My five year old was abandoned at an organised party

[KattyB]

My husband took our five year old boy to a birthday party for two of his school friends in the local sports hall yesterday and when he came back to collect him, (five minutes late) all of his friends and their parents had left. There was another party going on afterwards, but my child was, well, abandoned. Not only that, but he actually managed to get outside the hall and was ?waiting for daddy? in the car park.

To say that I am angry is a little bit of an understatement and what could have happened doesn?t bear thinking about.

Don?t know the mums at all well and don?t have their phone numbers ?. Should I 'throw the book' at the venue???? What would you do?

If the parents organising the party knew that the OP's son had been left and did not have a parent with them, then they were, as piglet says, in loco parentis. They were responsible for his safety and wellbeing whilst he was at the party, and part of that is ensuring that he is collected by the correct person at the end of the party. If there had been some sort of emergency during the party, it would have been the party parents who were responsible for making sure all the children attending the party were safe.

When I was hosting parties like this, I had a list of all the children I was expecting, and marked them off when they arrived, so I knew who was there. I also made sure I didn't hand over a party bag until the child's parent was with them at the end of the party, that way I knew they were leaving with the right person. There is no way I would have driven off if I knew a child had not been collected.

I do have to wonder, though, whether the OP's dp got the end time of the party wrong - maybe it was half a hour earlier than he thought, so whilst he thought he was only 6 minutes late, in fact he was 36 minutes late - which would explain how all the other children had been collected, and the party parents were leaving when he arrived.

But nothing justifies them driving off leaving a 5 year old, for whom they were responsible, alone in a car park, or even in a sports hall.

The only way they wouldn't be responsible would be if they didn't know that the OP's son was unattended at the party - ie if they thought his dad was there with him. This could happen if the OP's dp hadn't handed the child over properly to one of the party parents.

Perhaps they thought the lad had been collected by a parent - and they might be utterly horrified to realise they'd left an unattended 5 year old to wander a sports hall and its car park.

OP - in your first post you say your DH took your son to the party. Later you say you did and specifically asked the two hosting mums if OK to leave son.

Sorry, I wasn't clear, I actually asked the mums a few days ago whether a parent should attend, and they said no.

For all those saying the five minute late bit is implausible, at the sports venues around here they do back-to-back parties and it would be entirely plausible. All the clearing up, etc, happens in the last half hour (kids play, adults clear).

Also though, there are lots of 90 minute parties. Could you/your DH assumed it was a two hour party when it was a 90 minute one?

I'm confused. Did you ask about the arrangements in advance and then send ds with your dh to the party or did you drop off and your dh collect?

Big difference, imho, between asking in advance about arrangements and then confirming them at drop off for the party. You are asking a lot to expect the party host to remember a conversation some days earlier about the does and don'ts for the party.

I also don't understand if your dh was going to be late collecting he didn't bother to call the host to let them know. It may be that the host has never met your dh and therefore wouldn't necessarily know your ds hadn't been collected. Does sound to me as if there wasn't a hand over at drop off and the problem stemmed from there. Not very good on both parts but if I were you I would be either staying with ds at parties or making sure that you take and do a proper hand over.

Cross post again. Saying a few days ago that a parent needn't stay isn't the same thing as ensuring the host knew your dh (did the host know him?) wasn't staying.

The child's Dad being late whilst inconvenient, has nothing to to do with the issue. The party hosts didn't wait for a little 5 year old to be collected. I'd be sick if I went to collect dd and found her wandering alone. You need to contact the venue to complain and let the party hosts know what circumstances you found your little boy in.

The biggest reason for contacting both the venue and the parents is so it doesn't happen to anyone elses DC.

yes lockets....i have to say,something here doesnt quite add up to me!!

I have to say that in all my years as a parent I have never known every child to be picked up so early that the party hosts could actually be packed up and left 6 minutes after the party ended.

And they would have had to have been picked up early too...not just on time.

I think all of you who are saying he must have been more than 5 late are completely missing the point. It doesn't matter how late he was, the party hosts took responsibility when they said a parent didn't need to stay. What if your dh had had an a accident or was stuck in traffic or has even got the times wrong, they should never have left alone. I never leave my 5 year old but most parties this year I am certainly in the minority so leaving a 5 year old is not uncommon

I would be furious.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'd be furious too (not that I would have left my 5yr old no matter what the parent said)

It's just the whole 6 minute thing doesn't ring true

But as you say, that's no reason to leave a 5yr old in a car park

It's for that reason, I do think there was a terrible mistake/misunderstanding

Whatever crossed wires there were, even if the child's parents had totally forgotten for three hours, it makes no difference to the basic requirements if human decency, which ever way you possibly look at it, that a child (even much older than 5) shouldn't be left alone in a car park. I think that even my 10 year old would be worried if she didn't know where we were or when we were supposed to be coming if she couldn't call us, let alone my five year old, who would probably be traumatised. Unless the child snuck out un noticed I can't even begin to imagine how any other parent would just abandon him unattended. It's too wierd. If it really is true they are worse than heartless.

why didnt he call host when running late?
how well does he know the host parents?
sorry but bit slack not have contact details.imo,the bulk of the responsibility is parental. it may simply have been a genuine oversight - i v much doubt parents would pack and go. the 5min thing- do clarify this. it seems astonishing a party empties,packs,goes in 5min

however, i completely appreciate as mum you'd be really upset though.must have been scary and disorientating for your wee boy

If you don't know people well you ask them to scribble a phone number. I was really pleased that a friend of DDs did just this. She knows her from sports club, different town so don't know the family. Friends mum was very organised, took contact numbers and confirmed collection times. At the end she made sure children's parents were there before handing them their party bag and they are 10.

To be honest I think they would have assumed that a parent was somewhere as it is not usual to just drop your 5 year old at a party in a public place so I would communicate next time you do that in case you are late. I guess you must have had a really good reason for being late, knowing that someone else would have had to hang about waiting for you. I am really glad your son was okay.I once had to wait with a 14 year old for an hour later than the pick up time,whilst the dad stopped to pick up some shopping, knowing we were waiting.No apology either.....but at a party people are looking after their own kids and probably did not notice- no one would just leave a 5 year old.

I think at soft play you wouldnt drop and go because there is room for parents to stay. However, pottery cafes & pizza express - no room, so its drop off. And Macd's onlyu allow 5 adults in the party room, so thats a definite drop off, unless you want to spend 2hrs with a weak coffee in the public part. Its not at all unfeasible that this party was drop off, so dont berate the op for that!!

I think it must have been a misunderstanding, surely no one would intentionally leave a 5 year old standing on his own in a carpark? I'd like to think not anyway! They really should have been more careful though, and made sure every child was accounted for and safely on their way before leaving, especially at that age.

Might be worth talking to him about what to do if ever you're late to pick him up again (from a party, or from school, whatever) - i.e. don't wander outside on your own, do go up to another parent or responsible adult and tell them your mum/dad aren't here.

I've skimmed the last half of this thread because I'm so angry at some of the stupid, fuckwitted responses. Are people really saying that because your DH was late it is acceptable to piss off and leave a 5 year old alone?? If he was 5 hours late that is still no excuse to abandon a child. You can be steaming mad but you don't leave a child on its own. I sincerely hope none of you are parents of my child's friends.

As for being swept out, that's not good enough. If you have taken responsibility for a group of small children, your responsibilty ends when you've handed them back to their parent, not before. If you can't handle that then you don't invite 20 children.

My dd is 3 and about to attend her first party. If I'm not required to stay, I'll be sitting outside in the car with a book. Some people are obviously too stupid to be trusted.

Yes but Gwen, would you ask for the host's phone number and double check they had yours? I wouldn't ever leave DS without the number of the party host.

I'm not saying it's the OP's fault - as I said last night, the other parents were in loco parentis and should have stayed with her DS. But I do think it's odd that numbers weren't exchanged and the OP has no way of getting in touch with the party hosts.

The fact that you leave a five year old with people you hardly know amazes me..............

Soft play parties around here are 2 hour time slots, you get an hour in the hall and an hour in the party room.
Eating only takes about 20-30 minutes, so its quite feasible to clear up and and be ready to be gone before the two hour dead line

My friend had a party a couple of weeks ago 5-7, and all the kids were gone by 6.50, all clean up done, and parents out of door by 7

Its quite likely in the chaos of party bag giving out he took a bag and followed other kids out.

I'm not saying the parents were right to leave either, but if they didnt realise that someone hadnt picked DS up, and he wasnt in the room either then they could genuinely have overlooked it