To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

Pomme - I am sure my kids will love the fact I did something that gave them the benefits of reducing the risk of diabetes, certain cancers, eczema, asthma, gastroenteritis and even cot death and meningitis. I will also tell them just how much they enjoyed bf

And of course their needs and the benefits bf gives comes Before my needs - yes bf is tiring, it was bloody hard and I got mastitis many times and cried no howled with exhaustion but its worth it. How can people who can not do it when they know how good it is- that is how I think.

Fwiw - klad I don't think anyone judges you in your circumstances, you explained earlier in this thread why you did not - maybe with better support you could have, who knows? But your reasons are very different to the normal 'i didn't fancy it' and I am sure you are not judged.

Well snaps for you hairfull.
You are stumped as to why people do not want to BF probably to the same degree to those who are stumped as to why you do.You have something in common.
I do be stumped as to why anyone would want to dye their hair.But people do things for their own reasons.Its not hurting anyone and needs no justification.Same with formula.

Me neither. I am fairly sure I didn't write anything remotely deletable but mine has gone too!!

Hmm maybe hair but I'm pretty sure they won't be that bothered. At least until they have kids of their own and come to face the guilt ridden shit fest that the bf vs ff debate is.
I think it might be a little more as per BumWiper's post until then.
Toddlers enjoy eating mud and playing with their poo given half the chance.

Like I've said I didn't bf my first, I didn't want to simple as that and this was my choice , it had nothing to do with not having the right support, information etc I just didn't want to, I don't judge other people's choices even if I don't agree with them so noone should judge mine , my eldest has always been far healthier than his bf brother though I'm not going to make assumptions on why this is the same as I wouldn't if he was bf, he is 16 has always been tall for his age and realy isn't bothered how he was fed as a baby

My cousin chose to ff all her DCs and as far as I know, has never felt guilt or been judged for her decision. Sadly, FF is the norm where we live.

She was 18 and I was 21 when we became mothers within 3 weeks of one another. We now each have 3 DCs.

She knows that she has not made the best chioce for her DCs. She has stated that she admires my decision to bf for as long as I have (2.6yo - still bfing) and says she "just couldn't do it" - not physically, she never even considered trying!

I now understand what she means about "just couldn't do it". She has saved herself from the judging, ignorant comments about bfing in public and pressure to switch to ff by a certain age by never trying. Her "choice" was not really a choice at all. She succumbed to the pressure to ff. It is expected of young mums round here.

It does make me sad though that our society is so fucked up that fails to value and support bfing and it's rare to see a woman bf in public. How many times have you seen a woman bf in public? Or even in her own home?

The scandal is the pressure to FF - that's the reason bfing rates in this country are so low.

OP. YANBU. I wish you all the very best for the birth of your DC

I would find it odd that people would be stumped as to why I would want to give my children something (breastmilk) that reduces the risk of so many ailments, illnesses and even cot death but like you say, each to their own.

And what if your kids don't give a damn how you fed them? You sound like you want them to be grateful - like you'll be hurt or cross.

I have no idea how I was fed. Never asked. Dont care.

tiktok I really try hard not to judge those that choose not to (ie not even trying). I just genuinely don't understand the reasoning (obv aside from the medical reasons)?

We haven't yet identified what some of the factors in breast milk are and have no idea what they do so it is hard to believe we can manufacture a truly 'adequate' subsititute.... nutritionally maybe, but what about the antibodies, cells, enzymes, and hormones and the as yet unidentified ( ie we know they are there just not what they do) factors?

What is more important than trying as hard as you can to give this amazing stuff to your baby?

And the argument that this kind of attitude puts people off just amuses me - surely if you are mature enough to have a baby you are mature enough not to want to rebel against something just because people strongly advise you to do it!

Not at all shandy I am their mother and I don't expect them to be grateful that's not how it works is it! but as it is something that is the norm for us and that I do support for bf and they are around la leach league meethings I am sure they will be aware of breastfeeding.

Agree with you ba8y on your points - why don't more women do this foe their babies when they know what it does?! It's beyond comprehension.

The reason is - I didnt want to. I dont know why i just didnt. No medical reasons just didnt want to. I would not have even if i was pressurised into it.

That is your choice but when you think about the benefits and goodness does that not mean anything to you? I'm really not asking this horribly, I
Just find it beyond me that the even though you know
The benefits you wouldn't try?

Fair enough.

However, your last sentence to Ba8y still reeks of judgement - despite saying earlier that you don't judge FF mothers....

Certainly good care in encouraging BF - but when it didn't work despite my best efforts and everyone saying I was doing it right, they left it too long to introduce formula (long story), so that aspect wasn't good care. I was so disappointed to be unable to BF. IMO the "encouragement" of BF and great reluctance to allow formula went on beyond what was suitable in my particular case. It caused more problems and made me feel even worse.

"I didn't find that at all, quite the opposite in fact."

"paperbank, you were lucky to get good care then I think"

hairfullofsnakes Like i said up thread, i bonded and had no PND. I am pleased i FF. I do think maybe i would have suffered from PND had i been forced into BF. Luckily i wanst. I told the midwife i was going to FF and that was that. It was never mentioned again.

Its a choice you make whilst pregnant and i believe i made the best choice. I didnt want to breast feed and couldnt even imagine trying it. I wasnt going to be made to do something i wasnt comfortable with. If i had not felt like that i may have given it a go.

Like i have said dd's are happy, healthy and have a strong bond with all their immediate family. How are my DC and different from yours?

Hairfullofsnakes -

Something is beyond you. How is that our problem? We are not obliged to fulfil your almost pathological need to understand. You do not have a right to ask us to justify our decisions.

Our children are no different from yours.

Get over it.

Fifis - no one should ever be pressurised into breast feeding - its often v hard, painful and the negative effects on the baby of a mother who really doesn't want to be doing it shouldn't be underestimated.

I'm really glad your dcs responded to ff in the way they have - obviously you have no regrets and that's great.

However anecdotal evidence like this doesn't ever prove the worth of something - my great uncle smoked 50 cigs and drank a bottle of whisky a day and lived till he was 105, but I would never recommend his lifestyle!

I just think its a shame that this attitude of 'it doesn't make any difference' pervades in today's society - I'm glad it hasn't for your children - but it doesn't change the fact that breast milk IS better and it would be misleading to tell people otherwise.

have not read the five thousand other replies you've received but you are DEFINATELY NOT being unreasaonable. poor baby, his instinct is telling him what he needs/wants and her motherly instinct is producing what he needs, yet she is still refusing her new born baby what it needs. im sorry but i just dont understand women like that. however hard breast feeding may be (and ive been there0, every woman should persevere for the sake of their child. lets face it, breast milk is better than formula, whatever anybody says.

The evidence about the health risks of smoking and drinking is way way way way stronger than the evidence of health risks due to not bf.

that was to Baby81

Baby8, not on person on this thread who FF had said FM is better than BM. We are not stupid, we know.