didn't. It was as easy as it could have been but it still wasn't fun or enjoyable. I felt completely out of control of my own body, just like you do when you are going to throw up. If I could have magicked myself from the moment when labour started to the moment when I held DS, I would quite happily have done so and not regretted a single missed moment in between.

I hope you feel the same way when it is all over and done. The bit that you are going to miss out is the least important bit of the whole thing and not doing it doesn't make you any less clever or brave or stoic or any of the other things that some people attach to natural births.

InFlames Hopefully it will get instantly better once he is here, I'm trying to look towards that! :)
Rise To Remain are brilliant. :) Do you by any chance like Throwdown or Bleeding Through?

KungFu I'm sure I will probably think differently once he is here, I guess it is just because I haven't experienced any of it that I have such high expectations.

I LOVE Bleeding Through :-) looking forward to seeing Rise to Remain in September :-) And will check out Throwdown thanks for the tip

Hi, I've only read the OP so apolgies if I repeat what has been said.

I planned 2 home HypnoBirths and ended up with 2 elective c-sections. Initially I was devastated but I used my HypnoBirthing to have calm relaxed births in Theatre. I still managed to have skin-to-skin in theatre with the cord still attached (my gown back to front for easy access). Take time to consider what might be important for you and write a birth plan and discuss it with your consultant before the date for you ELCS.

There is a small part of me that wishes I had had the full natural experience. I'd like to know how I would have coped. However, the right decision was made given the circumstances.

Good luck and have fun with it.

If you love Bleeding Through you will love Throwdown! I seen them both play together at Download 06, it was magical, got a hug from Brandon a year later too, he is very yummy! :) Except my idiot thoughtless ex when it got to a bit in a Throwdown song where they scream "straight fucking edge" sang along to this bit with his hand in the air forgetting he was smoking... :o

Nosey I think that's what I would like to have known too. And I was planning on trying hypnobirthing as well.

Thanks. :)

YABU to romanticize what is essentially a torture movie with you as the lead character. Aside from the (frankly, incomprehensible) romantic notion that pushing a huge ball out of your vagina makes you a better woman, the only good thing about a vaginal birth is that you get your beautiful baby at the end of it. Which you also get at the end of a CS.

I had one vaginal birth. It was absolute torture that ended with an episiotomy and weeks of more torture as my body tried to put itself back together. Second time around, I delved into hypnobirthing, trying not to panic. This was until I realized that my doctor thought it very likely that I would have another big episiotomy. At this point I lost it and insisted on a CS.

It was the best decision I have ever made. It was calm, quick, peaceful, and my baby was healthy and intact (unlike DD who was born with a cone head and overlapping skull plates). Bonding was instantaneous. Pain was nowhere near as bad as that which followed the VB, and definitely not for as long (stopped even taking paracetamol on 3rd day after CS).

Seriously, take the CS and be grateful that you are offered one.

Cote I've said I fair amount of times through this thread that it's not because I think it will make me a better woman and I do understand how horrific it can be, it was sheerly because I wanted to know the experience and because I wanted something in my life to be less medicalised.

And FWIW I actually think a cs sounds more horrific and torturous, it's just that you can't feel it.

But I have accepted the offer of a cs and I am grateful as it will probably save my future health. :)

Hi Schrodingers, I totally understand how you feel about possibly not experiencing VB - my first was EMCS after a day's labour and I felt very cheated too, but that does pass.

However - I can tell you that I was absolutely terrified of an epidural or spinal. I refused one for over 24 hours despite being induced and only agreed when it looked like a CS was inevitable. Anyway - it wasn't painful at all and took no time to do. It felt more like slight pressure than pain. I would say giving blood hurts more (I hate that too even though it's not bad).

Anyway - of all the things to worry about I promise the epidural / spinal piece will really be OK. Best of luck with everything.

Rolling I don't mind giving blood and don't have a fear of needles but the spinal really is terrifying! However I haven't had anyone yet say that it's really painful so that is making me feel better. :)

And thank you. :)

YANBU at all. I can understand exactly how you feel because I had planned a homebirth with my ds and ended up having a cs at 34 weeks. No labour. The silly thing is that I am a logical and rational woman (and a scientist), and of course I knew that it wasn't my fault and I didn't have a choice between vb and cs, I had a choice between cs and us both being dead. And nobody ever intimated that I had "failed". Yet somehow I still felt like a complete failure and not a "proper mother". Didn't help of course that I had fallen pregnant thinking cs was something that happened to women who weren't really trying hard enough

I was very upset about it for a year, and then it was a niggle for probably another year. But I think as your child gets older, that birth that seemed so very very important when they were little becomes less a part of them as their lives expand. Ds is nearly 5 and has just finished reception. I can honestly say that it doesn't matter to me any more. Because he and I are so much more than a cs. He is a wonderful little boy who is becoming his very own person which has absolutely nothing to do with the first horrendous minutes and weeks of his life, and the further I get from that, the more perspective I can manage.

So you might read all these wonderful comments and know that of course you are not a failure but somehow still not be able to help yourself feeling upset. I really hope you don't, but I know I did! But if you do, then maybe you can make yourself feel a bit better by thinking how those feelings will diminish over time as your very own little person becomes far more than the way they entered the world.

Sorry, I have waffled on for ages , but it's something I feel pretty strongly about!

I think it's knowing what they're doing somehow isn't it - I had seen a video of one in my antenatal classes and it freaked me out. If I didn't know and someone had told me 'I'm just pressing my hand against your back for a minute' I wouldn't have known a difference in the sensations. I also had no side effects from it afterwards (other than pain relief obviously!).