FFS ! my SIS again ! to paraphrase Sigourney Weaver "the b***h won't die"

[kitty4paws]

Brief back story ( at risk of boring to death those who know it sorry )

Dh has severe short term memory loss, can't remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

During visits to MY sister (though of course I only have SIS word for it [humm])

1. DH has decided that all their converstaions are private and confidential
2. SIS has started to arrange a second opinion for my DH
3. DH has given written permssion for SIS to have access to his medical notes
4. SIS has decided on a different diagnosis to that put forward by his HCP
5. DH/SIS have organised a counselors appointment for DH
6. DH has arranged for a meeting with DH's GP that only SIS was to attend

SIS did not tell me ANY of this directly, I found out about it by pure chance,I was not included in any way.

After all this DH and I talked and he wrote a letter to SIS asking for information that SIS refused to give me. The letter asked for a reply by email, it did not ask for a face to face meeting or any other contact.

SIS took it uoon herself to talk to DH about the letter and , surprise , surprise [roll] he "decided" to ask her to ignore the letter and thus none of the questions WE had agreed uopn were answered. aaarrgghhh !!!

Now SIS also wants to attend all appooitnmets and be "an intrumental part" in DH medical affairs.

My Dh WANTS her at the appointmets, but I feel physically sick at the thought of sharing personal inormation about our lives ( me and DH) with her

what do I do ?????

Every time I get her to back off she waits a while and then gets in contact with DH again and suddenly every thing we discuss as husband and wife is turned on its head as soon as he speaks to her.

Legally DH is entitled to who ever he wants in his appointmetns and SIS is very,VERY careful to make sure she stays on the "right" side of the law but morally , well (sigh) I just do'nt know ,

so come on collective wisdom of MN help me out !

Oh god, is this still going on? She is a proper mentalist isn't she/

I agree with all the others saying to get legal advice and remove her from the situation by whatever means necessary.

You do tend to post the same problems and get the same advice and then post the same problems. It's a bit of a circle isn't it?

I know you say there's no romantic interest but really, that's not how it looks here.

Surely your DH must know how bothered you are about this. Why is he not respecting your feelings?

Reading between the lines, I do believe your SIS has some sort of personality disorder which prevents her from recognising normal boundaries and modes of behaviour. I doubt having a stiff word with her will achieve anything. I wonder also if she isn't living out a delusional fantasy via your husband - not a romantic fantasy but a medical fantasy. She is clearly overestimating the extent of her expertise in this area and that needs nipping in the bud.

Going legal is the best way forward for now. As for the appointment next month, tell her and any other family members in cahoots with her that it's been postponed and then book a cheap hotel for the two of you and go as scheduled.

worraliberty : His memory problems mean he just lives "in the moment" to a greater of lesser extent. So it is difficult for him to respect my feelings when they are based on weeks of past experience.

again , I have to say , there is NO chance of romatic interest , please let this go.

I am going to see a solicitor so not sure how much more I can do "legally" ATM.

But I am now decided that what I think is in Dh best interests overrides his desire for SIS to be involved. I am the ONLY one who can see the whole picture, not DH , not SIS. He might hate me for it but her involvement is damaging MY family and I am attending to his medical needs quite well, thank you, .

If she thinsk I'm that C**P then get SS involved ! not all this underhand malarkey (sp)

I did not tell her about the appointment in London, she will have heard about it from my other sister (the one we are staying with) the last appoitnment I actually told her about was back in March when I still trusted her.

"As for the appointment next month, tell her and any other family members in cahoots with her that it's been postponed and then book a cheap hotel for the two of you and go as scheduled"

My thoughts exactly !!

You do tend to post the same problems and get the same advice and then post the same problems. It's a bit of a circle isn't it?

This situation is out of the ordinary. Just the husband's diagnosis alone would be enough to throw a normally robust person out of sync. Add the sister and her disordered behaviour and you have a head fuck of mammoth proportions. The OP must be in a tail spin and I wonder if she can even see the wood for the trees.

OP - have you had any counselling or therapy for yourself. This might give you clarity and perspective and in turn help you to see a solution.

In the meantime, post as many times as you like. Setting it all out either verabally or in print will help you to process things.

If she thinsk I'm that CP

She says/thinks this because it enables her to protect her delusion that she is a medical/clinical genius and the only one capable of really helping your dh.

But I am now decided that what I think is in Dh best interests overrides his desire for SIS to be involved. I am the ONLY one who can see the whole picture, not DH , not SIS.

RIGHT ON!!! Don't let that thought go. Stay strong.

Regarding the important appointment in London - could you get the solicitor to put into the letter that your OSIS is NOT welcome at that appointment? You could also write a joint letter from you and your dh to the hospital, to say that your OSIS is not to be admitted to the appointment.

In fact, a joint letter to all his HCPs might help - if it states that NO letter/decision from your dh about his medical care or who has access to his records etc is valid unless signed by both you and your dh - that way, if your OSIS gets him to sign anything different, it will not be valid.

FLithy : thanks for the post, I have just started soem counseling and even the first session has helped.

Ok why is there no chance of romantic interest? Is your sister a lesbian? Does DH not function in the trouser department or is your head just buried in the sand to the possability that there is something going on under your nose?

I really struggle to see why you were given very good advice last time you posted but persist in doing absolutely nothing to remedy the situation with the exception of making a half hearted call to a solicitor.

A letter from yourself to your mad sister will do absolutely nothing to change the situation but it could be argued will make her more secretative with DH.

BTW kitty I think it is great news that your DHs diagnosis has changed at that there is now some hope of improvement.

It's really sad that your sister's persitent behaviour is forcing you to let go a little of your belief in your DHs competence. That in order to deal with her, you have to take steps to admit that your DH is not able to cope. Hopefully there will come a day when he understand what you have done and why.

I have just rung the hopsital in london and a note has ben put on the system that Miss.Strange sister is not to be given any information.

Nice post pink .
If you can't respect the OPs choice not to discuss her sister's private life, then why not walk away.

pink :

It is not my place to divulge SIS sexual orientation.

He home circumtances are very unusual and anythign between her and Dh would be unlikley in the extream.

and thank you soooo much for this comment
"DH not function in the trouser department"

Now PLEEEEEEASE drop the sex thing !!!!!

Your sister sounds unhinged. Very much hope your solicitor can help you get her restrained from her bizarre interfering.

Kitty - as I said, write letters to all the hospitals/HCPs concerned, signed by you and your dh, saying that they are not to give out any info/change any treatment/allow anyone other than you and dh into appointments etc, unless there is a written request signed by both of you. That will stop your Osis from manipulating your dh, as any letter signed just by him will be ignored by the HCPs.

Subtle as a brick Pink.

Glad the counselling is underway and helping Kitty. Stick with it.

piprabbit - it is hard to try to offer/advice/guidance/support to somebody who ignores advice previously given and refuses to give as full a picture of the situation as possible. Many posters have asked as to the nature of the relationship between DH and mad sister which might furthur explain what is going on and OP persists in not explaining or expanding upon it [hmmm]

it is hard to try to offer/advice/guidance/support to somebody who ignores advice previously given and refuses to give as full a picture of the situation as possible.

No it isn't, it just requires a bit of extra thought and sensitivity to the situation, not a blunt, literal black and white approach where the bleedin obvious has to be spelt out in big letters.

Pink - Kitty has already attempted to reassure everyone, several times in this thread alone, that she doesn't believe that sex is a factor in the issues between DH and sister. There comes a point where you simply accept that you are not going to get any more information and give advice based on what you are being told - or you walk away.

You don't post offensively in the hope of shocking the information out of the OP.

Did you answer my question about getting someone else to tell her to back off?

You don't seem to take any advice on board

I'm still not getting this - what specifically does the OP think that her sister will be able to get the docs to agree to without her there under her sister's persuasion? I think Sis's interferrance is annoying, nosey and irritating, but I'm not seeing that it's a major issue if it's all done via docs?

OP-does your sister still have access to your husband´s medical records?

TBH, I am quite surprised, given what he was being seen for, that any weight was given to such a letter.

Do your husband sister get on well?

If so, is it possible that he finds it helpful to talk to her & that he does find her supportive?

Although obviously the fact that she is getting him to keep secrets is wrong.

I remember your earlier thread.

Your sister is a mad fantasist.

Please do cut all contact with her. If necessary use your husband's condition to help this.

Your sister is dangerous. Making decisions about your husband's treatment could leave him vulnerable to your mad sister's quack ideas.

if i recall the sister tried to get a second opinion despite Kitty's husband already being dealt with by the leading specialist in his condition. She did this behind OP's back, knowing full well that OP's DH would not remember this ad been arranged. So she is undermining an ongoing consultation progress.
I think there was also some issue that personal information relating to the OP is part of her husbands records and she did not wish her sister to have access to these.

correct me if i'm wrong OP i'm doing this from memory of readin gyour previous posts.