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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate MIL for this ONE comment she made over 2 years ago, i think i will never like her because of it

139 replies

superv1xen · 20/07/2011 13:01

picture the scene

18 hours after giving birth to her granddaughter by caesarean, i am sitting on my hospital bed with dh proudly holding our new dd

she comes to visit and before she even LOOKS at her new DGD she glances at my (naturally) still pg-looking tummy and remarks "god you've got a bit of weight to lose there aint you girl!!!"

i was mortified and just wanted to punch her (i didn't) my face looked just like this Shock then Blush and then DH quickly changed the subject. i still to this day wish i had laid into the thoughtless twat.

when i was pg i had quite a tiny bump, to the extent i had to have extra scans to check DD was ok, yet whenever she saw me she commented on how "HUGE" i was when i absolutely wasn't. also i had suffered throughout my pg with antenatal depression and body image issues (which fair enough she wouldn't have known about) and that was the absolute last thing i needed to hear :(

as it happens i got back into my usual size 8 within a couple of weeks but that was mainly because i didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because of the above :(

but when i remember dd's birth i still remember that moment and it still upsets me. and i will NEVER like her because of this. dh knows i don't really like her but doesn't know why as he would think i was mad.

aibu? and mad?

OP posts:
OriginalPoster · 20/07/2011 13:22

What bibbity said. Just be glad that you're not her, stuck with her lack of ability to empathsise with people.

ClareinFrance · 20/07/2011 13:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would feel as you do. What a cruel and pointless and unnecessary thing to say to someone who had just given birth.
I agree with others that it sounds as if she has her own insecurity issues but, regardless, I would find it very hard ever to like someone again after they did that to me!

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 13:25

Agree with Rhubarb

eurochick · 20/07/2011 13:25

yanbu.

I still have "ishooos" with my MIL. Me and my now husband had a bit of an off and on relationship for the first few years. At his brother's wedding we had just got back together after a break because he wouldn't commit. His brother was marrying a girl he had known for less than a year and is several years younger than me. Me and my now husband had been together for about 5 years at the time. Unfortunately, my SIL and I share a first name.

At the wedding MIL was babbling on inanely about us having the same name and said "I've decided she's [common name]1 and you're [common name]2 now they're married."

I had a shitfit (not to her face) about being relegated because I got commitment-phobe brother.

I am pleasant with her but I haven't forgiven her for trying to rank her daughters in law!

LadyLibra · 20/07/2011 13:26

I can sympathize...

My MIL ,in seeing her precious new grand -daughter said to my DH ...

"Wow, think how old you are going to be when she graduates"

Just because my DH had her at 49!

mymummyisasquarehead · 20/07/2011 13:29

One off comment, albeit quite thoughtless! Tbh, I think it's time to move on

FreudianSlipper · 20/07/2011 13:30

when my friend came round about 3 days after i had ds (c-section) she laughed when i opened the door and said i thought you had had him

it was a passing comment, we both laughed, it was funny as i looked pregnant still, a few days later she could not beleive my bump had gone and asked when did i have a tummy tuck

lighten up really you are just a tad self absorbed over a big of extra weight that you have since lost

Dozer · 20/07/2011 13:32

yabu. Get over it for your dh's sake.

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 13:34

I really don't think the OP is "self absorbed"

I'm pretty sure that if the OP could simply "lighten up" or get over this, then she wouldn't have bothered to post asking for opinions on here Hmm

mtw · 20/07/2011 13:35

beyond rude and what a disgusting way to greet a new mother. no way would i ever forget that. WHO says that??? No, I would be just like you.

Tollund · 20/07/2011 13:35

YANBU - It's clearly not just one comment, she carried on through your pregnancy about your weight, which whether you put on 10 stone or 2lbs is not what a nice person does.

Has she continued to put you down in the last two years?

cherryteat · 20/07/2011 13:36

ugh what is it with these people? I was disabled and wheelchair bound thru my first pregnancy, didn't recover after giving birth was unable to exercise & was bfing, and Every,SINGLE time saw MIL she said 'have you lost any weight yet?
a few days after giving birth I suffered horrible water retention and my whole body bloated up so as well as being unable to move around independently I was also suffering carpal tunnel syndrome. My own mum sweetly remarked that I 'look like a reached whale'.
And now I'm pregs agin, not having shaken off the last ppregnancy weight I am 3 stone larger than last time, and my little sister keeps saying 'it's such a shame that you put on all that weight, you were so slim'
It could be enough to give someone a complex but I'm trying to rise above it!!
Probably not helpful OP but another illustration of how insensitive people can be!

usualsuspect · 20/07/2011 13:39

And some peoples opinions are that she should move on from it

why spend your life being bitter over a few thoughtless comments?

StayFrosty · 20/07/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 20/07/2011 13:40

i totally understand OP. my inlaws live abroad and hadn't seen me since we announced the pregnancy until they came to visit when i was around the 7 month mark.

I am tall and had a very small bump to begin with, i even had clients when i was 6 months or so who still didn't know i was pregnant. EVERYONE said i was really really neat, and it was all bump nothing else, from behind i looked exactly the same. (Even my "call a spade a spade" friends said so).

First thing FIL said when i came in the door (before even saying hello or how are you DIL?) was "goodness, you are HUGE aren't you?" Angry

I have to say, it REALLY put me off him as a person and DS is now 5! I mean, i get on ok with him etc but there is something about pregnancy/birth, esp your first, that you are in new territory, its scary, i for one was certainly oversensitive and hormonal, and that comment just STUCK with me for some reason. so OP i can understand. Not sure if we are both NBU or are BU but i understand!! Smile

memphis83 · 20/07/2011 13:42

I dont know why MIL's feel the need to say this type of thing!
During my pg I lost an ectopic twin, was in and out of hospital throughout, had to have keyhole surgery at 28 weeks amongst other things, then my MIL said oh the next one will be easier, no two pg's are the same, I replied with I'm not going through all this again.
Because I said I'm not going through this again she hates me, tells all who will listen that she does including DH as according to her I'm selfish as it isnt just my decision, its down to DH if he wants me to have his child again Shock DH obviously told her straight that its my body so my decision.
I have since during a conversation with her said if she wants another GC to tell DH to leave me, which she went on to do!

SpottyFrock · 20/07/2011 13:54

I think the issue is more to do with when she said it rather than what she said. Yes, it was rude and unacceptable but I think you've hung onto it because of when it happened. I know that unpleasant things that happened at or around the birth of my DCs seem to have stuck in my mind. I think its because I was at my most vurnerable and emotional whereas if they'd happened at another time I would have ignored them.

You do need to try and move on though. You also need to stop equating small bump/tiny weight gain with being virtuous. Pregnancy does all sorts of things to the body and different women react differently. I've had 3 and was enormous each time putting on just short of 4stone. But that was because when I'm pregnant if I dont stuff my face constantly with carbs I'm violently sick all the way through. I tend to look huge for the first month or so but have managed to lose it all each time with a mixture of diet, exercise and Bfeeding. I'm mentioning this because the fact that you weren't big really has no bearing on the comments she made. They were unacceptable regardless. You would not have received different comments on here had you been a size 16.

Improve you're own self-esteem with regards your body and try to see the comment for what it was; tactless and rude.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/07/2011 13:55

I think it's a bit inaccurate to say it's the one comment you can't forgive as her pre birth comments were none too kind either and I doubt she's had a complete personality transplant yet, so I would imagine she continually niggles (not enough to pull her up on but under the radar), but every niggle brings the comment back fresh as if she's only just said it?

MsGee · 20/07/2011 14:01

My MIL used to say a lot of ill judged things (and probably will in the future) and I stored them all up in my list of things I didn't like about her.

When we went through a traumatic time recently she was amazing though, so I am wiping the slate clean Smile. No doubt she will piss me off in the future but I realised that she is just tactless and a bit self centred ... but when it really matters, she is prepared to drop everything to support her family. On that basis I can deal with a few tactless comments.

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:02

I wonder why, because she mentioned that she had a small bump and went back to a size 8 (to illustrate that her mil had no grounds for such remarks) people now assume she has weight issues of her own and is even being self-virtuous?

I wonder this because I often get accused of this myself. I'm a size 8 bordering on a size 6 and always have been. I had a small bump and lost all my pregnancy weight within a few weeks and I had a few nasty remarks as a result, with people accusing me of not eating or damaging my body through losing so much weight so quickly. I was judged as one of these body obsessed mums which was not true at all and far from bringing the subject up myself, it was very often raised for me, sometimes by complete strangers who felt they had the right to make nasty comments about me and my weight.

A woman is more than her weight, regardless of whether she is overweight or skinny and both bring their own sets of problems anyway.

Sandalwood · 20/07/2011 14:07

Size 8, with a tiny bump? Envy

Are you sure she wasn't saying it because it was SO not true? And was trying to have a joke with you.

hester · 20/07/2011 14:09

I have no idea whether YABU to not like your MIL.

I do worry about how much you like yourself, though - it's your self esteem and body issues that are important here, not a stupid comment from a tactless woman.

Bramshott · 20/07/2011 14:11

If she is usually nice, are you sure it wasn't just one of those 'open mouth, insert foot' moments?! If you are not used to being around newly-delivered women in can be quite a shock that they still look pregnant once the baby is out!

thinNigella · 20/07/2011 14:11

She is very very jealous. You are very lucky to be size 8, bet she'd like to be too.

Don't worry about it. You're the one with a great kid and a great figure, let her worry about her own stuff.

Yes, she was thoughtless, ignorant, self centred, rude. But if she's spent the 2 years since being jind, considerate and loving, it probably makes for it. Forgive, and move on even if you can't forget. There are far worse things in life to worry about. I'd like to be size 8 too, what's the secret :)

TheRhubarb · 20/07/2011 14:12

Another one hester! Really? Am I missing something? I may have to hide this thread now, I'm getting quite annoyed on behalf of the OP!

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