to think middle class parents, when shite, are a special sort of shite?

[CrapolaDeVille]

I am middle class, I think, but find the overtly 'darling, sweetie' set of parents particularly painful. Obviously bad/good parenting isn't reserved for any group or set, but I have only noticed middle class parents do the 'push my child first, I couldn't give a crap about fairness' sort of parenting.

EG. Today my 2yr old at a picnic with pre schoolers and their younger siblings. (dc4 was celebrating last day at preschool.) I gave dc5 my phone to flick through a story so I could eat my lunch and could stop running after him. Another child, boy aged 4, called (let's say) Jim wanted the phone. I said no as my dc was looking. He could look too. He tried to snatch making my dc5 upset (in that screamy frustrated 2 yr old way) Jim's mother says "you can share Darling" as Jim is crushing my child who is half his size, she deosn't ask him to get off. Now my dc is crying, she says "share Darling, come on" (I'm not sure who she is talking to) So then awkwardly I have to say "Jim you're crushing dc5", he tries to take the phone. So I put the phone back in my bag...."I want that phone" Jim says. I say "no it's away now". Jim pushes into me and punches me full force with both fists. Mother says FUCK ALL. Not five minutes later she tells him what " a good boy" he is and "so gorgeous" she could eat him Darling sweetie. She's so proud of his behaviour at the picnic,.

EG. DC5 gets scratched on the face with a stick, by a 4 yr old looking straight at me. Mother sort of shrugs and says nothing.

DC5 later on a bit cross and kicks a nearly empty bottle over, sheer naughtiness and devilment, before I can even speak mother of stick weilding child shouts "for goodness sake DC5" then spots me and says sorry. I was so fed up by this point that I just said "to be honest I expect nothing less from X parents" and left, in the knowledge that I'll never see them again.

EG Two little girls tell DC5 to get off trampoline saying 'it's ours get off', DC5 complies. Then I give him his football.....they come over shouting at him to share, but as he's only just got it he wanted to kick it first. I just found myself supporting my son in not sharing, even though I think it's important to share, I'm really cross with myself.

This is my last child. I have spent the last ten years watching my dcs play fair, take turns and be generally kind only to see the other mc brats not only put themselves first but parents whole heartedly endorse and encourage this behaviour.

I do know lots of other nice mc parents, but this type of parent is completely reserved for the middle class slightly older mother.(AGAIN to reiterate this is not all mc parents.)

Sometimes I go to a play farm in deepest, darkest surrey and I'm always appalled by how aggressive the children there are. I've always assumed it's because they've spent too long in top-flight nurseries being schooled in the arts of being alpha. You get some horrible little boys in particular. Little Rupert Murdochs in the making.

I live in an inner city area and most of the children round here that my dc's play with come from immigrant families - first and second generation. The children are hugely more likeable - self possessed, eat everything you put in front of them, and generally very well behaved.

I definitely worked hard, often missing out on stuff, to ensure that my dcs are bloody nice children. I prefer the hard slog now as it makes their lives easier as they become adults.

I am sad to say that I am benignly neglectful/MNing most of the time. However, I am hot on physical violence, causing pain and the like.

So far, it's paying off.

What surprises me is when I made the mistake of giving in and having DC round like this - wild and uncontrollable - they have always respond very well when I do step in and tell them off - which I hate doing to others DC but there are times.

They also wanted to come over again - and seem to like both me and my DC just as much. While I realise all DC may not be like this I have wondered why if they respond so well their bloody parents haven't done it - even if its slightly harder for the parents. Gods know my DC have been little demons at time when I have had to correct their behaviour.

Some people are shit parents, it's got fuck all to do with class.

TheBigJessie
However, I am hot on physical violence, causing pain and the like.

Is that irony? I find putting them in a room with no toys/taking them away from an enjoyable activity and riding out the resulting tantrum till they are calm and show some understanding of what they did wrong - has always been enough.

Hell - I can get away with a look or comment most of the time.

Obviously I am not taking about children with SN.

I think that there is prejudice (and prejudice can be directed to any group, including one's own) is because where I live and work and go on holidays what I see is mainly parents for different background mostly doing their best for their children. Yes, I have come across behaviours by parents which are not great in specific circumstances but if you scratch beyond the surface you see parents who haven't worked it all out yet and are still learning (like myself) and who let the guard down occasionally.

Perhaps I live in a parallel universe, but the vast majority of parents I know are good parents, not perfect, but good.

Yes, SWC but the reason the ASD children are displaying that behaviour is because of neurology not because you're a shit parent who hasn't raised your child in a nurturing and loving environment.

Ah no, clumsy wording- by "hot", I mean I react immediately and consistently.

"Physical violence, causing pain and the like" is the set of behaviour I think it's important to stop.

(I use the same method as you generally- I don't hit them!)

You're not being unreasonable. Some parents are useless at seeing the world from a perspective other than their child's. I'm not sure if it is reserved to middle class parents, or indeed older mothers, because there is a lot of it about.
No wonder so many people grow up with such an enormous sense of entitlement.

IME with five dcs and many sets of parents this is not all mc parents by a long stretch, but I've never seen it from WC parents or immigrant parents,.

I totally agree with the OP. Especially after being at uni with a whole load of 18 year old middle class brats.

This behaviour never leaves them unfortunately.

Thanks Penguin, I see what you mean now! :)

I sometimes think it's from parents not realising that they have the power to help their children learn manners etc and somehow think it happens automatically; they accept their child for who they are fully, whereas I'd sat they clearly need telling and that it's intheir best interest to do so.
I work with sn kids and it's a very different thing for them though.

At a party I watched this boy on a trampoline hurling himself onto everyone else, being very rough, I couldn't believe it when a man said right time to go then after watching this, it was just like he'd either given up or hoped he'd grow out of it or thought it was ok. Or maybe he thought his actions would yield their own consequences.

Dd1 is 5 and has Aspergers, we are continually prompting her to say hello, goodbye, please and thank you. She will say it if prompted and sometimes even if not. She is very well behaved at school, it's at home that sometimes she can be much more difficult, or in certain situations when we are out with her. Dd2 isn't always easy either, but there is no way I would ever stand there and "Sweetie Darling" them if they were hurting someone or damaging someone's property for instance. I am not overly strict by any means, but think it is very important for children to learn it's unacceptable to hurt others or damage their things, and to say please and thank you. In fact people with Aspergers are often sticklers for following the rules as long as they're clear on what the rules are.

Very, very funny, GiddyPickle!

" do know lots of other nice mc parents, but this type of parent is completely reserved for the middle class slightly older mother!"

Oh my lord, no it isn't! The non-MC parents who behave like this aren't so nice about it