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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

139 replies

superv1xen · 20/07/2011 13:01

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this Shock then Blush and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

OP posts:
sprinkles77 · 20/07/2011 15:17

I would be tempted to hang on this kind of nasty comment forever, but I now realise it's not healthy to. Be the bigger person by trying to get past it. If you bring it up you end up looking like you are holding a grudge (which you may well be, I understand why you might). If she continues to make these kind of comments then I see no reason why you should not at least repeat them back to her so she can hear how silly they mean , followed by the phrase "really, did you mean to say that, you came over a bit rude, did you mean to?

exoticfruits · 20/07/2011 15:24

I would just let it go and move on.

brass · 20/07/2011 15:50

those of you that had comments about the size of your bump how would you feel about the first thing your MIL said being 'you can still miscarry'

MissPenteuth · 20/07/2011 15:51

Shock brass

sparkle1977 · 20/07/2011 15:55

I am totally with you superv1xen. I had a very similar thing said to me by my dad's wife (technically my step mum).

They came round to our house to see DS1 about 4 days after his birth. I opened the front door to them on arrival. Wifey looks straight at my stomach and points(!) and says "hahaha I thought you had had the baby, you look like you are still expecting it"....and trudges on in the house.....

Must admit I did not really warm to her when her and my dad got together but got on with her for the sake of my dad. Will NEVER forget that comment.

BalloonSlayer · 20/07/2011 16:05

When I was pg with my last I got really worried because people kept telling me how tiny my bump was. Then it started measuring a bit small so the midwife referred me to the consultant.

I was lying on the couch, he strode in, put one hand on the fundus and proclaimed in that consultanty way: "Absolutely fine!"

Feeling embarrassed at wasting his time, yet paradoxically wanting the appointment to last a bit longer than 0.0001 seconds, I said: "Oh er good, it's just that everyone keeps saying how tiny I am."

His reply: "Even your mother-in-law?"

And the funny thing was that my mother-in-law was wonderful, she loved me and I adored her, and yet she WAS the only person who had said "My goodness Balloonslayer, you ARE a size!"

So I wonder if it's in the Job Description of mothers-in-law, even if they are absolutely lovely.

strictlovingmum · 20/07/2011 16:20

Try not to hate her ,instead pity her, MIL's will come up with a most hateful things, when jealous.
Somebody once told me it has something to do with being past it(childbearing age).
Try and not let the negative feeling consume you, be civil and polite, for the sake of you lovely DC and DH.
Oh and by the way, mine told me and DH when she found out I was pregnant with DD after years of trying and miscarriage and I quote:
"Poor DH (her son), now you will have a one more mouth to feed"
I don't like her, I loathe her, but I have to tolerate her.

TrinaLuciusMalfoy · 20/07/2011 16:22

YANBU OP, I still can't let go of one of the first things my MIL said to me when she came to see us after DD was born. It was a little over a week later (they live 4 hours away and FIL has MS, travelling can't just happen at a minute's notice) and I was still very sore from a long labour and eventual EMCS. DH had just gone to the kitchen to make everyone a cuppa while I stayed in my chair.

Her response? 'You must be shattered after such a long labour'? 'It must be helpful having DH around while you recover'?

No.

'I'll never forget coming down the day after DGD1 (Her other son's daughter and their second grandchild) was born and DDiL was in the kitchen cooking us all dinner'

It was said in such a way that there was no doubt she thought I was slacking. By comparison, my sister in law dropped her baby naturally in under 3 hours, didn't even need pain relief. I have always been the 'inferior' daughter in law since DD was born, as I couldn't do it 'properly'.

HappySeven · 20/07/2011 16:26

Because you are so small normally your bump may have looked bigger to her than on other women and people seem to like to point out to small women that they look huge when pregnant. You admit you have body image issues and this can surprise people when they think you are tiny so perhaps she didn't think anything of saying it. Perhaps she also has body image issues or feels large next to her sylph-like DIL.

I guess I'm saying I don't blame you for being offended but you are being unreasonable to let it colour your relationship with her. We all say things we don't mean sometimes and one day you may do the same to your own daughter or DIL.

strictlovingmum · 20/07/2011 16:27

What worries me the most, I have DS, he get married one day, and have children, hopefully.
Whaaaaaaaaaaat if I turn into her?????????????? NooooooooooooGrin

usualsuspect · 20/07/2011 16:28

yes you will be past it then too

strictlovingmum · 20/07/2011 16:29

Yes I will be!

Pandemoniaa · 20/07/2011 16:41

Hate is a dreadful, destructive emotion. It should not be embraced willingly and should be saved only for people and situations which absolutely cannot be redeemed. That the OP has been brooding over this remark for 2 years is evidence enough of the pervasive and poisonous quality of hate.

I don't think you are at all unreasonable about being upset at what sounds like a truly inappropriate response to the birth of a grandchild and I also know what it is like to have a (former) MIL who had a bee in her bonnet about the fact that I wasn't the size of a house before, during, and shortly after being pregnant. But I didn't let the resentful old bat get to me and certainly didn't waste hate on her.

I realise that we don't know the full history of the OP's MIL but to hate her for a stupid comment that might well have resulted from the emotion of the moment is unreasonable.

Original poster
superv1xen · 21/07/2011 10:12

ok

i have read all the replies, i think hate is a very strong word, i don't hate her, i just dislike her for it

and tbh thats not the only snide comment she has ever made to me, although it was the worst. she leaves me out of conversations whenever we visit, when dh told her i was pg with dd she was negative about it, when he proposed to me she was negative about it, when we hadn't been going out long she got out loads of old photo's of dh and relished in showing me pictures of him with his ex Hmm , she has completely abandoned her other DGD (dh's elder dd from another relationship), doesn't bother with her at all (wtf) i could go on.

but on the other hand, she is a very good grandma to DD, she babysits for her whenever we need her to, she really adores her, she buys her clothes and toys and treats her, i can't fault her there.

but i just get the distinct feeling she doesn't like me, and i will NEVER be good enough for her precious son.

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 21/07/2011 10:59

oh and when she made the comment after i had DD, i had only known her a year!

OP posts:
missorinoco · 21/07/2011 11:09

I can still remember my MIL telling me "Oh look he's a Daddy's boy" when she came to see her one day old grandson. Four years ago and I haven't forgotten it!! No, I don't hate her for it, it was a thoughtless comment, but the fact that I remember it means I have issues.

I think there is so much emotion flying around at the time of your childbirth, especially your first child, that comments like this become part of the memory because they add to the heightened emotion.

(Yes, I did feel like a crap mum if you are wondering, prolonged labour, emergency CS, newborn that screamed whenever I picked him up and I didn't realise it was because he smelled the milk, plus no sleep...) So yes, I recall it due to my issues, but like the OP's it wasn't a helpful comment.

OP, I'm adding it to the list of things not to say to my daughter in law in years to come!

Pin0t · 21/07/2011 11:11

superv1xen My FIL hates me. You just have to rise above it, not sink to their level. Be polite and not worry. You can't please everyone and it says so much more about her than it does about you.

Let it gooooo, man

GwendolenHarleth · 21/07/2011 11:12

Well I think that this sort of comment would not be made by a nice, decent person, so no YANBU

LostInTransmogrification · 21/07/2011 11:36

I don't think YABU, I get the same sort of comments from my DM (my MIL is lovely and the first thing she said when she visited the hospital was 'well done'). I think comments made when you are pregnant or a new mumcan be much more upsetting because it is a very sensitive time for many reasons. I'm slowly being ground down by the comments on my appearance (hair, makeup, weight, clothes) and my housekeeping (I nearly shook her when she ran her finger along the front of my tv cabinet to check for dust). It's sad because it means I want to spend less and less time with her. She (and your MIL) might think they are just speaking the truth but what would the world come to if everyone did that? If I told my DM exactly what I thought I'm sure she would be most upset! You have my sympathy.

Adversecamber · 21/07/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinaLuciusMalfoy · 21/07/2011 12:08

Wow, adverse... Some people just are walking adverts for foot in mouth disease aren't they?

Original poster
superv1xen · 21/07/2011 19:08

oh adverse :( and Shock insensitive cow.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/07/2011 20:37

Do none of you every say anything and wish you could take it back!? Maybe some of these women are hateful but maybe some of them make genuinely daft comments they don't know offend.

Someone's comments can only hurt you if you are able to be hurt. Happiness comes from within and all that!

MynameisnotEarl · 21/07/2011 21:00

She has made some crass and insensitive comments. Please don't eat yourself up stressing over them - she isn't worth it. Try to let them go over your head.

Visiting me after I'd given birth to my DS, a "friend" said to me, "Now all you have to do is lose some weight and buy some nice clothes." Charming.

I felt a bit hurt, but I knew I didn't look my best - who does after having a baby?

janajos · 21/07/2011 21:04

Well my MIL brought photos of my DH as a baby 'to check that DS was really her grandchild' when she saw him for the first time.

Beat that!