FFS ! my SIS again ! to paraphrase Sigourney Weaver "the b***h won't die"

[kitty4paws]

Brief back story ( at risk of boring to death those who know it sorry )

Dh has severe short term memory loss, can't remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

During visits to MY sister (though of course I only have SIS word for it [humm])

1. DH has decided that all their converstaions are private and confidential
2. SIS has started to arrange a second opinion for my DH
3. DH has given written permssion for SIS to have access to his medical notes
4. SIS has decided on a different diagnosis to that put forward by his HCP
5. DH/SIS have organised a counselors appointment for DH
6. DH has arranged for a meeting with DH's GP that only SIS was to attend

SIS did not tell me ANY of this directly, I found out about it by pure chance,I was not included in any way.

After all this DH and I talked and he wrote a letter to SIS asking for information that SIS refused to give me. The letter asked for a reply by email, it did not ask for a face to face meeting or any other contact.

SIS took it uoon herself to talk to DH about the letter and , surprise , surprise [roll] he "decided" to ask her to ignore the letter and thus none of the questions WE had agreed uopn were answered. aaarrgghhh !!!

Now SIS also wants to attend all appooitnmets and be "an intrumental part" in DH medical affairs.

My Dh WANTS her at the appointmets, but I feel physically sick at the thought of sharing personal inormation about our lives ( me and DH) with her

what do I do ?????

Every time I get her to back off she waits a while and then gets in contact with DH again and suddenly every thing we discuss as husband and wife is turned on its head as soon as he speaks to her.

Legally DH is entitled to who ever he wants in his appointmetns and SIS is very,VERY careful to make sure she stays on the "right" side of the law but morally , well (sigh) I just do'nt know ,

so come on collective wisdom of MN help me out !

I remember your previous threads too Kitty - get legal advice

Then - report her to her professional body. This is utterly inappropriate because she can access medical records due to her HCP status IIRC? Report her.

You need to get Legal Advice ASAP

My first thought is that your sister is after money/your assets.

re Legal advice:

I am in the process of POA but had not pushed it forward atm as DH disgnosis had changed from dementia ( POA is essential) to functional amnesia ( he's not going to die or lose his cognition, he will in all likely hood get better).

People with dementia can sign wills if "in the moment" they know what they are doing. Legally, if they forget afterwards, the will is STILL valide ( AFAIK)

Soooo, I could put in place some sort of restraining order but DH would have to agree to it and I just don't think he will.

I can not physically stop him from visiting her.

F**K this , I am going to ask the advice of a solicitor, start with a legal letter and see where it leads us.

In the mean time I am not going to tell SIS about any of the appointments (using DH memory problem against him but for the greater good), I know this is going directly against his wishes but then so the f**k did she !!

OMG - my posting just appeared as someone called fedupandtired - what??? How did that happen?

"You can't keep coming on here every few months and hoping that someone on here can wave a magic wand. Because we can't. "

I only come back on becasue she has tsarted it all up again , even when I think that i have "put a lid on it " but you are right , MN ( great as it is) can't fix it.

I am gettign legal advice,

Hi kitty, it sound like a really tough situation even without your SIS. She is not supporting your husband or you. She is taking over and making the situation about her. you really need to take firm and final action. you said SS wont help, but someone will.

please go to CAB if you have not already. if they cannot help you please keep searching. is there a charity that helps people on your DH position?

op can you not become his medical proxy or something, sure that is a real term. if he is found to not be able to safely make his own medical decision and could be prayed on by someone i am sure some one ie a spouse can be legally appointed to protect them medically speaking and make all their decisions for them. in which case you could tell your sister to go fuck her self with a sharp implement.

just rang family solicitor, Solicitor not in , I have left a voice mail, I will make an appointment as soon as she gets back.

Op I really think something is going on between them.

1. She pushes to meet him and be involved heavily

She would only do this if she

A) Loves him in 'that' way

or

B) Is mentally ill with some kind of munchausens thing.

2. The fact that your DH wants to see her and seems to want her involved would suggest that actually 1a is correct and this is a love thing.

It makes NO possible sense at all putting any other explanation on it.

I didn't mean to come across as harsh with that comment by the way, and you should keep coming on here for support when you need it because this place is great for giving moral support and great practical advice too.

It's just frustrating that we can't physically help you fix this, and I probably speak for others when i say we really wish we could.
If you were my RL friend and I knew you were going through this, i'd have marched you into a solicitors office by now - and I'd probably have reported your sister too, and let her know it was me putting the blame at my feet.

Lubey - I have dim memories of the OP having a pretty water-tight explanation as to why her sister wouldn't be interested in her DH in 'that' way.

lubey

Kitty has said time and again that option 1a is not a possibility and said she didn't want to disclose why so I think we just have to trust her knowledge and judgement on that one.

cross post with pip

I think you should see a solicitor. Really with memory problems of this nature an enduring power of attorney might be appropriate, although I don't know if this applies to just banking or access to medical records as well?

When you say 'family' solicitor does that mean they have done work for your sister before? Because you really need someone who will not have a conflict of interest, or do you mean family as in family law?

lubey : A love "thing" just isn't' on the cards is really isn't , don't want to go into detail ( its SIS private life ) but please trsut me on this .

Queenrollor

Not harsh at all, just telling it like it is. TO be fair we are a very repressed "polite" family so what I have done up to now would constitute GBH in another family IYSWIM, anyone else would have backed off waaaay before it got to this stage, usually a sharly worded email is enough.

morloth : by family I mean MY family solicitor, not especially expert in family law, not sure if SIS has had any dealings with them , can check at meeting I suppose.

Kitty, as before:

1. Get solicitors involved and instruct your solicitor to write to your sister telling her to butt the fuck out (your solicitor will probably wish to paraphrase).

1. Have your and your husband's wills, pension arrangements, house deeds, mortgage agreements, medical records etc professionally checked in case he has signed anything over to your sister.

1. Report her to her professional body for possible professional misconduct.

She isn't going to stop unless you get the pros in here. Don't bother wasting your energy going through the palaver of contacting her again yourself.

Ok fair enough then, sorry kitty4paws

Please get her legally restrained though, this is just so weird and horrid :(

Gerat advice from all,

sadly SIS already knows about an really important appoitment in London next month, main specialst in the country, not one to miss or f**k up.

Planned to stay at eldest SIS (ESIS) in London.

Now I am afraid that evil other SIS (OSIS) will be there as DH has "asked her"

DO I lie to ESIS and say the appointment has been changed ?

Can't change appoitnment , they are like gold dust !

I'd ask your solicitor for advice on that, because it may be that you place legal restrictions on her before then avoiding the need to lie.

but if it comes to it - yes.....lie. but phone the consultant to make sure they speak to no-one but you about the appt just in case she phones to check.

For goodness sake why are you telling your sister about any of your husbands appointments? You are feeding her quite frankly bonkers behaviour, allowing her to be involved and need to grow a backbone. There should be two people in a marriage not 2 + a loon sister.

Why the family solicitor? Could you not start with a solicitor who is uninvolved in the details and thus a clean slate.

If you don't buck up your ideas you have only yourself to blame for a situation which could quickly spiral out of control to the point where you barking sister has Power of Attorney and sells your home from underneath you.....does that make it clear enough?

Hi Kitty I remember your posts and have posted before (namechanged since - posted about my dad's memory loss and B12 injections but know your situation is far more complex) - have not read rest of thread but I really think you need to take legal advice and possible legal action to protect your DH.

Please go to a solicitor and get some advice! Now I know NOTHING about this area of law (looks around hopefully for someone else legally knowledgeable in this area to come along...) but something that springs to mind are that your DH's memory loss makes him a vulnerable adult under the Mental Capacity Act 2005.

According to the law, a person is defined as being unable to make decisions for themselves if they are not able to undertake at least one of the following:

• understand information given to them
• retain that information long enough to be able to make a decision
• weigh up the information available to make a decision v difficult to do if you cannot retain information long enough to make a decision
• communicate their decision by any possible means, including talking, using sign language, or even through simple muscle movements such as blinking an eye or squeezing a hand.

So I would guess that your DH would be deemed to not have capacity on two points but you would need to pull together all your medical evidence to show this.

You can help DH to make a Lasting Power of Attorney for both financial/property and medical decisions and you don't have to go through expense of solicitor - lots of instructions and forms here

I think this is the first step in protecting both you and DH from your sister. There is a register of LPAs so that anyone treating your DH medically or otherwise would have somewhere to check that you and you alone have an LPA for your DH.

Is this something you can do? The link above says it can take up to 13 weeks to get an LPA registered if there are no complications (they give complex financial arrangements as a reason for it to take longer).

YOU as opposed to your DH then have the capacity and legal authority to tell your sister to back off.

What's wrong with telling sis that she is not welcome AT ALL and telling elder sis that you will be unable to accept her kind hospitality if the other sis will be there/will be admitted into the house whilst you and DH are there?

Sorry, but all this pussyfooting is getting you nowhere and I'm beginning to think that you're your own worst enemy.

As someone above said, you really need to grow a backbone as at the moment YOU are enabling your sis's behaviour.

If HeIsSpartacus is right and your DH is a vulnerable adult, then you also potentially have the option of reporting your sis for abusing him (for denying his right to privacy and choice). This could be a big deal for her if she is a HCP working with other vulnerable people.

Every local government area seems to have it's own reporting mechanism for this, so you might want to google 'vulnerable adults' and the name of your area.