FFS ! my SIS again ! to paraphrase Sigourney Weaver "the b***h won't die"

[kitty4paws]

Brief back story ( at risk of boring to death those who know it sorry )

Dh has severe short term memory loss, can't remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

During visits to MY sister (though of course I only have SIS word for it [humm])

1. DH has decided that all their converstaions are private and confidential
2. SIS has started to arrange a second opinion for my DH
3. DH has given written permssion for SIS to have access to his medical notes
4. SIS has decided on a different diagnosis to that put forward by his HCP
5. DH/SIS have organised a counselors appointment for DH
6. DH has arranged for a meeting with DH's GP that only SIS was to attend

SIS did not tell me ANY of this directly, I found out about it by pure chance,I was not included in any way.

After all this DH and I talked and he wrote a letter to SIS asking for information that SIS refused to give me. The letter asked for a reply by email, it did not ask for a face to face meeting or any other contact.

SIS took it uoon herself to talk to DH about the letter and , surprise , surprise [roll] he "decided" to ask her to ignore the letter and thus none of the questions WE had agreed uopn were answered. aaarrgghhh !!!

Now SIS also wants to attend all appooitnmets and be "an intrumental part" in DH medical affairs.

My Dh WANTS her at the appointmets, but I feel physically sick at the thought of sharing personal inormation about our lives ( me and DH) with her

what do I do ?????

Every time I get her to back off she waits a while and then gets in contact with DH again and suddenly every thing we discuss as husband and wife is turned on its head as soon as he speaks to her.

Legally DH is entitled to who ever he wants in his appointmetns and SIS is very,VERY careful to make sure she stays on the "right" side of the law but morally , well (sigh) I just do'nt know ,

so come on collective wisdom of MN help me out !

I don't understand why you don't get to to back off by taking legal action? This is surely the only thing you can do now and has been suggested numerous times before?

Kitty

I have read various threads you have written and I am just writing to express my sympathy for your situation.

All I can suggest is stopping all contact between your DH and your sister - even if you have to use your DH memory against him (i also get that this is easier said that done, but maybe you have to do that legally - i.e. get POA from your DH and put through a restraining order or something)

He IS a vulnerable adult and she is taking advantage of that. (repeat to yourself 100 times).

It also sounds like you can't trust the rest of your family not to tell your sister everything, so you may have to exclude them too.

This about you and survival - you are looking after your DH, no one is looking after you, and your sister is absolutely not thinking about your or your DH in this situation but about herself.

Good luck, it all sounds so horrible and your sister is just making it all so much harder!

I also get why its not easy to take the legal action, given that you have a DH who likes your sister and doesn't remember any of the bad things she does.

If you keep him away from her for a while, will he forget her? Horrible I know, but it might be your only option.

Hairfull : I am in the process of taking legal action , I have contacted our solicitor today and I am waiting for a reply so I can make an appoitnment. not sure what esle I can do "leaglly" ATM.

Nothing really to add here except that I am so so sorry that you are in this terrible situation. Glad to hear that you are finally going to get some legal advice and I do have to echo what others have said here - your sis sounds deranged and possibly suffering from some sort of Munchausens. Your sis needs to be told to get the hell out of your lives and some way needs to be found to make your dh understand that her interference is unhealthy on a number of different levels (not least that it is making you utterly miserable and jeopardising your happiness as a couple). Enlist all the family members you can to tell her to f* off. Good luck and stay strong.

i think you neeed to get legal help. go see a solicitor.

If your married then their won't be much she can do please go and get power of attonery so you can tell her to get back.

But Kitty in your example of a 15 year old girl being groomed online - there is no way you are ever going to be able to monitor their behaviour 24 hours a day, so you need to figure out what she's getting from the guy that she's not getting from you - same as with your DH. He clearly feels it's beneficial (at least some of the time) to have Sis involved. So somehow you have to figure out why he values her input and see if you can replace that so he doesn't feel the need to run back to her.

Especially if you are relying on her for respite care, it must be really hard for her not to comment on his treatment if he forgets that she is not supposed to be involved and asks her opinion.

Which makes it even more important that you get an independant guardian for him so that they make the decisions as to what happens.

So for example in your AD example, (and I happen to think they give great results) it wouldn't be a question of what you or Sis thinks, it would be about what is best for DH and no one could argue with that - Sis included.

Northern : I have not been relying on her for respite care ??? I have never said this.

"it even more important that you get an independant guardian for him"

Excaue me but he does not NEED an independent "guardian" he has ME, his NEXT OF KIN and untill SS or some other professional body can find fault with my handling of DH's affairs then everyone else can just BUTT OUT.

SIs is weclome to get SS if she so sees fit , but I wonder who they will see has his best interests at heart.

Noirthern "it must be really hard for her not to comment on his treatment if he forgets that she is not supposed to be involved and asks her opinion."

Not hard at all , she just changes the subject

OK, he doesn´t go to her for care.

So he goes to her why?

Out of choice or because she suggests it?

How did they get on before this?

He goes becasue she is a good listener, and all this has been such a mess because I did not want to deny him a "Place to go "

Northern you are misinterpreting my post which may have been unclear. I said that Kitty's DH goes to visit OSIS which gives Kitty a bit of respite i.e. a break not formal respite care. He sometimes pops in to see her during the day not goes there for weeks on end! It was simply to point out that OSIS doesn't have to engineer a situation where she sees Kitty's DH on his own.

Northern - I suspect you are coming to this thread without having read the previous threads so haven't got the full backstory.

chazs : thnaks for the post, but northern does know the back story just seems to "have in it" for me

Northern - if I understand things correctly, kitty's dh's condition means that he could be manipulated into signing things (ie the letter giving the Osis access to medical records), and wouldn't remember either the manipulation, making the decision, or why he should be careful of this person in the first place.

And Osis is not listening to the man's primary carer, so will never have the full picture of his condition - so I can tell you, as a health care professional myself, this makes her meddling not just irritating but potentially dangerous for the man.

I have to agree with kitty - you seem very antagonistic towards her, and your attitude cannot be helping her in coping with this very difficult situation. I suggest you take a long hard look at what you are doing, and the pain you might be causing to this lady, and back off!!

Kitty - I honestly think a good first defence would be letters to all concerned with your dh's care, signed by you both, saying that no letters should be acted upon by them, unless you have both signed them. Then if your Osis tries to make a new appointment or get access to records, she won't be able to, as she won't have your signature.

Kitty does dh have any friends you/he could trust to be his "place to go"? Anyone who won't report back to sis? Does anyone know if there are any support groups out there that could help? Perhaps if he had others to talk to he would forget about getting in touch with her?

THe 'sex' thing is obviously completely irrelevant: this sister is obsessed with her view of herself as a medical saviour and the Person Who Is Always Right. Which is why what is needed is heavy legal sanctions: a restraining order and reporting her behaviour to her professional body: it's not impossible that she has preyed on other vulnerable individuals in the past. I have known one or two people a bit like this, it's not even money that they are chasing, it's this fantasy of being the one who saves the day (despite the fact that they are always wrong or pushing some seriously dodgy woo agenda).

SGB makes a good point there,Kitty - if OSIS has done this to your DH, she could have done it to others. She's a live-in carer, I think you once said - that puts her in a real position of power over her caree, no? And whatever kind of health care professional she is, she will have a regulating body and it is very likely she will have breached their rules of conduct.

I remember you. You poor thing.

Cease and desist letter from the solicitor to your sister.
Arrange with your DH that you have power of attorney.
Notes on his records and it might be worth going in and having a word with the GP practice manager as well.

how are you now OP? Have you heard back from solicitor yet? I think legal action is the only way forward.

Hello- not read whole thread yet, appologies if this has been said.
This is IME a position to take to a lawyer that specialises in the Mental Capacity Act 2008. This act was passed to be able to provide care to people who are not mentally ill, but lack the ability to make decicion, because they can not weigh up the long term consequences.
2 options, if I understand rightly- either DH can hand over his affairs to you voluntarily. That is accepted practice in people that have some capacity, but feel they can't properly cope any more. Or, if the lawyer decides that is not possible/ he does not have ability to do that, then you have grounds to take it through the court of protection (long!)

Since your DH can't remember any conversations, how do you know your DSis does not tell him privately that you have asked for her to be there, so he agrees to please you? He would not know this is untrue. She might be getting his permission under false pretences.

mrstiredandconfused - from what I've understood from previous threads, it isn't Kitty's DH that is re-instigating the contact - its the SIS. And although she'll back off for a month or so after a blow up when Kitty and her DH present a united front, sooner or later she'll be back talking to Kitty's DH and he doesn't remember any of the reasons why they asked her to go away and stay there (if he remembers they asked her to go away at all). Apologies all around if I've got that wrong.

Kitty - I'm so sorry your Sis is making a difficult situation so much harder for you. Do the rest of your family think she's the golden girl who can do no wrong, or can you talk to them about the problems you're having? It would be so good for you to have some support in this situation, as well as your DH have a listening ear. And good to know that your SIS isn't being encouraged to interfere by relatives who don't know what effect she's having on your family life.

Kitty could you get legal advise regarding your sister here, I've read your previous threads and I think you need to get her to utterly back off for good, I'd look into the possibility of gettnig a restraining order against her, that she stays away from your husband and you.

I know she's family, but she is making a stressful situation intolerable for you and your husband.

You dont need this.

Speak to CAB and your husbands GP, and make sure you have power of attorney because you really do not want your sister getting that!

have now caught up with thread, and have seen MenCap actually has been recommended before, but lasting power of attourney ( pat voluntarily hands over) is easiest and fairly fast.

My understanding, like prev poster (though not lawyer, health prof specialising in mental health)is that he does NOT have capacity in the sense of the MenCap Act. Will not repost same thing, but print out what previous poster put here, and take it to lawyer!

NB if MenCap is involved, he has the right to advocacy- make sure you appoint one, so Sis can not become advocate- then you would be in same situ, only worse!!! (mind you, is only compulsory if no NOK if I remember rightly)

Get solicitors involved.

If she is a hcp then her governing body also needs to be informed.