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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

173 replies

choceyes · 18/07/2011 15:56

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

OP posts:
hellospoon · 18/07/2011 18:42

If you can't discipline without pushing and shouting then yes you really need to get some help and your dh has done you a huge favour, we all have our breaking points where we just cannot take anymore from our kids but it sounds like you are this way all the time.

You need to change tact, if your ds isn't responding to shouting and being hurt go the total opposite, calm but firm, go super nanny style on him if you have to but you need to regain control of your family and you need to do it sharpish as if not then social services will certainly enforce it onto you.

There is no shame in asking for help and there is no harm in holding up your hands and saying you know what I can't do this I am not coping.

We have all done it and there is no shame atall.

SauvignonBlanche · 18/07/2011 18:44

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.
Try and see the HV's involvement in a positive way in that you may get help and advice for all your family's sake.

Good Luck!

maristella · 18/07/2011 18:54

You could ask the HV where you can access a triple p course, where you get ideas on how to cope with children. Alot of the info you will already know, but at triple p you get to find strategies that work for you and your children

iamnotsuperwoman · 18/07/2011 18:56

I was going to say the same as sauvignionblanc- treat this as a positive intervention. Show the HV how much you love your kids and ask for some support in dealing with your toddler's behaviour. This should help your stress levels and calmness should reign once more.

A playpen is a good idea, somewhere to put either child away from the other to give you a breather. It can take time for a toddler to adapt to a new baby.

Do you get out much or have any 'mummy-friends' you can spend time with? It is not good being home alone with small children all day. Good luck.

Original poster
choceyes · 18/07/2011 19:09

Bumwipe - ofcourse I know I was out of line. I said so repeatadly if you read my posts.

DH doesn't want to get a play pen cos our house is so small. A friend has offered to give me one, but DH says there is no room, and i agree too. Besides I doubt very uch DD would sit in it. she just wants to crawl around.

DH had no qualms leaving me with them the next day. He knew it was an accident. Infact, last week even when I was ill (I had travlled up from my parents in London and was feelign very travelsick and exhuasted with travellign with the kids all day), he wanted to go to his work end of term do and thought I can manage on my own. I put my foot down and told him to come home.

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 18/07/2011 19:12

We did talk about it afterwards and I thought he kenw it was an accident.

he was actually quite apologetic when he told me what happened with his collegue. i went to my parents for the week after (already planned in advance), and he kept telling me he was sorry for the way things turned out.

He says that I do need help with how i deal with my anger and dealing with DS, but as I am a good mother in other ways, he did not want to go to SS himself and wouldn't do that.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 19:14

OMG why is the poster getting such a hard time?! Shock

I wonder who here can really hand on heart say they have never lost it with their kids?

The fact that you feel so bad about hurting him accidently shows IMO how badly you feel.

Your friends colleague was extremely over zealous and interferring IMO - and I work in Child Protection.

Maybe your OH should have seen how stredded/unwell you were feeling and dealt with your DS himself rather than moaning to colleagues about it.

You sound like a lovely mum who just needs a break. Tell the Health visitor that tomorrow and ask your OH to take them out on the weekend to give you time out from them.

slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 19:14

Sorry OH's colleague....

Blu · 18/07/2011 19:20

"OMG why is the poster getting such a hard time?!
"

because unfortunately she chose the AIBU board.

Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 19:23

OP-You were ill, your DH should of took over while you were resting.

I don't believe that your DH was told the DC's would be put on the at risk register (it doesn't exsist). If it was believed that the child was a 'substantial risk of harm', section 47 Children Act then a CP SW would be at your door. An investyigation has not been started, the HV is weighing up the situation, be honest with her.

However, your DH seems to be worried, do not dismiss this it was my DH that picked up on my Post Natal Depression.

See what is said and take it from there, you have nothing to fear, you need support and your DH should be the one to be doing this. If he cannot perhaps 'Homestart' or the HV may get you a nursery place.

Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 19:25

Slightly- you cannot judge the collegue, we don't know what was said and if the collegue is in a certain occupation, then as you know you, are obilgied to report any incidence of harm to a vunerable person.

Blu · 18/07/2011 19:26

Choceyes, you do know why he deiberately hurts your dd, don't you?
It is because inside he is desparate every time he sees you give her attention. he was probably anguished because you were helping her with her food - he's very young, he simply can't help his jealousy and sense of 'I must protect me'. And when you then get cross with him and reject him, he feels even MORE desparate for your attention, even to the point of wanting you to be cross with him. Having you be cross but focussed on him is better than seeing you look after the baby. It's utterly natural and normal - seeing a parent pay attention to a new baby can cause an older child to panic.

Talk this through with the HV - but think of ways to give him one- to-one attention, maybe when your dd is having a nap.

Penelope Leach advises involving older children in the care of younger ones (to a point,, obv!) and suggests saying things like 'oh no, what a nuisance the baby is'...though not, presumably once the baby can understand - which you must be v close to now.

Original poster
choceyes · 18/07/2011 20:01

Blu - Oh yes I know that he is wanting attention and he wants my undivided attention and is jealous of his sister. I feel so bad about it that I can't give him this attention. He is my baby boy, my firstborn and I don't WANT to reject him, I love spending time with him (it's both of them together that i find difficult) as he is such an interesting and rewarding child to be with.
I do spend quality time with him. Even when really i should be resting at the weekends or if DD is alseep, I always chose to spend time with him rather than time on my own relaxing. So even at the weekends, i don't getmuch time to myself. I'd rather that than not spend any time with DS.

Thanks you Secondcoming for your understanding too, and others too.

OP posts:
fairybaby · 18/07/2011 20:05

I totally understand you being hurt with your husband, but could it be a misplaced sense of guilt and anger with yourself? OP, this could be a turnaround point, maybe it had to get to this so you are "forced" to get help.

Take the opportunity and do this for your children, they deserve it. Also, could you have yourself had parents or close relatives with anger issues and has this affected you? I am only asking this because this is what happened to me. You too can change, but you will need professional help. What you need is support, not more anger from other people in MN.

Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 20:08

OP they are not babies forever and phases pass, so don't feel despondant. You are not rejecting him, you cannot split yourself in two.

You sound as though you are doing your best, it is tough at times.

Your DH needs to be on board.

TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sewmuchtodo · 18/07/2011 20:54

"I have to save my daughter" .... and someone has to do the same for your son.

You have no right to feel hard done by, regardelss of how hard you are finding parenthood it is your job (and responsibility) to ask for help. You have known that you need help and failed to ask for it. Take this opportunity now and really try.

You may give your DS hugs, kisses, read etc but that does not make up for the pushing, temper and unstable nature that you currently have. He is probably one very confused little boy.

A playpen folds up, and it would do you no harm to be tight on space until you can handle the kids together.

ledkr · 18/07/2011 21:16

Posting in AIBU may be more likely to become heated but it doesnt mean that the poster has to get ahard time I aggree with the second coming in that anyone who can honestly say they have never lost their temper with their children is probably not being entirely truthful.
The issue is how the dh responded to it and the fallout and whether the op is being 100% truthfull about what actually happened.In the last few months i have had a few strops and meltdowns with my incredible non sleeping baby and stropped off downstairs,dh knows that im tired and fed up and responds by taking over for a few nights and making sure i eat and sleep well,however if for one moment he felt i was a danger to the children he would step in in whatever way was necessary to protect them.Maybe o['s dh has a different view of what happened.

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 21:22

I would try and see it as a positive thing that you will get some help to deal with your kids without pushing them which isn't ideal by anyone's standards.
I was with you until I got to the end of the OP as I think the hall incident sounded like a geniune accident but the pushing isn't normal or acceptable and hopefully you'll get some good strategies to use instead.

ilovepesto · 18/07/2011 21:33

OMG - You are all completely mental!!!!!!

TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mauricetinkler · 18/07/2011 21:39

For me, your hub is totally out or order taking a private family matter to work - wtf was he thinking?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 21:39

Gosh, it's hard to breathe in here for the preachiness.

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 21:42

I just LOVE the drama queens on this thread!!! Getting frustrated with your child is not abuse- Take this as someone who has spent 10 years looking after some of the most abused children in the country.

The OP is a tired and stressed mother who despite doing her best has lost it..........(I too am human).

My advise is to be honest with the HV, take on board her advice and get your damn husband to help you out when you are sick! Has he ever had to cope with both children for the day when he was sick? Hmm