To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

I find it hysterical.

Pretty much every single one of us on here who ff are happy with our choices-get over it and quit attempting to persuade people that they should be upset/less than satisfied.We're not,we're happy,our babies are happy and healthy to boot.

Live with it.

happy4eva - have to laugh at cow's milk being "proper" milk Of course, milk from a different species is far better than human milk.

If the benefits of breastmilk over formula were anything but negligible we would be seeing a clear divide in our children. Which we are not.

The smoking comparison is not accurate because there is no requirement of a second party. A person either smokes or doesn't. A smoker does not rely upon the will or ability or sacrifice of another sentient human being. You may indeed know a healthy or unhealthy smoker, but the health of the cigarette is irrelevant. Breastfeeding is symbiotic, whether you like it or not. And it is not axiomatic that a baby's well-being is more important than its mother's.

A more appropriate analogy might be another area of parental one-upmanship - education. The statistics tell us that a private education will be better in almost every respect for our children than a state one. Should we, as mothers, exhaust every avenue to provide it? Work ourselves to the bone? steal? prostitute ourselves? sell our kidneys? Why would we not? Why would you settle for a lesser education?

Defensive? prickly? Hell yes I am. When you have been in the position I have been you get used to defending yourself when you are reminded of it. I live every day with the shame and guilt of my failure.

My situation was having to stand in the witness box during XH's attempt to make sure I never saw dd again. In the witness box I was asked why I didn't love dd because if I had loved her I would have succeeded at bf. Did it matter that I had been left with no choice, was it mentioned that XH had been agsinst bf and it had been me who was determined to bf, was it fuck.

I am defensive because I have had to be if people find it hysterical or stupid of me so what. Just consider how you would feel if you had the same problem because I really hope no other woman would have to go through that.

Reading some of the posts from the extreme pro BF's (some not all ) has confirmed exactly what I was/have been scared of - other people judging me for not BF. Because of various medical problems and subsequent medication, mainly immunosuppressants I have to take as I had a double organ transplant, I was told that I shouldn't breastfeed as the drugs suppress my immune system and would be passed on through my breastmilk and therefore lower my babies' immune system. I was quite upset when I was told this as there is so much pro BF information out there and I had always heard the 'breast is best' slogan. However, the fact that I was pregnant in the first place was a miracle in itself due to my medical history so I wasn't too distraught. When I had my son though I was asked by everyone including all of the midwives, my gp etc if I was 'feeding' my baby. I didn't understand this question at first as obviously my son was being fed by formula but that statement kind of implied to me that BF was the only correct way to feed once I understood what was meant by it. I felt like I had to justify myself to everyone who asked, explaining about my medical history rather than be able to just say 'no I am not BF'. When I was out I would whip out a carton of formula pronto, pour it into a bottle and dispose of the evidence as soon as possible so that I wouldn't be judged. I suppose really I didn't think that people would seriously think I was a bad parent for FF but I guess from reading some of these posts, that some people do think that. I am quite defensive with regards to the whole BF/FF debate but that is because it is such a sensitive topic for me. My mum works in child protection and when I hear some of the things those poor children have been subjected to it seems silly to be criticising mums in their choice of feeding for their child! Incidentally, I know that BF is meant to boost the immune system of the baby but I was BF and I developed type 1 diabetes, crohns disease, endometriosis and a whole host of other autoimmune diseases and my brother and sister who were both FF are perfectly healthy! My mum is of a health visitor backround and her opinion was that if you have a happy mum you will have a happy baby, regardles of how they are fed.

Incidentally, I know that BF is meant to boost the immune system of the baby but I was BF and I developed type 1 diabetes, crohns disease, endometriosis and a whole host of other autoimmune diseases and my brother and sister who were both FF are perfectly healthy!

Thing is, breastfeeding doesn't guarantee a healthy baby - but you may be healthier than you would have been if you hadn't had breastmilk. Similarly, your siblings may have been even healthier if they had.

See it's the same again from some mothers who bf the big why , why wouldn't you want to give bm to your child, why wouldn't you even try
I don't get why it's so important to some people how others choose to feed their babies and why can't they just comprehend some don't want too. There are some things women who bf do that even as someone who bf themselves I wouldn't do yet I don't feel the need to understand why they do it.

There are 4 seperate people on this thread who are saying the FF siblings were healthier. I dont get it.

RitaMorgan - wow from what you are saying I probably would have popped my clogs long ago if I hadn't been fortunate enough to be breastfed as I wouldn't have liked to have experienced my life with much more wrong with me (I haven't elaborated too much on my medical history as don't want to seem like a whingey moaner as I actually have a great life!). I was just merely pointing out that it is not always the case that being a breastfed baby ensures that you will be a healthier than a non BF baby using my family as an example.

clucky - you can't compare outcomes for an individual breastfed baby against an individual formula fed baby in that way, it doesn't tell us anything. The differences are only apparent on a population level.

What don't you get? My eldest ff no real health problems my middle bf eczema and realy bad asthma, what is there not to get? Sometimes you do what's deemed to be the best thing and the child still has health problems, other times you do what people say as the wrong feeding choice and the child is perfectly healthy

I don't see why you can't compare them, they are after all siblings and share alot of the same genetics

Are you talking to me icecream, i ff.

I am just saying there are quite a few people on here who are saying BF siblings suffered from health problems

Thank god I don't live my life according to population level statistics.

Thank god for my own instincts and faith in the rich anecdotal tapestry of life.

You can compare them if you want, just doesn't tell you very much. Using identical twins would be more useful, though pretty unethical.

I would personally have felt ashamed to have not tried if I could and for my kids to know I didn't try to do something that gave them so so much. But that's just how I feel for me.

Good for you hairfullofsnakes, I chose to ff 3 times and have never felt ashamed, you paragon of Motherhood, get a shiny star and go to the top of the class.......top of the big giant judgey class that is. How many times do you think you have to repeat the benfits of bf in your posts before people become bored with your quite manic approach to this, are you trying to make people feel guilty for not choosing to bf because this is what it is coming across as.

Go on, you know you want to, come back and repeat like a mantra "reduced cot death, eczema, asthma" etc etc to me. Maybe some people who ff feel guilty but I dont, never have and never will. So what if you "dont get it" - Im not ashamed to say I didnt bf because I didnt want to, I have never criticised any woman for wanting to bf yet have been called a bad mother, unintelligent, not maternal, stupid etc etc here. I dont care that much, its annoying but at the end of the day I was happy with my choice and Im happy in my life and family, but I do think others who feel guilty will.

Probably because alot of them do still suffer health problems, although I'm sure some people will say they might have had worse health problems if they wernt bf, though I don't see how anyone can know this for sure

I can understand all points of view - people believe in BF and think thats the best option for their child and it is possible for them to do/they have the right support in place thats great, good for you seriously, I am not being sarcastic. People choose/have to formula feed for whatever reason, that is of course a perfectly acceptable way of feeding your baby and my son seems to be thriving on his formula milk and is now nearly 8 months old and is doing really well :) . It is just the judging of people who FF that gets to me and it has really affected me. To tell you the truth as long as a baby is fed and not starving hungry I don't see what the problem is, I only really care about my son and how he is doing. He is growing well, putting on weight and seems to be developing normally. As long as our babies are doing that why would you care how someone else is feeding their child? We obviously all care enough about our kids to be on a site such as Mumsnet so as long as a child is loved, cared for, fed and cleaned what is the problem?

Well it can be the same with studies Rita , you don't know the genetic s of those bf and ff babies anymore than you know their social, housing or dietary needs or how these can effect what conditions they may or may not develope

Several studies, I believe about six, show that bf babies are at increased risk of asthma than ff babies. The breast milk does indeed help build up immunity but actually too much immunity so it triggers wheezing and asthma as the children have not built up resistance

Therefore if you come from a family with a significant history of asthma you'd be wise to ff rather than bf to decrease your child's chances of developing asthma by as much as 50%.

clucky - I agree with you that formula is a perfectly acceptable substitute. I do care quite a lot about how other women feed their babies, especially in light of the many heartbreaking stories on this thread about women who wanted to breastfeed and were failed by the lack of support and knowledge available in this country. I completely defend women's right to feed their babies however they want, even if it isn't a decision I understand or agree with personally.

However, I would have found the scenario described by the OP quite upsetting.

The clue though is in your first post; it's day 4 since his birth. She will be feeling a bit crap possibly, her milk will most likely be coming in properly/will be in now and she may have the baby blues (hence the appearance of her not being as comforting as you thought she should be).

Although you say she had a great birth, perhaps to her, it wasn't quite as good as she had hoped and she may be quite sore still and a bit upset. Of course, she will know that breastmilk is best for the baby but emotionally for her, not breast feeding at all may be easier for her to deal with than breast feeding for a few weeks.

Once you have your baby, I think there will be things that others may judge you for and you'll see how tricky it can often be juggling others' emotions; give her a break and focus on your birth and baby and decide how you will bring him/her up. It's hard seeing something which goes against what you believe in but in western society, we have free choice which is far better than no choice.

Not sure I understood your last post lovesicecream - factors such as social class are taken into account when carrying out these studies.

When I was pregnant with DD1 my sil was pregnant at the same time an didn't stop banging on about breast being best- when the babies were born she bf for 1 bloody day after banging on for 9months. I bf for 4months and it was horrendous my boobs bled and the shower killed me when water hit my chest and I fed every 2 hours- it was awful for me. With ds I didn't "bother" and I am sad but only because others judge me for not breastfeeding him. It's a horrible feeling; some mothers are natural, some struggle and some don't try (I don't blame them) Everyone is different and as you are pregnant with your first I hope you don't eat your words like my sil did. You're so quick to judge others luckily I was too busy to care to judge her!

Professor Sears believes breast-feeding may increase the risk of asthma because it reduces the risk of infections. This explanation is based on the so-called "hygiene theory". Children who have older siblings, and children who attend nurseries from an early age, suffer less from asthma. According to the hygiene theory, they are more exposed to infections that stimulate their immune system and make them resistant to asthma.

Just adding to post above.