To feel very upset that I wont ever know what it feels like to give birth naturally?

[SchrodingersMew]

I've had a horrible couple of weeks. Had problems with fetal movement, hospitalised as they thought I was developing pre eclampsia and now almost unbearable pain due to Hypermobility Syndrome and the weight causing problems with my hips.

From the start I have wanted a very natural birth; only G+A, water birth, skin to skin etc. But was told yesterday while I was in MAU that they don't recommend I birth naturally and also not to go to 40 weeks as it will cause too much damage to my body. So I will be booked for a Csx sometime between 36 and 38 weeks.
They have also referred me to the psych team as they think I will get PND due to not coping with the pain, I don't know if this is also a reason for telling me to go earlier as I am obviously not in a decent state of mind and had a bit of a break down in the hospital yesterday.

I know I should be relieved that I now will have a date and that I will be in less pain but I can't help to feel upset that I wont know what it feels like to experience a vaginal birth. I have been reading all the birth stories on here the past couple of weeks and it has been getting me excited.

I know I am probably being UR and should just be gratefull that everything is being done to make sure me and DS are safe. :(

I had severe preeclampsia with my first DS and unfortunately as soon as I had been diagnosed they did a doppler and then a scan to confirm that he had died at some point that day. In that case I did have an induction and a normal delivery. I actually found the contractions very painful on their own. I had asked for morphine (since there was now no issue of it affecting the baby) and they only brought it over at the very last minute. My DS was very small at 24 weeks and so did not require much pushing, but I still remember it as very painful. I often wonder if my perception of the pain was worse because of the horrific situation, but suffice to say I can imagine that the last bit of labour and the pushing must be worse pain and the contractions were bad enough. Imagine someone zapping you with some sort of instrument of pain all over your body - and knowing it's going to come every few minutes and get closer and closer together.

I had severe preelampsia again with my second ds and had to go in eventually for an EMCS. It was OK - although thinking back I wasn't exactly pivotal or in control of the process at any time and I did sort of wish they had communicated with me a bit more. It was at 1am and I was 7 months pregnant. He was worked on in the corner for about 20 minutes where I couldn't see anything and then whisked away to the NICU. But he was fine, and I was fine - recovery not too bad.

On the other hand, the best experience of all was my ELCS with my DD. I had no preeclampsia. The anaesthetist was working under a more senior one (I think she was still learning) and despite the spinal taking several goes I remember it as fine. And why was this? Well, I had her visiting me that morning and going over it all with me, noting down my preferences and discussing what would happen. Then, they spoke with me throughout the whole procedure, explaining what they were doing, asking questions about whether things were ok, asking about my preferences etc. DD was put on my tummy as soon as she had been suctioned and given chance to calm down. They asked to weigh her, and then brought her back. It was lovely. We started breastfeeding in recovery room and were wheeled back to the ward triumphant with DD in my arms and DP walking along with us. I would truly recommend it .

The spinal was fine. And I was scared of needles. The warm feeling spreads down your legs and then you go numb - but not tingly numb, just nothing. And the recovery afterwards was fine too.

Hope that helps.

PS. YANBU by the way .

Hi sorry your feeling upset but I have given birth to 3 wonderful children with out ever having a labour pain and it does not make me anyless a mum or their births any less special to me or less enjoyable for them to hear.
I had two cs the first saved my sons life and possible mine as had bad p.e and the placenta was failing he was small but lovely and while i missed having him beside me the first night - as he was in special care I have build up so many other special memories over his life todate that his safely and welbeen(and mine) is the most imporant thing.
The cs was fine other then been asked to bend for the needle not easy with a bump but when I had my 2nd cs with my twin girls they didnt even ask me to bend - not a chance of it.
also on my 2 pregancy I spend weeks in hospitals hearing women in labour - it does not sound fun.
the day you meet your child is the the best ever no matter how they arrive in to your arms vb,cs or adoption - its arriving to that point that matter not how you got their.

by the way a cs is the funnyest feeling in the world you get to feel like your hand bag does when your looking for your keys in it - and how many people get to see their own insides . plus you have a great excuse not to vacum for months.
best of luck and remember it good that your showing your upset its worse if you keep it in

Thanks to everyone again. :)

Strikeuptheband I am so sorry for your loss. :(

Will add though, still very scared of the spinal!

Thistowillpass "you get to feel like your hand bag does when your looking for your keys in it" :o

you should celebrate the fact that you won't experience the most excruciating pain you could ever imagine and won't end up with a vagina full of scar tissue. VB is sooo over-rated! I've experienced both a VB and an elective c-section and my biggest regret is to have had the VB instead of opting for an elective the first time too.

Besides, you can still have the ther things you wanted (skin to skin, etc) and breastfeeding a baby is so much more important than how the baby's come out of you!

Good luck xxx

I answer to your question (from about 4 pages ago, everyone's been busy!) I was booked in for the c-section at 39+1 weeks but started going into labour so ended up having it earlier, DD was born at 38+5.

Hypermobility Syndrome is type 3 Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, there's a paper about it somewhere. If you're not on the HMSA forum it would really be a good idea to join up, lots of helpful advice. pm me if you want anymore info and I'll let you know my username over there, don't want to out myself on mumsnet in case I decide to say something outrageous at some point but am completely out on HMSA forum.

When you're pregnant, the birth seems like such a massive thing, then you have the baby and you realise actually the baby is the important part and its delivery is such a tiny journey compared to the one you'll have with him or her for the rest of your life. Also, you start to learn very early on, even from trying to conceive that there is a great deal you can't control about babies and children, so having expectations as to how everything should go is bound to lead to disappointment, through pregnancy, birth and their life. They have their own agenda, you do your best to shape it! (and get sleep!)

The spinal is not that bad honestly. They give you a little bit of anaesthetic around the area first to numb it, and honestly that sting more than the spinal itself (the EMCS). The second time, she kept numbing the area and testing but I could still feel it sensation. Eventually, the more senior anaesthetist took over and did it very quickly and easily. I forgive her 100% though because she made a lot of effort to follow my wishes and asked me/consulted me throughout. I have always been worried about needles but the spinal was no worse than a blood test and because its purpose was to stop you feeling anything it was over in seconds.

*stung not sting

The minute you meet you child you won't care, I promise. But it may be worth exploring these feelings at some point, I never have...I've had two emcs and two elcs.

I know that you are disappointed but you must take comfort in the positives. You know what's coming, reduction in pain and an ability to enjoy you child, who like you will be healthy.
I had severe hip problems in pregnancy I have RA and we were just about to make the decision as to whether or not to have an elective C section when DS decided to make an early appearance. I went through 3 days of labour culminating in an emergency c section which wasn't a whole lot of fun, and meant that I could hardly walk once I had my baby so really struggled to look after him on my own. ( as I had to use walking stick/support)
He actually turned up the day I was supposed to decide on how I was going to have him. It wasn't going to be a simple decision as I also have RA in my neck so all surgery has increased risk for me and I had to go through x-rays in pregnancy to asses all this.
In future if I can have another DC (subject to a declining health ) I wouldn't get the choice and would be in the position your in. Personally I would take that knowledge of knowing where, how and when and plan on how to make that a positive experience for you, your dp and your child.

Oh meant to say the only thing that helped in my experience which at the time was very frightening was being wheeled in to theatre to be greeted by the sight of DH in pink slightly too small scrubs, he looked ridiculous but they didn't anything else to fit him (busy night and big DH)

Wonky My DP is big, it will give me a laugh if they put him in pink scrubs! :o

I'm starting to feel better about the idea today. :) Last night I picked out his first outfits and packed my hospital bag and it brought me up a bit and I realised everything else will be the same apart from how he will actually be born.

However, I did watch one born every minute USA last night and scared myself a bit watching a cs. :o

Really, don't watch OBEM. I can't stand it.

Also, while a section LOOKS very messy and is major abdominal surgery, it is very routine and really nothing to fear. I posted a run through of what to expect a while back, let me try and find it...

Thanks Trina, that would be really helpful. :)

Aha! Here

I am doing what I rarely do and replying before i read the whole thread. I wanted to address the fear of an epidural/spinal block issue. Like you, I have serious back problems, slipped discs, all sorts of things. I was TERRIFIED of an epi, and the only reason why I even agreed to try and give birth vaginally was because i was scared scared of a spinal injection, and terrified that they would 'slip' and i would be paralysed.

I got an epi after 16 hours. And it was bliss. Okay, I had been in some pain before, but the actual injection itself was a complete breeze. It quite honestly did not hurt. I am not sure about a spinal block, if it is different, but I got first a numbing injection, and then the epi. Easy easy easy. My midwife was lovely, she cradled my head... I actually had said in my birth plan I was terrified of an epi, and they were fantastic. It was truly fine.

As for me, I ended up giving birth naturally, and it was not fun at all. Next time, for sure, it will be a cs. No question.

The birth bit is largely irrelevant, IMO. What matters is how you are with your baby, your toddler, your child, your teenager, your adult. And what matters is how you feel in yourself. You are not failing by being compelled to have a cs, you are making a wise, reasoned choice based on the reality you find yourself in. That is the first bit of being a truly GREAT mother.

:) Good luck!

But the trouble is Summer that I didn't make the choice. I had the choice made for me. Someone else asked further up why women are made to feel like failures: we're not, no-one's ever MADE me feel this way.

But the fact of the matter is that my body has failed to do what the majority of women's bodies manage to do, what women's bodies are supposed to be able to do. It could be worse - I might not be able to have children at all, and I'm sure that would be more devastating. As it is, I can have children, I just can't physically bring them into this world and that hurts me.

I imagine that it is hard not to feel like a failure if you are sold the perfect drug-free waterbirth and spend your pregnancy planning it like you might plan a wedding - as if it is something you might have control over.

As for being something that women's bodies are supposed to be able to do - without proper maternity care in some parts of the world up to 1 in 7 women die in pregnancy and childbirth. Accepting a bit of medical help is nothing to be ashamed of.

No, Trina i was talking to the OP, as she is going ahead with medical advice about how her birth should be... accepting medical advice is exercising choice too. TBH, I think the relentless pressure on women to 'do' birth 'right' is horrendous. I spent a very great deal of my early career working in maternal health in developing countries, as it happens, and I have seen what can happen when women just do not have access to adequate medical care. We are so lucky in this country. Before I got pg, I was very firm on the idea that you would not have your wisdom teeth out without serious medical inetrvention, why give birth without it, but I also then got sucked into the whole concept that if I did not give birth 'naturally' without drugs (which affect your baby blah blah) that I had 'failed'. I think there is a grave disservice done to women in this country that tells you that you can have the (natural, no drug) birth you want, if you only want it enough .

My real point was - and I am sorry if it offended you the way I expressed it - is that the ONLY important thing about the birth is that mother and baby come through it safely.

I likened it to running a marathon knowing that you're going to break the tape at the end: only to get within reaching distance of that tape and having someone pick you up and put you on the other side of it. You feel cheated and it's not something you can ever get back. Brilliant for you if you felt relief when yours was offered: but to labour for 70 hours and NOT give birth at the end of it was devastating for me.

My feelings of failure and unhappiness came from me. Nobody has ever criticised, pressured or derided me for what happened.

Which is why I will always reassure a woman that it's okay to feel this way. It's a natural reaction that comes from us and therefore it's something you deal with as valid and painful.

Of course there is some discussion to be had about the way some quarters 'promote' natural childbirth or deride intervention but for many, many women, it's a shock to feel this way, precisely because it seems not to be founded on anything external to the woman.

Sorry Summer cross-post response, was responding to noble

I had not dedicated my pregnancy to the notion of drug-free etc, I was quite happy to take what was offered if it was necessary. At the same time however, I knew that my mum and her mum had both needed sections due to crap pelvises and was desperate not to be third generation. As it is, it turns out I probably have a crap pelvis too - and that gives me extra guilt that my DD will have to go through all this bollocks too if she chooses to have children.

As for 'wanting it enough' (which I know is not your belief!) - I would have had the smoothest birth imaginable as NO-ONE wanted this more than me!

It doesn't offend me: but 'the only thing that matters' etc phrase pisses me off because it's usually being spouted at me by women who coughed a few times at home and popped out a baby and have NO idea. These are usually also the women who think a section is the easy way out...

Trina - in your case surely it is not like running a marathon only to be lifted over the finishing line at the last minute and cheated of victory. If you have a 'crap' pelvis, isn't it more like instead of dropping dead just before the finishing line being gently helped over the finishing line and winning a prize that you still deserve? One for running the marathon, because you still got to the end.

Trina Thank you very much for posting that link.

And I know how you and ShowofHands feel.

I think most of my problems come from feeling like everything else in my life is medicalised. I have been on lots of pain meds since about 11, pain clinics, physio, rheumatology. Everything has had to have medical intervention.

I guess I was just determined that this would be the one think I would try and do the way my body should have had been built to do it.

Right now though I think I am getting to the point of depression with the pain where I just want it over with. :(