To chuffing LOVE that on certain threads people always say stuff like

[Dogsby]

" what starter shall i have" - anti pasto

and any sodding thread on madeleine maccann some sour mouthed tosser puts " ooh no one calls her maddie in hter family" like it really MATTERS fgs.

what predicatable posts make you nuts?

"Disney films are evil, they will turn our children into vile, chauvinistic racists Did you know walt Disney himself hated Jews? They should all be banned and Disney World razed to the ground!"

OR Awordinedgeways:

"My dh is always wanting sex. I cant believe he wants it so often"

Several replies of:

"Leave the misogynist sex addict now! How very dare he!"

Then:

"My dw is always wanting sex. I can't believe she wants it so often."

Several replies of:

"You mean spirited bastard. How can you make her feel so undesirable? If you carry on turning her away she will go elsewhere and quite rightly so".

"It's not a meal unless it's got meat in".

Oh, dear lord. Yes it is. You've just being self-indulgent. Challenge yourself: go into the supermarket, and buy some cereal and have that instead, tomorrow.

OP: My DH has had a an affair

Response: How dare he. leave him the cruel bastard.

OP: My DW has had an affair

Response: look, I'm not condoning it, but have you thought about how you may have driven her to it? It's usually a sign of a relationship in a bad way

When people make misery comparative. Drives me MAD. Example: poster said that she was worried that she might have a girl as her DH and entire family want a boy and how to work with that.

Cue a billion posters telling her to be bloody grateful that she's getting a healthy baby and she should fuck right off and how dare she be a mum because they lost their child/was born disabled etc. "you don't know what it's like to not have a baby so you don't have the right to complain".

No, she DOES have a right, we all have a right to worry about the things that are worrying to us/making us unhappy.

If you really want to get into comparative misery, I just read about a Guatemalan woman who was repeatedly raped in a military fort for 15 days, then chucked out with her 8 kids because he couldn't deal with the fact she'd been raped. 7 of her children died of starvation. So therefore you can't be sad about your stillborn baby because it wasn't as bad as her story.

Which is obviously Ridiculous.

GRRRR

I'll second people and their bloody Duracell chickens.

Sunday Roast chicken
Monday roast chicken with couscous
Tuesday Chicken salad
Wednesday Chicken pie
Thursday Chicken risotto
Friday chicken stirfry
Saturday chicken sandwiches
Sunday Chicken soup
Monday stock to freeze
Tuesday We passed the sodden carcass around the table and inhaled it.

I think they just can't accept that it's gone.That's it no longer a part of their lives,it's moved on but they can't.

Anyone else finding it difficult to take any other AIBU thread seriously this morning? They all seem like pastiches of this one :)

Rock -

Shall I get a tumble drier?

Think of the environment, sense of entitlement, there won't be a world left for our children, ruinous waste of resources.

But where shall I dry my sheets? I live in a small flat with no garden.

Hang them on the doors. That is what we do. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't like your house looking like a laundry? Well you are a stuck up snob. Just don't change your sheets so often. Do you think you may have OCD?

Does anyone have a recipe for tuna pasta bake?

ALL PILE ON THE PHILISTINE WHO EATS HOT TUNA WITH COLMANS SAUCE PACKET

Shall I pierce my 7 year old daughter ears?

99 posters holler and shout.
3 people wring their hands and talk about cultural differences in Spain.

"Why didn't you discuss this before you got married/had children?"

(I think that all the bloody time actually)

I think the Duracell chickens (great phrase!) are like dwarf bread in Terry Pratchett'ls Discworld series. That's why they last so long!

After a long OP from a poster who appears quite distressed about something "your post was so long OP, that I didn't even make it to the end "

or

OP - my baby has a tash, I'm really worried it might be meningitis

smug pedant - oh, OP you did make me lol at the thought of your baby having a moustache!

The tumble dryer threads are always fun.

256 mumsnetters rant about hatred for Peter Andre.

Some numbnut comes along and says 'omg you are so mean I cannot believe you would think that about him, he is so lovely and alwasy talks about how much he loves his kids'

yes mate, that's why we hate him.

OP: my childless friend told me I shouldn't let my four year old kick me for chocolate. AIBU to think she doesn't know what's she talking about?

Lots of posters: yeah, no-one really understand, until they've had one of their own.

OP: great! Do you know, the uop herself cow had the cheek to say bringing up all 5 of her younger siblings, her phd in Child Psychology, and her job as a special needs nanny gave her insight in to children!

The heating threads are equally entertaining.

Am I the only one who hasn't turned her heating on yet?

It's January,it's -30,the family of polar bears that moved into our garden shed,are dining on the frozen remains of our postman, and I'm discovering just how far my nipples can stretch from the weight of the icicles hanging from them,but really I don't see the need to put the heating on yet.

We've plenty of jumpers and cardigans,admittedly my three year old is wearing so many layers that she falls over every time she tries to move,but then the lack of movement helps to conserve her energy,so I think we can hold out a bit longer.

Any other stalwarts out there?

Several posts later...

OP again,sorry for the late reply.My seven year old wanted a word,said he's just going outside and may be some time. He's so precious.

The ones where the OP is fuming about her DC getting the blame for everything at school. She usually magnanimously admits somewhere in the seventh paragraph that he is "no angel himself lol" but is sure the teacher is incompetent and can't manage him because he is so intelligent and creative.

Percentage of posts suggesting writing to governors, changing schools, home educating, researching hitman for teacher: 100

Percentage of posts suggesting that teacher is likely to be very experienced with managing intelligent and creative children, indeed probably longs for them in her class, and it is almost certain that the OP's DC is simply a pain in the nuts - 0

....Percentage of posts suggesting that teacher is likely to be very experienced with managing intelligent and creative children, indeed probably longs for them in her class, and it is almost certain that the OP's DC is simply a pain in the nuts - 1

Cue MN Harpies ganging up on poor poster for daring to suggest PDC is not P, and continual drip feed of (non statemented) cocktail of "ishoos" that Teacher isnot taking into consideration.

Blaming any random spelling mistake on being on Iphone/anyother stupidly expensive phone.

Read your post before posting, turn preditive texting off and stop showing off.

"It's January,it's -30,the family of polar bears that moved into our garden shed,are dining on the frozen remains of our postman, and I'm discovering just how far my nipples can stretch from the weight of the icicles hanging from them,but really I don't see the need to put the heating on yet"

Just redecorated my screen with tea, thanks for that!

I've never totally got to grips with the 'my child is choking on a grape, has gone blue and is not breathing - should I call an ambulance?' threads. Perhaps I may be in the minority here, but if my child was choking I sure as hell wouldn't be sat at my laptop....

Balloon I did once suggest that an OP's DC might possibly be just a bit of a pain in the arse, but apparently that wasn't the right thing to say. Like I give a fuck My DD3 was bitten by a child I'd like to hang the other day, among MANY other things that this revolting child has done to her and the mother simply shrugged and said 'well, that's just what children do' - I think I might have used some choice wordage in my reply....

x-post whatme! I was that poster slain by said harpies for daring to suggest such a thing!

kenobi as well as comparative misery, 'that can actually happen in RL so it isn't remotely funny catsbumface' misery.

EG "AIBU to tell my mother hands off cos he's mine and I love him and want to do him frequently and well"

"OMG OP you are soooooo BU because my mother got really drunk at Christmas and tried to snog my ex-BF, real stuff happens in real life and I can't believe you'd find that funny...'