Hi,
Apologies in advance, this is quite a long one!
My girlfriend and I have been ?discussing? how much help we should get from grandparents (mainly my mum) in helping with babysitting. We have an amazing 19 month old daughter.
My girlfriend works two 12 hour days a week but is on a rota shift so only finds out what days she?s working for the month approx 4 weeks beforehand. Our daughter goes to a childminder for those 2 days til 5pm. At this point we have to rely on grandparents to pick our daughter up and take her home for her dinner until I get in from work at 6.30pm (I have to leave work early to make this time so no chance of leaving even earlier).
My girlfriends mum still works (locally to where we live) and is able to leave work a bit early to pick our daughter up for one day of the week, which is a massive help. She is normally available 99% of the time to do this and although doesn?t normally have many other things on in the evenings, would if needed, drop what she has planned to help out. Her mum lives a 5 minute drive from ours.
My mum is retired and also helps out a fair bit but tends to have a busy social life a lot of the evenings and days. Ideally we?d like my mum to be able to pick up my daughter the other day of the week. If my mum has say a month?s notice of days we ask her to babysit (before her calendar gets filled up with social things) and she is free on those days, then she happily does so and loves doing so. However, if she has social things already booked, then she won?t ever cancel or rearrange to pick up our daughter, unless it were to be a big emergency. So with say a month?s notice my mum is available about 80% of the time. If it?s say 2 weeks or under she?s probably available 40% - 50% of the time as by that time she normally has other things booked in her diary. My mum lives a 30 minute drive from our house.
I think one reason my mum puts so much importance on keeping a good social circle is my dad is potentially quite ill and so has it hanging over her head worrying that he might not be around for many years to come and so makes a lot of effort to see friends a lot of the time so she is not lonely if anything happens to my dad.
When my girlfriend thought about going back to work after having our daughter, I have to admit my mum insisted she?d like to help with babysitting where possible. At this time I don?t think my mum or I realised the days my girlfriend would be working would not be fixed and could change all the time, therefore making it a lot harder to plan babysitting around. But for any fixed days, this is mostly fine ? for example, when a 12 week course came up that my girlfriend wished to attend fixed to Friday?s every week, my mum could then plan for that, putting all those dates in her diary and successfully babysat for us for all days (apart from one where she was on holiday) so my girlfriend could attend her course.
My girlfriends also not a big fan of my mum for other reasons like my parents just bought my daughter one fairly small present for her 1st Christmas and birthday and then gave us a cheque each time to put in my daughters saving account, which my girlfriend thought didn?t require much thought from them. I also was a bit disappointed by this, but not as much as my girlfriend. Whereas my girlfriends parents bought our daughter lots and lots of presents for Christmas and her 1st birthday and really spoilt her. My parents also didn?t get us a card to say congratulations when my daughter was born either which annoyed my girlfriend. There have been a few other things like this, but those are probably the main kind of things. These things, together with the babysitting infuriates my girlfriend and she now pretty much hates my mum and I hear a lot of pretty harsh things said about my mum by her.
So, my girlfriends argument is that because my mum said she?d really like to help out, she thinks my mum should be available to pick up our daughter at least one day a week, any day of the week, depending on what days she is working that week (as after all, this is what her mum does without any problems). Because of my girlfriends work rota constantly changing, that day could be any day of the week (although mostly Monday ? Thursday). Most of the time my mum might have about 4 weeks notice, but on the odd occasion extra shifts come up at late notice for my girlfriend (within say a week) then she?ll also expect my mum to be able to be able to drop any plans she has and babysit our daughter then too. If it turns out my mum already has something arranged to see some friends, my mum says she can?t do it and sometimes won?t even just alter her plans by half hour or so to help as she doesn?t want to mess her friends about. My girlfriend gets extremely annoyed that my mum is not prepared to ever rearrange or cancel meeting friends so that she can pick up our daughter. She thinks she puts more importance on seeing her friends than helping us out. It?s kind of like a first come first served scenario with my mum and her time. My girlfriend thinks my mum is a bad grandmother and that she?s not being unreasonable at all in expecting this from my mum and that this is something that all other grandmothers would do (and do do when she compares us against people she knows with children).
My thoughts are that yes, my mum did say she?d like to help out a lot, but I think that has to be within reason with what?s being asked of her. We shouldn?t just ?expect? or take for granted that our grandparents should be able help at the drop of a hat and rearrange their lives around us and the working lives we?ve chosen to live. I consider it a big favour that they choose to help us out as much as they do and that given the unpredictable rota?s that my girlfriend?s work demands, that we do pretty good by both our grandparents. Although my mother isn?t available all the time (and is not as reliable and doesn?t do as much my girlfriends mother), the babysitting my mother?s already done and continues to do has saved us a lot of money and effort, which I?m very grateful for. I also think my girlfriend should perhaps be more grateful and is not being very realistic and reasonable in what she is expecting from my mum. At the same time, I can see perhaps why it annoys her when her mother is fantastic and helps all the time but sometimes my mother is too busy seeing her friends to help out, as this does get to me sometimes too. I think it probably also annoys my girlfriend that although I do sometimes agree with her and some things my mum does, that more so than not I?m more sticking up for my mum.
My girlfriends a great mother and girlfriend, but I think she may be expecting a little too much and shouldn?t be so harsh on my mum with what she says about her.
So bottom line is, should my mum be helping more and be more flexible in rearranging/cancelling things with her friends to help us out more? Or should my girlfriend maybe cut her a bit of slack and is perhaps expecting a bit too much?
We seem to be going round in circles on this and have reached a stale mate. Any thoughts would be much appreciated!!
Many thanks in advance for any replies.
Many thanks!
D