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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yo often home alone in the morning, WWYD? If anything?

588 replies

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 14:20

I genuinely don't know. Neighbour's DS (nearly 8 but acts very young for his age) always goes in the car with his mum in the evening to pick up his dad from work, and he's not allowed to stay home/on the shared front lawn on his own while his mum goes.

In the mornings though, DH has noticed the DS is never with them, so the mum comes back and then takes him to school. I guess he must still be asleep or just doesn't get dressed on time or doesn't want to go.

Is that ok at that age? I wouldn't leave a 7yo home alone, but I expect many do and I don't think it's as terrible as DH does. He is generally more paranoid/helicoptery than me though. I know it's a really subjective issue, and the age at which parents let DCs be home alone varies massively.

I'd be happy for him to just come over for that time (about 30mins) in the mornings, even if he's in his PJs, should I suggest it? We don't know the parents that well, they are lovely but very shy and his mum in particular struggles with English. I could suggest it to the DS though, he likes it here.

I guess what I'm basically asking is - is nearly-8 old enough for this to be absolutely none of my business and I (and DH!) should chill because it's fine? Or is it a bit young to be home alone even for a short time?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 18:49

I think that you have to know your DC. I would be a bit horrified if mine were only behaving correctly if I was there-in fact I found that when I wasn't there they were much better-they lived up to the responsiblity.

seeker · 15/07/2011 18:56

"but if he knew I was away from home he'd probably do something sneaky like eat lots of chocolate or mething"

How on earth do you know? In my experience, children live up - or down - to your expectations. Mine are certainly a lot more sensible and resourceful when there's nobody to offload the responsibility to! The dd I spy on teaching stable management to 10 year olds, or sailing a dinghy is a very different person from the dd who gets into a tizz because she can't find her shoes on a school morning!

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 19:02

If you never give them responsibility, or trust, they are not going to be able prove that they are worthy of either.
My aim is self discipline-if I thought they were immediately going to sneak chocolate at the age of 7 yrs I would think that I had failed. They should be know the reasons why they don't eat lots of chocolate first thing in the morning, not resist doing it because mum is policing it.

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 19:03

Do people not talk to their DCs with 'what would you do if......?'

lovesicecream · 15/07/2011 19:09

There are other ways of giving your 7 year old responsibility and trust, I never left my eldest home alone at 7 and he's grown up fine

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 19:12

I don't think that proves anything-I left mine at 7 and he's grown up fine. There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong'-it depends on the family and the DC.

vmcd28 · 15/07/2011 19:36

lovesicecream this is one of these bizarre threads where the ones who wouldnt leave their child at 7 (cos that is still very very young) are the ones who are classed as unreasonable.

exoticfruits and seeker, oh how I wish I was as good a mum as you two. I will endeavour to read all your posts to see how you manage it.

Do people not talk to their DCs with 'what would you do if......?' How do you expect to cover every single possibility?

If you never give them responsibility, or trust, they are not going to be able prove that they are worthy of either. But 7 is still very young. They can be trusted in many ways - being in charge of an entire house is extreme.

My aim is self discipline-if I thought they were immediately going to sneak chocolate at the age of 7 yrs I would think that I had failed.. Wow, way to turn my throw-away comment into "actually, vmcd28, you've failed as a mum".

"They should be know the reasons why they don't eat lots of chocolate first thing in the morning, not resist doing it because mum is policing it." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Cos my son has been taught nothing. Again, I'm a shit mum.

"How on earth do you know? In my experience, children live up - or down - to your expectations. Mine are certainly a lot more sensible and resourceful when there's nobody to offload the responsibility to!" Cool, I've also got a not-very-sensible child. Wow. Oh, and apparently I also have no clue what he might do when I'm not there.

"I would be a bit horrified if mine were only behaving correctly if I was there-in fact I found that when I wasn't there they were much better-they lived up to the responsiblity." Again, there are other ways to give responsibility to a 7yo without leaving them in charge of a house.

vmcd28 · 15/07/2011 19:42
aquos · 15/07/2011 19:44

I've found this fascinating to read all the different opinions. My dcs are 10 and 11. When they go back to school in September I am going back to work. I won't be home until 4.30 - 5.00. The dcs get in from school at 3.30. My dh says it will be ok to leave them home alone for that hour or so. I think not and have been investigating after school clubs and childminders. It's noticeable that after school clubs don't exist for 11+ kids and childminders state 12 as their maximum age. So that's rather at odds with the not leaving them alone until 14 advice.

IMO 7/8 is too young to leave unsupervised.

seeker · 15/07/2011 20:30

""How on earth do you know? In my experience, children live up - or down - to your expectations. Mine are certainly a lot more sensible and resourceful when there's nobody to offload the responsibility to!" Cool, I've also got a not-very-sensible child. Wow. Oh, and apparently I also have no clue what he might do when I'm not there.

I am honestly baffled at why you might take offense at this and think I;m saying you got a not very sensible child! What I am saying is that we have no idea what our children can do until we try - and 7 is perfectly old enough to be left alone for 20 minutes IF THEY ARE HAPPY WITH THE IDEA. No judgement of your parenting intended.

Vicky2011 · 15/07/2011 21:05

DS is 7 and tbh there is no way I would leave him for 30 mins. He is a fab lad who would not be deliberately naughty but he's just nowhere near savvy enough for me to be sure he could stay out of trouble. IMHO a LOT can happen in 30 mins!

However I do know this is something that cultures differ a lot on, so would probably offer to look after him for the 30 mins in the mornings, or at the very least making sure that the parents know to tell the lad to come to you if he has any problems while alone. Not sure I would be going the SS route as you don't have any serious other concerns.

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 21:08

exoticfruits and seeker, oh how I wish I was as good a mum as you two. I will endeavour to read all your posts to see how you manage it

Feel free! Grin
Speaking personally, generally by doing what any good parent should be doing-letting go gradually. A little at a time-age appropriate-knowing your own DC. (and if they are silly and irresponsible getting them to do more, while you are there)

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 21:09

It's noticeable that after school clubs don't exist for 11+ kids and childminders state 12 as their maximum age. So that's rather at odds with the not leaving them alone until 14 advice

Exactly-what 12/13 yr old wants a CM?

ZZZenAgain · 15/07/2011 21:10

just read the OP. I wouldn't do anything

PotPourri · 15/07/2011 21:17

Think I would ask if they need any help in the mornings - no judgement or even clearly saying that you have noticed they leave him alone. Just that you were wondering if they would like him to come round in the morning to help their daily juggle, what with you being in anyway, and your DCs liking him etc etc. If she says no, I would just leave it with a reminder that the offer is still there, and if they ever need you, just let you know.

Personally, 7 seems quite young. But I am also fully aware that practical concerns can mean that is the best option for a family. But I agree with the comments about not leaving them isolated.

Best course of action I think is - Offer your help, but not your judgement.

altinkum · 15/07/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 15/07/2011 21:38

Ah, I see the car crash scenario has been covered while I was at work (incidentally leaving dd alone at home for the best part of the day- I see the chocolate box is still intact).

Please can someone one day come back and explain to me exactly why they would want their child with them in the car on the day they crash? No, seriously? I've always wanted to know.

TheFrogs · 15/07/2011 21:43

I cant even remember being seven. I really dont think its ok to leave a seven year old alone...i've read all of this and still not changed my mind. Think my last post was subject to some ridicule maybe (thanks seeker) but whatever, shit happens and a seven year old would not know how to deal with it imo.

lovesicecream · 15/07/2011 21:45

It has nothing to do with how
Responsible my child is , I don't leave him because I believe as an adult it would be irresponsible of me at the age he is, I'm sure plenty of people have left their children alone at this age and younger I'm also sure some have regretted it, I'm not going to be one of them

PotPourri · 15/07/2011 21:53

cory - good point!! And I think it also adds to the list on the other side of things that people who didn't leave them that 30 minutes later regretted.

It's all about practicality and weighing up as best you can for your own circumstances. Do what you do, but being judgemental about others is usually not helpful.

cory · 15/07/2011 21:53

I can remember being seven perfectly well. I walked to school alone, often looked after my little brother in the afternoon, and made cakes and biscuits for tea. And was allowed to roam the island where we spent our summers because my parents (quite reasonably as it happened) trusted that I would remember where the water was deep and not go there.

As for shit happens:

a) some shit even an adult couldn't deal with- tbh if the house is suddenly invaded by a violent burglar, there would be nothing I could do to protect ds, I couldn't possibly fight a grown man, so he would be no safer if I was there; same goes for the famous car scenario- if ds is in a car crash, the presence of mummy will be no protection whatsoever

b) personality counts for a lot- when our train caught fire in the middle of the night the middle-aged lady who discovered it became hysterical, but my 9yo brother behaved calmly and sensibly

c) you can train a 7yo to ring a trusted adult if mum or dad aren't back within a certain time

d) you can take reasonable safety precautions: there is no reason the house has to be locked so the child can't get out in case of fire

exoticfruits · 15/07/2011 21:59

I can never understand why it is better to have your DC in the car crash than crying at home!

I remember being 7 yrs very clearly, at that age I walked a mile to school and took my younger brother and his friend from next door.We all did. It wasn't odd.

There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' way. Mine have now got well beyond that stage and I know that I would have regretted it if I hadn't left them for a short time at that age. I thought that I was massively over protective until I read MN where I see that I am liberal to the point of irresponsibility! (I wish my DSs realised).

By all means don't leave your DCs, if you are not happy with it, but don't claim the moral high ground-there are different ways of looking at it.

seeker · 15/07/2011 22:02

I don;t think I ridicules, TheFrogs. I think I said that if your child wasn't happy to be left - which yours obviously wouldn;'t be, then don;t leave her!

missapphire · 15/07/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Migsy1 · 15/07/2011 22:10

I agree with MorticiaAdams - Just tell the parents that he can knock on your door if necessary. That would be neighbourly without interfering. I don't think it is so bad that you need to phone SS. No way!