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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

139 replies

superv1xen · 20/07/2011 13:01

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this Shock then Blush and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 20/07/2011 14:12

Not sure if YABU but if you are then so am I.

At five months pregnant with ds I cooked dinner for my inlaws. When they arrived there was much talk of FIL having lost loads of weight. My MIL said "yes he has given it all to akaEmma tee hee hee" .

Then at six months pregnant with dd my OWN parents both professed amazement at how "beefy" I was looking. As though they had actually forgotten I was pregnant ffs!

It still makes me seethe now thinking about both comments. Not sure why really because in the grand scheme of things it matters not at all and I lost all my baby weight and then some after both dc's. .

Anyway I don't blame you for feeling as you do but we are probably both being unreasonable.

Pagwatch · 20/07/2011 14:14

I think if we can have a good relationship with our childrens grandparents that is a good thing.
My dc have not seen my pil for 9 years and it has had a negative effect on every one of them. And I suspect not seeing them at all is better than a tense unfriendly relationship.

I only say that to explain why I think, on balance, you should try to let it go.

If she is only unpleasant around weight and was a kind attentive grandparent I wouldctry to focus on the positive benefit to my dc of having a good relationship with her.

I also wonder if she actually sees you as very very slim and therefore feels that talking about the temporary weight of pregnancy wouldn't upset you - as if it is ironic iyswim. I am very flat chested and my chest when I was pregnant and feeding gave rise to a few jokes, none of which bothered me in the slightest - I made a few myself - but if I had not liked the person making them or did not expect it I may have taken it differently.
It doesn't make what she said ok but it would be easier to like her if you knew she genuinely didn't think it would upset you.

hairfullofsnakes · 20/07/2011 14:14

do you have body issues? you sound like you were tiny and to get back to a size 8 in a few weeks anyway! there is not a problem here?!

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:16

Ok, have re-read and noticed she has put about body image issues. I bet there are loads more thin women with body image issues. We get just as many jibes as overweight people do.

YouDoTheMath · 20/07/2011 14:16

I think she was probably just a bit over excited and the words flew out of her mouth without her thinking.

You're bound to be a bit more sensitive when you've just had a baby for various reasons, which is not helped by people's seemingly insurpressible urge to comment wherever they feel entitled, and as it's all you/baby related it feels very personal.

StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 14:16

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AgainWhen · 20/07/2011 14:18

YABU

Have you never said anything that's come out a bit thoughtless? It's not her fault you have body issues.

biddysmama · 20/07/2011 14:18

my grandma told me not to worry, i would lose the weight by pushing the pram up hills (we live in lancashire, its pretty hilly) dd was 4hours old... she also asked e to ove of the sofa so she could sit down..

StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 14:18

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TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:18

And yes hairfullofsnakes, obv any woman who springs back into shape must have body issues and have obv been trying very hard to lose that weight Hmm

It is a crime to be thin now?

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:19

StayFrosty, time to hide this thread I think. All skinny mums have body issues Hmm

amicissima · 20/07/2011 14:21

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AgainWhen · 20/07/2011 14:21

Stay the op says she has body image issues.

TherapeuticVino · 20/07/2011 14:22

What is it with MILs?

I left hospital the same day I had DD2, and MIL had been looking after DD1 while I was in labour. When we arrived she made a cup of tea and passed biscuits around until she got to me and said "Ooooh you'd better not have one - you need to watch your weight now." I could have fallen off my chair - if EVER I needed a biscuit, immediately after having a baby was the time!!!

StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 14:22

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Blu · 20/07/2011 14:22

The OP SAYS she had body image issues!

Since she is clearly slim now, and was slim then, her MIL was clearly rude and barking to say what she said. BUT someone who felt confident about their body would perhaps not have harboured upset about a senseless comment for years.

Rhubarb and StayFrosty, yes, perhaps you do need to leave the thread as you seem to be taking it very personally and it isn't about you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/07/2011 14:22

I think that some people take real delight when normally slim people gain weight when pregnancy and unfortunately women are often the worst.

Super - if this is symptomatic of mil's behaviour I can understand you not liking her but if possible its worth trying to get on with her.

My mil can be a little tactless but there's never any malice - not sure the same can be said of your mil though.

OldRedEyes · 20/07/2011 14:22

lol just after i had had my baby, some woman says to me, whens your baby due

i just laughed and said i had it last week, her face was a picture. i wouldnt dream of taking offence

FreudianSlipper · 20/07/2011 14:23

sorry my comment was unnecessarily flippant

to hate her that is a lot of feeling to hold on a few comments. how do you see yourself do you see any truth in what she said (not saying there is at all) or do you think she is jsut just bitchy. if this is really about how you see yourself then that needs to be dealt with

if you feel she is jsut bitchy then that is the way she is you can not change her and all this anger is only harming you but you have to let her know you do not want any more comments about your body made as it upsets you

LeQueen · 20/07/2011 14:24

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StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 14:26

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SpottyFrock · 20/07/2011 14:27

I wasn't suggesting she had body issues because she's a size 8. (the op herself mentioned the body issues) I was wondering whether she realised that that was completely irrelevant to the thread. The comment from the MIL was bad but would have been equally as bad if the op was overweight.

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:28

But Blu, some posters have said she sounds self absorbed - how do they justify that?

And yes, some women are unnecessarily cruel when it comes to skinny women, esp mothers. You wouldn't believe some of the comments that were directed at me, by complete strangers! Luckily my mil is also skinny and not at all inconsiderate.

The OP's mil made comments during her pregnancy too don't forget. So it's understandable to be upset that what should have been a happy celebration was soured by one woman who clearly has weight issues herself to keep bringing up her dil's weight.

StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 14:29

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SpottyFrock · 20/07/2011 14:30

I think that some people take real delight when normally slim people gain weight when pregnancy and unfortunately women are often the worst.

Really? I would always just assume a pg woman was gaining weight because she was pregnant. Why on earth would that make someone smug? Confused

FWIW, I don't think the amount, of lack of, weight gained in pregnancy has anything to do with weight and body issues beforehand. I was very toned and fit before, between and after my pregnancies but still put on colossal amounts of weight during.