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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it sad only 3 parents showed up

240 replies

biddysmama · 13/07/2011 14:35

ds's school has an informal coffee afternoon for the kids with sen/ld so their parents can go in and see who will be working with their child and what they are doing/have done, they have things for younger kids to do aswell so you can talk and they tell parents how they are doing and what action atc being taken..... i went to it yesterday and out of 30 kids 3 parents went :(

i know not everyone can make it but i know some of the parents dont work (inc my neighbour who was definately at home)

their little faces as they came into the room and no one was there for them and my crazy pregnant lady hormones made me want to cry :(

OP posts:
Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:33

See it came up after that

Damned PC

Ah well

Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:35

MoreBeta- thank you good post

Biddys- do the kids not have link books? Do the TAs not attend IEp meetings? I see ds1's TA daily, and ds3's is on the end of a phone whenever I need her!

iphonedrone · 13/07/2011 16:36

We have regular tea and talk sessions with the head, informal come and chat, we've had NO parents at the last 3 session. They all love to bitch and moan in the playground but never actually do anything about it.

Apparently they would come if we 'had bacon sandwiches', yep that sounds like a brilliant thing to spend school money on...what was it you were moaning about? the old crappy reading books? Hmm

This is out of a school with 170 kids

spookshowangel · 13/07/2011 16:37

i probably wouldnt have gone tbh, but would have told dc in advance. i go to dd's statement meeting,parent teacher evenings, good work assembles, plays etc. i read my dd message book every day i know whats going on with her. an informal coffee morning would not be high on my list of priorities.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/07/2011 16:37

Ok that does seem a very low turnout.

We dont know what the turnout would be for those children without SN/LD etc. Parents with children with additional needs should have to be 'better' than those of children without.

I am a parent with a child with SN and I am also a professional who works with families with disabled children. I work with some lovely colleagues but an constantly suprised at how little insight they have into the lives of these families.

They are quick to label famlies as 'hard to engage' and they stamp DNA all over missed appointments.

Of course its worrying and annoying when parents dont show for appts but a quick look behind the scenes is very illuminating.

As Rivenside said - some parents are knackered and have to sleep in the day.
A lot of parents have so many appts that they have to pick the ones that are most important or they would have NO life outside clinics, schools, hospitals etc.
I remember the indignation on the SW face when I told them I would not be able to attend as many meetings for DS2. Even after I explained that DD's chemo had to come first Hmm
Not everyone is super organised. In order to keep track of all of DS's appts I had a desk diary and a pocket diary and a wall chart. WHen DD got sick and I had to add hers there was barely an empty day AND many appts clashed. I became so anxious about missing something that I simply lost the ability to remember. I HAD to write it all down. Five years later I still become clammy and anxioius before I make an appt.
Lots of famiies have children in more than one setting and/or more than one with additonal needs.
Lots of parents are simply NOT ready to face the fact that their child is 'different'. Some may not even understand that their child has SN so may disregard the invite as 'not for them'.
Some parents dont want seperate events for their children. If this is a mainstream school I woud question the need for a different even for the children with SN.
If it is a special needs school bear in mind that children often live far away from the school and are bought in by transport.
Lots of parents - those with ESL and LDS themselves and even Deaf parents who use BSL as a first language find it hard to access information sent out by schools. They miss loads of stuff simply because they cannot read.
Some parents dont give a toss about their child's education.
Some parents do but trust the school to get on with it without their involvement.

TheCrunchyside · 13/07/2011 16:42

My first thought was - how sad for the kids and it is lovely to meet them all and their parents. Then I remembered that I'd missed the last three monthly support groups for parents with SEN. Blush Twice because it clashed with me working part time (and have taken off so much time for blood tests, school meetings and hosp appts that I fear the sack!) the other time because I had been running late all day and just couldn't face waking my toddler up from her nap and dragging her down the school with me .

I do feel bad because the support with other parents and chatting with teaching support staff is so lovely and I don't want them to stop offering it because it is badly supported.

Didn't really feel this thread was that judgy - many were trying to put themselves in the shoes of us parents with kids with SEN and I appreciate that Smile.

TheCrunchyside · 13/07/2011 16:43

meant parents of kids with SEN! Blush

Peachy · 13/07/2011 16:44

Valid point about picking and choosing invites.

I am sure some people think I am evil for not engaging with 379 therapy programs costing several hundred quid each, but I ahd to call a close to that eyars ago, as well as superfluous meetings, becuase frankly wake up, cope, go to sleep is my level some days and I don;t know which days in advance that would be.

Sometimes i feel that makes me a failure then on otehr days I see the shock on the faces of professionals who ask our family history and realise that actually, the cope bit mreans we are pretty OK.

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 16:46

Aw Biddy that is always so sad for the children Sad
I've just set up a coffee morning at my sons' SEN school. 1st one 17 showed up, excellent, 2nd one only 8. I'm hoping it doesn't set a trend! There are potentially 60 odd who could be there...It's very hard to keep motivated.

Dexifehatz · 13/07/2011 16:48

I have been a working mom [I work in DS school now] and I would have been there.

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 16:49

Dds school does do coffee mornings every friday for everyone (its a mainstream but has 15 severely disabled children).
I went once. No one spoke to me as they all lived in the same posh area and all knew each other via toddlers and baby groups. Years when dd was in and out of hospital with medical crises. So i thought, sod em and use the time to sleep.

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 16:50

You might find many parents consider school respite unpaidcarer. I do. 7 hours dd free time. She needs constant attention. Theres no break, not even for a wee when she is at home.

TheHumanCatapult · 13/07/2011 16:52

unpa

not every parent can get there .3hrs 30 mins public transport each way if you done at ds school .I would have been a no thank you .

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 16:58

Yes i understand that Riven. It's funny you should say that; exactly what my SW seems to think haha- they're not at school cos it's the bloody law or to get an education, they're simply there to provide respite so social services don't have to!
But that aside, I know many parents work full and PT, some have their grandkids while mums/dads work, some just are simply lacking in confidence, are too tired etc...it's just a shame cos they could receive so much support, like we all do from each other, and also get to meet other parents cos we don't meet at the school gates like 'normal' kids parents.
Anyway we shall see...8 is still good considering I think.

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 17:02

Blimey Human, why on earth does it take so long to get to your child school? Is it miles away or just crappy transport?
That must be very hard for you.
I must say though that we do offer to organise transport for people who don't drive/have a car, but where I live it's reasonably do-able.

2shoes · 13/07/2011 17:04

i went to a couple of coffe mornings, one where all the mums sat about and competed to see who had the hardest birth and then the illest child !!
the second i knew no one and was sooooo bored.
dd's school is 16 miles away, i know the school, I Know the 4 sets of parents in her year(oops 3 I am one of them) I do not need to drive 16 miles each way to see dd(see enough of her when she is home)

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/07/2011 17:07

I visted someone this week. She is a very involved and caring mum. Her DD had FIVE appts this week and mum is pregnant and had to fit her own antenatal care in as well.

She wouldnt have gone to the meeting.

And she would have cried about it when I went to her house.

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 17:07

That sounds divine 2shoes!!! NOT.
I wouldn't bother either- rather not think about giving birth and clearing up copious amounts of vomit never mind taking about it!!!
Ours are for parents/carers, not the kids! Like you say we see enough of them.
Got 7 weeks coming up Friday...dreading it!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 13/07/2011 17:09

'YANBU. I hate looking at the little faces of the children as they come into the room all expectantly looking round for someone who isn't there.'

I expect that's how dd looked when I couldn't make sports day Sad
I know it can't be helped but reading posts about disappointed faces and sad children doesn't really help.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/07/2011 17:15

I forgot to add to my list of reasons:

Parents who have negative experiences of their own schooling and limited expectations of how the school will support their own children.

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 17:17

And of course those schools who are not very proactive in promoting parent/carer participation!

2shoes · 13/07/2011 17:18

that is another thing a lot of parents are looking down the barrel at 6 weeks of school being closed, no breaks, no respite. perhaps the last thing they want to do is go to the school

Riveninside · 13/07/2011 17:23

Dont remind me about the 6 weeks. Sob. No sleep. Im at breakdown point already and vomit daily as im so exhausted. 6 fucking weeks Sad

tabulahrasa · 13/07/2011 17:29

'Tab see above post plus i have 3 more dc .I made it to parents evening this year .appointment was running late so I missed train home so missed connection then delays took me over 6 hrs to get home .And really no point as we had Ar only few months back'

When I'm talking about children having no parents ever coming to parents evening - I'm not talking about children with SENs, just that there are a surprising amount of pupils who go through their entire school career without a parent ever coming in to discuss their progress, which I honestly think is pretty apalling.

Obviously if you've recently been to a meeting, parent's evening's are a bit of a waste of time - in primary, I used to go even though they were a week after IEP reviews, mostly so that DP had a chance to talk to the teacher as well, but if I lived further from the school I'd not have bothered.

I'm not saying every parent who doesn't go to something is a shit parent or anything, but I do think it's a bit of a shame that something where children were waiting had such a low turn out and seperately, it's amazing how many parents in general just aren't interested in how their child is doing at school.

SpookyMadMummy · 13/07/2011 17:31

Just my two pence worth, My dd's SN school is approx 5 miles away, I have 2 other children, a DH who works away and I don't drive. I can't get to these things much as I would like to. Sometimes the way it seems isn;t how it is.