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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

wannaBe · 13/07/2011 11:01

"What's wrong ( in my very humble opinion ) is taking work relationships onto a different level - ie; emailing them when you don't have to - meeting up
socially just because you think 'they're great' - how anyone would put up with that god only knows." Why shouldn't anyone put up with that? What law is there that says that people can only be friends with people of the same sex and that the only friendship one should be allowed with someone of the opposite sex should be with one's partner? That's pretty warped if you ask me.

Funtimewincies · 13/07/2011 11:02

Maybe I'm just jealous that my knickers falling off when a friend stays over is likely to send them running, nay screaming into the night .

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 11:09

Funtime, yes, that's it actually. Neither of us are attractive enough to have an effect on our friends' libidos and we're bitter and twisted about it.

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 11:20

Ok - what law is there that says a man can't spend his nights wanking over porn rather than having sex with his wife ( and preferring it )
What law is there that says a man has to do 50% of the Childcare/housework - and if he doesn't he's useless?
What law is there that says a man can't hang out of his van window whistling at women ?

From reading MN - a lot of women think all the above is not really acceptable - yet you happily allow your partner to have close relationships with RL females - even expecting him to put her needs before yours.

I'm seriously confused.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:22

Speak for yourselves all of my friendships are a moshpit of Unresolved Sexual Tension. Men, women... Even my dog would if we were left alone long enough!

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 11:27

We're not saying other people always take priority! We're saying, quite simply, 'old friend in distress takes priority'. You don't agree. Quite a lot of posters on this thread think that a husband's wishes take priority. It depends, really, how you see friendship and the network of people in your world. If you want to centre it all on one person and/or your children, fine. I think, myself, that that is not an option I would wish, or a world I would wish to live in.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 11:27

Carmina, the OP's partner in this case doesn't really have a 'need'; he just has a desire for the OP not to have her friend to stay. The friend, on the other hand, currently has a need for the companionship of a dear friend. (sorry for overuse of the word 'friend'.)

Personally, I am seriously confused at the notion that people don't understand the concept of friendships with the opposite sex. This division of things along gender lines is very perplexing to me. And depressing.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:27

What has porn got to do with the price of pineapples?

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:27

What has porn got to do with the price of pineapples?

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 11:33

The housework element: well, actually, there is an argument for saying that men are rational, continent human beings. As such, they are quite capable of (a) doing their share of housework and childcare (b) keeping a sentient friendship going on with a woman. (And if they fancy her, not making a pass if she seems quite happy with another bloke.)

I think that's quite a positive view of blokes, actually, rather than the child/man view that thinks that men are incapable of wielding a hoover and also incapable of not wielding their willies.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 11:36

Personally I'm not surprised he isn't waving his arms about in joy and you're being selfish in the extreme if you expect him to be happy for you to have your male friend stay over when he's away.

I guess it depends what means more to you

Malificence · 13/07/2011 11:37

As someone whose husband has many female friends and who likes female company, I find it odd that people think that opposite sex friendship is somehow wrong, but then it depends on the person your husband is I suppose. He's in contact with half a dozen women he used to work with and has nights out with them a few times a year, with and occasionally without me, I'm fine with that - but if I wasn't, he wouldn't do it - one of the women even has him as her date because her husband won't go to these events.
My 21 year old DD's oldest friend is male, they've known each other since infants school and he's stayed in her room many times, there has never been anything between them, they are like brother and sister , both are only children and as far as I know, her boyfriend has no issues when her friend comes to stay at her house, which is as it should be.

However , I would have a female friend of DH stay the night when I wasn't there, over my dead body - it's nothing to do with not trusting him or insecurity on my part, it's just pure possessiveness I suppose.
I wouldn't want another woman in my house sharing his time in my space. He has no close friends who pre-date me, which I'm pleased about because I would be jealous of that kind of close friendship, we are each other's best friends and anyone else, male or female, would be in the way of that.
I may be possessive but I do recognise that while I don't need the friendship and company of others, DH is a social person and as long as I'm number one, I do allow him to have friends.
I do understand where carmina, nesta and hsmm are coming from, I don't think they're wrong because they feel that way.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 11:39

Jesus, why is having someone to stay, a tiny event in the context of a long relationship, being lined up by so many people as a pitched battle over husband on one side and friend on the other? Being hospitable to a friend in need does not mean that that friendship 'means more' to the OP than her relationship. It means that, at the moment, the friend needs her support, and logistics dictate that him staying is more convenient.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 11:45

Yes ladyclarice...but you ignored the one salient point...he won't be there when the friend is staying over.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:47

Agree with ladyclarice. Insecurity is the problem of the person afflicted and it shouldn't, imo, be pandered to. If someone will cheat, they will cheat. Whether its a friend staying in the spare room or nipping out for a quickie at lunchtime.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:50

Why is that salient? Do you really think that all that is stopping people from cheating on their partners and shagging friends of the opposite sex is lack of opportunity?
s

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 11:50

No, I know the husband won't be there. That's partly what I mean by 'logistics' ? husband not being there means the OP can't just go out to meet the friend or whatever as she has to look after their DD.

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 11:51

And frankly, if she's got a small baby the last thing she's going to feel like is a night of passion.

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 11:52

I'd have turned down David Tennant out of sheer exhaustion at that stage.

Malificence · 13/07/2011 11:54

Just because OP's husband doesn't like the idea of her friend staying over when he's not there, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's insecure.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 11:57

Going by those responses I'm not surprised the divorce rate is so high.

Its not about opportunity or thinking your partner will cheat, its about respect. Even if your partner didn't mention any concerns you'd be naive to think the thought hadn't crossed their mind,and therefore their feelings should outweigh anything else, otherwise you shouldn't be married to them.

This cake and eat it society really does piss me off.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 11:57

It does, it implies that he doesn't quite trust them. Would he be bothered if it were a female friend? No.

Awre · 13/07/2011 12:00

I have the same issue with my husband who has a close female friend -and I will always say to him - 'yes tha's fine go ahead and see her' - but I do struggle with those unwelcome thoughts that come into my head - you know -the 'what ifs........' - I quell these thoughts because there has to be trust.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:01

Doesn't respecting your partner mean respecting their friendships and their desire to see friends, enjoy their company, and give them support when needed?

At the risk of repeating myself and others on this thread ad nauseam, I find the idea that there MUST be a sexual element to opposite-sex friendships prurient, childish and upsetting.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 12:02

Trust & Respect

Its a 2 way street and the OP is, in my opinion, stretching it if not testing it to the limit.

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