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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 26/07/2011 16:30

Ha! Curry...just you wait. I was like a spring chicken 2 years ago Grin

I don't know why I feel so crap. I just put it down to the meno kicking like a bastard.

Fennel · 26/07/2011 16:31

My children finished school barely an hour ago and already I have had enough precious moments to last a good long while. A little of dd2 can go a long way.

Ormirian · 26/07/2011 16:34

I just experienced a precious moment down the phone. DH rang me at work to ask what I 'have for wasp stings', with DS2 roaring loudly in the background. FFS! What would I have for wasp stings? Wasps I suppose Confused I had some vague recollection that you are supposed to pee on them but DH said that was stupid. So I suggested vinegar?? Is that right?

That was one precious moment best enjoyed from a distance.

Flowerista · 26/07/2011 16:35

Right up to the middle of your first paragraph I was agreeing with you - although I would have had love at the start of my list. Then as usual the old "I'm doing it best" slant had to come in. Maybe we should drop the SAH and WOTH bits and just be MUMS.

Surely we can all agree that we're that and we're trying to do our best, whatever the circumstances, to do the trickiest job ever and that maybe a bit more support for each other rather than a snidy I'm the best because approach might be a lot more bloody helpful.

And breathe!!

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 16:35

Roll on 5th September - am currently masquerading as a SAHM due to maternity leave.

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 16:36

For future reference Orm, waspese spray kills the pain from a wasp sting stone dead. Vinegar is either exactly right or completely wrong, can't remember which.

georgie22 · 26/07/2011 16:36

Your post is a back-handed dig at women who have to work. Many women would choose to be at home but in reality don't have that choice. Good for you -have a pat on the back for being so selfless.

Many women choose to work and that's their choice. I do need to go back to work, although part-time hours with dh, grandparents and a childminder each looking after dd one day a week. To be honest even if it was a choice for me I would still choose to work part-time as I honestly feel I'll be a better parent for having some 'me' time.

spectacular · 26/07/2011 16:37

The OP on this thread sums up all that is wrong with parenting today, imo!

Children who are seen as 'projects', who exist as entertainment for their parents and whose lives will be lived in the constant shadow of a hovering parent who will be waiting anxiously for the next exciting development. Arrggghh!

If anyone expected me to be that type of parent, I would have run for the hills many years ago!

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 16:37

Ooh, just googled and got this. Vinegar correct apparently.

Ormirian · 26/07/2011 16:40

Hurray! Do I get a mummy-star?

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 16:44

It's pretty impressive remote mothering I have to say.

motherinferior · 26/07/2011 16:44

Isn't it jellyfish you pee on? Or was that just in, er, Friends?

I am 48, btw. Am feeling more spritely today but probably just because am turning into Mad Old Bat.

TandB · 26/07/2011 16:46

Filly, I would so be on for selfridges but I think I might be pushing my luck to go from Battersea to office in Brixton via selfridges!

minipie · 26/07/2011 16:46

Aw Orm. Your child's first wasp sting.

Ormirian · 26/07/2011 16:48

I'm not a SAHM. DH is playing SAHD atm cos he's a teacher.

It was precious. Very precious. From a safe distance. But not his first. He's 8. He suffers much more with pain than most people. Poor lamb. Hence the roaring.

stillstanding · 26/07/2011 16:53

You never, ever pee on on jellyfish. That would be just rude.

(i think you pee on bluebottle stings tho)

DuelingFanjo · 26/07/2011 16:53

yabu.

Fillybuster · 26/07/2011 16:56

shame. looks like I will have to spend, spend, spend on behalf of all those WOTH mums who cant be arsed are too busy to get down the shops. Honestly, what do you think you're doing all day, if not revelling in the preciousness of wiping away little Jimmy's blood, snot and tears? Shock

HeavyHeidi · 26/07/2011 17:05

I just imagined if my own mum thought that I was terribly precious, the meaning of her life and she wanted to live all those special moments with me.

Had to breathe in a paper bag. Gah. I'll probably have nightmares now, thanks very much. (Mum is great, but mostly because she has always had her own life too).

Chestnutx3 · 26/07/2011 17:17

I'm a great believer in women choosing what is best for their family and their circumstances. My mother went back to work once I started school, I loathed going to the childminder and its not anything that was awful there except with my brother there were 3 boys and I was the only girl. I really really hated it. The childminder really was lovely to me and treated me like the daughter but I just wanted to go home after school with my mother. It has influenced my choices alot. However my DD will probably want to go to work once her own child is 3 months old after my crap parenting Grin.

InMyPrime · 26/07/2011 17:18

Oh God, not this WOHP vs SAHP old hat again! AIBU to think that people should just make their personal choices, if they even have a choice to make, be happy with that and then shut up about it????

stillstanding · 26/07/2011 18:50

precious moments for precious gems ..... sooooo many decisions to make

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 19:04

lol,prime some topics are mn perennials work,feeding,nursery,mil. these topics are done to death because they resonate with most of us, and there are many individual permutations

unless youre invoking the cliquey oldies of yore maxim "we done that already". which be applied to most mn topics. and face it if mn didnt revisit the ole perennials there would be nowt to ague about

and no amount of play nicely, hug the tree, respect other goddesses opinions with make those topics less contentious

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 19:20

Wow this thread ballooned when I was out. I'll try to address some of the points made but obviously I won't be able to cover them all.

I realise now what a sensitive issue this is and I'm sorry to anyone I offended, that wasn't my intention. I wasn't trying to make out I'm better than anyone else, in fact, I don't feel that way at all. The point I was trying to make is that I choose to be a SAHM as I am able to make that choice, and I make that choice for myself, for the reasons I gave, not because I think it makes me a better parent or makes my son a better person. People seem to think I'm making out that WOHPs are lacking somehow - I don't think that at all. I thinkif you have a choice to be SAHM (and I'm aware that not everyone has that choice) but you don't want it, then don't do it as, I believe anyway, that it'll make very little difference to your children and there's no point in putting yourself through misery to fulfill some "ideal" when the only person who is really going to suffer/benefit is you.

I don't appreciate being called names and think name-calling is the worst aspect of MN. If you don't like what I say, address it or ignore it. Calling someone names doesn't achieve anything IMO.

I understand what people are saying about it being difficult to resurrect a career. In fact I didn't have much of a career before I had my DS as I had very little interest in it. I was a teacher, and a good one (or so I was told) but my heart wasn't really in it as I just wanted to have kids. Doing something you don't enjoy or particularly want to do, even if you are good at it, is a bit soul destroying. I am happier now that I have the job that I want. When the time comes to go back to work (probably when DS and any others that come along are in school) I will likely look for a job rather than a career as such. I may not be successful but there's no point in sacrificing the present for a future that may or may not happen.

I don't see why some posters have said I don't take parenting seriously - that seems an odd comment and I'd like to know why some people feel that way?

Other posters have also commented that I'm probably smothering my child and talk only about him. In fact when I'm out with other mums I seem to be the one who talks least about my son, I don't particularly want to talk about him, I have other things to talk about. In fact a few other mums have commented how they prefer to be with me one on one rather than the NCT group as I'm one of the few who actually doesn't go on and on about baby stuff all the time. It's my job, and I enjoy it but I don't want to talk about it when I'm supposed to be relaxing!

As for setting a bad example, I don't get that at all. I don't think children blindly follow just what their parents do - they're influenced by wider society and the world around them. I'm not going to cloister my son away and indoctrinate him into believing women can only be SAHMs - he'll see that's one choice any parent can make along with a world of other choices. My own mother was a WOHM, and I've made a different choice than her. Children do that all the time.

I don't see my child as a project. I see him as a person that I spend time with. I'm there for the developments of his life and I share in them with him but I also have other interests - I'm in a choir, I'm writing a novel, I play volleyball. I don't kid myself that I can make him into anything, I just choose to be the one to look after him during the week instead of someone else doing it instead. I don't see how I'm not allowed to enjoy his achievements while a CM who might get the same enjoyment from him is allowed. A CM who really enjoys her job would be seen as a godsend, someone you'd love to leave your children with. But apparently a SAHM who loves her job is over-involved and sad. Strange that.

OP posts:
knittedbreast · 26/07/2011 19:26

ok i must really have read soemthing different.

to me the message here wasnt i can afford to stay home it was that mum is benefiting from this extrodinary experience that we usally do in the name of the child. thinking about it from this angle rather than the childs point of view.

i agree, we are all privaliged to have a part of or childrens live, be it all day or before and after school