to be really upset at my DH's betrayal?

[choceyes]

The health visitor are coming to see us tomorrow about the kids.

About 3 weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table after a long hard day looking after the kids (11 months and 2.8yrs)I was exhuasted. Also I had just had a root canal treatment. Two injection of aesthetics in my mouth and I was feeling very sick. DS of 2.8yrs was misbehvaing at the table as usual, throwing cutlery around, throwing food, spitting out, etc etc etc. ME and DH both warned him but he wouldn't stop, and the red mist decended on me. I picked him up from the table and went to the hall and put him there and shut on door on him. The hall is our time out area. I am ashamed to say that I handled him quite roughly and when I put him in the hall he fell against the pushchair and grazed his back. I didn't even realise that he had fallen, he didn't seem that bothered. Only a few minutes later I realised he had grazed his back against the pushchair.

DH was very upset at this, and I was upset too and felt horribly guilty for days, I still do. It was an accident.I never intentionally harmed him, and I know I was wrong to manhandle him at the time and me feelign ill and tired was not a reason to treat him like that.

A week later DH tells me, he was so upset about the incident, that he told a collegue of his at work (he is a teacher), and this collegue had rung up the child protection people/social sevices . Apparently she was legally obliged to.
They have rung DH and he has now arranged for a health visitor to come around to discuss "matters".

I feel so upset over all of this. I am scared now at what they will do. Apparently when they talked to him over the phone they had said if I don't speak to someone they will put the kids on a at risk register.

I love my kids. The past year has been so tough with looking after the two of them. I lose my temper with DS sometimes and I do shout at him and have pushed him a couple of times when he has hurt DD for the upteenth time that day (he is always trying to hurt her, cannot turn my back on them even for a minute).
But I also spend a lot of time with DS reading him books, taking him to all sorts of activities, kissing and cuddling him and he is well loved.

DH knows all this and I feel betrayed by him that he allowed this to happen. And I am so scared at what they will say tomorrow.

Go along with what the HV advise and say, everyone is just there to help and support you and your kids. Horrific accidents occur when we don't mean to, and sometimes they just happen without you doing anything. But like others have said, OP, when you feel unwell or stressed and your DH is around, try asking him to help take your DS to timeout instead of letting the stress get to you. It certainly sounds like the stress levels have been escalating and making things happen that you would rather not. I am guessing your DH didn't do it on purpose.....and anyway, had it not been a colleague it might have been a friend or relative he confided in who might have done the same thing. Maybe seeing someone is not a bad thing - at least you have that time away from the kids for a breather!! I fully sympathise. Hope it works out ok.

"DH was trying to discipline him. Usually i stay out of it if DH is doing the dsiciplining, but I don't know what happened to me that day. I should have just walked away. but I was helping DD with her food too, so I felt I couldn't."

He seems to have been dealing with it...but the op still lost it. This is perhaps why it's being suggested she needs help.

do you have a local surestart centre? the family support workers should be able to point you in the direction of a parenting programme you can self-refer on to, or get the HV to refer you to.

Pushing your ds isn't ideal, but neither is his behaviour at the moment.

Don't take the referral as a slur; if they were very concerned, they'd not send a lone HV around to chat :)

There's a world of difference between raising your voice, and grabbing and shoving.

As others have said, it is just a HV coming to visit. All they will do is talk about any problems you may be having and offer advice. They are not Social Services or the Police, they will not be removing your children. It is not a sign of weakness of failure to need advice from a HV, and will hopefully (if the HV is any good at their job) be helpful to you.

FWIW, it probably is best for you to get a little help now to avoid things escalating (e.g. your temper) in the future. I know it's very difficult when you have a disruptive toddler & a baby - I've been through it. With the benefit of hindsight, I'd embrace any help that's offered - it can't hurt .

HumphreyCobblerMon

"All those saying that the OP's DH has done her a massive favour, I would say that a rather better favour would be to offer her some support."

given the OP's anger issues we don't know if the DH is scared of the OP's response

Op, apologies but I haven't read any posts since I posted about 10 messages in (I will catch up though), have been thinking of you this evening.

I have a 5 year old, a 17 month old and a 5 week old. I understand how hard and stressful things can be. Today, for instance, was a really difficult day - with all kids really acting up all day long. At one stage ds, (the 17 month old) kept rocking dd2 (5 weeks) in her bouncer much too hard, after repeatedly telling him to stop, I picked him up and put him in the playroom - this is a room just off our kitchen which is completely child proofed and safe - it's filled with toys and we've installed a stair gate across the door so ds can't escape get out - I find it an absolute God send - a safe place to put him when a break is well and truly needed. Is this a possibility? I appreciate that this may not be possible for everyone depending on house size etc but even if you have a bed room or sitting room close to where you spend most of your day could you try installing a stair gate and child proofing the room?

I also have a cheap travel cot popped up in our kitchen which I often pop ds into if he's acting up and I need a break/ tend to dd/ complete a chore. Could you do this?

Ds adores dd I must admit, but I'm aware it's early days yet. He kisses her about 20 times a day, fetches blankets for her and I'm constantly finding his toys and soothers at the bottom of her cot where he gas given them to her. We refer to dd as "his baby" or "oisins baby" always - in this, I think he thinks shes his and therefore not a threat - she hasn't taken mummy or daddy from him because she's his - does that make sense?

If you do have PND, you really have my sympathies- any form of depression is so debilitating. I understand why you may feel betrayed but ultimately this is a very positive thing - an intervention - and could lead to you coping better and all of you having a happier life. I know it's hard right now but try see it that way. If you had a broken arm and couldn't care for the children, you'd expect your dh to get you help, wouldn't you? Any form of mental illness should be treated with as much care as a physical one, if you need help, you need help and it's ok, your not alone and there's a million others feeling the same.

I wish you all the best

"There's a world of difference between raising your voice, and grabbing and shoving."

Is there?

I know that sometimes when DD1 attacks DD2 and I grab one of the and move them elsewhere, I am dealing with the situation a lot more calmly and effectively than when I shout.

OP I have a 10 month old and a 3.3 year old and I am ashamed to say I've done a bit of grabbing and shouting over this past few months. It's tough isn't it.

I agree that you need support but not the stress of having SS called in! I hope the HV is understanding and supportive.

I find I get snappier with the kids when I am angry or frustrated about something else. Like if I'm feeling sorry for myself or angry at someone. Are you harbouring a lot of pent up anger or frustration? As hectic as things are, you must see this as a warning sign that you MUST take some time for yourself to do something for yourself - you sound like you really really need more headspace and rest (I'm crying out for some!). You should really prioritise time to go for a walk or swim/read a book/have a bath or whatever. Make the time.

Also, are you getting out enough with the kids? If things are tough, take them OUT, it can be such a relief walking together in the fresh air in blessed silence. Put them on the swings and then at least no-one is getting hit/crying/talking constantly to you non-stop melting your brain/spreading all the pieces of every toy all around the house.

Other things that have helped me with anger:
when you are about to get angry with ds:

• imagine there's a film crew filming you for a parenting programme
• take a moment and shout SHUT UP!!!!! or STOP IT FFS!!! or ARRGGHH YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD!!!! in your head only obviously, and release the anger that way, and then breathe and speak calmly. Don't feel bad about this, it's just your anger, an normal emotion, and not a reflection of your real feelings for your son.
• when you're about to shout, tickle your ds instead (just a little, and only if he likes it. Some kids hate to be tickled.)
• distract ds with anything you can think of - "DS come here and pretend to be a dinosaur with me" etc

- leave the room or count to ten, or jump up and down

Good luck, I hope you get the support you need, it's v tough.

How is he supportive if he lacks any empathy or sympathy for you when you are finding it tough?

The op said he was a supportive parent, I would take that to mean that he is hands on with the children, that he attends to their needs. This doesn't necessarily mean that he is a sympathetic husband.

OP, I remember once having to chase DS1 when he was around 4yrs old. He was screaming blue murder and really tantruming because I had put sweetcorn on his plate. He went to run up the stairs, I made a grab for him and tripped on a toy. He ended up smacking his face on the stairs. cue blood everywhere - me crying - him crying etc.

And I was single mum just to him.

Did I have anger issues? no I was shattered having only slept 2hrs a night for ages at that point.

Don't beat yourself up over this, accept the help and talk to DH, he may have spoken to his colleague out of genuine concern for YOU.

Oh choceyes (have you used this username on other forums?), it probably wasn't a good idea to post this in AIBU, as people use this board as an excuse to put the boot in, which is never helpful when you're at your wits end and need support and practical advise.

I can sympathise, for what it's worth - I have a nearly 2 and a 1/2 year old and an 11 month old and am home full time with them. Obviously any toddler and baby combo will be demanding and frustrating, but I'm guessing my two must be easier babies, as I admit, I haven't come close to the sorts of reactions you've described.

That doesn't mean that I have a right to judge you - all it means is that you must be having a very, very tough time coping, and that your little ones' personalities are perhaps significantly more feisty than mine - there but for the grace of God and all that. I mean, I can't imagine reacting that way under any circumstances, but nobody can truly understand what it is like for another person, in their unique set of circumstances...

I guess you need to stop focusing on the betrayal side of things and start seeing this as a opportunity to get some much-needed help, support and coping mechanisms. Talk to the HVs honestly, and just tell them what you've told us. Believe me, they will have seen far worse in their time, and they will want to help you and your family.

Good luck - if you can, update this thread and let us know how things go with them as I'm sure there's a few people on here who don't just see you as someone who needs castigating-- will want the reassurance of knowing you and your little ones will be OK. Have an un-MN (hug).

Finally, some decent messages at the end of this thread. I think if people are honest a lot of people have been through what you have. I was extemely stressed when DS2 was a baby and DS1 was 2, it was such a hard time. I remember screaming like a fishwife some days!!! I would have been mortified if someone had reported me to social services. I could have done with some help and think I was probably depressed. The children's centre runs parenting courses - I think the nurturing programme is meant to be brilliant.
I think your husband was just offloaded to someone at work, unfortunately the person he spoke to sounds a bit OTT in my opinion.

Well thank you so much for all your replies and I really appreciate everybody taking their time out to reply.

The health visitor came this morning and I felt it was a very positive meeting.

me and DH both described to her what happened, and the HV said that it really does sound like an accident to her and she is no way concerned about that. I think she was very surprised by what the situation was and she was expecting something worse.

I also admitted to her that I pushed him and shouted at him on occassion, and the trouble I have with DS hurting DD. She said, although it is not an ideal way to deal with the situation, she totally understands why I would have done it when I was at the end of my tether. She said almost every mother has shouted at her kids and handed them roughtly sometimes in desperation. She said that I am beating myself up far too much for this and that she can see that I am a good mother, and my kids are well looked after, alert and sociable.

She gave me a few hints on handling DS. (although I have to say I put it into practise after she went and it didn't relly work with DS!).

She said that I sound down, and possibly depressed, so she will ring my doctor to expect me and I have to make an appointment to see the doctor. She also said she will let me know of some parenting courses and anger management courses and that I should attend something like that.

She made me feel much better about everything. I feel a lot more positive now.

She also picked up on my relationship and she actually asked me if I felt betrayed by my DH about getting the SS involved. She said that is understandable if I do, but not to hold it against him, cos it wasn't his doing anyway.

In reply to someone who asked why SS sent out HVs - reason was that I was ready to accept help, so the incident was downgraded apparently.

Fabbychic - yes I guess DS is jealous of the attention DD is getting. I breastfeed her, sling her, co-sleep with her, so all that might have an affect on it. Although most nights DH sleeps in with DS when he wants somebody there.
We never planned to have 2 children close together and DD was an accident, and I still don't think this is a good age gap as DS is still a baby himself and deserves more attention from me than he is getting.
However DS is not short of attention. I must read him hunders of books all day long, I take him to toddler groups, museums etc and play with him while DD is crawling around or sleeping.
Although I feed, sling and sleep with DD, apart from that, my attention is mostly on DS during the day. DD is mostly left alone to play. DS goes to nursery 2 days a week, so that's when I actually interact with DD for any length of time.

Me and DH have decided to go to Relate about our relationship, althoguh the irony is that we don't have anyone to leave the kids with.

Petisa- thank you for those tips. I have heard of the camera crew one before and I use it sometimes, but when I am really frustrated I just forget!

TillyIpswitch - well yes my babies are quite challenging. DD is very clingy and whiny if I am not holding her, and DS is always attention seeking, wanting me to play with him, asking for this and that, throws things around, makes a mess, is stubborn, not bribable, single minded.....but he is lovely honestly!

Im so glad it went well. Look into a parenting course; i think incredible years would suit you if you can find one local.

I'm so glad it went well for you!

Glad it went well with the HV choceyes! I hope you do get to relate and to do a parenting course - actually I'd love to do one myself.

I also co-sleep and bf my dd2 and I know dd1 has found that hard sometimes. Both my dds are probably what you would call "easy" - few tantrums, dd1 fab sleeper, accepts that no is no most of the time, plays alone well, etc. Yet I have found myself shouting and handling her roughly occasionally when she has been challenging and I've been at the end of my tether. So I dread to think how I'd have coped with more "challenging" kids!

Your days sound v similar to mine in that I'm always playing and interacting with dd1 while dd2 crawls around. Dd2 now wants to join in, and can't obv with painting and so on, so it's difficult. Roll on starting pre-school in Sept!

Did you find you were sooo much more patient with one child? I was a perfect parent then, ha ha! Don't feel guilty for having had two so close together, in what is really only a matter of months they will be getting on much better when your dd is walking and they'll have more similar needs and interests. Plus your ds could be much more even tempered by the time he is 3 and a half or so, I know my dd1 is soooo much easier now even than a few months ago. Will your ds be going to full time preschool in Sept or is he too young yet? If so, could you send him 3 mornings a week?

Petisa - when I only had DS life was a walk in the park compared to what it is now. When I have only one child to look after it is a doddle! When I was on maternity leave with DS, I had a good time, DS was an easy baby and I don't ever remember being stressed out. well there were stressful moments ofcourse as with any baby, but nothing compared to what I am going through now.

Both DCs will be going to nursery 3 days a week as I have returned to work now. At least for 3 days of the week I get to be myself, drink a hot cup of tea, have a meal in peace etc. And it will make me appreciate the DCs even more and it will be a good thing. I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I am in awe of how some mums do this.

Just speed read and can't believe the overreactions on this thread! Unbelievable!

OP, everyone (well most people) shout at their kids on occassions, most people hurt them by accident like you did in the hall way, and most people lose their temper on occassion and react to their child in a way they are not proud of. I have done it and probably most people on here have done it, unless they are saints of course!

It's bloody hard being a full time to parent to 2 small children. I can say that it does get a bit easier as they get a little older.

It's sounds like you could do with more support and understanding from your DH.

I am so please for you choccy. I am glad that the health professionals do not judge as harshley as some on here, who seem to be ever so perfect and never put a foot wrong. They are trained to know a abuse than people on a message board

I'm still so shocked about this thread. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down! Some of you should be ashamed.

It's no different really to the op falling over and those judging, giving her a good old kick for good measure, nice! Hope you don't work in the health professions

Delighted it went well, best of luck at the doctors, let us know how you get on