My five year old was abandoned at an organised party

[KattyB]

My husband took our five year old boy to a birthday party for two of his school friends in the local sports hall yesterday and when he came back to collect him, (five minutes late) all of his friends and their parents had left. There was another party going on afterwards, but my child was, well, abandoned. Not only that, but he actually managed to get outside the hall and was ?waiting for daddy? in the car park.

To say that I am angry is a little bit of an understatement and what could have happened doesn?t bear thinking about.

Don?t know the mums at all well and don?t have their phone numbers ?. Should I 'throw the book' at the venue???? What would you do?

Ms Ann- I'd say 9 and 3 quarters of one, and a quarter of the other myself

GOod grief, so apparently we now need to be on hand on MN all day every day to answer questions immediately lest we get called a troll. God forbid anyone should actually have a life outside of the computer. Sheesh.

Re the OP, it's simple: OP asked if parents were required to be there, and was told by host "no"; OP drops child at party and leaves as discussed; OP's DH arrives to collect child a little late and finds said child wandering around car park with no responsible adult present, having just left the child alone.

And there are seriously people on here suggesting that the OP is somehow at fault?

Let's create a different scenario with the same facts.

Pre-school/nursery have a sports day; parent checks to see whether attendance is required, and is told "no" by nursery; parent arrives to collect child to find nursery closed, all adults gone, and child wandering around car park alone, all because s/he was a little late. Would that be acceptable?

I don't believe this happened, something doesn't ring true.

I am trying to think of the most impatient, self-centred, selfish, irresponsible, entitled, moronic parent I know (hello, Mum, if you are reading this), and I can't for a minute imagine them leaving a small child, after a mere 5 minutes of waiting, in the car park a strange venue, where the child had no way of contacting his parents, and they didn't attempt to contact them either. If the basic story in this OP is true, I can only imagine there has been a massive misunderstanding. I agree, under no circumstances is there any justification for leaving a child alone that has been left in your care. But at the same time, if you are to blame for leaving the person in loco parentis in a "should I stay or should I go" predicament, it's a bit off to moan about it.

Been reading this with interest. Whether the OP is genuine or not, it has shown up an interesting variety of opinions on what is acceptable when you have other people's kids in your care.

For what it's worth, I used to organise a lot of children's activities as part of my job. There could be up to 26 excited children all needing to be returned to the right parent. The nature of it meant that I didn't know the parents so had to be really on the ball to make sure all children were returned to the correct adults. Simple rules helped - 'No-one is to go past this point until you can see the person who is here to collect you.' And then only letting them through in single file so you can check who is going to who. (And no, it's not a perfect system when you don't recognise the adults, you just have to be as sure as you can from the child's reaction that this is a person they know, and the adult face in front of you does indeed belong to the name on the sheet!). I have waited over an hour for a child to be collected as parents got delayed, and no, they don't always phone (stuck in traffic, not wanting to use phone while driving, have also had just plain forgot). It never occurred to me to let a child go off on their own. It's perfectly possible to return all children safely to correct parent and anyone who doesn't make every effort to ensure this is done is being extremely casual - unacceptably so, I would think. If you can't do it, I would think a different sort of party might be better rather than compromise the safety of the kids you invite.

Do these parents think the same of teachers? That you can't possibly know whether the kids have gone to their parents and once the bell has gone for the end of the school day, the kids are on their own - if their mum or dad isn't there, tough luck? Similarly would I have been ok to let the kids just wander off on their own without ensuring there was someone there for them? Or is it because we were/are paid, and so even though our responsibility technically ends the moment the time limit is up, because we earnt money from being with the kids the rules are different?

To me, the central issue is how children are looked after and it matters not whether you are paid or not, or how excited the kids are. You stay with them - you agreed to be responsible for them and that does not end at a designated time, on the dot. It ends when all children are back with the appropriate adult. And accepting that not everyone will be punctual comes with the territory - sometimes people are lax, sometimes the delay is not their fault. At the end of the day, if a child is hit by a car, no amount of saying 'But my job ended five minutes ago' will ever sound adequate to yourself or anyone else.

OP, ignore all the sanctamonious so & so's on here.
The host was responsible for all the children in her care. She should have ensured each child went off with his or her parent.

I only come opn MN to read about all the perfect parents.

But the point is that this isn't school or nursery. It isn't people who looks after children as their job. It is 2 adults at a party.
If you leave your child anywhere it is your job as a parent to make sure that a) you trust the person/people you are leaving them with will care adequately for your child and b)in a party situation like this there are enough adults present. The OP in this situation did neither. There's no point saying she was told to go and the party hosts SHOULD have made better arrangements. The op knew she didn't know them well and she should have checked the adult/child ratio - it is HER childs safety at stake. You can't assume that everyone is well organised and responsible when you don't know them.

In other words, we should only expect people who are being paid to look after children to show care and common sense. Other parents can't be trusted. This seems to be depressingly apparent.

I don't understand - how did the host mum manage to tidy up so quickly from a kids party? I'm not a clean freak, but it takes a little while, even one in a hosted venue.

I have done a party for 45 children aged 3-7 before, in a hall. With 2 young dc of my own to look after (it was DD's 6th birthday, DS1 was 23 months old, DS2 was 4 months old). I had two other adults to help me. I did all the food and games myself. I also had a list of every parent - with their phone number on, and I gave them a card with my phone number on in case they had lost the invite. Most parents left siblings too (hence 45 when it was meant to be 30). Some of the siblings were only 3/4. Not one child left my care until their parent had arrived and they had been checked off my list (even with the hastily added siblings names). One parent was an hour late, and didn't pick up the phone. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would have left her 4yo and 6yo unattended. FOR ANY REASON. EVER.

Anyone that WOULD do that, could you please inform me if your dc are at my dc's school, as I would very much like to know, so that I can stay with my dc, cheers all the same.

While my dc are now 13, 9 and 7, I wouldn't expect ANY of them to be left alone after a party. Even my 13yo DD. If she has been to a party, she is the party hosts' responsibility until I have picked her up.

I have never met a parent that would even do this 'accidentally'. And this (if true) would HAVE to be on purpose - you don't give out party bags until the end of the party, so the hosts KNEW he didn't have a parent with him when they gave him the party bag.

Watching with interest for developments...

I don't think for a moment that the host parents deliberately left the child. More likely that they swanned off not giving a thought to checking that all children were collected.

It is true that there was a poster on here a couple of weeks ago complaining that parents wanted to stay at the party...and there were a lot on here agreeing with her too "oh I always leave my 3yo old at parties, I don't want to smother them!!!!" etc

MightyQuinn - that's also my point though (or the opposite of).
If a child is wandering around in a car park by himself, and finds a car headed towards him, it makes no difference at all whether the adult who is, in theory, in charge of him is paid or not. No magic shield gets thrown up if he is 'just' in the care of someone who is only trying to throw their own kid a birthday bash, rather than in the care of someone who earns money for throwing someone else's kid a birthday bash.
If you are told to go by the party parent, then you (or at least I) would take this to mean that they had thought all this through, and were accepting responsibility.

We've also had the OP saying she had spoken to them a day or so beforehand and others suggesting this was not realistic - check on the day. I can throw in here that trying to hold a sensible conversation when you already have a number of over-excited kids in your care isn't going to happen.

I also ran parties - every parent but those belonging to the birthday child was asked to leave as spare parents hanging around were a bloody nuisance. So you'd have had no choice but to dump and run. I wouldn't have appreciated an inquisition as I had a timetable of things and needed to get going, not stand answering questions on my security arrangements for 25 sets of parents. But, as the host, again, my responsibility went on for as long as the kids didn't have a parent standing by them, not according to the hours on a clock. I know it's slightly different as I was the venue rather than the parent, but when I come to host my own parties for my dd, the rules will be the same. It does concern me that there seems to be quite a cavalier attitude from few people here, who think that somehow because it isn't your job your responsibility towards a child is decreased.

The reason that you wouldn't accept this situation from a professional is because a child's safety has been jeopardised. The situation isn't made safer simply because it was a parent not a teacher at the centre of it. Until reading this thread, I would have trusted other parents if they said to leave my child with them and would have thought I was being PFB if I had worried - my reasoning would have been that they have kids of their own and therefore understand how important it is to be responsible. Reading some of the responses on here, I think I've changed my mind.

OP - did you speak to the parents and the venue? What did they say?

I'm sorry but there is no way 2 mums can guarantee the safety of 30 kids. Even if you check they all leave with their parents what are you supposed to do during the party? Follow them to the loos to check they're not slipping out of the exit? Call me a helicopter parent all you like but I wouldn't leave a child young enough to need constant supervision at a party like this. Because 2 mums can't adequately supervise 30 young kids.

completely agree

They might not be able to guarantee safety but they should endeavour to do so. How on earth could they have gone home without realising the child's parent hadn't yet arrived?

well in fairness,thats the question and no one knows the circimstances

pigletmania is right - the reason that the host should never leave a child unattended, no matter how late the collection may be, is that there is always a possibility that nobody is coming to collect the child, that there has been an accident, or illness, or mis-communication between parents (both thinking the other is collecting) or whatever.

I don't know how any adult can justify walking away from a 5yo in a car park, without having any idea how long the child is going to be stood waiting, alone and frightened. I'm not saying the OP is genuine - but an awful lot of MNers have been posting to justify why it isn't the responsibility of the adult in charge.

also completely agree.no weans party vacates in 5-6min

BuddyMoFo and Scottishmummy, I don't know why you don't believe the OP about her DH only being 5 minutes late. It's perfectly possible for a party to end on time. DS2 went to a bowling party on Saturday, which finished at 2pm. I arrived to pick him up 5 minutes past 2 (yes honestly!) I was the last mum to arrive and all the other children had gone apart from the birthday girl herself and DS2, (aged 9 and 8) who were waiting patiently outside the venue with her mum. The mum is a friend of mine and we already had each other's mobile numbers but we hadn't phoned each other as neither of us thought that 5 minutes late was anything to be conerned about.

ime as participant and host of soft play parties ive never seen them depart,pack,gather weans,coats,pressies, cheerios,exchange numbers in 6min tops

but you know what its for op to query with dp and host