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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

173 replies

choceyes · 18/07/2011 15:56

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 21:45

I don't think I was being a drama queen. Pushing your kids isn't OK. There's no point pretending it is. Pulling a child off who they are hitting is another matter - but that's not what the OP has said. I have shouted at my dd (which I am ashamed of) but getting physical is taking it to another level imo. I am glad the OP is getting some guidance to deal with it.

ilovepesto · 18/07/2011 21:47

TheSecond ..... see chunkythighs - no offence but lighten up - that's all. Grin

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 21:48

choceyeyes I have been there in your shoes and I have sought help, also what helped tremendously was that dd is being dx for ASD, social communication difficulties and speech and lang delay, which has made it so much easier to understand her and professionals are involved in getting her and us the help. We also went on a communication course for children with ASD run by the SALT which helped me develop better stratergies of communicating with dd.

Really this is the wrong place to come, you will meet some lovely supportive people, but you will also have those with their judgy pants far up their bum. I would go to your GP for help and they will be able to steer you in the right direction. You are not a bad mum, you have made mistakes like we all have, and you need help

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 21:52

Not specifically aimed at you hairy, but pushing is not ideal parenting but is in no way 'abuse'. It's not like the OP is drinking a few cans in the living room and throwing her son a swift kick in the back because he won't get her another one.

The Op needs practical help and support - not to be told that a huge majority of poster have never lost their temper in any way? To be honest I don't believe people who say that.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 21:52

I think that's an indication for your dh to step in and help more

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 21:55

ilovepesto is that a suggestion that I partake in Wine?

Seriously I know abuse- that is not abuse, the OP has described stress.

Snorbs · 18/07/2011 21:58

chunkythighs, a genuine question - if a man was stressed out by his wife and he pushed her, would you class that as "abuse" or "stress"?

Caan · 18/07/2011 22:02

do social services send out health visitors? do social services send out health visitors?

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:02

You need to address the behaviour of your son against your daughter, when he hurts her lift him up under the arms and move him. He sounds like he could be jealous of the attention you bestow on her, do you find she gets more attention than he does because she is younger and needs it?

TheSecondComing · 18/07/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 22:02

OP I would just leave the thread and concentrate on getting some help that you need. It will just make you feel like crap

Happylander · 18/07/2011 22:07

You sound very stressed and it sounds like your husband needs to help more. Don't worry about the HV they are there to help.

I think some people on here are being a bit OTT with the child abuse comments. Although I don't condone pushing I can understand that you might have been frightened for your babies safety and reacted badly. Your HV might be able to give you advice on lowering your stress levels and managing your son so that next time it is handled better.

Good luck and I hope it all goes okay

Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 22:08

Caan- no this isn't a child protection issue, it sounds as though the OP DH just wants her to speak to someone.

If it was a CP issue a SS CP SW would be calling round not a HV. The HV can make a further referal and then SS would investigate but they would offer help.

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 22:09

Snorbs If the woman in question was hitting someone and was in danger of hurting someone, he may reasonably push the aggressor away.

If the woman was at a table with others and throwing food, spitting etc and the man was tired, stressed and in pain then I could understand if he carried the woman out of the room against her will and forcibly placed her in another room.

If the man repeatedly pushed a woman for his own kicks and dragged women around the house- then yes he is abusive- but the OP did not describe that.

jugglingmug · 18/07/2011 22:12

It's hardly preaching to say 'op, you're clearly not coping, take this opportunity to get some help' is it?

Yes, it's hard being a parent. I had 3 under 3 when ex-H left, and everyday (and night) felt endless. BUT my children did not ask for the situation. They didnt understand why mummy felt like weeping in frustration a lot of the time. They couldnt get help for themselves if they needed to. When you choose to have children, you choose to put someone else before yourself, and you should realise that the way you behave is the main influence on the way your children behave.

You had no reason to be manhandling your DS, you've admitted your DH was dealing with it. Take opportunities for a break....go for a walk and leave DH to it. When you are losing patience and feel the urge to 'grab and shove' a 2 year old, pick up DD and shit yourself in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/garden. You are the adult, so you have to calm yourself down.

IMO every parent has points where they could hurt their child...the ones who dont are the ones who are mature enough to recognise that this is their problem, not their child's.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 22:16

It's definitely preaching when you start on about who is mature and who isn't, strongly implying that you are the former and the OP is the latter.

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 22:17

pick up DD and shit yourself in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/garden. You are the adult, so you have to calm yourself down.

didn't realise that a good dump was natures Xanax Grin

HumphreyCobbler · 18/07/2011 22:18

I agree with theSecondComing.

All those saying that the OP's DH has done her a massive favour, I would say that a rather better favour would be to offer her some support.

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 22:19

I agree that a better way to go about it would have been for the DH to broach the subject with the OP that he was concerned and felt she might need some help.

jugglingmug · 18/07/2011 22:25

Just me that can't ever just sit Blush

chunkythighs · 18/07/2011 22:26

Hey, why waste time just sitting when you can kill two birds with one stone.

jugglingmug · 18/07/2011 22:27

shecut much more mature to enourage the op to blame her DH.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 22:27

"All those saying that the OP's DH has done her a massive favour, I would say that a rather better favour would be to offer her some support."

Hear hear

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 22:30

You're not encouraging the OP, you're making yourself feel superior by telling her off like a bold child.