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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

173 replies

choceyes · 18/07/2011 15:56

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

OP posts:

chunkythighs · 19/07/2011 21:16

Glad to hear the visit went well choc

HansieMom · 19/07/2011 22:10

I do wonder why the DH didn't get off his butt and attend to the two year old when the wife had been through a root canal that day.

JetLi · 19/07/2011 22:26

TSC - I'll join you on that support thread

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 22:52

Instead of talking to his collegues, your DH should have talked to you, and encourage you to seek help and supported you. I would feel mightly pissed off at him tbh

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 22:54

Where is that support thread TSC can I join now!

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 22:54

My ASD, dev delayed dd has been a real handful today, and I am 14 weeks pg

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/07/2011 23:22

For all the concern allegedly shown by your dh and his colleague, from what you've said, it doesn't seem as if your dh took time off work to be present when the HV visited

TheSecondComing · 19/07/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conchita · 19/07/2011 23:39

Glad the HV took a sensible, rational view and that you are getting help you need for your frustration and possible PND. You sound like a v loving mum at the end of her tether. You clearly don't have the alleged 'anger issues' that you are being accused of, given that you have tolerated some incredibly sanctimonious, judgy and downright mean comments without once getting defensive or angry. Mums are wired to be fiercely protective of their babies even if the threat is your own toddler, and it's hard to be calm in the heat of a moment where your baby seems to be at risk. wishing you all the best

honeyandsalt · 19/07/2011 23:51

Glad it went so well with the HV! You sound like a great mum, just really stressed. It sounds to me like you're in a bit of a pressure-cooker of a situation. Maybe Homestart could help? Also, this book made a lot of sense to me.

I think you and the kids would benefit from you having a few hours off each week to go swimming or to an excercise class or painting or whatever you like. And y'all might benefit from a nice long walk while you have a chat with DH and explain your feelings of hurt and betrayal and general problems with the family.

Anyway that's just my two cents, but you sound like a great mum going through a tough time to me, I think going back to work will help and I hope things get better soon.

pingu2209 · 20/07/2011 00:24

A few years back I had a 5 month old, a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 1/2 year old. The oldest are boys. IMHO practically every day I had to manhandle with a degree of force one of the boys. Either to make him do something or stop him doing something. This is parenting; not the best side of parenting, but parenting none the less.

I accidentally injured my sons ear when I was fighting with him to get him into his car seat. I have also accidentally dropped my son when he was having such a hissy fit that he wriggled and screamed out of my arms.

It is not abuse, it is a bloody difficult situation that all parents I know go through at least once a week with a toddler; if only due to tiredness.

I think your husband spoke to a colleague without really thinking through what the colleague would do with the information. How many times have any of us spoken to friends/colleagues about our spouces/partners and their parenting styles/ability. I know I have.

Your husband has set the hares running, most likely unintentionally.

Has he said he is sorry for getting social services involved, albeit indirectly?

I would be bloody furious with my husband and would list to him (not social services) all the stupid and accidental things he has done that either did or did not end up with my child getting hurt slightly.

TillyIpswitch · 20/07/2011 00:32

Choc - I'm so glad it went well and you feel better about it all. :)

HighBrows · 20/07/2011 02:18

Really pleased all went well today.

I too have been that solider and am somewhat glad mine are a bit older so a bit more 'reasonable' to deal with, however they still need to be a little manhandled on occasion but I'm not sleep deprived and they are fairly self sufficient.

There is 14 months between my youngest two kids and I swear the first 3 years of their lives is a total blur to me.

I'm glad you are heading back to work as this will give you much needed respite from dealing with two small kids daily.

The very best of luck to you and you are not a terrible monster of a mother.

Thornykate · 20/07/2011 02:51

Glad it went well OP.

Pressure does funny things to people & I believe everyone had their limits to lose their temper. Blessed are those who have never been pushed far enough to reach their own limits. Yet.

I actually think you must be an incredibly forgiving & tolerant woman as if my DP saw fit to run to another person to cast aspersions on my parenting of our children BEFORE he had made every attempt to sort it out with me I don't think I could forgive him. But it's good that you are moving beyond all that. I wish you & your family all the best for the future together

TheOldestCat · 20/07/2011 07:06

So glad it went well. You are not alone! Can't type more as have to get ready for work but just wanted to add my support.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/07/2011 18:14

Delighted to hear it went well!

missorinoco · 20/07/2011 20:29

Choceyes, just posted and long waffley comment of support then killed it accidentally. As Thornykate says, on all fronts.

Best of luck.

Blu · 20/07/2011 22:26

choceyes, you write as if you have had a weight lifted from you.
The very best of luck - you will do OK - and well done!

Original poster

choceyes · 21/07/2011 10:12

Thanks you everyone for the comments of support!

Yes things are better now. I have been at work a few days now and DH has been looking after the kids for a couple of days now. Would you believe it they have been angels for him and mostly slept in the afternoons that I worked. They slept together for 2 hours both days and he has been going clothes shopping and meeting up with friends etc. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! So not fair!

I will check out that thread, thanks TSC!

OP posts:

missorinoco · 21/07/2011 10:58

They will act up soon for him. Wait til the honeymoon period is over.....

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 21/07/2011 13:22

Yeah it's the novelty, it will wear off.

Do you want them to sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon? I'm probably being a bit mean, but if it's in any way affecting their (particularly the older ones) sleep at night, then I would tell him to knock that on the head. He would be getting an easier time if hes getting an afternoon nap every day! Is he still getting all the housework done that needs doing everyday? Another reason for him not to sleep in the afternoon. If he's getting a full night's sleep he doesn't need to sleep in the day, make a list of all the jobs that need doing

natandjacob · 21/07/2011 13:34

really dont agree with pushing your sun when he hits your daughter but i do understand how you can get to that position after a tough time. if possible you need some time to relax and gather your thoughts. children can be such hard work and i know at times you just feel like banging your head against a brick wall but hurting your child is not the answer whether its out of anger or not. next time he hurts your daughter take a deep breath and count to 10 and then act. i always find its easier to get through a tough day if you know you have wine and a hot bath to look forward to, just count down the hours!

hope things work out well for you. you have no reason to be worried about the visit if you know this was a one off due to stressful times

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 21/07/2011 13:46

Visit has come and gone nat

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