FFS ! my SIS again ! to paraphrase Sigourney Weaver "the b***h won't die"

[kitty4paws]

Brief back story ( at risk of boring to death those who know it sorry )

Dh has severe short term memory loss, can't remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

During visits to MY sister (though of course I only have SIS word for it [humm])

1. DH has decided that all their converstaions are private and confidential
2. SIS has started to arrange a second opinion for my DH
3. DH has given written permssion for SIS to have access to his medical notes
4. SIS has decided on a different diagnosis to that put forward by his HCP
5. DH/SIS have organised a counselors appointment for DH
6. DH has arranged for a meeting with DH's GP that only SIS was to attend

SIS did not tell me ANY of this directly, I found out about it by pure chance,I was not included in any way.

After all this DH and I talked and he wrote a letter to SIS asking for information that SIS refused to give me. The letter asked for a reply by email, it did not ask for a face to face meeting or any other contact.

SIS took it uoon herself to talk to DH about the letter and , surprise , surprise [roll] he "decided" to ask her to ignore the letter and thus none of the questions WE had agreed uopn were answered. aaarrgghhh !!!

Now SIS also wants to attend all appooitnmets and be "an intrumental part" in DH medical affairs.

My Dh WANTS her at the appointmets, but I feel physically sick at the thought of sharing personal inormation about our lives ( me and DH) with her

what do I do ?????

Every time I get her to back off she waits a while and then gets in contact with DH again and suddenly every thing we discuss as husband and wife is turned on its head as soon as he speaks to her.

Legally DH is entitled to who ever he wants in his appointmetns and SIS is very,VERY careful to make sure she stays on the "right" side of the law but morally , well (sigh) I just do'nt know ,

so come on collective wisdom of MN help me out !

Does your dh keep records of conversations with you (particularly the one when he agreed to limit contact with her)? On a practical level this might limit the number of in depth talks you need to have with him?

She's sounds nuts and seems to want to be involved in the drama.

Can you get power of attorny?

Great post Collie :
To paraphrase you

Dh is "NOT capable of long term rational thought"

I hadn't thought of it like that.

"either he IS essentially capable, in which case he gets to decide if he wants to listen to her, or he ISN'T, in which case you must step in properly, even if it is against his 'expressed at the time' wishes, and protect him. The middle ground isn't working "

I know deep down in my heart that if DH "knew" how much all of this was upsettign me, how it feel like a wedge is being driven between us that he would "take my side". I just know he would. He might not be happy about it but he would chose our familys happiness over her wishes.

Maybe I need to think of what I know he would want not what he is actaully saying . oooohh I just don't 'know , it feel like I am treatignhim like a child , and instead of SIS knows best , Wife knws best ???

But to be fair of the two of us e.g. sis vs Wife in a kind of "top trumps unhappy families" Wife beats SIS" ANY day.

I remember your previous posts, and the fact that you were very clear that your DHs ability to make decisions was not impaired in anyway.

I think you and your DH need to make a joint decision on this one, if need be write down what you decided and then date and sign it so that there is a permanent record for your DH.

If your DH's ability to make his own decisions has not been compromised, then I think you need to respect his wishes and find a way of working with your sister - for your DHs sake.

If your DH's condition means that he is not able to make decisions effectively, then you need some legal advice. There are injunctions and non-molestation orders which it might be possible to use to keep her away, but from what I remember I don't think your DH would agree to you taking this sort of step.

I remember the backstory on this one: Your sister is a self-obsessed bully who thinks you are a silly little girl whose feelings can be overridden (didn't you say she is a good bit older than you and was a bit of a mother-figure to you? She still thinks she's in charge of you).
You really do need to get a restraining order against her, she is manipulating your H to feed her own ego and it's not going to do him any good in the long run. Nothing is going to stop her short of legal action, unfortunately, but for your sake and your H's sake you need to take that action.

All rational decisions are based on weighing up information; if information cannot be recalled, then rational decisions cannot be made. However "all there" your husband is at the moment, does his memory issue not mean that he cannot be considered competent to make decisions just now?

HAVE YOU GONE AND TAKEN LEGAL ADVICE ON THIS?

Thanks for all the advice ladies,

At this point I really don't care if I ever see her again so if I really p**s
her off so what, its not like I've lost anything .

I am going to draft up a letter for DH to approve and sign to give to SIS. And I will make it as watertight as I can ( I'm no laywer) so that she can't "wriggle" out of it.

Wish me luck !

Thanks again ,

This all hinges on the secrecy.

If she wanted to help, she would present you with options and opinions. Not try to control the situation with secret chats. You are well within your rights to ask to be included in their conversations.

Explain to your DH that you would like to hear what she has to say. I can't see how or why they would need you to be absent. If she decides that she will still try to have secret meetings with you DH then ban her from your house.

I remember your story... I'll give you the same advice I gave you then (although I namechange a lot, so if you find your old thread you won't see my new name). This is not normal behaviour, your S is behaving very strangely and she is taking advantage of your vulnerable DH because she appears to be taking pleasure out of his illness and vulnerability. I would involve the police, I would consider trying to get (what's the word? not exclusion zone? a keep away from my family, my house etc...) order. If your GP is happy to share all this information (I seem to remember they were) I think they might reconsider when the police are involved.

I'm so sorry this is going on for you. If this was me I'd have killed S by now, or moved and bit told her where I was going.

Can you not record your conversations with him?

Restraining order... That's what I meant! Not exclusion zone .

I remember your story, sorry it's ongoing.

It almost sounds like she has something like munchausens by proxy. Except it isn't that as your dh has a genuine problem. I wonder if there is a recognised syndrome where people get off on other people's illness and try to get heavily involved and try to save the other person, etc.

Have you told your gp your concerns and that you think she's a fruit loop?

I would totally give up on any thought of not hurting her feelings and say to her quite clearly that you think she's a psychotic, bitch with mental health problems and that you don't want her anywhere near you or dh.

I also remember your backstory Kitty

Enough is enough, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to fuck the fuck off and you need to go and seek legal advice.

She is taking the piss out of you and there is either something going on between them both or she is trying to wangle her way into his will, or get him to sign whatever it is she is after over to her.

Im fucking fuming on your behalf but you can stop this, and you must, SOON.

Sorry that sounded really blunt didnt it. I didn't mean it to.

have you posted this before, it sounds very familiar.

Well surely his doctor is in charge of his treatment, not your sister or you? They aren't going to let anything bad happen, but sister pushing in a different direction to you might uncover a different course of action - especially if what they are doing now isn't working. I'm not seeing how the sister can do anything too terrible whilst he's under the care of a doctor? (Admittedly I don't know the background on this, so am ready to be corrected)

Having said that, it doesn't sound like DH is capable of making decisions himself at the moment - I'd agree that power of attourney would be a good choice. Perhaps with an independent person (lawyer? his best friend? a relative from his family?) as a second power of attourney so that they can back up any decisions you make and offer alternative points of view.

Kitty, I remember your back story and I am sorry your sister is still involved in your lives.

One question you don't appear to have answered on here is whether or not you have sought legal advice yet? I really think that you getting your DH to sign a letter to your sister may have a short term effect, but actually - as has been proven time and again - she will just come back again. You need to put a permanent stop to this - to get POA of your husband's affairs and also a restraining order against her.

I would implore you to seek proper legal advice urgently. This is causing you a huge amount of unnecessary stress when you already have enough on your plate.

Kitty4paws... Have you taken legal advice? Is there something stopping you from doing that? You seem to have dodged the question all the way through this thread - and all of your others. That's your choice of course, but I'm wondering why you think that a letter to your sister is going to achieve anything.

Something doesn't add up... you seem so desperately sad about this but so impotent to do what you need to do, which is to get some proper legal advice.

I hope it all works out in the end, however it works out.

If you are going to write a letter, what will you do when she ignores it?

I'd suggest that your come up with a plan of action with your DH - how you are going to handle the situation, including escalating to include getting a solicitor involved at some future point. Write out the plan that you agree (include some background information about why you have both agreed to the plan). Then date and get both you and DH to sign plan. That way you can keep referring back to the agreed plan if/when your DH forgets about it.

Also, have you tried looking at the Alzheimer's Society website? Even if the diagnosis doesn't match your DH - there is lots of information about coping with memory loss and also the legal implications.

It may be that your DH falls under the heading of being a vulnerable adult and that your sister's attempts to control his healthcare could fall into the category of abuse (denial of privacy and choice etc.). She really needs to back off.

You MUST take legal advice on this one - no use trying to write a 'water tight' letter yourself.

And don't let your DH go anywhere without you. That's the only way you will stop her.

If your DH is under a consultant I suggest you ring the consultant and get an appointment and tell the consultant what is going on regarding your sister. The consultant should be aware that his patient is being manipulated and there should be some sort of medical/legal help for you.

I strongly suspect your sister will totally ignore you even if she signs a piece of paper she won't stick to it, she really seems to think you don't exist.

I do think you need the advice of both the consultant (see him on your own) and a solicitor as it is quite clear you will soon need to get a power of attorney over your DH and frankly sounds like it should be sooner rather than later.

You also need to keep her out of the house and make sure she doesn't know when his appointments are, you also need to warn the hospital or clinic that someone is trying to get your DH's medical records by deception. This is stalking behaviour and should be treated as such.

I agree with SGB

never mind writing her another letter. Certainly not unless it's one that you draft with a solicitor and get some proper legal advice about this situation.

The longer you let this go on the more physcial and emotional energy you waste on your sister and this situation and this is energy that you should be using to keep yourself strong and support your DH through his medical treatment and consultations.

You can't keep coming on here every few months and hoping that someone on here can wave a magic wand. Because we can't.

Get on the phone today, make yourself a solicitors appt and sound them out about it. Get it documented somewhere other than with your GP.

Your sister has the hide of a rhino. She does not have a better nature to appeal to.

For the well being of your family unit you need to get legal measures in place to stop her from interfering.

(and i agree with others about your DH not being in a position to make a reasoned decision about this)

this sounds like classic sibling rivalry being masked as caring concern as your sister surely she should be supporting you as you try to support your husband not usurping you and leaving you out of the loop. if you are always looking on the negative side she should be pointing out the positives to you. your husband doesnt sound like he is being particularly considerate to the woman who has supported him thus far in his problems. i am assuming you have things in place so that he knows things he has agreed to etc, having spoken to you about it and agreeing is he really so easily swayed. are you taking what she says as gospel does she have evidence to back it up because if he agreed something with you, went to speak to her and then changed his mind that seems very odd. when you say short term problem how short term are we talking.
is your sister younger than you? i think that maybe next time she starts you should say that you need to hear this all from your husbands mouth and be privy to one of their private medical conversation, you are his wife. he is absolutely right to get second opinions etc if he felt unhappy, were you not supportive of this idea originally or is this a new thing? perhaps you have created some of the opportunities your sister seems to have exploited.