AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

ok

your prerogative, of course

Alright Bobby Brown, I've sent you a PM.

...not feelin it..

My first thought would be saying "Yeah fine he can come over" but a niggling second thought in the back of my brain would be saying "Do you trust him? well do you?" But then my first thought would say to the second thought don't be a twat. You may not particully like him but dw does and she knows him better.

Basically clingy needy male friend that you don't like having hugs/drinks with wife= grin and bear it.

I have three really good close male friends, two could stay over and we could even be drunk, never a problem. One not such a good idea as I feel there are some unsaid things on both sides.

I'm really on the fence with this one, my Mum always said if people want to be unfaithful they will. I think people freak out at the thought of over night stays but illicit action also takes place in daylight.

I'm sorry that your DH is feeling this way, it is hard to control gut emotions but I would find it very hard being told who was allowed to visit. I assume your okay with him working away? To avoid enormous disharmony you may have to comply , though personally I feel YANBU.

Love the feminists who jumped on my alpha male comment .

In exactly the same (and equal way) she is the alpha female and would probably not want another woman stepping into her territory when she wasn't there to defend it.

I trust my DH 100%, but I still wouldn't feel happy about him having a woman at home while I was away. Why should this man feel any different. Nothing to do with whether it is a man or woman in this position.

HSMM, ooh, is that an instance of someone using the word 'feminist' as an insult? I love that as much as I love being 'insulted' by being called liberal. Just about the two most ineffectual insults in the world in my book.

I'm going to have to ponder the seemingly unresolvable paradox of trusting someone '100%' but still 'not feeling happy about him having a woman at home'.

Carmina, 'If I wanted to see a male friend regularly, and email him often, I'd have to ask myself why? - what is it about this man that keeps me coming back for more?' Seriously? Isn't the obvious answer the same as what 'keeps you coming back' to female friends e.g. that you like their emails and their company?
Your DH would have 'every right to be jealous' if you had intelligent, funny, kind, and interesting' male friends. Really?? If my DP showed jealousy of my male friends (who are all of the above IMO, otherwise why would I want their friendship?), I'd have every right to laugh in his face and tell him he was out of order. And the same would be true of him if I told him I was jealous of a female friend of his.

Thank god for AnyFucker and mother. Voices of reason on what is a seriously baffling thread.

Ladyclarice; if my dh was in regular contact with a women he thought was fantastic company - I wouldn't be very happy about it. If he waved my concerns away with a flippant brush of his hand -( & laughed in my face like you would do ) - I'd pack his bags and send him off to his wonderful female friend. I'm no ones mug.
(( thankfully dh is more of a 'man's man' ( prefers male company ) - so this situation will never arise - I'm not sure why he'd seek out the company of females tbh - )

Wow.

You really can't comprehend the notion of a man and a woman enjoying each other's company as friends.

That's the most baffling, not to mention depressing, thing I've heard for a long time.

I've just 'waved off' DP to his work, where he'll be meeting up with a female friend who he's collaborating on a project with. They may even go for lunch together.
God, I feel like such a mug now.
Oh well, I'll just have to seek out the company of a male to get my revenge. And hope that we can both control our Wild Sexual Urges.

at 'man's man'.

I do think the dynamics of male/female friendships change when one of the friends gets married. When you're single, your friends are often your priority but when you get married your primary relationship is with your partner, so you can't put friends ABOVE that but they are still important to you.

I'm not so paranoid that I can't let my DH have female FB friends and have lunch with female colleagues that I don't know but if he had a single, vulnerable female friend stay in my house with my kids whilst I was away I would not like it and I don't need to explain myself to people who would feel differently. It's more to do with shared intimacy and private moments than a fear of WSU.

I know it seems irrational to you, and I am sure it is innocent on both parts, BUT please think , if your husband was asking this of you with a lady friend how would you feel?, also is it worth upsetting your DH?, can you not compromise have your friend stay in a B&B for the night , that way everyone is happy.
Relationships tread a very fine line whether your married or not , good luck with this.

Your DP can't help working with women - that's his job and millions of people are in the same situation - that's completely different to what I'm talking about.
What's wrong ( in my very humble opinion ) is taking work relationships onto a different level - ie; emailing them when you don't have to - meeting up socially just because you think 'they're great' - how anyone would put up with that god only knows.

You've just reminded me to email my friend Mark, and arrange lunch with my friend Laurence...

I'd be telling my H to get the fuck over himself. As MI says, a friend in distress takes priority over a husband who is basically being childish and trying to piss on his own territory.

Oh no Carmina what I was trying to say that I am not irrationally jealous when my DH spends time with other women friends or colleagues in a day to day capacity. There seems to be school of thought on this thread that if you think OP is YABU then you are insanely jealous and have trust issues or are from the 18th century.

I am just trying to say that I am a rational person but having a female friend over to stay in my absence would be treading on my toes so I can understand OP's DH's stance. MY DH recently emailed a female colleague out of work as she had suffered a bereavement. I thought it was typically kind of him. He also eats his lunch with her. Fine with that. Overnight stay in my absence? not so fine.

Carmina, I should have been clearer. They are both self-employed, in different but complementary areas. They were friends first but at the moment she has a project that she asked for his help on as he has some skills that her project needs. He probably does think she's great, and I'm sure she thinks he's great too (because he is ).

Springchicken, I think you've just won the thread despite all my own best efforts.

But this is a very old friend. Not just a casual colleague, or someone the OP has recently become a bit struck with. The absence of Alarm Bells is so striking that some posters here have decided that in fact there is an entire narrative of suppressed desire going on here (a narrative that will somehow uncork itself at this precise moment, not any point over the past 20 years).

Not sure how territorial I feel about my home in any case.

Nesta: I think we Xposts (( must remember to make my self clear )) - ( my last post was to LC)

But yes, I agree with you. Certain behaviours are acceptable - and others aren't. If you totally disregard your partners feelings, I honestly don't think you give a toss about them and are probably with the wrong person.

If my DH told me he was having a long term female friend over to stay in my absence and laughed in my face or told me to "get the fuck over myself" when I protested I don't think we'd be married much longer.

Carmina- I agree.

So the op should pander to her dh's unfounded insecurities, and he should ignore her feelings?

Ffs, friends and when harry met sally have a lot to answer for, all this suggestion of unresolved sexual tension...

A 'man's man' . If people are so paranoid, maybe they should be worrying about friends of the same sex staying too. After all, these repressed urges can be pretty powerful by the sounds of it .

Funtime after all, you can't just admire and respect someone. Or think they are funny and intelligent without your knickers falling off

Funtime