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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it sad only 3 parents showed up

240 replies

biddysmama · 13/07/2011 14:35

ds's school has an informal coffee afternoon for the kids with sen/ld so their parents can go in and see who will be working with their child and what they are doing/have done, they have things for younger kids to do aswell so you can talk and they tell parents how they are doing and what action atc being taken..... i went to it yesterday and out of 30 kids 3 parents went :(

i know not everyone can make it but i know some of the parents dont work (inc my neighbour who was definately at home)

their little faces as they came into the room and no one was there for them and my crazy pregnant lady hormones made me want to cry :(

OP posts:
unpa1dcar3r · 14/07/2011 15:23

Why would parents of children with special needs want to come to a meeting which was just for parents of other children with special needs. Having a child with special needs is hard enough without wearing a badge to tell the world. This needs to be handled with sensitivity.

Well Annbenoli I would guess its to get support in matters that are special needs based for one thing! E.g no good trying to explain to another parent of a 'normal' 14 yr old about how your 14 yr with SN has pood his bed last night and what would they do about this problem, do they have any tips, what did they do when their 'normal' 14 yr old did this...

That's actually quite a ridiculous thing to say! I have 2 boys both very SLD and both go to a special needs school where all the kids are special needs and all the parent/carers are parent/carers of kids with special needs. Should we not have a coffee morning then in case we're 'wearing a badge' to announce that our kids have SEN/SN?
What am I going to have in common with parents of 'normal' kids of 12 and 14? The ones who go out to the parks on their bikes, play computer games, have sleepovers...have mates!
Absolutely sod all is what. What do I have in common with other parent/carers? erm, well the list is endless TBH...for one thing it's nice to say I'm really peed off today cos so and so happened with X or Y and they go awww we KNOW exactly how you feel (and they really really do)

I can't actually believe this is what you really think! Confused

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2011 15:34

I wasn't judging SAHP? Just that, ime, it is generally more affluent areas that have a higher proportion of SAHP.

I do find what you're saying interesting though. I couldn't afford to stay at home because I'm a single parent and therefore have no other option but to work full time.

As single parents can't afford to stay at home and parents of disabled children can't afford to work what would a single parent of a disabled child do? Genuine question. Seems like an impossible conundrum to me.

2shoes · 14/07/2011 15:36

give up , live in poverty stuff like that, or if they are lucky work and rely on family to look after their dc. I am not a lone parent so don't know how they cope.
only know that I would be lucky to find a job which would pay enough to pay for a carer for dd.

unpa1dcar3r · 14/07/2011 15:40

I think more often than not, unless the single parent has lots of family support, that they too would be forced to stay at home Manic.
If the child is or the children are disabled enough not to be able to be left alone then what choice would the parent/carer have?
Tell you sommat, speaking from my own experience, you get eff all help from SS even though they're meant to help you/enable you return to work/education or leisure activities under the carers equal rights act (2004)

No sadly many rely on meagre carers allowance (£55 pw- or 30p per hour- in my case 15p per hour cos I got two kids with SN and you only get carers allw for one) plus other benefits.
Many are just too bloody knackered to work even if they could manage it somehow with support!

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/07/2011 15:44

Only read 1st page but this makes me so sad! I work full time but would do everything in my power to get to something like this there's always annual leave shift swaps change day off etc!

Poor poor children I remember my mum didn't turn up to a few things when I was a kid and it really hurt/embarrassed me.

Pagwatch · 14/07/2011 15:46

Then maybe read a bit more Edward ....

Oh that life were so bloody simple.

Riveninside · 14/07/2011 15:49

They stay at home manic. Many of my friends are single parents of disabled children. They are up most of the night, they have multiple appointments and man hospital stays etc. Luckily, they are allowed to remain on income supprt once their child reaches 7.

Riveninside · 14/07/2011 15:50

Do you have a disabled child Edward?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 14/07/2011 15:51

I may be being a bit ilogical/whatever

but I find all this Sad and poor, poor, children directed at kids with SN/SENs/LDs is pissing me off a bit.

2shoes · 14/07/2011 16:00

thefirstMrsDeVere no you are thinking the same as me. makes me think of the faces people pull when they see dumped puppies.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/07/2011 16:02

I don't have a disabled child but doesn't change my answer, I do have experience of kids with SEN, both my brother and nephew have ASD and LD fortunately they don't have physical problems except nephew is still in nappies/incontinence pants so they're problems are mostly social and academic?!
But I just can't help picture the kids faces when they see no one has come for them, I remember that feeling myself and it was horrible

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/07/2011 16:04

I understand if u have other kids with SN it could make it a lot more difficult Childcare etc
And I don't take lightly how difficult it must be to look after DC with SN so I don't imagine the parents are at home watching Jeremy Kyle as some have suggested

But from the kids POV it is sad

RogerMelly · 14/07/2011 16:05

I can never go to the coffee mornings at my childs special school because
(a) I live 12 miles away from the school
(b)The time of the group means I would not get back to pick my other children up in time.

It's not because I don't want to go, I do and would love to meet some aprents from the school as I don't know anyone, but as I have other children and live further away my circumstances are a bit more complicated. That said, i do go to aprents evening, sports days, appointments at the school etc. and I do notice even to those kind of things there is a very poor turnout but when children have autism and complex needs it can often be hard for them to see you out of context as it distresses them too much. Also alot of children with SN are cared for, rather than with their own parents and I am sure this makes a difference aswell :( Couple that with people living further afeild and not being able to drive also.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/07/2011 16:08

I'm not directing "poor poor children" comment because they have SN but because they would obviously have been expecting someone to turn up for them who didn't

It is Sad regardless of wether it's a coffee morning for SN kids or a sports day for "normal" kids if parents don't turn up it would be sad for them
Didn't mean to piss any1 off but clearly have sorry

basingstoke · 14/07/2011 16:11

I don't turn up for my children's stuff if it's during the day. They know not to expect me, so I hope are not looking around mournfully.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 14/07/2011 16:22

Isnt just you edward it is a recurring theme in the thread.

Its like the feeling that parents of children with SN should somehow try harder and be better than parents whose kids dont have SN. People are not judging parents who are working (and so they shouldnt) but its fine to judge parents who have children with SN. This is done without any proper thought going into why they are not there.

Look at the first few pages - parents are crap, some parents dont give a shit, look at Jeremy Kyle etc etc.

I have listed lots and lots of reasons why parents may not be there - being crap is only one of them. Lots of other parents have given their reasons too.

It is ridiculous for posters to suggest that the parents dont care about their children's education. It took two years of fighting and horrible stress to actually get my child an education. I think many people take the edcuation their children get for granted but as a parent of a child with SN its pretty hard to do that. You are reminded regularly that you better not take it for granted because it could all change at the next review.

I mean, how many parents of NT kids have to worry that they might get a letter telling them that their child will no longer be allowed to stay at the school because they dont fit the criteria anymore? If my son does 'too well' he might get kicked back to mainstream.

RogerMelly · 14/07/2011 16:24

Coffee mornings are for the parents anyway, not the children.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/07/2011 16:34

I know that feeling too about worrying about the kids education my nephew is in SN school ATM he is going into primary 3, they have now told his mother that they "can't cope" with him and he needs to find another school he has severe ASD and still wears nappies can't talk etc and he's now going to have to face a change of school after 2yrs with new kids teachers etc which I think will be v v hard for him.
I dont think it's fine to judge parents of special needs kids but not parents who work, IMO it's just as sad if a kids parents have v important jobs and therefore never go to their sports days plays parents evening etc for that reason
I always looked forward to parents days at school to show my mum how clever I had been etc, she rarely turned up even after years of not turning up I still always thought she'll come to this one, I was always gutted

Pagwatch · 14/07/2011 16:48

I understand that Edward.
But even then that assumes that my child or most of his peers will react the same.
Several of the dcs in my sons class get incredibly upset if their mother appears at school. It is too much, too confusing, too emotional.

Some parents don't show for reasons outside their own desire to attend.

With my son, I turn up for most things. But a morning event is agony for him because he expects to be able to go home with me.
So an event in the morning requires that I weigh the possibility that he will miss me against the tears and distress and upset he will experience when I leave and go home leaving him at school for afternoon classes.

It is a judgement call. Sometimes it is kinder to him to not come.

RogerMelly · 14/07/2011 16:52

I think it's really hard to explain to someone how distressing it can be for many children with severe and complex needs for their day to just go slightly out of sync. If transport is 5 mionutes late for my duaghter it will definately upset the whole day and sometimes the day after Confused

RogerMelly · 14/07/2011 16:53

sorry i can spell, my typing is squiffyBlush

2shoes · 14/07/2011 17:06

Pagwatch I used to get that dd would cry and cry if I went into school and didn't take her home with me, it used to be horrible and very upsetting.

Pagwatch · 14/07/2011 17:25

Awwww 2shoes - It makes you feel so shit doesn't it?

The first time was the school nativity. I just sat there - he was crying, I was crying and I just remember thinking " this is supposed to be one of the nice bits. The bit where it is just all smiles and 'oh how sweet' and you forget about all those P levels on his school report and the lack of team sports and no art stuck on the fridge. But even this isn't easy"

Fuck it.

tabulahrasa · 14/07/2011 19:06

'Its like the feeling that parents of children with SN should somehow try harder and be better than parents whose kids dont have SN.'

As far as I know I was the only one who said something similar to that - but that wasn't actually what I said, I said I made more of an effort with DS to go to school things because it was the uncomplicated bit of school - that was the bit I could do something about, so I would.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 14/07/2011 19:15

Maybe some of these parents are having a well earned rest to recharge the batteries to be able to carry on looking after their kids when they are not at school. Maybe some are working to make ends meet. Maybe the ones not working are looking after other small children or elderly relatives. maybe they were not well.