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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it sad only 3 parents showed up

240 replies

biddysmama · 13/07/2011 14:35

ds's school has an informal coffee afternoon for the kids with sen/ld so their parents can go in and see who will be working with their child and what they are doing/have done, they have things for younger kids to do aswell so you can talk and they tell parents how they are doing and what action atc being taken..... i went to it yesterday and out of 30 kids 3 parents went :(

i know not everyone can make it but i know some of the parents dont work (inc my neighbour who was definately at home)

their little faces as they came into the room and no one was there for them and my crazy pregnant lady hormones made me want to cry :(

OP posts:
cat64 · 13/07/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MoreBeta · 13/07/2011 15:35

It is very sad that only 3 parents turned up BUT there is a mesage here too.

I agree with flyingspaghettimonster that schools need to consider how much interaction is too much interaction. In general, holding fewer but better supported events would be preferable. My children are not SEN but there was an event every week at their school for the whole of the last term. In the end it was just impossible for most parents, mnay of whom work.

I really think that one main event and perhaps a parents evening is enough. I do also rather suspect that parents of SEN children really value the respite that sending children to school brings. All of them, I am sure, have regular interaction with the teaching/care staff anyway on a one-to-one basis if necessary.

Pagwatch · 13/07/2011 15:35

Can I say it is very easy to jump to 'they can't be arsed' when it may be nothing like as straightforward as that.

I have a son with sn and there are events I miss.

When he was small I was massively depressed, struggling to come to terms with his issues and not coping. I found going into his school very upsetting.

I also have other children who have to work around ds 2 when he is not in school - I may have something I need to do with them like a dentist appt or school related matter.

Equally, when he was at home I couldn't leave the house. I cannot leave him alone and he copes poorly with my doing things that are not about him - like, you know, smear test or buying knickers.

Some of his peers have friends who themselves have sn or anxiety/depression.

There may be lots of reasons why parents did not make it.
Some may even be because they don't give a shit.
But my experience and my intuition suggests it may be a bit more complicated than that.

Pagwatch · 13/07/2011 15:38

That was rambling because I am cross.

I have no doubt that some parents don't give a shit.

But to fail to factor in the additional pressures that the parents of children with sn are likely to face, including depression, relationship difficulties, poor support, financial difficulties etc etc is incredibly judgemental and simplistic

2shoes · 13/07/2011 15:40

there is a mum at dd's school who never goes to these things, I always wondered why until she told me her dd would get to supset by the change in routine it became pointless,
same reason I never go to dd's appointments like the dentist(held at school) because if I go she licks off, if staff take her she is good.
I hope people at her school don't judge me as not caring(I do go to the sodding boring meet and greet crap though)

ruddynorah · 13/07/2011 15:40

So the whole class were invited to see what the children with special needs have been doing? Is that on top of an open day for everyone to see what everyone's been doing?

Original poster
biddysmama · 13/07/2011 15:43

no, theres 30 kids with sn or ld/struggling

OP posts:
2shoes · 13/07/2011 15:48

op do you know all the parents (apart from your neighbour) and all their reasons for not being there?

tabulahrasa · 13/07/2011 15:55

well assuming that the OP went because her child has an sn so is fairly well informed on what parenting a child with an sn involves and that really, 3 out of 30 is a really really low turn out - I don't see why she can't be a bit judgy about it...

Even making allowances for the extra work it involves and that it makes home life more complicated anyway, I'd come away thinking it was a wee shame as well

Pagwatch · 13/07/2011 15:57

[sigh]

I was not posting exclusively to the op but to those who have commented about parents not giving a shit.

And I have a child with sn which gives me a little insight but amazingly not all parents/families/siblings cope exactly the same.

2shoes · 13/07/2011 15:59

what paggy said

potoroo · 13/07/2011 16:00

I was going to jump in with a message - but I'll just say "What Pagwatch said".

When DS was first diagnosed with ASD I was completely overwhelmed and anxious. I would have found this really hard.

Now DH and I and another parent are organising a sort of parents SEN group. We know that for a while the numbers are likely to be small, but that's OK. We'll be there if needed.

bedheadz · 13/07/2011 16:02

My child has SEN i would love school to put something like that on, i would be there with bells on.

How sad that so few parents turned up.

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 16:02

Dds school does this but you know what? I dont go. Because when dd is at school is the only chance i get ti sleep and its 3 miles away. With hills.
We have so many appointments and life is so shit that one more thing to attend is one thing too many.
So shoot me.

tabulahrasa · 13/07/2011 16:05

I wasn't really answering you so much pagwatch, more saying...I agree that 3 out of a potential 30 is a lower than expected turnout and that I'd find it sad as well.

sadly a surprising amount of parents actually don't give a shit, children with sn or not. I know more parents at DS's school didn't go to IEP meetings than did (from signing in, lol).

In some schools I've been in as many as 20% of parents never attend a parent's evening. (mainstream schools I'm not singling out SEN)

and even if all 27 sets of parents had some reason for not attending, it's still a wee shame.

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 16:06

Oh, and its 'has' sn, not 'is' sn. My child is a child first but who hapoens to have cerebral palsy and other impairments.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/07/2011 16:06

Pag is the voice of reason and sense as per usual.

There may be a myriad of reasons. Yes some of the parents are probably feckless twats but I imagine that a lot of the parents have a genuine reason for not attending.

Yes it is sad but it is rather melodramatic to judge people when you don't know the reasons behind it. It could be no more sinister than they have had to go to work to pay the mortgage.

Allinabinbag · 13/07/2011 16:12

I think there must have been something putting them off attending? Is it a mainstream school with good facilities for sn/ld or a different type of school?Have they ever tried this type of event before?

I personally am fed up of being guilted into going in to my dd's school all the time at inconvenient times of the day, school assembly, coffee mornings/tea in the afternoon for reception (just because), parents afternoon/evening, sports day, meet the teacher, watch the sex ed video, blah blah. I do go in most times, and re-jig work, but not everyone can do that. More parents work than don't (in the country as a whole) so I think they should focus on one or two key events a term and give all the informal socializing a rest. But it is the upset child scenario which keeps me going back in...

Thruaglassdarkly · 13/07/2011 16:14

I think to assume all absent parents who also happen to be SAHM "don't give a shit" or are "watching Home And Away" (which, of course, is all we SAHM DO all day) is a bit rich. You have no idea what's going on in peoples' lives, as Riven and others have pointed out. YANBU to feel for the little ones, but others ABU to castigate all absent parents.

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 16:14

I get away with it. Dd is nearly blind so has no idea if im in the audience or not. Its a mainstream so lots of oarents attend. Long as they cart her off at 8.30 and bring her home at some point im too tired to care. She is happy. Im happy.

tabulahrasa · 13/07/2011 16:20

Well to be fair, I get away with a lot of school things as DS usually doesn't care if I'm there or not, lol.

DD is much harder to palm off...

I'd never expect a high turn out for something at school during the day, but anything under a third would make me notice and think it was a bit sad.

Though I was really shocked when I started going into schools as a student and realised that there are a few children in every class who have never had anybody at all come in for a parent's evening Sad

Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:20

Don;t think i;ve ever been to one yet I am at home.....

with my toddler (being assessed for AS and likely to ruin any coffee morning)

or maybe asleep after looking after the boys (apart from toddler we have ds1 AS;; ds2 suspected adhd; ds3 autism) all night

oooh lazy me, whip me with a birch and send me to coventry

(I do make it to plays though, usually anyway- sometimes the three schools we utilise cruelly forget to compare timetables and event clash, have asked for a bcon slicer to chop myself in half the last few social services assessments but sadly it would cost them too much)

Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:30

Also worth pinting out that very pften we are in more than other aprents anyway, and it's often the case that the aprents will have further to travel to get there for SN kids.

IEP every term, statement review annually, likely to be a few extra bits on top...

As for distance ds1's SNU will be 30 minutes in one direction; ds3's is 30 minutes in the other- an even that covers drop off time / pick up time or anything within 30 minutes of it is a no-no becaue I also have to be at the MS provision for the boys there.

Of course some paents will be crap; some may just be coping with the stuff Pag said and of course statistically the chances of the parents having a simialr disorder or a related one are quite high (and likely to affect organisational skills).

But if the Mums at the coffee mornings we are invited to judge my non attendance without knowing then hard cheese, they know not and all that.

TheHumanCatapult · 13/07/2011 16:30

Istruggle to get to ds stuff its 3 and 1/2 hrs by public transport each way !!!.so 7hrs travelling for a coffee morning no thank you .

And i suspect sometime sparents are fed up of havin to attend tio be lectured by proffesionals who sometimes have less of idea what to do than the parents .

I tend to refuse nearly all courses now that i get invited to.

Tab see above post plus i have 3 more dc .I made it to parents evening this year .appointment was running late so I missed train home so missed connection then delays took me over 6 hrs to get home .And really no point as we had Ar only few months back

Thanks to the posters that say crap parents becuase i already feel guilty enough that in a class of 10 sometime smy cild is only one without a parent there .

But theres only so much I can do

Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:32

What happened to my last post? ,confused> I posted twice!

First one said I rarely attend the coffee mornings becuase I am at home... dealing with a toddler also being assessed for AS and likely to knock over their coffee before disappearing down the corridors at breakneck speed.

I do them a service with my non attendance I assure you!

if that makes me a bad mummy then whip me with birch and send me to Coventry .

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