AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

Even more at 'Cro-Magnon Bossyboots'.

I love it when people try to insult me by calling me 'liberal'.

Several people have said "He either trusts you or he doesn't".

How about the fact that people can feel different things (more vulnerable, less vulnerable) at different times?

I stay with my single female friend regularly, and my wife trusts me (as she is right to). She's done the same with her male friend, a couple of times.

But if there was a time where she felt shaky about this arrangement, I would have to respect her feelings, because she has already been cooler about it than many spouses [see various posts, in this thread].

The friend can't come at the weekend - the OP says this, dammit - because her husband doesn't like spending time with him. This decorous option is ruled out by him. 'DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.'

And personally, I find ''darling, you know I love you, but we both know that just ain't happening" is a line I use with my children. If another adult tried it with me I would not feel it an indication of manly chestwiggery, just rather...off-putting.

'chestwiggery'

This thread is getting funnier by the post.

Well I think I would have to say to friend that he can come but not stay....not that people can't cheat without staying over.....but it has to be an outcome that all can be happy with. I'm pretty sure my DH wouldn't mind, but given that he has no female friends I would be pretty alarmed if he asked.

"strong, passionate man"

oh god...here we go again...

I think we've agreed, countless times, that each marriage is different and each relationship functions with differing levels of mistrust. so although I, and others, will shout YANBU, it really boils down to what works between the OP and her husband in their very specific, and individual, circumstances.

But, FWIW, I have a male bf who has also never hit on me (and with whom I shared a bed, drunk and sober, countless times when we were both young, footloose and single, so there was plenty of opportunity) who also doesn't get on amazingly with my dh. In similar circumstances, I would do the same thing as the OP. And I would be devastated if my dh was anything other than pleased that I was being a supportive friend (and that he didn't have to participate in hosting the friend at the same time).

And yes, dh has a number of female friends who predate our relationsthip...I don't think he actually speaks to them much these days (please note: I have no idea and do not care) but in the same situation I would be utterly fine with them staying in my absence.

But then, I don't get the people who raise an eyebrow at my (very very very) pretty aupair and say 'you're brave' either....

Perhaps the DH has always seen the friend as needy, whereas the OP just sees her old friend as he has always been. He may be afraid that the friend will now become even more reliant and this is why he made an objection after so long. Even if not sexual, there must be some male competition for the OP's time, love, and emotional intimacy. All that shared history, secrets etc. No wonder he can't bear the thought of them cosying up on the sofa with a bottle of wine while he's stuck miserably away wherever he is working, and would rather be home with his wife and baby.

And again, with the torrid fantasies and the back-story . The loneliness of the long-distance breadwinner. The male struggle. The homely hearth....

mother

That's how I'd feel if I was working away from home and my husband was comforting a female friend in our house. I wouldn't sleep well.

To be fair, you could have the equivalent fantasies about being able to go to the pub, hang out with your friends (of both genders) and get a decent night's sleep. I was always madly envious of my partner's opportunities to bugger off to a conference. Still am, really.

I'm that people are talking about degrees of trust in a marriage. Maybe my understanding of marriage is different, but if don't trust someone properly (and by that I mean beyond 'well, I trust him. Unless he's pissed of course. Or working with a women. Or just standing next to one. In fact, I trust him in a monastery. Most of the time') why marry them ?

I was envious of my first husband's conferences until I found condoms in his luggage. After that I was simply glad to see the back of him.

As the OP hasn't been on since yesterday there isn't much point me hanging around this thread. I hope she can sort it out.

Tbh - I think there's something a bit weird keeping a male friend on the go for 20 years. She sees him regularly and chats via email often?

I don't know a single relationship where either partner would find that acceptable and ok . I honestly find it hard to believe it actually goes on.

LOL at "chestwiggery"!

'keeping a male friend on the go'??? That makes friendship sound like a pot of soup cooking or something!

I'm afraid to say (well, I'm not really afraid obviously) that I have several friendships with men that I've been 'keeping on the go' from before I met DP (thirteen years ago). He is now friends with some of them through me. A couple of them, we are all happier for me to see the friend separately; not that they and DP actively dislike each other, but they just don't particularly 'click'. DP has loads of female friends, both old and newer, and again some of them are now my friends and some I'm happy for him to see alone because we haven't particularly become friends.

If anyone wishes to supply any made-up backstories, make insinuations about long-simmering sexual tensions, or just do a cats bum mouth about my life, please feel free.

[cats bum mouth]

My first cats bum mouth!

Simmering sexual tensions? You lot obviously have much younger and sexier male friends than I do, although 84 year old Jack down the allotment can look quite dishy in his wellies and cap !

Carmina - are you seriously saying that I should only have female friends now that I'm married ? We are talking about adults here, aren't we?

LOL too at "keeping a male friend on the go", sounds faintly sordid, but also makes me think of boiled eggs.

Funtime, no, Jack sounds a bit like at least one of my male friends. Of course I was being almost entirely facetious about the sexual tension, although my male friends are of course all young ish and sexy. As are all of my female friends.

boiled eggs!!

Oh dear. This thread is bringing out my childish side and amusing me greatly. But at the same time I am faintly depressed at all the handbag-clutching going on at the very thought of opposite-sex friendships.

Hey listen - I was winding you up with the CBM - I think it's great if you both feel comfortable having all these separate friends of the opposite sex - I just don't believe that there's never any sexual feelings simmering away under all the respectability of a quick cappuccino at costa coffee -.
I've lived a bit Y'know.

I don't go for quick cappuccinos. My trysts with my male friends are much more racy than that. And fairly smouldering with tension. if only things were really that exciting

Did you seriously dump your male friends when you met your DP? And did he dump his female friends? Or do you 'keep them on the go' but only within strict, respectable parameters and only meet up with them if suitably chaperoned?