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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

139 replies

superv1xen · 20/07/2011 13:01

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this Shock then Blush and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

OP posts:
alowVera · 21/07/2011 21:08

OP my mum was just the same, her "I thought you'd had the baby" comment was enough for me to tell her to leave.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 21/07/2011 21:15

Very interesting thread.... I think a lot depends on your relationship with the person before they made the insensitive remark - people you love can say things that might really annoy you if someone you didn't have a good relationship with said the exact same thing, IYSWIM?

Example: Day after DC2 was born, my DB visited me in hospital and wrote stuff on the white board in the room (this is the States: After birth the staff write up some Goals for you - e.g. Go for a walk. Do kegels, etc. I know - MAD isn't the word.... ) Anyway, DB wrote up: Do push ups. Go to a party - stay up late and get drunk! Etc. etc. I thought it was hysterically funny. The nurses thought he was an insensitive twat, and rubbed it off their stupid white board. See? Horses for courses.....

alowVera · 21/07/2011 21:30

OP, are you angry at mil, or are you more frustrated that you didn't say something to her in return at the time?

ScarletOHaHa · 21/07/2011 21:36

YANBU - your MIL must have been in the same position at one stage and you have every right to expect more.

My MIL said (after 49 hour labour and then EMCS) you will be fine in the morning. She had babies naturally but stayed in hospital for 10 days each post birth for her two - as was the practice back then.

I had my baby by EMSC on Mon at 7:00am and left hospital at 8:00am Thur. I had complications and was ill for a long time.

It was the beginning of the end. I just ignore her now - she has no empathy.xx

TastyMuffins · 21/07/2011 21:47

There's a science bit involved here. New mothers in the first days after birth are more likely to remember things they are told that affect them emotionally than many other important things happening at the time. These memories stick around forever.

Most people will have some powerful memories from that time, good or bad of things people have said.

It's to do with the hormones but I'm sorry I don't remember what the process is called.

LadyFlumpalot · 21/07/2011 22:25

I am naturally very slim, and the whole way through my pregnancy people around me delighted in commenting on my weight gain and size increase.

My stock answer was "Yes, but I will give birth and be slim again, you will always be an ignorant cock-monkey/twat/bitch (delete as appropriate)"

God, they hated me when I was back in my size 6 jeans.

OP, you are not being unreasonable to be upset, you were in a vulnerable position and she took the oppurtunity to say something hurtful. If, and I doubt it, but if it was a jokey thing to say then by God, how bloody thick can you be not to realise it would hurt! I do think you should maybe take her aside and just tell her, nicely, that it hurt you. She may have picked up on your dislike and be relieved to know the reason, apologise and you can start afresh. Or, I could just be being very twee and naive here...

takethisonehereforastart · 21/07/2011 23:46

OP I don't think it matters that it was said two years ago.

The timing of it was terrible and I think that makes all the difference.

She made her comments at a time when you felt vulnerable and were struggling.

She may not have known that (and I suspect that the fact that she didn't points to you and her not having the best relationship as it was) but that is not really an excuse.

If you had been in a better place with your own feelings then you might have been able to let this go.

The fact that she hit you when you were down, with one of the issues that you were already struggling with, makes it all the harder to deal with and let go now.

I know, I've been there. My relationship with my PIL's has never been great but up until 2007 I would have called it amicable.

But then we lost our son to stillbirth and less than eleven months later we lost our daughter to prematurity and they made our lives hell.

They took the worst thing that had ever happened to us and treated us and our babies like shit.

My MIL argued with me about the time our son was born, even though she was not there at his birth. She asked when we were trying again, three days after he had been born. She caused an argument before his funeral because DH did not sound happy on the phone. They had tantrums on mothers day and fathers day because we didn't send them cards and couldn't understand why we didn't want to celebrate. They talked about my medical issues with strangers and came up with reasons why I had lost them that weren't true. She told me that our daughter didn't count as their first granddaughter because she was dead. She rang me on our stillborn sons first birthday, which was also six weeks from our daughters birth, to tell me how excited she was that her 'real' first granddaughter was being born by c-section the next day. She asked if our daughter had been born with all of her face or not. There's a whole essay of other things she has done and said to us somewhere on AIBU, so I won't put the rest here now.

I think any one of those things was a good reason never to speak to her again. But for two years I tried to put them behind me. Those things I have put here were spread out over those two years but the comment about our daughter's face was the final straw.

I told them I needed some space away from them (they then moved onto the next street to us) and instead of giving me that space they all but stalked me and made my life a misery. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. They used to park outside or drive past staring at the house. If I went out and they saw me then they would follow me. I would keep all the blinds and curtains closed so they couldn't see in.

I felt like I was going mad. We sold the house and moved but still they managed to drive me to panic attacks. The doctor says I am suffering from delayed, grief-related depression brought on by the stress they have caused me.

What I'm getting at, is that at the time when I was at my most vulnerable, these people were giving me an emotional kicking and it's going to take me a long time to get over it because I am still dealing with the grief and pain and ill health caused by losing my babies.

And yet my PILS can't see that or understand it.

So I can completely understand why your MIL, picking at you and chipping away at your confidence at a time when you were feeling vulnerable, could drive you to hate her two years later from one nasty comment too many.

It doesn't matter if she knew or didn't know how you were feeling. She's been a pregnant woman. Unless she has the skin of a rhino she must know that as well as being a fantastic experience it can be stressful and leave you feeling like an emotional wreck.

Mammster · 22/07/2011 00:16

Bloody hell, if that's the worst thing that your MIL has said to you, you should be thankful. You are way over reacting, and holding a grudge for that long is crazy. I think it's more about your paranoia about your weight, than your MIL. Have some chocolate and let it GO! Life is too short.

Mammster · 22/07/2011 00:38

Please " takethisonehereforastart" my comments were not meant for you. What you have endured from your MIL is truly awful.

AlpinePony · 22/07/2011 06:42

Yabu and very over-sensitive. Of course your mil was an insensitive TWAT but you have 'ishooooos' gal!

Silverbells79 · 22/07/2011 09:45

My FIL,when looking at pictures of me taken 1.5 hours after birth of ds which had followed 30 hours of labour, said "I won't say you're looking rough there, but you look 'tired'". Such insight, I thought(!) But he's a rubbish gd and dad anyway so I was able to laugh about it.

neptunesdaughter · 22/07/2011 10:08

My PILs while insensitve, controlling and generally appalling to me are not half as bad as some of the ones on here.

However the most recent thing, in a long line of insults, is that they refuse to display any photos of DD with me - not even in a family group with my DH. There are pictures of DD on her own, with my DH, with my MIL and FIL and she has just asked for one of my SIL and her husband with her when they came to visit. The last straw was the last time we went round she has a new photo up of my DD and my DH and...wait for it....her! In a family group style picture - when it was taken I have no idea! What would Freud say I wonder...

brass · 22/07/2011 10:30

takethisonehere I'm so sorry for the pain of your loss and the pain caused by your ILs. I hope you continue to recover and find peace and happiness with your own family.

cheesespread · 22/07/2011 10:32

i can totally understand where your coming from

my DS is 15 months now,he was born by EMCS

a week later my abdomen burst,i was put back on maternity ward with my DS,wound was left open for a week packed and cleaned,horrible time i wont bore u with the details but i was treated like shit by some of the staff.

My inlaws came to vist,my BIL was hungover and was half asleep in a chair,he said to my DH that we both looked knackerd (DH was sleepin at the hospital with me ) my DH said well yeh were looking after a new born and were coping with whats happend to the wound,i was also in the middle of having 3 units of blood and intravenus antibiotics,my DH said to BIL your knackerd off the drink its self inflicted at which point my MIL pointed at me and said SO IS HERS,SO IS HERS !! she then tried to take photos of me and when i told her politley to not take my photo she took the huff asking WELL WHATS THE PROBLEM ?

after they left i cried and cried and asked my DH why he didnt say anything to her,he claims he never heard what she said

its not the 1st nasty thing she had said,but i thought this was below the belt and bang out of order

i cant forgive her for saying it

there shit grandparents anyway and have practically nothing to do with my DS

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