FFS ! my SIS again ! to paraphrase Sigourney Weaver "the b***h won't die"

[kitty4paws]

Brief back story ( at risk of boring to death those who know it sorry )

Dh has severe short term memory loss, can't remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

During visits to MY sister (though of course I only have SIS word for it [humm])

1. DH has decided that all their converstaions are private and confidential
2. SIS has started to arrange a second opinion for my DH
3. DH has given written permssion for SIS to have access to his medical notes
4. SIS has decided on a different diagnosis to that put forward by his HCP
5. DH/SIS have organised a counselors appointment for DH
6. DH has arranged for a meeting with DH's GP that only SIS was to attend

SIS did not tell me ANY of this directly, I found out about it by pure chance,I was not included in any way.

After all this DH and I talked and he wrote a letter to SIS asking for information that SIS refused to give me. The letter asked for a reply by email, it did not ask for a face to face meeting or any other contact.

SIS took it uoon herself to talk to DH about the letter and , surprise , surprise [roll] he "decided" to ask her to ignore the letter and thus none of the questions WE had agreed uopn were answered. aaarrgghhh !!!

Now SIS also wants to attend all appooitnmets and be "an intrumental part" in DH medical affairs.

My Dh WANTS her at the appointmets, but I feel physically sick at the thought of sharing personal inormation about our lives ( me and DH) with her

what do I do ?????

Every time I get her to back off she waits a while and then gets in contact with DH again and suddenly every thing we discuss as husband and wife is turned on its head as soon as he speaks to her.

Legally DH is entitled to who ever he wants in his appointmetns and SIS is very,VERY careful to make sure she stays on the "right" side of the law but morally , well (sigh) I just do'nt know ,

so come on collective wisdom of MN help me out !

Coffee :
I go to all appointments with DH,
She is a half trained HCP ( but NOT a Dr)
She seems to have an obsession with anythign medical, even tried to get to MY medical information without my permission.

She will see it as "only trying to help" yet others in the family mahage to help ( e.g. child care, pots of soup etc) without needng DH private medcial information.

The only thing she is interested in is the medical stuff.

She directly went against DH wishes int he letter he wrote, what other wishes of his is she prepared to go against because shes "helping"

YANBU. She's out of order. He is YOUR DH. She is trespassing and being a busy body. If she was trying to help she would be including you NOT excluding you. If you ask me she is on a sanctimonious control freaky power trip.

You should indeed get power of attorney over his affairs so that everything has to go through you. Together with your dh, you can decide to what extent and how your dsis gets involved. Of all the things I've seen in my time....this is right up there in odd!

YANBU. She's out of order. He is YOUR DH. She is trespassing and being a busy body. If she was trying to help she would be including you NOT excluding you. If you ask me she is on a sanctimonious control freaky power trip.

You should indeed get power of attorney over his affairs so that everything has to go through you. Together with your dh, you can decide to what extent and how your dsis gets involved. Of all the things I've seen in my time....this is right up there in odd!

OP I thought you had cut her out of your life and had a harassment order against her or did I imagine that?

If not, you need to do it now.

If your DH won't agree to cut her out and get legal documentation/order in place to KEEP HER AWAY then there is concrete proof they are having an affair right under your nose.

I'm sorry but I really think that's what it is and you have to get VERY touch now on both of them and demand to know whats going on, and get some serious injunctions/orders/whatever against your sister.

Kitty i remember your previous posts well- I'm so sorry you're still having so much trouble with her. Are you in a position to consider a restraining order? This has got fuck all to do with her, why should she sit in on consultations? Very on your behalf

Wondering if the woman is money-motivated.... is it possible that she's aiming at befriending your DH in such a way that he'd sign property or investments over to her?

Regardless, I've said this before (under my alter-ego!) but I'll say it again anyway because past attempts at deterring her have clearly not worked...

I know it's not your style Kitty, but you or someone rather forceful working on your behalf can stop this with an extremely blunt, no holds barred confrontation - ie "Fuck off out of my life, my DHs life and my DCs life. If you EVER come near my husband again, or contact him, you will be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life."

And mean it.

Then change home and mobile numbers - yours, DH's, DC's - and write her off as history.

Smart phone not so smart (grin) plus can't do smilies

oohjarWhatsit " how about, instead of fighting her, you try and get her onside so that she will help rather than hinder and work with you"

But she has excluded me from the very start , even when I did want her involvment, when I trusted her,

If she won't answer my questions and does "not have to justfiy my action sin any way" I am at a loss as to how I can ever trust her again , I just do not now fully beleve that she will tell me the trust.

Is this STILL going on. I thought she had backed off after the last time.

I know you say there is nothing romantic in it all, but are you 100% sure of that?

It might also be time to write anonymously to her professional body.....

everything hinges on DH's memory. He will talk about soemthitng with me and then forget, then talk with SIS and suddenly he changes his mind. But with out his own internal "back story" how is he meant to make a decision.

As I have said on all your other posts, you need legal help.

She has no business being as involved as she is, but if your DH is still considered a functioning adult and he wants her there then there isn't anything you can do.

If however, you have power of attorney for your DH you can do something. As I also said previously I would be very very wary of her obtaining a power of attorney for him before you do.

Nothing will change until you do something, quite clearly she doesn't care how you feel about this, so she won't stop until you force her to.

I am in contact with someone from the vunerable adult team but as DH is still "all there" there is very little they can do.

If you asked your DH to choose between your sis and you coming into the consultations - I mean with you both standing there, not in a way that gives her a chance to speak to him privately - what do you think he would say?

"quite clearly she doesn't care how you feel about this," nail on the head morloth

I think thats whats most upsettign , this feelign that I am irrelevant, MY care of DH is sub standard , irrelevant, SHE knows best and if that makes me feel like c**p well, hard luvk

I remember your back story. You HAVE to get legal advice, sorry. This has been going on for ages, she is quite frankly mad. It's not going to get sorted out if the situation stays as it is - i.e. your DH being more or less treated as if he is fully capable. He isn't, otherwise this wouldn't be happening.

I think the real issue is whether you are prepared to completely lose your sister over this AND prepared to finally say to your DH that although he may not realise it, he is in some senses NOT capable of long term rational thought and that the result of this is your sister taking advantage of his illness and using it, it seems, to satisfy herself in some way. (It sounds strangely similar to the Munchausen's type stuff, she seems to be getting a kick out of being 'medical' and having the drama that goes along with that).

I would say that you have two options: 1. to get power of attorney over your DH. If he is only going to get worse, this is a sensible option anyway, though I know it's not at all simple if the person really isn't properly incapacitated. Others will know more.

1. You try and get a restraining order against your sister, she is harassing you and your DH. The trouble is that presumably he has to go along with that - but the whole issue is that sahe is using his vulnerability against him. You NEED LEGAL ADVICE ON THIS. There must be a way to get her to back off. But it WILL mean losing contact.

It seems that you have been trying your hardest to listen to your DH's views throughout, which is great, but at some point you have to make a decision: either he IS essentially capable, in which case he gets to decide if he wants to listen to her, or he ISN'T, in which case you must step in properly, even if it is against his 'expressed at the time' wishes, and protect him. The middle ground isn't working as your sister is using this very position to work from. Hence the letter. You CAN'T keep on trying to sort this out through the medium of your DH - that is tying your hands.

Get legal advice, and make an appointment with his doctor for JUST YOURSELF to talk about this - they should be a first port of call too. Have you spoken to them about this issue? He is surely a vulnerable adult. How about SS?

eighthtes chick : he has said on several occasions " I married you , not her, she won't come to the consultation"

buuuuuut he WANTS her there so I feel that ( just as I am accusing her) I am going against his wishes.

But then I think does he really want her there or has she convinced him of that.

Do you have a solicitor, OP? Have you been to citizens' advice? You need a legal professional working with you to sort this out.

If your sister wants to be so involved and to keep you out of it, then I suggest your dh moves in with your sister.

What have your other family said about this?

Do you have adult social services involved atall?

If your sister wants to be so involved and to keep you out of it, then I suggest your dh moves in with your sister.

What have your other family said about this?

Do you have adult social services involved atall?

Look, you have to get a backbone here.

Tell her to butt out, tell him that either you handle it or she does, but he needs to choose now. If he says he wants you to do it, then you need to see a lawyer and get her properly warned off.

I understand that this situation is crushing, I also kind of remember that your DH is being quite abusive towards you as a result of his illness?

You are the only one here with the power to change things. It is horrible that she doesn't care about your feelings, but you can't make her care, all you can do is take control of the situation yourself.

"I am in contact with someone from the vunerable adult team but as DH is still "all there" there is very little they can do."

But he´s not, is he, in that he is forgetting things.

In all honesty, what adult male wants anyone-let alone a SIL in his consultations/looking at medical records.

Why does he want her there & why has he given permission for her to see his records?

Does he have a point about you being negative all the time & her not?