to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

[choceyes]

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

I do admit I have anger issues. I am quick to lose my temper if it has been a bad day.

The irony is that I was actually going to see the GP or health visitor myself to see if I have PND and if they could recommend me a parenting class or if I could have some therapy for my being short tempered.

I just feel like I have been blackmailed into having to go through this and talk to HVs/SS, rather than me approaching them.

I'm not saying I don't need help. I am saying I don't want to be blackmailed like this. I am only human and it is soo tough looking after the 2 kids.

How is your relationship with your DH in general?

Is he supportive?

Pushing I mean as in grabbing hold of him and shoving him off his sister. Can't remember if he fell over or not.

Choceyes, those early days are tough. Tell them the truth (now they are coming around) that you were going to seek help anyway from the GP or HV as you feel at your wit's end with toddlers sometimes. I know it puts you on the back foot (and I would be very annoyed about this) however, you are on it now, so may as well get the help you wanted anyway.

My relationship with DH is at rock bottom since this came about.
He is a supportive parent, but lacks any empathy or sympathy for me when I am finding it tough. For this I loath him.

YOu should not be pushing your child under any circumstances, the way I see it it is only going to get worse, you are taking your anger out on your children, and you need to be forced to get help.

You clearly are not coping.

YOu do not push a child, you pick them up and move them.

He didn't know that his collegue was going to report it. Apprently this collegue was also upset at "having" to report it but was legally obliged to apparently as a teacher.

You loathe him because he questions your parenting style? Because he will not let you manhandle your children? Jeeez lady you do need help.

Yes I know all this Fabbychic, what I did was not on. I have beaten myself up about it over and over again. I know I am not coping, I know that. and I need help, yes I do.

but it's the way it's all turned out that I feel hard done by,

think of it from your kids POV

i bet they are overjoyed there is a possibility their mum might get help and stop shouting and pushing them around

I'm with allinabinbag and bootymum.

FFS I'm so very pleased for the rest of you that you live such perfect lives with perfectly behaved angel children and no other stresses that you are always able to parent absolutely impecably. Some of the rest of us are not totally perfect and do over react, lose our rag, and occassionally accidentally hurt our children. That doesn't make us child abusers and I would also feel very betrayed if dh did this rather than discussing his concerns with me.

But I second the others who say use this as a positive opportunity to access help. Your hv is not about to rush in and take your children away without a lot more cause for concern than this. That is absolutely the last resort and there is NOTHING in your op that suggests your children are genuinely at risk.

I have 2 boys 20 months apart and it is f*cking tough when they are little. It DOES get better and now they are lovely little pals who mostly play nicely and think the world of each other. Things WILL get better - if you are finding it hard there is no shame in admitting this, either here or to your hv.

Good luck x

Never thought I'd say this but I agree with Fabbychic. What on earth are you thinking op?? You don't push children! Take this chance to get the help you need.

You feel hard done by because of the way things have turned out? Would you rather it have gone so far that you actually hurt your children badly before your behaviour was pulled upon?

You cannot treat children the way you have been treating them, you sound sorry for yourself, violence begets violence pushing is violence, your son would pick that up from you and start pushing others.

Lady you need help NOW now when it suited you.

Yellow - she didn't just hurt him accidently, she admitted she pushes him too! It is NOT normal to push your children.

If it makes me perfect that I don't push my children or manhandle them 'roughly' then I'm perfect and so, I imagine, are 99.9% of people on here.

"I do admit I have anger issues." Which translated means that you physically lash out at people including your own little children.

For your husband to mention it and a friend to report it i very much doubt whether its an isolated incident. For your toddler to be unbothered by the injury probably means he is used to it.

If you know you have an anger management problem and you were planning to got to the doctors for help anyway, what does it matter how it came about, for heavens sake? This sounds like the wake up call you needed.

OK - stick with the thoughth that you did know you needed help coping.

Neither needing help nor not coping are bad things - as long as you do the right thing now and be open that you do need support. It was a car crash of out of control circumstances that led to the HV making the forst move - your DH was caring enough about YOU and about your kids to discuss his concerns with a friend (and most MN-ers would do that - possibly over MN) - and didn't realise that his friend has a duty of care to passs on the knowledge.

Don't blame your DH - he was undoubtedly acting out of concern. Don't balme the collegue - he acted as his professional protocol directs, and don't blame the HV - they are responding, and fast, with the help that you that your yourself know you need.

Stop blaming your DH and work together. You are at a low point, and it does sound to me as if you are depressed.

I don't know, this sounds a bit funny to me. Either the colleague is being over zealous or you are describing things in a much softer way than reality.

My DSis has three children who often push and shove each other (part of being children and having lots of energy) but she never man handles them over it. She may even shout at them and threaten a smacked bottom, but not to push so they would graze themselves on the back of a pushchair.

If your DH was concerned enough to talk to a colleague about it then I would think he felt betrayed by your actions towards your DS and felt the need to speak to someone else about it from outside the situation.

Plus you may not notice but your actions may be more severe than you percieve them to be. You may just see it as being at the end of your tether and giving him a slight push, but it may actually be worse but you are not seeing beyond your anger in that moment.

Your comments about your DS also seem to betray a lot of negative sentiment towards him from you IMO. You talked about him as if he is puprosefully malicious towards your DD. And I don't understand how you can be angry with him if you are teaching him it is ok to be physical with others who upset you.

I actually feel for your situation as you sound like a very stressed out mum who needs some support. Besides, you are not the only person to have ever lost it with their child and I hope you don't feel that way. But I don't think you should feel betrayed either. Take this as an opportunity to maybe get some support if you have an anger issue or to speak to your DH and clear the air and maybe ask for some more help from him.

Whatever happens, I hope you have the best outcome for you and your family. This hardly sounds like a case of out and out abuse and I wish you the best.

"He is a supportive parent, but lacks any empathy or sympathy for me when I am finding it tough."

How is he supportive if he lacks any empathy or sympathy for you when you are finding it tough?

Hi OP, did your husband see what happened?

And stop feeling hard done by and victimised, would you rather your DH sat back and did nothing if he felt something was really wrong? He is trying to look after his family and it wasn't his fault the colleague reported the incident.

You feel hard done by because your husband was so upset that he needed to confide in someone else about your behaviour!?

Wow. Just wow.

How do you think your children feel? Just because they can't articulate, does not mean they cannot feel.

I don't think anyone that thinks the OP was out of order lives in some perfect bubble where people never get angry. I know I have literally wanted to rip my hair out because of how angry ds1 has made me in the past. But I'm an adult, I can ensure his safety then walk away.

OP could have done that, and should have done that when she was so angry that she couldn't trust herslf to pick up and put down her child gently. There was another adult there who could have taken over.

i dont think yabu to feel very betrayed by your husband. so instead of helping you control your children. he has put you in a position to have your abilities to look after them questioned. if he had an issue with what you did he should have come and spoke to you about it instead of discussing with someone who has now put you in a very awkward position.
i personally would find it hard to trust him after this. you need to give yourself a break lovely. you have two young children they can be a real handful does you husband give you much help beyond putting you in horrible positions such as this.
what happened with your son was an accident and any one that comes into your house to talk to you about it will see that, if you do genuinely believe you are having trouble coping and need help to learn new parenting techniques then perhaps this will help and perhaps the first person they will talk to is your husband and ask how much help he is giving you.

You know that you behaved wrongly, you don't want it to happen again? You admit that you are sometimes "at the end of your tether" with the toddler? You need help, for the DC's sakes and for your own. It is good that this has come into the open and that some help is at hand. Take it and don't take any notice of those on here who would have you, virtually, hung drawn and quartered. There will always be those who think they are perfect, let them.

If your DH knew that you were feeling sick with the anaesthetic, why did he not discipline the toddler himself? For he certainly needed disciplining at that time. Does he leave all the discipline to you?

"There was another adult there who could have taken over."

Good point.

Why didn't he?