to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

[superv1xen]

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this then and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

that was me

and i said sorry it was a flippant remark, i am small i am not skinny and i had a huge bump when i was pregnant the remarks were constant it didn't bother me or remarks made after over my weight and was wring to assume everyone feels the same

OP SAID SHE HAD BODY ISSUES. I would never dream of telling a woman she had body issues simply because she was slim.

Or because she was fat, for that matter.

It is NOT Ok for the MIL to make comments whether she is slim, medium or whatever! No-one is assuming this.

Some people have suggested that the MIL may be careless and crass because some people think it is OK to be rude about slim / thin people, but I don't see people here saying that that is OK!

And everyone agrees that the MIL was out of order. Some people have observed that the OP has spent a v long time hating her MIL for it - and have made suggestions about why that might be.

If it was just a completely one-off thoughtless comment, then I would say YABU, we've all accidentally said something stupid or something that came out the wrong way!

If she's always going on about your weight and appearence though, I can understand you starting to feel that way. Very rude of her to make those comments during your pregnancy especially, unfortunately being slim does tend to inspire jealousy and resentment in other women sometimes, and that's probably what's going on. Try to ignore if you can.

We all have different experiences. I've always been picked on from a kid for being skinny. Had all the usual jokes about looking like a telegraph pole etc etc. When pg I was told I clearly wasn't eating enough, that I was damaging the baby as a result of my attempt to stay slim and even had people questioning as to whether I was really pg because I hadn't put on weight anywhere else. Then when I had dd, again the remarks about not eating, my mother told me not to bf as I need to put weight on and not feed it to dd, that I didn't have big enough breasts for feeding her, that she wasn't getting enough milk out of my small boobs etc etc.

So yeah, I kinda do take issue with remarks of any kind directed towards women about their weight. Skinny or otherwise.

The OP stated she was not overweight to illustrate how petty her MIL's remarks were. She didn't say her body issues were over her weight and she did use the past tense so we can safely assume that she's now happier in the body she has.

Therefore her MIL is being a tit.

My mil is always making crass comments about my weight. They day after i came home from hospital after having dd by cs she brought round a photo of herself holding dh the day she left hosp and said "look at me back in my own clothes straight away in size 8".... Pretty cruel when it was quite obvious i had put on loads of weight and was size 16.

She was babysitting one night and when my dh appeared ready for us to leave (looking quite dashing in new clothes) I said "I feel like a frumpy wife" and mil said "yea you do but I didn't want to tell you before".... Maybe I asked for it being so stupid setting myself up, knowing what she is like.

There have been many more. I don't hate her for the comments, but she is good to the kids so put up with it and put it down to the fact that she must be simply stupid. Any time I've told her she's out of order she says she's just simply speaking the truth!!!

If someone says she had body issues during pregnancy, and is still very upset because of a comment made to her at that time, then it does suggest rather strongly that her body issues may not be fully resolved.

I am NOT having a go at the OP, I am deeply sympathetic. I have struggled half my life with anorexia and weight issues and I hate and loathe people who assume the right to pass casual (and critical) comment on women's bodies. I did say the comment was stupid and tactless, but I think it is more important for OP to work through why it continues to upset her so much.

Thin or fat isn't important: being at peace with yourself is.

YABU- she is your child's grandma - be a grown up and let it go.

Horrible thing to say but really no reason to hate her, more feel sorry for her being a twat!

I can understand why you were angry but to hold a grudge unless shes always very rudes is ABU tbh... the weight would be a sore spot for me too as when im slim or overweight its always something that bothers me so I totally understand, but its some peoples way to say it as they see it or think it and just blert it out, they are at least honest and maybe she was trying to be funny but very poor at it, not everyone has good PC skills so in situations like this I make a funny /slightly rude remark back and get a bit of banter going, im sure after 18 hrs in labour though that was last thing on your mind , I expect as you had a bout of depression you were still tetchy afterwards and should just be with her as she is you outspoken and honest,just say it as it is .

I think it says more about you than it does about her to be honest. The fact that you have internalised it for 2 years and express "hate" and acknowledge body issues are far more salient.
You mention size 8 within 2 weeks; In all honesty. It was a throw awy remark by your MIL, spur of the moment, light conversation.

PIl's an be infuriating and difficult. I always take it with a pinch of salt.
No matter how bad they are, they produced a son that I was happy to marry.

hester, Don't you get angry about comments made years ago that were never settled? Have you never been in that situation were you still think of witty remarks or put downs that you should have said but never did?

I still think back to cruel remarks said to me and it still hurts today. It would hurt even more if made on a day that was meant to be one of the happiest of your life. A bit like your MIL coming up to you on your wedding day and telling you that you look fat in your dress. It's not the kind of comment you can forget easily.

Anyway, another thread about weight

No-one is making comments about the OPs weight, Rhubarb.
Just suggesions about how she manages her responses to rude people who do make such comments.
And we can only go on what the OP tells us.
I kinda get het up about women making comments about other women's weight, because of what Hester just posted.
Believe or not that makes me on your side.

Yeah yeah, because the OP gave examples as to how thin she actually was so we would know there was no truth in her MIL's remarks, the OP is actually just proving she still has body issues.

Well if she thought she had got over all her body issues and was beginning to feel confident in herself, along come Mumsnetters to put her firmly back in her place.

Have you just read AnneWiddecomesArse's reply? Read back through this thread and count all the posters who have said the OP still has body issues and who make a comment about the OPs weight.

Think hester has said it all, very well.

Rhubarb, I don't understand why you seem to think we are all disagreeing with you. Any sensible person thinks it's completely inappropriate to comment on somebody's weight on the way this MIL did. Everybody on this thread is saying that, though I agree some more sympathetically than others.

The area where we disagree is whether OP has body issues. You are suggesting that to say that she has must be BECAUSE she is slim, since she hasn't actually said she has body issues NOW. I am saying that my assumption she may still have body issues is NOT because she is size 8, but because she told us she had two years ago - and IME women with body issues do not normally snap out of them - and because she is clearly still distressed by the comment.

I may be wrong, I am completely willing to accept that. OP may simply be upset because her MIL was appallingly rude. That is for her to work out, and act accordingly.

Rhubarb, If the OP wants to discuss posts made in response to hers that's fine, but I'm not going to discuss this with anyone else on her behalf any more. She can make up her own mind which posts may or may not be helpful - but I doubt any were intended as anything but helpful. FS has apologised for hers.

OTT, you are taking yourself far too seriously. Yes it was a collosally stupid & insensitive comment but obviously had no connection to anything in reality.

My MIL pretty much begged DH to break up with me, before she even met me, she had just heard enough facts about me to disapprove (only girlfriend of his he ever told her about). DH thought her comments were so funny he shared them all with me in painful detail .

Now she's quite nice to me! Helpful & generous, even. Probably has no idea what all DH told me about her initial thoughts on me.

Fair enough Blu and hester. I was just trying to point out that you can still be hurt by a comment made years ago and that some posters were going on about her weight a little too much rather than the issue she posted about.

It seemed a bit unfair to presume she may still have body issues just because she has never forgotten a very cruel comment on the day she had her first baby.

I hate to say YABU (I just hate it!) but it is exactly the kind of comment my MIL would chuck about on a regular basis 'not meaning any harm'. She is a batty old bat and thinks people are oversensitive if they take her comments to heart. She is still the chidlren's grandma though, and I have other reasons to be fond of her and try to forget some of the clangers she has dropped.

I am sure you will get lots of posts with people telling you awful things their MILs have said to them shortly after they have given birth!

yanbu but do try to move on.My mil behaved in a most unforgiveable way after dd 5 months was born.I have born a massive grudge since but it was affecting me and dh so much that i realised i had to let it go.I have copensated by taking control now of visits and by speaking up for myself and what suits me and my immediate family,it seems to have changed the dynamic and last weekend we had a lovely visit which we all enjoyed and i saw the relief on dh's face. Life is too bloody short tbh.

compensated obviously