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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

139 replies

superv1xen · 20/07/2011 13:01

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this then and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

OP posts:

Cocoflower · 20/07/2011 13:03

Well I can see why your upset...
but....
Has she made any nasty or upsetting comments since- or is just this one off comment?

GypsyMoth · 20/07/2011 13:04

er,yab a bit u i think!! i mean i'd be annoyed yes,but not HATE her,and not 2 years later still be holding a grudge!

hiddenhome · 20/07/2011 13:05

No, you're not being mad. Sometimes all it takes is one thoughtless comment and it turns you right off a person. Perhaps you should talk to your dh about it. Hurtful comments do stick in the mind and will influence how you feel about that person.

dreamingbohemian · 20/07/2011 13:06

Is it that you don't like her because of this one comment

That this one comment sums up why you don't like her, because she is often saying hurtful things?

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 13:06

Is it more to do with the type of person that she is, rather than this one comment?

It sounds to me like she may have body issues herself/jealous of your lovely size 8 figure, so she has tried to make you feel shit to make herself feel better?

Sounds nuts I know but I know a few people like this.

If I were you I'd just try to forget about it - I think she is the one with the problem.

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2011 13:07

Actually OP I think YANBU
What a horrible thing to say to a woman who has literally just given birth. Shows some odd things about her attitude to you and to her GD

usualsuspect · 20/07/2011 13:07

YABU, yes,annoying at the time ,people say all sorts of daft things ,but you need to move on

she is your dds grandma not just your MIL

cheesesarnie · 20/07/2011 13:07

i cant remember a single thing anyone said to me after having my dc!so it must have upset you.it was mean to say to a new mum but yabu,you didnt say anything at the time,does she know that it effected you so much?if not id put it down to a stupid throwaway comment.is she a good grandmother and mil?

MissPenteuth · 20/07/2011 13:08

YANBU. You were in a vulnerable position having just given birth, and as you say you had body image issues during your pregnancy. Even regardless of those things, her comment was incredibly rude and insensitive. Is she often that thoughtless, or was that a one-off?

I suspect the reason it still plays on your mind so much is that nobody (yourself included) countered it. In an ideal world you'd want her to realise (or have it pointed out) what an awful thing it was to say, and for her to feel bad for upsetting you. That's unlikely to happen now, unless you bring it up, so you need to decide whether you can forgive her and move on or not. She probably doesn't even remember saying it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2011 13:09

Is there any possibility that she was just so overwhelmed, she forgot herself and came out with the most inappropriate comment ever? I mean, even if you had stones and stones to lose, most normal people would not come out with any sort of comment at all when you've just had a CS.

If you're absolutely sure that wasn't it then maybe it was because you're generally slim and you had a 'large' pregnancy and the fact that the baby was out and you didn't look much different (and who would?), she made a really stupid comment?

If you generally have a civil relationship with her, could you now just say, "MIL, old thing, I can't get past this thing that you said to me in hospital and it's spoiling our relationship..." If you don't, you're going to carry it around as baggage forever and a day and that's not good for you, DH or DD... have it out with her. The worst that can happen is that you don't feel any different, you will have tried - the best is that all of this dislike and bad feeling will just evaporate on her heatfelt apology to you.

Popbiscuit · 20/07/2011 13:10

YANBU. My MIL came to visit three days after I had given birth and looked at my (still very round) tummy and said "Ha-ha...are you having another one?". W.T.F. ???????
I still feel upset about it to this day and I'm not a grudge holder...you just DON'T say that to someone who has given birth. You just DON'T. It was so nasty and snide and was a classic example of the type of comments that she makes all the time (which I had yet to discover).

PamBeesly · 20/07/2011 13:13

YANBU what a mean spirited thing to say. I'd be livid, and not to have gone over to the little girl first! Pathetic

LilBB · 20/07/2011 13:13

YANBU. I remember MIL commenting on how I had put on weight everywhere even though I only got bigger in the front and everyone else commented on how I was all bump. I also remember her commenting on how she had a flat stomach by the time she left hospital with her DC1, she did leave after 5 days though and I left after 1. It doesn't matter what I do she has always done it better/thinks the opposite so I just ignore her whilst secretly wanting to strangle her.

MorticiaAddams · 20/07/2011 13:13

YABU and mad. It's a horrible thing to say but to hold on to it and for you to post it on a forum two years later is not right.

allhailtheaubergine · 20/07/2011 13:14

Was she trying to be funny? A joke that didn't quite come off?

My dad once told ever such a slim girl that she was "so hefty no one else could squeeze past" - he meant it as a joke, assuming that she knew how slight she was and that it was obviously completely untrue. She didn't of course, she thought he meant it. She was mortified. He was mortified (and learned a valuable lesson What was he thinking??)

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 13:14

There are some things you just don't forget aren't there? And you play over the situation again and again in your head, along with the responses you should have given!

As she made remarks previously about your weight I would say that she has a bit of a problem with weight. Is she overweight herself? Or is she one of these people that do themselves up to the nines and judges everyone else based on appearance?

I think that one comment coupled with the other remarks have given you a good insight into this woman, so no wonder you don't like her. She has made it very clear that you are not the perfect daughter-in-law she had in her head and has chosen to relay this to you by these ridiculous comments regarding your weight.

Hard as it may be, you may have to just put this to one side as it happened so long ago that if you brought it up now you would be seen as petty. Next time you see her however perhaps you ought to comment on how healthy she is looking now that she's put a bit of weight on

MissPenteuth · 20/07/2011 13:16

Popbiscuit my Mum asked me if I was sure they hadn't left another baby in there by mistake I just rolled my eyes, but if it had been a less close relative (MIL for example) I think I'd have been quite upset.

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 20/07/2011 13:16

As per cocoflower - can definately understand wjhy the comment would be upsetting, but hard to put it in context - was it a one off? how long had you known her before she said this, and how did she treat you up until said it?

Its no excuse for making a hurtful comment, but I often find people come out with the most bizzare things when they feel a bit out of their depth - could she have been trying to cover up nervousness with a poor attempt at humour? If she's otherwise been fine with you I'd be inclined to write it off as a one-off and give her a second chance.

If its just one example of many, well, thats a different matter all together

Blu · 20/07/2011 13:17

It was an incredibly crass, thoughtless, stupid comment.

But in the light of everything else you say, is it possible that the person you really don't like is yourself? You are very concerned about your body, tiny bump, imprtance of getting back into a size 8 etc. Do you hate her for bringing your own sensitivities so close to the surface?

It was a bad thing to say - but if you let it affect you so badly years on that is your doing, not hers.

Can you talk to her about it? If you are ever saying things about how you look in a dress or something say 'you know, I never quite got over what you said after I had the CS - I was feeling v vulnerable at the time. But I feel better now I have recovered, and i know i always look good'.

Have confidence on how you really look - you are you whether or not you have a post-op, post-baby body - you are YOU and all the better for that, however your tum is and whatever your MIL lets come out of her mouth without the benefit of thought.

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/07/2011 13:17

She just sounds exceedingly stupid, so I don't blame you at all for disliking her. But, really, with very very dim people like this, its best to pity them rather than hate them.

Pootles2010 · 20/07/2011 13:18

She sounds like a bit of a 'salt of the earth' type to me tbh.

If you possibly can, try to get over it. I know its not easy, but it's just holding you back to dwell on it.

She's your mil, she's not someone you can cut out of your life, so there's not point holding onto it.

I do understand where you're coming from, my mil has told me more than once that I'm a bad mother, and I do probably dwell on it more than I should, but she's my dp's mum, there's nothing I can do about it. I just try to ignore it, I'm aiming for the 'water off a duck's back effect' - not there yet, trying!

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 13:18

"Next time you see her however perhaps you ought to comment on how healthy she is looking now that she's put a bit of weight on "

Genius

Pootles2010 · 20/07/2011 13:19

Sorry I meant to say, 'salt of the earth' type, who 'says things as she sees them' with no thought to how others may be hurt.

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 20/07/2011 13:20

My DD is 8. After a 52 hr labour & emcs my MILs 1st comment to me was 'you really need to exercise to lose that weight' I told her I would ask the midwife if there was a gym, gave her a death stare then said I needed sleep. I hold that along with many other comments against her so no yanbu.

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 13:20

Blu, I don't think the OP comes across in that way. Her mil made comments during her pregnancy about her weight and it was the first remark she said on meeting her granddaughter for the first time.

FWIW I had a tiny bump too, I delivered a tiny baby and went back to my old shape within weeks. But I didn't have a thoughtless mil. As you were clearly not overweight OP, the problem sounds as though it comes from her and not you.

And yes, these situations esp on what should be the happiest day of your life do go on to haunt you for years afterwards.

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