My five year old was abandoned at an organised party

[KattyB]

My husband took our five year old boy to a birthday party for two of his school friends in the local sports hall yesterday and when he came back to collect him, (five minutes late) all of his friends and their parents had left. There was another party going on afterwards, but my child was, well, abandoned. Not only that, but he actually managed to get outside the hall and was ?waiting for daddy? in the car park.

To say that I am angry is a little bit of an understatement and what could have happened doesn?t bear thinking about.

Don?t know the mums at all well and don?t have their phone numbers ?. Should I 'throw the book' at the venue???? What would you do?

Amazing!

First off you leave your child unaccompanied at a party with people you don't know, based on some loose arrangements made several days before the party.

Secondly, you don't have the invitation with the details on. How?? That means also that you have no means of contacting the host should you need to.

Thirdly, why would you leave your home number, as opposed to your DP's mobile, given that he was dropping off / collecting?

Fourthly, there is no way on this earth that your DP was only 5 minutes late. I've never known of a party to empty, goodie bags given out, toilets visited, room cleared and tidied, and another party to be underway in 5 minutes in all my life. Even if it had wound down early, if it was a drop off do, other parents would still be arriving at the original time.

OP, if this is actually all real, why on earth are you talking about it on here, rather than with the party hosts??

But the party mums gave OPs husband a party bag-so they didn´t leave until they saw OPs husband?

I think that's the DS that the OP is quoting isn't it diddl? Oh I am finding this whole thing very confusing.

If this had happened at school, parents would be screaming for teachers' heads on a stake.
It is the responsibility of the adults organising the event to ensure the safety of everyone in their care, and of parents to leave contact details, collect contact details and be on time.
But if a parent is late, you are still responsible for the child. Right up until eye contact with the collector and proper handover.
The venue? Not responsible.

Okay I think they gave the party bag to the boy, so they knew he was there, but didn't stay around until he was collected.
I wouldn't let a kid go to a party organised by them again.

But I've never heard of anyone being so irresponsible before. I have been waiting quite sometime after parties waiting for various kids to be collected. (It can be tricky at our local sports centre to find parking sometimes.)

It was the parents responsibility not the sports centre staff.

All the parties as soft play I've been to have finished and been cleared up on the dot.

An hour for playing, then 30mins for eating, next 30 mins for a quick play (the centre staff clear up), then handing out party bags and putting shoes on in the last ten minutes.

Its back to back parties and you're expected to be out on the dot.

Last party dd had we took six of her friends bowling. I was stressed then making sure that all the girls were picked up. One girl went home with another girl and her dad. But they didn't explain this clearly to me and I realised I was missing one and ran outside in a total panic, luckily they were still in the carpark and it was all OK.

I can imagine with 20plus kids that it is like herding cats. Its easy to be distracted by one excited 5yo and another one wonders off, etc. Parents aren't used to looking after that number of kids and don't tick names off a list so then they've forgotten who has been picked up and who hasn't. It gets to the end, they look round, can't see anyone left and think that everyone has gone home.

For this reason I never left dd at a party till she was 9 and I could trust that she wouldn't wander off.

Ofsted would never let a childminder look after 20 kids, they'd say it was too much. A school trip wouldn't run with 2 adults looking after 20 kids, not 5yo anyway. But parents are happy to leave their kids with two adults who aren't used to that many children.

If this was actually the way it happened I think you were all wrong.

Party mums should never have just left your child.
Venue should never have just left your child.

BUT you left your child there with parents you barely know and no means of contacting them, or any other parent at the party and they only had a home number for you. If you barely know ANY of these people, why on earth would you leave your 5 year old in their care?

Your DP was 5/6 minutes late and everyone else had all gone and all the party was cleared away? Sorry but I'm afraid I just don't believe this. I hosted my daughters 5th birthday party in a sports hall on Saturday and it was at least 20 minutes after the last child was collected (some of them 5 or 10 minutes late) that we were cleared up, presents all packed in the car and away. I just don't buy it.

Actually, thinking about it, I did do a bowling party once where we had the food in record time and some parents turned up 10 mins before the end and took their children. By the time the last one was left and the parent turned up there was still a couple of minutes left of official party time, so we did all actually leave within the 2 hours!

I would want to have a frank discussion with the party hosts as this was utterly unacceptable, but you appear to be stalling contacting them.

It is not plausible to suggest that you have no way of getting their contact info from; the venue, other mums at the party, the invitation etc

I suspect there was a mix up - perhaps they mistook another dad for your dp or thought another parent was lift-sharing and your ds moved off with the herd or hosts' parents were fetching and carrying while he was waiting. Seeming one car drive off doesn't mean another of the parents wasn't still inside finishing up or paying the bill, taking a child to the loo etc Just how hard did your dp check ? Nonetheless ideally a parent should have stayed supervising if he was obviously alone, nothing to do with the venue. You miust have a means of contacting them - coudl you call and say dp could n't find them to thank them for the party at pick up ?

I am amazed at some posters going on about how late the DH was! It's completely irrelevant!

sorry, aside, but pmsl at how schizophrenic MN is. Half this thread saying it was outrageous to leave a 5yo there at all, or at least not with several contact numbers, and meanwhile other (dozens of them) threads lambasting parents who stay at parties with their 5yos (a "cheery wave to the hosts should suffice") sort of attitude.

I think the whole "MN Jury" thing just lost all credibility for me.

This is outrageous. I have skim read it, but I just want to add support for the OP...I always leave my 5yo DD, she is very sensible (as is OPs DS - he waited sensibly in the car park for Daddy) and she behaves better when I'm not there.

I've also hosted large parties and I've always made sure that a) there is space for parents to stay if they want to, b) all parents are aware of the adult child ratio (never more than 1:4 for under 8's 1:6 for under 8's) and finally c) EVERY child, adult present or not, has a phone number on a contact sheet.
There is no way there can be a mix up, at 5yo the children should have been signed in and out. It's not that hard and the venue should have been advising that.
Thank god this has the ending it has and not something more disastrous.
OP You need to raise this with the parents and the venue. This cannot be allowed to happen again.

I personally think no other mother would deliberately leave a five year old on their own. I am sure it must all be some dreadful mis understanding. I would call the party childs mother and make her aware of what happened though, maybe she can shed some light.

we had a soft play party once and one parent was 40 minutes late picking up her son

we waited OBVIOUSLY as you don't leave uncollected kids on their own surely?

in loco parentis and all that

How late does a parent have to be before it's ok to abandon their 5yo child?

I don't think anyone said it was OK to abandon a 5 year old. I still maintain they are all responsible for whatever 'mix up' occured. The party parents, venue and OP. I just don't believe that the party hosts would deliberately drive off and leave a 5 year old. The whole think seems a tad bizzare to me.

My thoughts exactly ragged

What a contrast to the usual "what harm do you expect your child to come to?" & shouts of PFB when anyone asks about staying at parties.

I have never left DS (now 6) at party unless I knew & trusted the parents, although plenty have said it would be fine.

There are definitely some idiots about.

OP totally sympathise and agree, you need to talk to organising parents, they should not have left him, even if your DP was 5hrs late.

Happydoll - is there really a legal adult/child ratio at parties? Dp and I managed 40/50 between us when our dds were young and never gave a thought to ratios.

I don't think it matters that OP's DH was late. The host parent(s) are responsible and should never have left such a young child alone. How did they know OP's DH was only going to be 5 minutes late? He might have been involved in an accident and that child could have been standing there for hours.

No excuse imo. I would be calling the hosts to ask them what happened and why they thought it was acceptable to leave a young child alone.

If it was a genuine mistake and they thought he had already been collected then they should still be informed. If something like this happened on my watch I'd be completely mortified.

Our DS is 5 and its a really difficult age for parties.

When we had his party about 50% of parents left, but they either told us, or made sure that their DC was being looked out for by another parent - much more appropriate than lumbering the host parents who have more than enough to do in ensuring the party goes successfully.

Your DH should not have planned to arrive on time, he should have planned to arrive 10 minutes early at the least. An hour and a half is a very long time if a child is less than happy. Secondly he should have let another parent know that he wouldn't be staying, rather than just the party hosts.

TBH I don't blame the party parents, at our party one father tried to leave his daughter who was crying and obviously upset because he needed to go to the tip . I caught him as he was sneaking out and presented him with his daughter, he left 5 mins later when she had calmed down and did not reappear at the end of the party, when not unnaturally she became upset again. Luckily she was friendly with another child that was there and the mother was able to look after her until the father appeared.

I did remember about this girl and had the other mum not been there I would have stayed with her until her dad arrived however in the general excitement of co-ordinating the party, keeping an eye on 26 children and making sure DS had a good time at his own birthday party I would not have seen it as my fault if we didn't clock the departure arrangements for each and every single child.

Remember your DH will be presenting this from his point of view. I bet he was more than 5 mins late and I bet he slunk off from the party without pressing his mobile number on to host parent and at least one other parent.

Ok venue was somewhat at fault as they should have very clear sign out policies, but child may have got through with another parent or friend.

I wouldn't be calling the birthday party child's mother, I would just make sure that either you or your DH ( if you trust him) stay with your child at the next party or make darn sure you are back on time to collect.