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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

173 replies

choceyes · 18/07/2011 15:56

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

OP posts:
frantic51 · 18/07/2011 16:55

x post with spooks Smile

eurochick · 18/07/2011 16:57

I was wondering that, Frantic. He was throwing cutlery around, she had just had a root canal and yet she was the one who had to deal with the toddler?

Caan · 18/07/2011 17:08

I'm sure it would have been oohd helpful if the op's partner had got off his arse and sorted out his toddler when it became obvious she was at the end of her tether.

how worried is he exactly? I assume you are still the main carer? he isn't worried enough to stop you looking after them?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 17:11

Put your resentment to one side and concentrate on the fact that you are going to get help a lot quicker than if you had gone to your GP for referral to another agency.

I agree with Fabby that adults should not push children unless they are pushing them out of the way of a moving vehicle/falling object or other danger.

My concen is, that while you are going to get the help you need, another child may continue to suffer because of their parent's lack of control: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1261412-to-want-him-to-suffer-badly

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/07/2011 17:13

How very bizarre.

And I find it hard to believe the colleague 'had' to report it because he's a teacher and has nothing to do with the children. He may have chosen to though based on what your DH told him which I suspect was more than you've said here.

Most of us have lost our tempers at some poing but the key thing is knowing when thats going to happen and removing yourself from the situation - and like others am a bit surprised that your DH didn't help.

But I've lived with someone with a horrid temper and its awful for everyone so can understand why your DH thinks it needs sorting if its spilling over into violence.

I hope you get the help you need.

TheRealTillyMinto · 18/07/2011 17:21

choceyes do you think that maybe your DH was worried about you? (as oppossed to worried about you harming the kids?)

i have read you description and i dont think it is clear what happened.

did he even see what happened? i wonder if you are having a hard time but you were really upset so he assumed worse than happened/is worried about you?

hellospoon · 18/07/2011 17:32

So you have pushed your son around and you feel betrayed by your husband because he is concerned. Yabvu

Quite frankly I think social service need to be involved to support you with the troubles you are having with your anger and parenting, what will the excuse be when you hit him to hard? That you didn't mean it? Not good enough, no child deserves to be hit and you need to sort your anger out immediately.

spookshowangel · 18/07/2011 17:36

choc please ignore the child abuser doom sayers.

Laquitar · 18/07/2011 17:43

Oh fgs how concerned was he that he just stayed on his chair continuing eating his dinner?
Was the stake so yummy?

If i was 'concerned' about my child being 'abused' i would have jumped up! And i wouldn't even go to work next day!

Laquitar · 18/07/2011 17:44

steak

NRGless · 18/07/2011 17:45

OP I am actually feeling for you a bit........you clearly have issues that you were going to tackle before this blew up but this has acted as a catalyst in the worst way possible, had you gone to the GP sooner there would be no need for SS to be involved at all as this is an easily sorted problem.
I find it incredibly hard to believe that your DH's colleague 'had' to report this and I doubt very much if this was the reaction your DH was expecting either. This colleague appears to have gone totally OTT on this and to have a child put on an at risk register takes many many meetings and assessments with much more paperwork (I am a healthcare professional who has first hand experience of these things) so to be told that that will happen should you refuse to talk to anyone is completely false.
What does concern me is that said husband felt the need to talk to somebody else in the first place.....was your relationship in a dire state before this happened? And why the hell did he not step in and help when the situation kicked off?
There are always discrepencies between both parents with tolerence levels but it is always ideal to show a united front until you can talk about it later.
Also, JOOI, where does this leave your husbands job? Surely as a teacher he can't teach with a child on the at risk register? He really has shot himself in the foot by talking to someone other than you hasn't he!!?

Original poster
choceyes · 18/07/2011 17:47

DH didn't see what happened. I don't know whether he thinks I delibaretly pushed Ds against the pushchair.

DH was trying to discipline him. Usually i stay out of it if DH is doing the dsiciplining, but I don't know what happened to me that day. I should have just walked away. but I was helping DD with her food too, so I felt I couldn't.

I am not coping being a mother. I don't enjoy looking after them most of the time. We don't have any family help either.

I have gone back to work 3 days a week from last week. I'm hoping this will help my sanity.

For those who said I shouldn't push DS when he was hurting DD. I genuinely would like to know who else I could prevent him from doing this. I have picked up DD out of harms way counteless times in a day, told DS off, shouted at him and he still won't listen. My heart went out to DD when she was getting hurt again and I thought enough is enough, I have to save my daughter. As a mother that was my instinctive reaction. And DS was delibately hurting her.

OP posts:
TheRealTillyMinto · 18/07/2011 17:50

I am with spookshowangel.

I cannot see you say where you pushed your DS!

I remember by parents being obviously angry when I was little, never did me any harm Grin

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 17:52

But if he doesn't think you deliberately pushed your son against the pushchair, why is he so angry about what happened?

Didn't you guys talk about it at all after it happened?

I know if either DH or I doesn't deal with something well, the other normally brings it up afterwards when we are alone. Not in an accusatory way, but to offer a little support and maybe suggestions for how to do it better next time.

BumWiper · 18/07/2011 17:54

I am gobsmacked at this post.Take the help OP you very much need it.You have gone way over the line and yet you can't see that and question your DH loyality to you.Your anger must be terrifying for your children to experience.

And buy a playpen for DD so your DS can't hurt her.

penguin73 · 18/07/2011 17:56

Your husband has seen you act aggressively towards your children on a number of occasions and, by your own admission, you have temper issues. He will undoubtedly be concerned about what he doesn't see when he is at work and you are alone with them, also concerned that you are struggling to cope. I think, although the way this has come about is far from ideal, you need to try to grab this opportunity to get the help that you need and try to see that, when caught between a rock and a hard place, he has put the children's safety first. I doubt this is the outcome he wanted - otherwise he would have made the call himself - but try not to hate him for being worried about his children's safety.

Laquitar · 18/07/2011 17:56

Ok. So he was trying to deal with him but he took him in the hallway.

Who took ds back? What was the dialogue then?

Laquitar · 18/07/2011 17:57

sorry. you took ds in the hallway

hairfullofsnakes · 18/07/2011 18:00

I'm sorry but you cannot justify pushing your boy. Put him on the naughty step for time out, take treats away and tell
Him off but you should not push him.

BumWiper · 18/07/2011 18:05

When I feel myself getting angry I go into the porch and eat chocolate take time out.Count to a hundred if I need to.

TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/07/2011 18:09

OP, you need help. You need help with your anger (and possible depression) and you need help with your parenting style. The HV will be the first step in getting this help. It is good that this is happening, it doesn't matter how it came about.

BrianAndHisBalls · 18/07/2011 18:29

TheRealTillyMinto - erm here:

choceyes Mon 18-Jul-11 16:32:35
As for pushing him, it's only happened a couple of times and I couldn't sit around and watch him hurting DD, she doesn't deserve that. The pushing only happened when I was at the end of my tether with him and he has been doing that all day and nothing else had worked.

and here:

choceyes Mon 18-Jul-11 16:39:07
Pushing I mean as in grabbing hold of him and shoving him off his sister. Can't remember if he fell over or not.

BumWiper · 18/07/2011 18:32

Buy a playpen OP

TheOriginalFAB · 18/07/2011 18:40

I can see why you are so angry with your husband but turn it around and be glad he is so in love with his children that he wants to protect them.

When the HV comes round try not to be defensive. You can explain very calmly why you reacted the way you did without it seeming like an excuse.

Many of us have lost our tempers with our children and it is a very hard and relentless "job." Some people sail through it and never have any problems, some don't. Some also have to cope with PND at the same time.