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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it sad only 3 parents showed up

240 replies

biddysmama · 13/07/2011 14:35

ds's school has an informal coffee afternoon for the kids with sen/ld so their parents can go in and see who will be working with their child and what they are doing/have done, they have things for younger kids to do aswell so you can talk and they tell parents how they are doing and what action atc being taken..... i went to it yesterday and out of 30 kids 3 parents went :(

i know not everyone can make it but i know some of the parents dont work (inc my neighbour who was definately at home)

their little faces as they came into the room and no one was there for them and my crazy pregnant lady hormones made me want to cry :(

OP posts:
TheGrimSweeper · 15/07/2011 10:44

Mine don't have sn. I have to say though that an informal coffee morning is somewhere at the bottom of my list of priorities. DCs get plenty of attention, lots of support, have a great life. Informal coffee morning compared to plays, sports days, parents evenings, doctor appointments etc will not leave me with knickers in a twist....

Seems like there's always something/someone ready to pile on the guilt Hmm

happyinherts · 15/07/2011 10:47

TheHumanCatapult - Until people have lived in the shoes of special needs families, they can't possibly make accurate judgements - I really wouldn't take comments to heart, like the ignorant one about being 'indifferent'

Like I said earlier, I've been escorting children to schools for just over two months. This morning met a mum with 4 primary school aged children, three at differing schools within a 20 mile radius, the youngest being profoundly deaf and mute and thereby requiring a specialist unit nowhere near his siblings schools. Mum had no transport, Dad working 10 hours a day to provide. Family have no wider family in this country. Please can someone who thinks they have the answers or judges non absence by this Mum to all school events, tell me how on earth she can manage it???? School transport would be returning sibllings before she got home on bus and then she'd be labelled as a negligent mother?? Please, take an insight into the lives of families before you make comments.

Lancelottie · 15/07/2011 10:59

Quite fancy a coffee morning today, I must say. Let's see...

--Nobody's in hospital.
--None of the three schools have rung me to collect them.
--The car's working.
--I don't have an urgent work deadline.
--None of the parents have recently sworn at our boys, or suggested that 'children like that' are a distraction to their own nice normal kids.
--The headteacher hasn't recently told us our son is the worst problem she has ever faced.
--I don't feel like bursting into tears whenever anyone speaks to me.
--I'm not pregnant.

Yep, I'm up for coffee. Anyone else?

Peachy · 15/07/2011 16:16

Of course there is the other reason I dont go
I went to a play yesterday, last before DS1 starts the SNU IO have fought long and hard for.

Lovely.... until I was approached to tell me ds1 had hurt children, 2 different approaches (one his alloated TA who should have been supervising but I understand the other kid she helps wa staken ill) and a child.

Same reason i stopped my weekly reading session.

It's embarassing in front of people, i have done all I can by getting the TA and the SNU placement, and ir ruined his last ever school play 9and besides when I spoke to ds2 who witnessed it I was told a different story entirely).

I rarely go as I don't like being confronted by aprents who are angry at me. I get why they are angry but I am doing all I can, there are 4 days left that's all!

charliejosh · 15/07/2011 16:19

I find it really sad - I would kill to be able to attend everything and be a sahm so i could be more active in ds's school life, but sadly I have to work :(

Riveninside · 15/07/2011 16:21

Wish i could work charlie. But who would employ me needing so much time off for dds appointments and end,ess visits to theschool.

Peachy · 15/07/2011 16:21

Happyinherts that's us from September- ds1 asd base. ds2 juniors locally. ds3 generic base (in opposite direction asd one typically!). ds4 preschool at infants.

ho hum

happyinherts · 15/07/2011 16:27

Peachy - fully empathise with you. Understand completely

Unlike stupid, ignorant comment from charliejosh above re wishing to be a sahm. It's not about being a sahm at all, it's about living with the disadvantages you have been dealt and trying to find a way round the nightmare of logistics you're faced with.

I do hope you have some support system in place, Peachy.

bliss88 · 15/07/2011 16:44

Aw that makes me feel very sad! thats the best thing about it is to see your childs reaction when you arrive to get them its the best feeling in the world! i understad too that some parents do worrk full hours thats why there children are in childcare but as you say your neighbour doesnt work and was at home makes me feel sick whys her child in child care anyway she shoul d be making the most of having her child around! i know its nice to have time off from your toddler lol so maybe she was tired! not making excuses she should have been there!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 15/07/2011 16:47

Did you read any of the thread bliss or just the first bit?

2shoes · 15/07/2011 16:47

bliss88 are you on a different thread to me?:o
this one is about school, nothing to do with childcare or toddlers.

aliceliddell · 15/07/2011 16:48

Just writing in to apologise for my previous ignorant comment at the top of this thread. I've now read some of the contributions on here and hopefully got a bit more educated. I have no excuse because I am disabled myself and dd, while having no official 'label' has had significant anxiety/school refusal problems. Should have more understanding of things like spontaneity, travel time, etc. Sorry! Hope you all get something tolerable for the 'holidays'.

halcyondays · 15/07/2011 16:51

Bliss,I thought the neighbour's child was at school, who said anything about her having a child in childcare??? Not sure how the OP can be so sure she was at home the whole time, she could have have had an appointment to go to.

Lancelottie · 15/07/2011 16:53

Alice, that's really nice of you (and reminds me to blush for some of the opinions I held about How To Do Parenthood before DS1 kindly wiped all trace of smuggery from our lives).

unpa1dcar3r · 15/07/2011 18:07

And ssd what a joke! My records states I have 4 with AN (so lucky you with your 15p Unpa1d, am on 7.5p LMAO ;) ) yet they would not even give me help when I was due to give birth (so I guess 3nwith An then?),

I know Peachy it's truly a bloody insult. I had hysterectomy last year, was in and out in 24 hrs (yes even though it was meant to be 6-10 days). Boys were meant to be at respite (just coincidentally not cos it was to help cos really I shoulda still been in) and hubby was crawling round on his knees virtually with gallbladder pain which he'd had to postpone his op 3 times already cos of caring- and guess what, boys got sent home instead of going to repsite cos they only had one member of staff bother to turn up and they need one each! That's the help we got!!! I was still stoned from anaethsia and morphine but apparently they were safe with me!!!
When he did finally 2 months later get to have his op the surgeon came and said he'd never seen anything like it in 30 yrs of this type of surgery, he had well over 100 stones, he said he didn't know how he was still alive never mind walking around! Angry SS are shit.

unpa1dcar3r · 15/07/2011 18:22

The point of the coffee mornings which are run by me n me mate are simply for parents/carers to come and do whatever they want; offload, have a moan, have a bloody good laugh most of the time, but also to get to know each other cos we don't meet like 'normal' parents do when they're little ones get invited to parties/sleepovers/playdays etc...
We're all in the same boat one way or t'other; all kids with very different/similar/challenging and complex needs (SEN/SN school for severe disabilities)
No one gets discluded in conversations; some lack confidence and need drawing in and once they get going it's fine.
Ours don't involve the kids in any way shape or form (thank Gawd) and we
hold them where they cannot see us so no problems there.
It's actually a chance for us to give and receive moral, emotional and practical support. Cos let's face it most of our info as carers comes from other carers and not from those who are meant to tell us! Sad but true.
Some parents have said they've learned a good few tips and bits of info about charity stuff etc. If they can't make it that's fine, no pressure, we've all got various reasons/commitments. No one is harangued for their absence.

I personally wouldn't wanna go to a coffee morning at a mainstream. Sod that for a game of conkers!

unpa1dcar3r · 15/07/2011 18:23

Oh we also get to drink copious amounts of coffee/tea and eat lots of nice cakes and biscuits!!! Yummy.

Oblomov · 15/07/2011 18:29

Have been following thread for last few days.
saddened really. but realise that not all parents can attend.
Head e-mailed me yesyerday, to meet EP on tuesady. I just can't do. I lost my driving licence, wrongly, due to diabetes, and have already paid to get to work (p/time) next week.
I missed sports day. dh went.

BUT, my school doesn't lay on special SN coffee mornings or anything. If I was at all able to go, at all, I would go.

Gooseberrybushes · 15/07/2011 18:34

If you don't turn up for your children who will. Working, busy, single, other small children, all sorts in the same boat. Some turn up, some don't.

Gooseberrybushes · 15/07/2011 18:34

And this isn't about coffee mornings. It's about turning up for your children.

Riveninside · 15/07/2011 18:40

Why gooseberry? I havent the energy. And dd is blind. I could tell her johnny depp was there and she wouldnt know. School is my respite.

Popbiscuit · 15/07/2011 18:56

I just can't imagine that there are parents who DON'T care. I just refuse to believe it so I prefer instead to imagine that some parents have the type of jobs that allow them more flexibility than others. A well-paid desk job, for example, would perhaps give you a bit more freedom to take time off for these sorts of things whereas someone who was working as a cleaning lady, cashier, janitor etc. etc. might be harder pressed to get those kind of perks. And perhaps for those families, every penny counts and it's more about the big picture? I'm not sure if I'm articulating that very well but just to say that maybe some parents have to choose between attending school events and putting food on the table.

I'm a stay-at-home mom so have no excuse but I admit it's sometimes tempting to skip events rather than drag my two smaller ones along, so that could be another reason?

Pagwatch · 15/07/2011 18:56

And it's also about how occasionally not turning up is the most sensible thing to do

Gooseberrybushes · 15/07/2011 19:24

If your daughter wuoldn't be disappointed then I can't see why.

Of course there are parents who don't care popbiscuit. You know that feeling you have when your knackered, late, angry, pissed off, got misbehaving, grouchy children and you think, God, I really can't be arsed to go to this. ..and then you go? So, there are parents that don't.

Gooseberrybushes · 15/07/2011 19:24

you're

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