babies last name.

[spookshowangel]

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

YANBU. My DDs have my surname too.

it won't be a problem if you are interested in family history either, unless you're bonkers enough to think that you are only connected to the people you share names with . If you look at a family tree you will notice there are lots of different names on there. Most of us are smart enough to know that its actually DNA that connects a family, not a name.

Exactly MsPlaced-the DC won't share any DNA with anyone of that name, other than his/her mother and half siblings-that is the end of the line for him/her.(whereas his/her half siblings can keep going back to the year dot with father's father, father's mother, maternal grandmother, etc etc -all of which are of no interest to the DC, who has no connection to them.)
Grandparents have 2 surnames, greatgrandparents 4 and so on. When I do my family tree I do not trace back any of of my grandfather's first wife's family (other than the immediate ones) but I do trace back his second wife's family because they are the ones that I share DNA with.

This is nuts. You are aware that the baby will still know the name of his or her father, right? They can trace the family line back as far as their little heart desires - they will know their parent's names and work from there. It won't be any harder because they're named after Mum.

er, what? So what? My DC have a different name to me yet they can still trace my family tree, because the name makes no difference whatsoever. They can also trace their fathers mother, and all other female relatives that have a vast array of different names. It doesn't matter what names people have when you know who you are related to.
You have a frankly bizarre obsession with names that is old-fashioned, irrelevant, and really downright odd.

Well theres a big fat ? on my family tree. My mams grandad may not be her grandad, theres loads of illigitimate kids on every branch and a few given away. I definately wouldnt worry about family trees and names. Nothings what it seems on mine anyway

teeny I could change my name to OP's Ex's Name and give my kids that last name. There is no legality involved at all.

The OP's last name is the one she wants to give her baby. How she came to have that last name is not relevant.

She has decided it is her name and she wants her children to have that name. WTF would that have to do with her ex? Unless he has copyrighted the last name it is none of his business what the OP does.

FiFi my family also has a somewhat 'flexible' family tree, so perhaps that is why I don't see the big deal. The whole concept of 'legitimacy' is made up anyway.

I find it really interesting that people are saying that your married name is "not really your name" or "a temporary name" after the marriage ceases to be.

So why would any woman change her name on marriage, then, if it's never going to be 'really her name'?

You can't have women claiming ownership of their names or selves Tortoise after al,l we know that really women belong to whichever man they happen to be with (starting with their father) so it is only acceptable for them to own a name while that man allows it.

I mean, otherwise women could call themselves anything, then how would we know which woman belonged to which man? Crazy talk!

Oh do NOT get me started on "well there's no difference between having my father's name or my husband's name it's all men's names so I might as well change it".

Grrr grrr GRRRRRRRRR.

I am beginning to think that all women should keep their names and then you wouldn't have the problem!
On the family tree thing of course they can still trace it back-but if it was me I would be saying to my mother-why on earth did you saddle me with a name that has nothing to do with me-other than you lived with a man of that name for a short time?
I would not want my mother's first husbands name-maybe the majority are not bothered- but some are. I would also not like my DC to have my DHs first wife's name-because he had made it his.

i dont understand why having a name that linked you with your immediate family wouldnt be enough for you exotic, perhaps it would be if you were raised that way.

I think that we are going around in circles-lets just agree that not everyone feels the same!
You started the thread because people were voicing the opinion that it was strange. You don't think it strange, but you will have to put up, through life, with people still thinking it odd and find a way of just letting it wash over you.
As I said-most probably you won't get a DC who minds. All I am saying is that I would-and so far no one has made me change my mind.

( I must have about 40+ names in my family tree now and all would seem more valid to me than the one my mother had been married to for a few years.)

Does it matter what I think? I think that you will have to stop being sensitive about it and think of a stock reply that deters further discussion. I wouldn't actually make any comment in RL-it not being my business-the nice thing about the internet is that you can be candid!

Anyway-I don't think here is any point in my continuing-I am not flouncing just going to stop the circle. Best wishes with your pregnancy.

you are right i did start this thread because i was getting some shocked reactions and was surprised by it, on here though it seems a pretty equal split.
i will be fine in real life to nod my head and smile and wont be feeling sensitive about. i am very happy with my decision and happy that dp is fine with it, as you say you can say things on here that you wouldn't necessarily say in real life.
i will however be comfortable talking about if it makes other woman consider how the name their children as we can see it is a contentious subject.
thanks for best wishes.

I think it has been an interesting subject to raise and the strength of feeling is surprising-mine took me by surprise! I actually think it is very rude of people to comment in RL. Good luck.

I still have my ex husbands last name , I have since had a baby with a new partner and can't imagen giving him my exs last name , my partner wouldn't have liked the idea either, I think if your partner is ok with it and it's what you want then fine but if your partner dislikes the idea it would be unreasonable of you to go ahead with it

I would be saying to my mother-why on earth did you saddle me with a name that has nothing to do with me-other than you lived with a man of that name for a short time?

By the time the child is old enough to question and understand this, they will have known that their mother and siblings have the same surname for as long as they have been alive, so it will be completely normal for them. I highly doubt they will feel 'saddled' with a name that they share with their mother and siblings. They may feel more 'saddled' if OP splits from her DP and they are the only one in the household with a different name!

Also - OP has had this name for 10 years, 1/3 of her life. By the time the child starts to question it it will be more like 20 years or even longer - so more than half her life. Hardly a flash in the pan. I think she has the right to call the name hers.

Tennytiny you really are remarkably slow on the uptake. You don't have to ask a man (or anyone else of that surname) if you are allowed to give a child his surname. How do you imagine that would work? I'm Ms Smith, I want to call my baby Baby Jones, does the registrar have to ask every single male Jones in the UK if he minds me using the name? Come on - bit of common sense please!

It's funny how threatening people seem to find it when a woman decides she's going to a) go against the status quo and b) make a choice for herself! I also find it incomprehensible that women are saying that a name you took on marriage, that you have been known by for ten years, is only 'borrowed'. Should a woman 'give it back' if she divorces after 40 or 50 years of marriage? Are womens' identities so unimportant that their name is only theirs as long as they remain belonging to the man who properly owns the name?

This is why I would never change my name

Funny thread really. To be honest, at this point, the OP's name seems like it's her name, however she came by originally, (father, mother, husband, deed poll).

And you know, people (including women ) can change their name by deed poll to any name they like, and then hand that down to their children.

Amendments:

1. "it's" should read its.

2. "however she came by originally" should read "however she came by it originally"

Why don't you all change your last name by depol to something new?

Why don't you read the thread?

I think people will assume your ex has fathered the child or at the very least you are still hankering after them.

Spiderpig - anyone who has met OP's ex and current DP would never believe she was still hankering after him

Sigh. OP I think a lot of this thread is sort of crabs in a bucket - at the end of the day you're all happy, if others want to pull you into an unthinking status quo that's their business.

For all the 'it's my name' rubbish. It's not really. It's not the name you were born with and you are no longer married to the man who was born with the name either.

Frankly I think it's hugely odd to give another man's child the name of an Exh.