AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You are entitled to be friends with and have stay over who you like as long as he is not a serial killer or a paedophile. If your husband has issues around trust/jealousy then he should address these issues and not dump them at your door. 'inappropriate'...for gods sake...when you become a mum/wife...whatever, does not mean you have to stop having a life as well, it is great for children to see their parents having long term good friendships with others that can share their home with them from time to time. Im sorry if this seems a bit ranty and I havent read all the replies, just your post so if im repeating whats already been said sorry. I am in the first trimester of pregnancy and a little mad so delivery may be poor.
By the way, as long as you would be more than happy if the situation was reversed and he had a long term female friend staying over while you were away, which im sure you would be. Hope this isnt too unhelpful xxxx

Ladyclarice - We didn't have any friends of the opposite sex when we met ( seriously) we know lots of couples and I have female friends - but that's it.
If I wanted to see a male friend regularly, and email him often, I'd have to ask myself why? - what is it about this man that keeps me coming back for more?
I've lost touch with so many female friends over the years, simply because a busy family life kinda gets in the way ( and if I'm honest I can't be bothered with all the hassle of arranging meet-ups - I'm lazy ) - I only keep in touch with people I really really like - and the only people I like are always the same - intelligent, funny, kind, and interesting - if I had a male friend who I admired for having all those qualities, I'd say my dh had every right to be jealous - no one goes out of their way to regularly meet up with a crushing bore. ( and if the male friend was good looking - yes, I'd probably get some lightening in the loins )

carmina...seriously, you sound like the "weird" one on this thread

you and your "strong passionate man" who see off any members of the opposite sex in case they want to shag either of you

clue : they don't

Actually - they do. That's the problem.

Are you two absolutely irresistable to the opposite sex then, carmina ?

men and women just fall at your feet ?

their underwear just fair "falls off^ at the sight of you ?

you really do need to take very robust precautions then, I can see how problematic it could be, some man/woman constantly come to steal either of you away

stick together, for God's sake, there are lots of predators out there !

'actually - they do. That's the problem.'

sorry this made me lol, worth reading the whole damn thread for that.

And is sexual continence completely out of the question - keeping your pants on, however tempted you are by the irresistable tumescence you have provoked by the simple act of breathing?

Time was that I shagged loads and loads and loads of people. These days, I don't. Granted, I am now a knackered old boot of 48, but also I am in a monogamous relationship.

Have to say EVERY close male friend that I have had would have slept with me, wanted to sleep with me. (obviously that says a lot about me, not necessarily that I am attractive). I have had mainly male friends too. I'm sitting here thinking that this can't possibly be true and then I remember another mate that tried it on, admitted feelings or something.

< points at laughs at the deluded one >

crapo, but remember that old saying ?

a cliche, but a good'un

it takes two

I seriously wonder why....am I just flirtatious, do I make them think I want to sleep with them? It's a little fucked up, but true none the less.

You're right AF, as usual, but I wouldn't have a man here to stay because, aside from the damage to my body having five children, most of my male friends given the right setting I would possibly sleep with. So I never allow myself to get into that situation. It must say something about my need to be desired, shallow or otherwise.

To funtime who asked why marry a person if you don't trust them, well I married my husband because we are a unit and I would put his feelings above that of any other friend. I think this concept is quite threatening to a lot of people on this thread who insist that marriage must encompass all legacy friendships and it is for the husband to lump it.

Not quite the way I see it.

I can understand why men have more of a problem with this than the other way round. I have had so-called platonic men friends try it on with me where the opportunity presented itself - funnily enough, it was when they were staying in my flat or we happened to share a room whilst travelling together. My dh did too. I would think it would be even worse if it I was asking to bring a man under dh's roof with his children nearby.

If that makes dh uncomfortable, I can empathise with that, however unreasonable or irrational his feeling might be. But then again, I did marry him, not my friend.

you couldn't control yourself, crapo ?

seriously ?

that is saying something about yourself, and it isn't healthy

how do you go on staying in a hotel...I mean, all those men just in the next room ? In every direction ?

Do you have to tie yourself to the hotel room dressing table ?

gawd < shakes head in bemusement >

Well I would probably go down a shit cul de sac of flirting and then have to put the brakes on. I am using a psychotherapist at present, but that's a whole 'nother thread!!

As for hotels, currently I'd be lucky for a tent in a tornado with our finances!!
I have tied myself to the dressing table, but apparently this is a bit of a turn on for my male friends.

seriously though.... you are missing out if you can't trust yourself to have male friendships

it all depends on the nature of your relationship. I too have some excellent male friends and my DH wouldn't worry if one came to say for a week or so. In fact my DH understood when some of these mates have asked me on luxury holidays (DH was invited as well but couldn't come for work commitments but was happy for me to go with the kids).

CdV, I have to say the potential for sheer physical humilation of the stretchmark kind may be one of the greatest incitements to chastity I know of

TBH I don't really have any friends, male or female. All my old friends were male, but then they got gfs and wives and I married a bloke noone liked. I am that predatory female to the WAGs, I think. I have a strong desire to be desired.....okay when your in your 20s....not so much nearly 40 with five dcs!!

(best stop now, therapist tomorrow... I'll have nothing left)

Yes my post baby body is the reason I haven't left my DH!!

omg, crapo, I dunno what to say

Yeah, took the fun out of your comments!! I am available for Christmas parties and MN meet ups!!

S'alright though because I am finally doing something about it and so it's okay, rock bottom was a few weeks ago.

don't worry AF, I know you of old!! (I'll PM you sometime with a few of my old names!!)

I am confused

You mean you took the piss out of me and you were fibbing ?

Or it's all true and you are just making light of a fucking awful situation ?

Gimme a clue

No.....I am not lying. I'm making light.