To think some people choose parenting as a hobby?

[MumblingRagDoll]

What I mean is those people who seem to make a "thing" about it all....talking about their parenting choices as though they're inventing a new philosophy....such "Baby Wearing" and "Unonditional Parenting" and so on....I mean ifyou wat to use a sling do it...I did...but it''s not a special way of parenting ffs....they seems to grab onto fads and fashions regarding DC and then live it as a religion.

These people will blog about their lives in minute detail...and just....I don't know... really LIVE the choices. I don't know why it irritates me it just does. I have friends who have DC the same age as my elder child (7) and they're still talking about the birth as if it was yesterday and still living their lives totally through their kids...no hobbies or interests apart from the kids...so taking little Sophie to ballet, ridng, drama. playdates is the be al and end all of their life.

There's nothing wrong of course with being interested in your DC....of course not....I am consumed by my DC in a normal way....but the way some people "get into it" as if they were a teenager obsessed with a rockstar or something.... I find it odd and detrimental to other relationships...my sister and one of my friends is like this....I wonder wht will happen to them when the children get older and begin to lve their own lives.

I unfortunately know a few people like this.

One of them has to go to every parent/toddler group going, and if she doesn't make it she has a mini meltdown. Her DS had his first birthday a few weekends ago, they hired a hall, read poems, only had fresh fruit and hummous for food.

A great time was had by all

Then yesterday, we got a 'thankyou' card through the post with his pictures plastered all over it.

DH thinks I'm a bitter old cow when I comment on it, but you've explained it Mumbling much better than I ever could.

why does what anyone else does bother you at all? these people are doing what they think is best. unless their kids are being abused or neglected, who cares?

i have friends who take their children to all sorts of classes; baby signing, music, dancing etc. I don't. I don't feel guilty, or need to sneer at them for doing so - they have their reasons, i have mine, and i am not going to have to live with the outcome of their choices, nor they mine.

some of the vitriol is a bit alarming, why do some of you care so much? there are some people who i think are dicks, and who i avoid as a result but i don't obsess about it, or think my dislike means any great grand things about me.

Meant to say i also don't secretly think my friends are wrong and i am right, or look down on them for doing things differently to me.

My Dad always made a big thing about how my Mum's decision to take a career break until my sister and I were both at school was the main reason why we are both intelligent individuals who did well at school. For years I was convinced this was the only way to raise children.

After having my own DD and being bored to tears by trying to be the perfect mum, I realised what a load of bullsh*t this was. DD is a very intelligent girl by nature - it's genetic . Of course I can help her along the way, but the main advantages we give her are socio-economic, accompanied by emotional support. And I can't give her the emotional support I need if I'm bored/unhappy because I have no life outside of her.

IMHO, I think in the UK we've moved from a Dad-centred approach to family (1950s and earlier/60s/70s/80s - what Dad says goes, children seen and not heard) to a child-centred approach more recently (little emperors). And neither is "right". Mum-centred is also not right. We need to try to reach a balance where all members of the family have their needs at least partly answered, and each family needs to find this balance for themselves. And Mum needs to be included in this!

I admire mums and dads who can devote themselves to their kids in this way. But it's not for me!

chibi Because I don't want it rubbed in my face. I'm sick to death of hearing about every single thing he's done/eaten/whatever. What a great time was had at the various classes, how she didn't get PND but I did, how she doesn't give PFB sweets or orange squash but I do. How they have much more money than us and can take PFB on various edcational trips/holidays. (He's one BTW)

It makes me feel like shit because I don't do the same. I'm just thankful that I'm not the only one to experience it.

Hmm, YANBU I think. DH and I have quite firm (thankfully pretty much identical) views on particular issues, but we've never really given them labels. As a shorthand I'd perhaps say that we "sort-of-BLWed" DC2 but that only means we gave him more finger food as we couldn't be arsed to mash anything. Our ideology doesn't really fit with any particular existing one, there's no book or guru who sums up everything we believe in. We've read a lot though, and just pick and choose the stuff we agree with.

I was high risk for being a "live through your child" parent. I have now come to terms with the fact that I had DD for totally selfish reasons - we both did, really. We both had been through abuse, self harm etc, we'd found each other and we just - although we didn't see it that way - wanted to make things better by bringing up a child properly, with the love that DH particularly didn't have (his abuse was extreme, by his mother), to create something wonderful together and prove that we could be loving parents. I accept that now and while I realise that it was not the best reason for having a baby, I do not regret it at all (obviously!).

So I could've easily become one of those parents. I certainly didn't want to go to the other extreme. My parents basically had me because they were mid 30s (quite old then) and they never treated me as a child, I was just expected to fit in with them, I never got to play with them or really be a child, and the one person who did play silly games, take me out to theme parks, cinema etc and who actually thought about my interests - my uncle - was also my abuser when I was little. I actually miss him, he was more like a parent in some ways, fucked up isn't it.

Anyway, I'm glad I've not slipped into the overly devoted mum role. Since having our DCs I've actually become more Myself than I've ever been - studying, hobbies, lots of volunteer projects (some parenting-related, some not) and now my new job have all helped with that. TBH I think anyone who defines themselves by one thing, whatever that is, is really missing out. I would for example feel sorry for anyone who throws absolutely everything into their career and has no time for anything else at all. It can't be healthy to be so one-dimensional.

Waffle over, sorry :o

So avoid her. Life is too short to spend time with people who make you feel crappy.

besides, if you think she is full of it, why do her choices make you feel bad? If think that educational trips at 1 are pointless, why feel bad that you don't do them?

I think that it bothers people because it is never done quietly!

SpareRoomSleeeper - My DD is Super Brilliant x 1000 and I had her at 16 in a bus stop. Ok. You sound like a total bore.

Exotic - you have hit the nail on the head.

A lot of the terms (BLW/EBF/AP etc) is just internet shorthand though, I haven't heard terms like that used among my friends in real life

Consider yourself blessed.

At this point I only have to be in ear shot of somebody talking about "Taking Children Seriously" etc. etc. and I break into a sprint.

Although I wouldn't call the RL self labellers friends, more like people I am prepared to steps to avoid. And where I live they seem to be tightly packed into a voluntary social ghetto of "single common interest", so easy enough to stay away from. Especially if you change your phone number. (not on purpose, had to, but it REALLY helped)

I think the phenomenon that the OP refers to could (sometimes?) occur because..

Somebody is attracted to a theory

It goes at least a bit against the mainstream grain so they feel criticized all the time which puts them on the defensive

The equation they have bought into can require a massive leap of faith so talking it up eases the concern that it might not go\is going\has gone as well as planned

Due to all the above, they seek others doing similar and as a group can work themselves up into a self congratulatory frenzy as a defense against the naysayers.

I think it is probably in the main something connected to little kids and the intensity of mothering at that end of the marathon. The ones with older kids seem proportionally very thin on the ground.

"self-congratulatory frenzy" - yep, SRS has got that going on. In a "super" sized way.

SRS ?

That is a new one on me, what does it stand for ?

Spare Room Sleeper, see upthread for gushing recitals of her parenting feats.

Really really not kind.

Also kind of thick if you managed to read srs's post and think that is what she was saying.

do you think it is some kind of personality disorder that makes you crow about your self presumed superiority, changing or do you think maybe you're just a dick? perhaps quilting will bring you peace.

I really don't understand what SpareRoomSleeper said that you find so offensive? She thinks her daughter is lovely, is proud of her and hopes that her parenting contributed to that?

Really, what is wrong with that Surely we all hope that the things we do as parents have a positive impact on our children or why do we bother?

I don't understand why the only acceptable thing to do as a parent is deny any responsibility at all in how our children turn out. Makes you sound like the mums of asbo kids in trashy magazines - "oh, it's nothing to do with me that's just how he was born".

Only the other day I said something outside pre school, can't remember what it was a funny short anecdote or something...the response was "well the approach we take is blah blah because we believe....." Funnily enough their child was a brat.

But if SpareRoomSleeper had not the most stellar up-bringing and she has managed not let history repeat itself, why shouldn't she feel happy and proud of herself that she hasn't reverted to what she knows but rather found another, better way to bring up her daughter?

I don't know SRS personally, or what her childhood actually entailed, but if say her mum smacked her for every little thing, or her dad force fed her if she didn't clear her plate (or whatever they did) and she has managed to not do that with her child, that is to be applauded.

There is too much generational parenting in families (grandma was abusive to her children, mum was abusive to her children, daughter is abusive to her children, her children are going to be abusive to their children, and so it goes on) so breaking the cycle is a great thing.

Even so, SRS didn't give her parenting as why her daughter is the way she is but hope that it has in some way aided her daughter to be who she is now.

Im not denying my responsibility or input to my childrens lives Rita. But neither do I think anyone else finds it enthralling content. I am HUGELY proud of my DD's stunning good looks (unfortunately she doesnt get them from me), kind character, oscar winning smile and the fact that she was top of her Reception class for literacy and numeracy scores. But I dont feel it is a direct result of my ability to "parent" - I think a stable upbringing has contributed, but I am comfortable in the notion that she is a star in her own right and not one parenting book in the land, not one sling, not one comparison to another parent's methods would have changed that. In my opinion.

Thanks for the quilting suggestion, I will look into it.

So why are you being such a cow to SRS then Changing? Still not clear on what offended you so much.

Its not SRS who has offended me, just the strident adherence to the mantra of modern parenting - there are lots of other posters who are the same, she just happened to post a snap shot of that the OP was talknig about.

But of course, she is a victim of a bad childhood, and I am just a nasty cow for having an adverse opinion.

Makes you sound like the mums of asbo kids in trashy magazines - "oh, it's nothing to do with me that's just how he was born".

You calling me an trashy mag mum ?

I don't think my son's (very good) behavior has an awful lot to do with us as parents. To some degree yes, we have encouraged the bits we like best and objected to the less wonderful bits. But I think the odds are that no matter what we have done\do he would still be virtually a clone of my sister. Personality\character wise I mean.

He just came out that way.

I'd love to take credit, but I just don't think it would be a massively honest thing to do.

And probably not good for me.

There are sure to be parenting challenges up ahead as he enters his tweens. I don't think over estimating my impact thus far will stand me in good stead for (arguably) the more difficult bits to come.

But I think the odds are that no matter what we have done\do

NB that realtes to anything we do that fits on the spectrum of "perfectly reasonable parenting choices"

Obviously if we change stratagy and provide a choatic homelife and start to neglect him or abuse him.... all bets are off.

Fastweb - try a sling. When times get rough.

ThePosie That's what my sister does to me....I can''t even say something like "DD just tried to say Mummy" because it willturn into a lecture.

MrsBloomngTroll your theories are fascinating....I was thinking of the Little Emperor syndrome too.....I never compared it to the 50s "Dad centered" family though....but you are right....its like the Kids rule.

Of course they SHOULD to some extent...they must come first in many things...but there's a tendency to be precious to the point of weird about not upsetting the DC.

Case in point....a thread on here where a Mum wanted to change her 6 year old''s school for very valid reasons imo...all these posters accused her of selfishly damaging her child who apparently would never get over the "disruption" and would resent this change and remember it for ever.

What will these Littel Emperors turn out like as adults?